Breathe, just breathe

Well, it's been a few days.  Sunday was the last great day Will has had.  That is not to say he has had a horrible time of things, but he has had several very hard moments at school every day since.  The school photocopied some of the notes he wrote. " I feel every bad feeling mixed together.  It makes myself feel like I'm going to die."
"I hate everybody especially myself."

This just breaks my heart.  That he feels this way and I can't help him.  In home support is starting and will hopefully help.  Last night while laying in bed, he started picking at himself.  This has become quite the habit.  He has scars all over his face, his ear is particularly bad.  I asked him not to and tried to distract him.  He told me it made him feel better, but couldn't articulate why.  All he would say is that he hates himself.  He makes me want to cry.

Then when he had stopped picking he asked me how old you have to be to get a sex change operation. (his words were "how old do you have to be to have surgery to go from a boy to a girl?"  I told him that had to wait till a person was an adult.  He said "oh"  Then told me that he wanted me to fix his hair like a girl, in ponytails and braids.  I reminded him that hair had to be long enough for that and his wasn't there yet.  He does know that he is growing his hair out longer so it will just take time.

As you can see, I still think of Will as a he.  It gets difficult sometimes, when Will actively acts and addresses himself as a boy, but then sometimes will let you know that Will is Willow, a girl.  I'm trying to figure out how to address Will, how to make it right and let him/her know that I love Will for Will, not because Will is a boy or a girl.  I can only hope it helps that I support whatever Will wants (as long as it doesn't hurt Will) and that his father will be just as supportive of Wills journey of self discovery.

Life has not been easy for this little kid, and it doesn't look like it will be getting easier anytime soon.  Please pray for Will.........and I will continue to breathe.........

Dick's Sporting Goods

Today was the day.  Will and I started getting ready to go and claim his winnings.  We discussed strategies for when he might start to feel overwhelmed.  He decided a stress ball and his DS were all he needed.  I was very proud of him.

Before we left I received a phone call from one of my relief staff.  She was concerned about when and who was coming in to relieve her.  I explained I had found coverage the day before and she would be arriving momentarily.  Well, the second staff agreed to work today, thinking she was agreeing to work next Sunday. (She works her other job today)  CRAP!  Staff that was stuck at work has a small child at home with a babysitter that can't drive and needs to get to work too.  Well, I started making calls and texts to figure out what was going on and how I could fix it.  Let me first state that I was NOT at work, and therefore not obligated to do anything, but I felt bad, and felt somewhat responsible.  While trying to figure it all out I received 2 phone calls and a text from the staff person.  I was busy so I didn't answer. ( I was working on helping her, and again, not under an obligation to talk to her using my cell(or home phone) when I don't get reimbursed for texts or phone calls from the company) When I finally was able to text her, she had sent me 4 more texts.  Each one more angry than the next.  I finally called her, she started yelling at me on the phone, I couldn't get a word in, I finally raised my voice and told her (not sure she heard me over her yelling) I was going to hang up the phone if she wouldn't calm down and listen to me.  She didn't stop, I hung up after telling her to call the emergency cell phone.  Then had 6 texts after this.  She was verbally and textally(sp?) abusive and rude to me.  This all happened as I was trying to get out the door and get to Dick's.  I still feel horrible for her and her son.  I still feel guilty that I couldn't fix it for her, and I still can't let it go.  I need to just take a deep breath and let it go.  When we got home, I called the emergency cell and explained what had happened, thinking she had called, she hadn't.  I now have to go into the office tomorrow and show all the texts between us and explain the whole interaction to the associate director.  Now I feel guilty for getting her in trouble and possibly losing her job over this, because I really do understand how angry and panicked she must have felt.  I have been stuck at work before when I needed to be somewhere else and it sucks.  However, it's the name of the game.  When anyone is hired for the company, it is explained that because our jobs are with humans, we may run into mandatory overtime.  Everyone hopes it never happens, and hates it when it does, but it's a part of the job.  Anyway, I'm sorry.

So, now on to the good part of the day.  The store!  We walked in, stood in line, signed in, Will was given a shirt and name tag.  We were paired up with a staff person, and off we went!  I'm pretty sure we walked the store at least 3 times as Will weighed his options.  He was definitely more interested in quantity over quality.  He didn't want ANYTHING that was very expensive.  He just wanted a lot of stuff.  His face lit up when he realized he could get whatever he wanted, within reason--we only had $100 to spend.  Also, we somehow didn't calculate right and when we got to the register to cash out, we had $124 dollars worth of stuff.  Uh-oh-- I figured, Will would have to put the shirt back.  But no!  They paid for the extra $24!!!!  How awesome was that?  Will was so intent on what he was doing, he didn't need his stress ball or DS.  He was great.  He was super excited when he saw free donuts from Dunkin Donuts too.  He
 had a boston cream, a boy after my own heart......

Oh goodness, where to start......

debating the virtues of basketballs, he ended up with a small ball (less expensive)

happy with his bargain ball.

wandering the store...

baseball section

A bat costs how much??????  No thanks!

This is all the loot we brought home.  WOW

Once we got home, he lost no time getting that soccer ball out and the cones.  He showed me "his skills".  He even told me he was "magnificent" really?  He is complimenting himself!!!!!! OMG!  He never says nice things about himself.  He usually gets angry if anyone compliments him, because he doesn't believe it.  I love my child!

His mad skills!

Yes, he's magnificent!

Yes, the boy has skills

But he really needs to be wearing sneakers. ;-)

dribbling...

Kick the ball mom!

So, I may have had a rough start to my day, it might have been bothering me all day, but I look at these pictures, and remember the look on his face.  Today was an awesome day!  Thank you God for blessing me and my son today.

I need your help

As most people who know me will realize, I don't ask for help.  Even when I need it.  However, this is not for me.  This blog is about a little boy named Jeffrey.  He is 3 years old and has a very very serious type of leukemia.  He has been struggling with it for 6 months and is very sick.  He is also a VERY brave little boy. 

His mom and dad struggled to have a child, they were blessed with this little boy, now three years later he is fighting for his life.  He doesn't want much, but he loves receiving cards and post cards.  I am asking if anyone would be willing/able to send him a card to make him smile.

This is a picture of Jeffrey before he lost his hair (right before Thanksgiving)  Isn't he cute?

He loves dogs, elephants and giraffes.  They are living at his grandparents house right now, as their house is under construction and he can't be around the dust etc.....

This is the card I made him as well as a giraffe and elephant I had already made.  They are on their way as we speak.  Hoping to make him smile.

I'm not asking people to send gifts, that was my own choice.  But if you could find it in your heart and wallet to send a simple little card or post card, you would make a sick little boy very happy, and me as well.  Thank you and God Bless.

Jeffrey Davis
444 Cape Road
Hollis Maine 04042

William

I have spent A LOT of time thinking, worrying, praying over my son.  Wishing I could make it right for him.  Make his journey a little easier.  Fix all his problems, and feeling incredibly guilty that I can't.  I mean, I'm his mom, I should be fixing this stuff.  

I know, I know, this is very unrealistic of me.  No one has the power to do what I feel I should except God, and He has his reasons for everything he does.  I know in my head that I am doing all I can, and I'm doing enough, I really do.  The problem is my heart just won't acknowledge this information.  My heart refuses to accept that I am not a super hero with the ability to make everything right.

I don't know if my heart will ever catch up to my brain, or if this is really just a "mom thing".  Are we mothers destined to always feel like a failure with our children?  Or am I just overly hard on myself as an individual?  I really don't know the answer to this question, and doubt I ever will.

Anyway, As I've been pondering and worrying, I had my mother fill out a form to nominate Will for a $100 gift card to DICK'S SPORTING GOODS.  I had mom do this because she is the most eloquent person I know with the written word.  I am not a writer, no mater how much I pretend to be on my blog. But then again, I am a work in progress, so I guess I am a writer in progress too?  Ha!

I received a phone call from my mom today telling me that she got a phone call about the gift card.  They want Will at the store Sunday at 10am.  I don't know if he won, but I think it's a good guess!  I got the morning off from work to take him.  Yeah!  Like I'd miss that opportunity!  Tomorrow I am going to meet a new person who will be working with Will every week in the home.  This will be on things like tying his shoes, safety and appropriateness in the community, and other life skills.  Yeah!  We have been without anyone for 2 months!  So excited!

So, not only are we getting section 28 (the in home support mentioned above) and most likely a gift card for Will, all this is more than I ever hoped for for Will, but I received a call saying that he has been picked up for section 65 again!  This means we will have behavioral supports in the home!  I meet with the woman Thursday.  What a week.  This unfortunately does not mean anything will change as far as Spring Harbor, but it does mean that we have more help and support until this happens, and hopefully when he comes home as well.

I am so full of gratitude today I could just burst!  May not seem like too much to most people, but all these things are huge to me.  I started out the week very depressed thinking I could not afford to get Will Christmas presents, and stressed and guilty over this.  I still can't afford Christmas presents, but so what?  We will have the support he needs to get through this very stressful time.  I will be there with all the love I can give, and it will be a great Christmas anyway.  I am truly blessed this holiday season.

The day after

Today is the day after Thanksgiving.  I have been posting all over Facebook what I am thankful for.  My family, friends and most of all my wonderful son.  Now there are other things I am thankful for, such as having a job, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my belly.  I know the lst could go on and on, but I will stop there. 

Holidays have a way of being overwhelming to the general population.  They are much more so to a child with special needs.  We have now entered the most stressful time of all.  Most people can handle the bombardment of sensory input with a certain amount of ease.  These special children have a harder time.  They can not process all the input coming at they from every direction.  These children are on overload, from the word go. 

My son is one of these children.  I have been dreading the holidays for this reason.  I have been expecting melt down after melt down.  Tantrum after tantrum.  As well as a few bruises along the way.  I can't say what the rest of this season will bring, but so far my son has blown me away with his ability to deal with Thanksgiving.  We went to my aunts house as usual, Will brought his laptop to use as a way of calming himself.  He was a little withdrawn, but that's OK.  With so many people there, and a TV loudly playing a football game, I'm really not surprised.  When it came time to eat, he tried a few things I asked him to, (even though he didn't want them) and almost cleaned his plate.  He asked to be excused, he thanked people for moving for him so he could leave the table.  He thanked my aunt and uncle for the meal.  When he had had enough, he quietly asked if we could leave.  So we left.  No dessert for us, (but then again I REALLY don't need it).  We brought left overs to my parents house--my mother's on bed rest and so my parents didn't go--Will played a little there.  My parents asked him questions, he told them quietly and calmly he didn't want to answer questions.  When they continued, he got a little agitated, but remained in control.

We got home and had a quiet evening, with mo melt downs.  This is usually the time where he falls apart.  He holds it together so well for so long and then the least little thing will send him over the edge.  But not tonight!  Went to bed and fell asleep quickly.

We woke this morning, had a quiet morning, I put the tree together.  He was patient, but told me frequently that he wanted me to take a break and play with him.  When I was done with the tree, he actually helped me for a little while, I stopped and played.  Then I set on the lights.  Again he offered to help for a short while, encouraging me when he saw I was getting frustrated.  Told me it was OK and I could stop for a while o play with him since he missed me and didn't want me to get angry.  I stopped, we played, we laughed, and I got back to work.

When I was done with the lights I asked him if he was ready to help put up the decorations.  He said "Not now."  We waited.  I asked 3 times, every time I got the same response.  I finally, with a frustrated tinged voice, asked him to pick a time.  The cracks appeared.  He told me he didn't want to put the decorations up, he wanted to get out of the house.  We went to the library.  He researched hamsters, and took out three books on them to read at home.  I got out the decorations, he stated he would put on the garlands, and that I could take a picture of him holding them in his hands.  I must admit, I took advantage.  I turned off the sound to my phone a took a few more.

The rest of the evening passed in giggles and smiles.  There was no arguments over dinner, meds, bath, or brushing teeth.  We went upstairs at 7pm and read the rest of a book we were already reading from the library, and he quickly fell asleep, even with protest that he was too tired to sleep.

I must admit, I was relieved.  I imagined full blown melt downs last night and most of today, but my boy is growing up.  This of course doesn't mean I won't get them tomorrow, or somewhere throughout the rest of the season, but for now things are good.  We will keep things very low key for the next month, hoping to continue this good fortune, but there's too much out there in the world for it not to affect him.  Whatever happens, he is my beautiful son, I love him more than life itself, and will always be proud of the way he manages to cope with this overwhelming, sensory saturated world we live in.  He is my hope, my inspiration, and my heart.

This is the only authorized picture in the bunch

And this is what the tree looked like when we were all done.

Lesson learned

When facing a difficult period in your life, I have learned a valuable lesson.  --  Buy a hamster.
Ok, so that isn't the lesson, well, not really.  Things haven't been great lately as you might imagine.  Our case manager came over this morning to help me try to figure out my finances.--YIKES!--  I know, I stress shop.  I also shop when depressed.  Can we say I've been majorly depressed lately?  Guess what I've been doing--  Yup, spending money I don't have.  Well, I have finally pulled my head out of the sand, and am facing my finances head on, so to speak.  Now, I'm not perfect, so I'm sure I will make mistakes along the way, but I'm hoping if I do, they will be small ones--like buying a cup of coffee at Dunkin Donuts--not going out and spending $100 on a cricut I really want but don't need.  Although I'm hoping that I'll be strong enough to pass on the irresistible call of Dunkin Donuts!
I really thought Jenn would yell at me for spending the money on the hamster, but she was actually happy we bought her.  Recognizing that she's therapy for Will.  Yeah!
However, the real lesson came from working hard to stay positive throughout the last few months (2 years).  When Jenn walked in the door she told me that she was given the OK from her bosses for me to offer massage at her office throughout the month of December.  They will provide a room for me to use, people will sign up on certain days during my available times and I get to keep all the profits!  Wow!  She also wants me to gather some of my crafts to sell at her office.  They will set up a table for my cards, crocheted animals, vinegars, oils, body scrubs, and anything else I want to sell.  I can also market myself and sell gift certificates, as well as take orders for other personalized items I make such as the book frames.
So the lesson is, always strive to see the positive, and act positively (I'm not perfect, but I work at it every day) and you will attract positivity to you.  I am truly blessed.  Plus as I write this Sophie has been running around the entire downstairs of my house in her hamster ball.  She is quite the speed demon.  I think she might deserve a speeding ticket at this point.  She also might be texting or involved in some other form of distracted driving as she keeps running into everything--maybe she's intoxicated..... The fine for that would go quite a ways at financial freedom. ;-)

I know, she's in her hamster wheel here, not her purple ball, but she's too darn fast in the ball!  I'll share a picture either here or over at Emily's perspective when I catch her in the act.

Now, it is time to try and catch her so she can go back in her cage, and I can go to bed!

Traditions

This is the time of year that I really sit down and think about my family traditions.  I mean, we have some throughout the year, but most are during the holidays.  I also think about how they have changed over the years.  All holidays were spent at The Farm until my grandmother couldn't handle doing it any more.  This actually only happened when her Alzheimer's got to a point where she couldn't cope.  It was heart breaking for me, but the traditions didn't die, they just changed.  After a while they felt almost as good.  We spend Thanksgiving at my aunt Kathy's house.  She and my uncle Cliff make the best Thanksgiving meal around.  (Sadly I can't remember if Grams was better or just as good.)  Christmas was spent alternating between my parents house and my Aunt Patty's.  Then my mother's health got to a point to where we celebrate Christmas at Patty's every year.
Our family Christmas was always everyone on my mother's side of the family gathering on Christmas Eve.  We'd have a big meal,   open presents.  We now do a Yankee swap, as it's too expensive to get everyone something, with the exception of the children still in grade school.  We now plan our Christmas party for some weekend in December that works for the majority of the people that can come.  My son and I spend Christmas eve at my parents home.
As you can see, our traditions are still in tact in some form or another.  However there is another tradition , which is being severely altered and maybe even cancelled this year.  This is our tradition of making pip-a-neir.  What is pip-a-neir you ask?  It is a danish cookie, similar to a molasses cookie, only looks like doggie kibble.  (Yes, I know, this works to my advantage though, I bring it with me and no one wants to try it because they think I'm eating dog food.  Got to love the Danes!)  Ever since I remember I have been making this cookie.  When my Gram was alive and well, we ALWAYS made it the Friday right after Thanksgiving.  We would all (grand kids, and sometimes a few adults) gather at The Farm and work in the kitchen with Gram while listening and singing to Christmas carols.  When my Gram could no longer host this, my aunt Patty was kind enough to host every year since.  It isn't on Fridays anymore though.  But it is usually that first weekend after Thanksgiving.  So I don't feel like it's changed too much. 
I got a call from my aunt today, telling  me my cousin Kate can not be there for pip-a-neir, so we won't be doing it this weekend.  She also didn't know if it would happen at all.  Can I tell you, this is devastating to me.  I know it's only cookies, but it's the holiday tradition that makes me feel closest to Gram.  She was and is one of my 2 true heroes.   She taught me so much in my life.  About life, love, family, tradition, and above all: how to enjoy life.  How to live.....  I miss her every day, I think of her often.  It gets a little harder and sadder around the holidays, but that's ok.  She is in my heart, and will always be there.
These traditions bring me a feeling of peace and of being a little closer to Gram.  So I think I will go to the store and get the ingredients so Will and I can make our own pip-a-neir.  We may not be with the rest of the family, but he and I will carry on that tradition together, and I will remember.....and be grateful.

Fear less, hope more

Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and all good things will be yours. ~Swedish proverb

 I found this proverb this morning while looking for my inspirational quote for today on Facebook.  It really spoke to me.  I really need to take this quote in and immerse myself in its meaning.  I fear way too much in my life.  I fear the future.  I fear failure.  I live in fear.  I need to learn to let go of that.  I need to learn to live in the present, not in the future where fear lives.  I need to be thankful for everything I have.  Not fearful that it's not enough.  I AM enough.  What I have IS enough.  My life is plentiful.  I may not have everything I "think I should have" but I have everything I need and truly want. 1. I have myself, and I am happy with being with myself.  I do not feel the need to fill every moment I am on my own with others and things.  I am content. 2. I have my wonderful challenging son.  He is my everything.  As long as I have him, my life is complete.  3. I have my family.  As crazy and challenging as my family is, they are always there supporting me in every way, cheering me on when I need it, and celebrating right along side me when I achieve something.  That's all I really need.  I mean having my house, clothes and food help too, as does a job that is fulfilling where I am truly helping others that can pay for said food, clothes and home.  But everything else is just stuff.  It's dust-catchers, nice things to have, but nothing I really need.

I need to hope more.  Hope is something that helps us get through life a little easier.  I'm not talking about  hoping to win the lottery (although it would be nice) I mean hope for a better future for my son.  Hope that tomorrow will bring more blessings than yesterday.  And hope that tomorrow I will choose to be content and at peace with my life and the abundance in it.

I need to eat less.  Yes, I really do for many reasons.  Let's leave it at that for the moment shall we?

I need to chew more.  I think it is important to remember this.  All the time but especially now as we move into the holiday season.  Chew more, take the time to enjoy, savor, and experience the food that nourishes our bodies.  And as important if not more so, the food that nourishes our soul and spirit.  I think I (we as a world) overlook that.  I am always rushing around going from one crisis to the next, or one appointment to the next.  I rush through my meals, I barely taste what I am putting in my body, and often I an feeding myself crap.  I need to take time to sit without the TV or other distractions and truly experience my nourishment, and give thanks for it.  Again also experience and give thanks for the food of my soul and spirit.  Again, I find that I am finding quotes that speak to me, inspire me and I put them up on Facebook, hoping they will inspire others as well.  But do I really sit and dwell on them?  Do I really take the time to appreciate them and experience what they mean to me and how I can incorporate them into my daily life?  Unfortunately not very often, or at all if I am really being honest.  And really, why write this blog if I can't be honest with myself? 

I need to whine less. I find myself , more often than I care to admit even to myself that I am complaining about things in my life I don't like.  Instead of complaining I need to be rejoicing all the positives in my life.  I recently found myself on the phone whining to a friend.  She stopped me and asked me to tell her a positive.  Halleluiah!  That was just what I needed for a reality check.  Now, that's not to say I won't be sharing some of the harder things in my life, but I need to start doing more sharing of the positives.  NO EXCUSES! 

I need to breathe more.  I think that goes without saying.  I need to stop and just breathe.  More than that, I need to be grateful for my breath.  It means I am alive!  That is a joyous thing!  I am grateful for my breath, and I will take the time to just breathe.

I need to talk less.  That one's a hard one for me. (Aren't they all though?)  Often I find myself talking just to fill up the empty spaces in a conversation, or if there is someone else in the room I talk just to talk and not feel awkward.  Why?  Why do I (we) feel the need to do that?  I am enough.  There is a serenity in quiet times.  Sitting in a room with another, doing our own thing- reading, crafting, etc and just being.  Being with someone is enough sometimes.  I don't need to talk about useless things just to fill the spaces.  I give myself permission to be quiet and enjoy others in silence.  Lending my support and love through quietness.

I need to say more.  When I do talk, I need to be more mindful about what I am saying.  Am I being a force of negativity or positivity?  IS what I'm saying making a difference or just needless chatter?  I need to think before I speak and make it count!

I need to hate less.  I think overall I'm pretty good with this one, however we all have room for improvement.  I try not to judge people, I may not like a person or their actions, but I don't generally hate others or things.  When said I'm usually just very hurt in that moment and it is a "go to" phrase.  However, even this is putting more negativity and hate into the world.  Even if when I take some time I can honestly say I don't hate someone, I was just hurt by them.  Words can hurt, even if only said to ourselves.  If they are repeated enough they take on enough energy to make it real.

I need to love more.  No matter how much I love, I can love more.  I need to continually open my heart up to more love, reach out and share that love so maybe someone else will pass on love and people will love, not hate, accept, not reject, praise, not criticize.  All we need is love.

 It's a dawn of a new day.  What will you choose?

A wonderful day

I have had 2 1/2 uninterrupted days with my wonderful son.  Yesterday we had a few bumps in the road, but that's not surprising when you consider, there was no school, went out to lunch with my wonderfully generous aunt, spent a lovely hour with my bestest friend and her one year old son, Will was amazing with him, sharing toys and helping Maggie and I with him.  Then went to my parents home for dinner.  So after such a long day of unusual activities I wasn't surprised to have a rough end of the day.  However he made up for it by calling me upstairs asking me to lay with him after he had calmed down.  I went upstairs and as soon as I climbed into bed he said  "I love you so much."  Well, I can tell you my heart just melted.  So glad we ended on such a sweet note.
Today was even better.  We went to the library, he's getting better at picking out books and trying them.  We've already taken a couple of books out last week.  He let me read a couple of chapters before he decided he didn't like them.  So proud!!  Well, we returned the books today and he picked out 2 more and some cd's all about soccer and the world cups.  Then we went to A.C. Moore where we picked out a couple of inexpensive crafts to do together. (Mario inspired)
Then we spent a quiet day at home putting his Mario stuff together and playing.  His grampy came over to play for an hour or so.  We had dinner, played some more, had a bath- didn't even fight me about washing his hair!!!!- then brushed teeth and went to bed. 
I have to say, as much as I love spending time with Will playing and listening to him, my favorite time of the day is bedtime.  We read some and then we snuggle until he's almost asleep.  I'd stay there forever if I could, listening to him breathe and watching his face relax while he fights sleep.  He often tells me he's too tired to sleep. Isn't it funny that those are the nights he's asleep almost before the lights go out?  I love him with all my heart.  I will do anything for this sweet child who struggles so much with things that most take for granted as easy.
I love my son, difficulties and all...............................

My back

We had a freak snowstorm a couple of weeks ago.  I had to go out and shovel the heaviest snow/slush I can remember ever having to shovel.  I remember I hurt my back while doing it.  Well, I am at that age where things take longer to heal.  I think I slept wrong last night because I woke to it really hurting.  Didn't help that later in the day I was leaving my house and started to fall down the porch stairs.  Luckily I caught myself or it would have been a lot worse I'm sure.  However I tweaked my back again.  So now I am sitting here waiting patiently for my pumpkin seed to come out of the oven so I can take some pain medication and go to sleep.
I'm not writing this to complain, because I am actually grateful my back hurts.  Grateful you ask?  Why would I be grateful?  Well, because my back was bothering me I was able to take the day off from work.  I don't do it often, in fact only when I feel like I'm at deaths door will I actually call out of work.  ( I have worked through colds, migraines, regular headaches, aches and pains, etc.) Then I did the almost falling thing.  This I think was Karma because now I really wouldn't be able to work.  And part of me was feeling guilty for not working my shift.  So, long story short.........I am moving slower than usual, but I got to surprise my beautiful son by picking him up from school, and spend a glorious afternoon/evening with him I wouldn't have been able to share if it wasn't for my back.  So today I am grateful for my back pain.  Because of it I was able to create memories I wouldn't otherwise have been able to create, and it is a reminder to slow down every once in a while and take care of myself.  I don't often listen to the whisperings that tell me to take care, so I sometimes need to be "hit upside the head" to get the message.
Message received loud and clear.  (Until I forget about it again)

Teach me Father.....

I feel the need to repeat my grandmothers prayer:

Teach me Father when I pray,
Not to ask for more,
But rather let me give my thanks
For what is at my door.
For food and drink
And gentle rain,
And sunny skies above.
For home a friends,
And peace and joy,
And most of all for Love.  Amen

Really needing to remind myself to be grateful for the important (and simple) things.  For that prayer I am grateful........

Will

So I had yesterday after school and all day today with Will.  Yesterday I was able to forget all the worry while we had fun.  It was such a great day.  Today was a little different.  We started by him crawling into bed with me at 4:45am.  We slept till 7:45 which was a first I think.  We played a little, had a snack and a mini meltdown because I wouldn't let him have what he wanted for morning snack, went to the library, then to the Children's Museum where Will actually put his hand in the tide pool tank and touched everything from a real live crab to a sea star, to a sea urchin and other things besides.  I was very proud of him for being so adventurous.  May not be a big deal for most kids, but for Will it was huge.  We've gone many times when it was open and this was the first time he willingly wanted to do it.  He wasn't sure about the crab at first, but when the lady in charge picked it up and it didn't "get her" he got more bold.  He also asked the face painter if she would paint stars on one hand and a rainbow on the other.  He got me to get a dragonfly and then decided it would go right on my forehead for all to see.  Yeah me.
We then came home for lunch, played a little more, then went grocery shopping. Had a larger meltdown while there- growling at me, very rude, stamping his feet- got home and continued the meltdown telling me I was mean to him= rushing him in the store, asking him too many questions ( i asked him what he wanted me to get for his lunches- that's it!)  I pointed out that I got him a dress-up outfit for him and a snack he wanted, but these did not prove that I am not mean to him.  His grandfather came over and played with him.  He had dinner, played on the computer too much, short bath and then bed.  We are pretty sure he's coming down with a cold which means a runny nose, a lot less sleep for both of us, and a cranky demeanor.
As you can see, I had a lot of moments throughout the day that were a lot of fun, and I did my best to enjoy them without holding on to the worry.  But those moments of meltdowns were terrifying to me.  Not because they were big (they weren't) but because now all I can wonder is "Is this the one that turns explosive and damages him psychologically?  Will his self-esteem be permanently damaged by this?  Should he already be in SP?  Am I making the right decision?  Am I being selfish?
How am I supposed to know what the best decision for Will is?  I'm terrified that whatever I do will be the catalyst for him being forever damaged.  Is this how any mom would feel faced with this situation?  Am I just completely over-reacting?  Am I putting off what needs to be done immediately?  Or am I putting myself and more importantly Will through something he should never go through?  I know parenting wouldn't be easy, but this is killing me.  Now that I've basically made the decision that he will eventually go to SH I keep second guessing myself about if it's right or if the timing is right.
I think I might be slightly neurotic.  You think?????

Better

So, I got off the comfy couch, I picked up my son from school.  This is the first time since the meeting I was able to spend any quality time with him.  I was worried that I wouldn't be able to appreciate the time.  I am so happy I was wrong.  We laughed, we giggled, we played together, went to Granny and Papa's and giggled there.  At least while I am falling apart on my own time I am able to enjoy the time I have with my son.  For that I am eternally grateful.  Thank you God.

Couch

My couch is my new best friend.  We have spent the last 2 days together.  I have slept, cried, zoned out watching tv, and eaten (things I shouldn't have) on my couch.  I don't want to move, I want to quit work and hide on my couch forever.  However, I realize that this is not an option for me.  I am off the couch at the moment (the only way I could blog about my beloved couch) getting ready to pick up my beautiful child from school in just under an hour.  Then we will have the rest of the day and all day tomorrow together.  I know he will want to do many things during this time, play games, we've already discussed going to the library and children's museum tomorrow, and maybe seeing Granny and Papa today.  We also have to go grocery shopping today too, as I was too busy being one with my couch all morning.  But all I really want to do is lay on the couch and snuggle/hug/kiss/ and be with my son.  I want to just be with him, but I know that, not only will he not want to do that because it's boring, but we  would both be missing out on all the great things we can be doing together.  He hasn't gone to SH yet, it hopefully won't be until the first of the year (if at all, a girl can hope can't she?) So why do I feel as if I'm losing him already?
Snap out of it already!  He's here, let's build memories that will hopefully get us both through the tough times ahead.  These are the words I'm trying to live by now, in this moment......

I also need to try to stop shutting my friends out.  I find that when in this depressive state I shut down, as I'm sure a lot pf people do when feeling this way.  I don't want to always complain when talking to friends, so I stop talking, I get very quiet when on the phone.  I need to find a way to be able to open my life up to people again without making it all about me and my problems.  I'm trying.....I'm a work in progress.......

Slept

I slept OK-ish last night, haven't been sleeping well for a while and with all this stuff with my anxiety and depression and then this decision about Will, it's been worse.  I got up in time to be dressed for Will to be dropped off after his overnight with his dad.  I got him off to school, then I laid down on the couch and rested/slept the day away until I had to get up for work at 2pm.
Is this bone-crushing fatigue I'm feeling from my MS?  Depression?  Total exhaustion? or a combination of any/all of them?  I don't know, probably a combination, just my luck.
I know that in some ways it feels like the decision about Will is already made.  We've done everything we can think of to keep him out of Spring Harbor and it's only scratching at the surface and dealing with the behaviors without teasing out the root cause/s.  So that means going there and having 24 hour care to help figure this out.  But every time I think about it, I start hyperventilating, I feel numb and tingly, and my vision blurs (and that's before I start crying, so I can't blame it on the tears).  Here's my problem, I don't trust anyone but me to truly take care of my son.  I know, I'm a bit of a control freak.  I have trust issues.  OK, I'm just plain messed up.  They don't love him, he's a job to them.  Let's be honest, it's a job.  Are they going to lay with him till he falls asleep?  Will they let him rub their fingernails as a way to self-soothe?  I doubt it.  And what if after the 50 days they don't have any answers?  Will they keep him longer?  How much longer?  Or even worse, what if they don't find the answers and then send him home and he went through that traumatizing experience for nothing?  How do I begin to get over that guilt?  I know, I know, I'm getting so far ahead of myself I can't even remember where I am.  But there it is.  I'm so afraid to have to put him in someone else s care and not have any control over what's being done to/for him.  Or who's working with him.  Is it someone who hates their job?  Only there for a paycheck? Burnt out and taking it out on the children?  Or will he get someone who genuinely cares for him and his well being?  I don't know, am I willing to take that risk?  I think I have to.  Then there's the question of how will I survive 50+ days without waking to see his beautiful face in the morning?  How will I go to bed without a smile, a hug, a giggle to get me through the lonely nights?
God, please give me the strength to do what is right for Will............please?

Still numb

So back to the meeting this morning:  When our case manager and the school social worker were talking about my son going to Spring Harbor for at least 50 days my whole body went numb and tingly.   I know they only have his best interests at heart and are concerned about him.  I really get that.  I do.
I am stuck, I don't know which way to go, and if I were to decide not to put him there for evaluation and to figure out what's going on- would I be doing that for selfish reasons?  I mean I really don't know how I'd be able to handle him not with me for so long.  I recently went to my brothers wedding, it was the longest I've ever been away from him.  I saw him Friday morning, and then again Sunday about noon.  Seriously that's the longest I've gone without seeing, kissing and/or hugging my son.  Will gives the best hugs.  And has the most beautiful personality and smile.  How can I go with not seeing that?  And how selfish am I for thinking that?
I don't trust others to watch my son, not even family completely.  IS this what it means to be a mother?  Or am I just that controlling? I still feel numb and tingly and it's over 13 hours after our appointment.  Part of it is that panicky fight or flight feeling too. Today I've come as close as I ever have to having a full blown panic attack.  It hits me when I least expect it, and all of a sudden I can't breathe or I am hyperventilating and cease to be able to function.  I need to sit down and talk with our case manager and go to Spring Harbor to meet some of the staff and have my questions answered.  Maybe then I will be able to figure out what's best for Will, without putting "my stuff" in the mix.  Dear God, please help me make the right decision for him, and please make it clearer for me.  Cause right now, I don't trust "them" to do right by my son.  Amen

Help!

So today I went to my bi-monthly meeting with Will's teacher, social worker and our case manager Jen.  There at the meeting it was brought up again about putting my lovely little boy in Spring Harbor for about 2 months.  My body went numb listening to them all agree that something that drastic was most likely needed.  I know they want the best for my son, I know that every time he has a breakdown there is more internal damage to his psyche, I know that he is getting bigger and stronger and therefore becoming that much harder to manage when out of control.  However, the idea of being away from my son for that long, I know I can visit etc... kills me.  No one can or will love him like I do.  No one can or will lay with him until he falls asleep, do all the idiosyncrasies that I do to help calm him down.  Is this the best choice for him?  Have we gotten to that point?  I have asked Jen to set up a time for her and I to talk more in depth about this idea- pros and cons - and to see if we can set up a tour of the facility and have my questions answered and hopefully my concerns calmed.  I don't know if it is best for him.  I know it isn't best for me.  I have to do what's best for him.  God give me the strength to see what's best for him and to follow through so that my son can have a childhood and be happy.  He deserves that and so much more...............I love him with all my heart.

I just don't know.

I have spent a lot of the last week crying.  Upset about my grandfather sick, my manager and the treatment I have been getting from her, and mostly about the fact that I am back on depression medication and appear to have a fairly severe case of depression and anxiety. 
I find the last 2 days there has been little to no crying over these things.  I'm feeling much more positive and focused.  Could it be the medication I'm on?  Not likely as I've only been on it a week and I've forgotten at least 2 doses, and it takes 4-6 weeks to build up in my system according to the doctors.  Do I not need the medication?  Have I stumbled upon the answers myself unknowingly?  Probably not.  This is most likely a lull in the storm that is my emotional breakdown.  I'll take it though.......
I think that having more positives to focus on helps, visualizing where I want to be and steps to get me there help, hugs from my son definitely help. ;-)  As for the rest.........I'll try to take it one day at a time.  If I cry, I cry.  I have to learn to accept those uncomfortable feelings and let them out instead of suppressing them as soon as they start.  If I let it out and trust that I will stop eventually maybe I can finally really let go.  Cause I keep thinking I've let go, but stuff keeps coming back.  Maybe this is the key to letting go.  If I ever bring myself to really sit with the pain and cry it out, I'll let you know, in the mean time I'll try.....

A Promise

I've talked about Oprah and watching her life classes right?  Well I was catching up on my episodes and was watching the one about finding your calling in life.  I had an "ah-ha" moment.  I enjoy making people laugh, I enjoy writing in all my blogs.  I want to be like David Sedaris.  He writes about the humorous events in his life, or just finds the humor in them like I try to do in my other blog- emilysperspective.blogspot.com I would like to take some writing classes, my writing is horrendous, and write a book of all the humorous stories of my life.  While sharing this idea with a friend of mine (who happens to be a life coach) she told me she thinks I should try open mike night and do some stand up comedy.  I have thought about this in the past but always shy away from anything like this.  The only time I feel anyway near comfortable on a stage with the attention on me is when singing or acting.  This would be neither.  But how do I know if my stories are really funny or my friends are just being kind?  So I told my friend that if I can qualify for respite care for my son I will go with her and try my hand, voice and stories on the stage.  Nothing ventured nothing gained.  Isn't that the saying?  I'm already nervous thinking about it, but I'll never know if I can do it and succeed without trying and if I don't try I'll never know.  It may feel like I'm going to die from terror, humiliation, failure but I know that really won't happen and at least I will be able to be proud of myself that I put myself out there.  So while I agreed to do it with my friend I have PROMISED myself that I will try.  For this is my journey, and if I don't move forward I'll fall behind and never know what I could have been.  My friend said in an off-hand way that in 10 years we will both be published authors of best selling books.  I am starting right now to manifest this into my reality.  I better start getting into trouble/reminiscing/writing.........These things don't just manifest themselves................

Stupidity

I want to first start off relaying my morning.  I have already shared about my depression being back, anxiety rising, well, I'm realizing I'm not handling some things well.  I had a really upsetting time at work over the last couple of days.  My manager has not been treating me with any respect and I've been having a hard time processing and moving on.  Case in point: I talked to a dear friend this morning, as I was going over everything again she stopped me and asked me "What's something positive in your life?"  That was all it took, I couldn't even answer her at first I just thanked her.  That was all it took to get me out of my own way.  My positive was getting to put my son to bed after being at work and missing that activity for 4 days. 
I'm still upset, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't seem so all-consuming when I remember that there are positives in my life.  I have since found a few more, I got to work with a wonderful, insightful woman I am blessed enough to call my friend as well as co-worker, I have a home, my car is still working, I have my parents, and I have some wonderful friends who are there to help me pick up the pieces when I drop them.  I am blessed.
Now on to the stupid part.  I work as a lead DSP.  That means I am an assistant manager who works in the programs doing direct support with our consumers.  There are 7 of us leads in the company.  One of these women projects a lot of negativity, she has also made it her mission to make mean, spiteful comments to me and make fun of me to my face with the pretense of joking.  I know what she is doing, I realized it with the first snarky  comment she made.  I also knew I had options as to how I wanted to deal with her.  1. I could be just as mean and snarky towards her- but I'm not like that.  2. I could confront her-but I seriously believe this would give her too much satisfaction and it would encourage her. 3. I could run to our bosses and complain- I believe this would also have negative results as I don't believe she will ever change who she is, and then I'm known as the trouble-maker with the other leads, and a pain who can't take care of herself with the management. 4. I could ignore her, and even laugh at myself once in a while.  This is what I chose.  Her comments and attitude doesn't affect me.  Why should it, she says I act like a fool.  Well, I do sometimes but I don't see that as a negative.  As for her other comments-- it doesn't matter, I know who I am and that I'm great at my job, my clients like and respect me (most of the time) and I like who I am.  So how can her comments bother me?  They don't.   Here's where the stupidity comes in---------she is best buddies with one of my staff.  They like to get together and talk about how I keep getting "slammed" and I don't even get it because I'm too stupid.  I found out they think this is hilarious, my staff thinks it's so funny she shared it with another staff (happens to be my friend).  So what does that make them?  If I know what's being done and the true intent behind the words but have chosen to just ignore it and not sink to that level, and they haven't even thought that I might be smart enough to figure it all out and take a different path then they would, and then they share the hilarity with others who actually know that I'm smart enough......What does that make them?  Actually, it doesn't matter, it's not worth the time to figure it out.
Now here's another epiphany: If I can say that the above doesn't bother me, that I know my own worth, and that I'm happy with who I am,  and really mean it.  Why doesn't that translate into what happened with my boss?  Or some other areas in my life where I don't feel good enough?  Is it because I need to prove to others who are my superiors that I'm good enough and deserve to be here?  Why in these circumstances do I feel so unsure of myself?  Something for me to start exploring in more depth.

Oprah

Yes, I watch Oprah's lifeclass.  I haven't been able to keep up, I just finished the first week and started the second week today.  I'm behind because I work when she is on, and can't find enough time in the day to watch them every day.  Anyway, For the most part, what Oprah is talking about I feel is right on and touches a place deep inside of me.  I need to let go of my EGO.  I am being as authentic as I can be in this moment of my life, I am trying to believe in myself, think and be the person I want to be/know I am.  Not all of this is perfect.  This blog is part of my journey.
As much as it may seem, I am not trying to just complain about my life, I am a person who needs to talk things through, to process.  Sometimes I need to talk about it once, but more often it's several times before I can really understand what is happening and hope to find the "life lessons" in these moments of my life.  I found it interesting that while watching one of the shows this morning Oprah talked about everything- even the things you don't like- are teaching moments.  Well, I'm having a doozey of one today.
My boss has assigned the scheduling of 4 houses to me.  However, she is constantly going behind me to change things to her liking.  Am I doing it or not?  I follow her rules.  I call relief staff first, then regular staff from our own houses, then regular staff from other houses in the agency.  So why does it seem that I always get it wrong from her point of view?  Why when there is a snaffoo that other staff caused by changing their schedules for their convenience and telling me about it after the fact- and not getting confirmation it was happening.  I know that there was more I could have done to make it run smoother today, I'm human and make mistakes like everyone else.  Why does my manager have to call and yell at me like she does?  I may make mistakes, but so does she, when I pointed out a contradiction she stated while yelling at me and then stuck to my guns she quickly said "I have to hang up before I go mental" (or something to that affect) and hung up on me.  Why do I allow myself to be treated that way?  Am I allowing it?  What is the teachable moment?  That I need to start standing p for myself more?  Have more self worth?  How, in this economy do I dare to stand up to her?  What if I'm fired?  Is the lesson that: as much as I need this job and the money I make from it, it's not worth my self esteem faltering as it has a habit of doing?  Is it that I need to be able to maintain my self esteem and self worth in the midst of a manager who is borderline abusive at times? (Honestly, most of the time I really enjoy working for her and when she gets "bitchy" I can usually shrug it off- today was just particularly aggressive.)  I don't know, but it's thought to ponder.........

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

A friend shared this with me today and I found it very apropos to my situation in life. 

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

1.) I walk, down the street.
          There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
          I fall in
     I am lost.... I am hopeless.
         It isn't my fault.
     It takes forever to find a way out.

2.) I walk down the same street.
         There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
         I pretend I don't see it.
         I fall in again.
     I can't believe I am in the same place.
         But, it isn't my fault.
     It still takes a long time to get out.

3.) I walk down the same street.
        There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
        I see it is there.
     I still fall in...... it's a habit.
             My eyes are open.
             I know where I am.
        It is my fault.
        I get out immediately.

4.) I walk down the same street.
        There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
        I walk around it.

5.) I walk down another street.

What a powerful autobiography.  I am living in this same story, somewhere around chapter 2-3.  I really need to get to chapter 4 at least.  I know I'll get there, I know I will.

Anxiety part three

So I went to the drs today. They did an EKG. Then I talked to the dr. The good news: my heart is fine. Strong regular heart beat, not enlarged, no sign of any distress. The bad news: surprise! It's stress and depression. I am being put back on depression meds, was told to go for walks, talk to a good friend, cry, reduce the stress in my life.
Here's my problem with that: there's nothing I can really do to reduce the stress in my life, it is all out of my hands. (I am trying to work on how I deal with that stress, really I am). Going for a walk is hard but not impossible. I'm so tired all the time I just have to break this cycle and get out there and do it. Talking to a friend, well, I only have one friend that I talk to regularly, she has so much on her plate, and let's get real here- who wants to hear someone constantly talking about all the problems? I know she would get sick of me real soon if I complained any more. (I'm trying to be more positive in my thoughts and words and deeds). The last thing is crying- he thinks I should cry a lot. I hate to cry, I am so programed now that I am fighting to stop the tears as soon as they start (which is all the time now), I also can't stand being all stuffy during and after as well as my eyes hurt for hours after 2 min of crying, if I really let go they would never feel ok again!
So, this journey has thrown a few more curves into it, but who wants to walk down a straight road anyway right? Right? I know I'll be fine and will come out as a stronger, more empowered, more compassionate woman. Now if I could only learn acceptance, every time I think I've accepted and let go of my "stuff" it rises up to bite me once again. When will I learn the lessons I'm being taught?

Anxiety part two

So, I finally called my doctors office today.  I figured it was time, I had a friend and our case manager (also a friend) tell me I should.  Also at a school meeting about my son's struggles I walked all over the school with no trouble, but when I went home I walked from the living room to the kitchen (not that far, maybe 30 steps if that) I was out of breath and my heart was racing.  Well, probably not, but it felt that way.  I give up.  Time to make the call.  As it turns out, they want to see me.  Go figure.
They asked me to come in this afternoon.  I explained that I was on my way to work.  I was single staffed, and working with adults with disabilities.  There was no way I could get there.  They kept stressing that I needed to take care of myself.  Isn't that what I was doing by calling?  So now I have an appointment tomorrow with a doctor.  They want to run some tests including an EKG and labs.  Of what joy, what rapture!  I don't want to go!!!  I want to bury my head in the sand and ignore, ignore, ignore.  But I'm an adult, I need to take care of myself, even though I'm terrible at it- see: not losing weight, depression untreated, etc. etc...  I need to be here for my son.  I know his dad loves him, but I really don't trust that if I was not around he would do everything necessary to give our son what he needs and deserves.
So, tomorrow morning I will get my son ready for school, on the bus, then put on my BIG GIRL PANTIES and go to the doctors office to be poked and prodded.  Maybe I can get some good material for my other blog   http://emilysperspective.blogspot.com/ .  This is what my life has been reduced to, looking for the weird and strange things that happen to me (or at least my weird and strange way of looking at things) to be fodder for others entertainment.  (ok, it entertains me too....)
Wish me luck......

Anxiety

So I've been feeling like my heart is going to jump out of my chest, I feel all jittery without any energy (no fair) and all panicky, like I feel when I know I've screwed up and I'm about to have a confrontation about it.  I called a friend since I can't afford a Dr without a real reason ( and then not even then really these days).  She told me not to worry, it's probably just a panic attack.  Great, this has lasted all week.  Seriously it was just over a week when this started.  I've tried to slow my heart but guess what?  I just took my pulse tonight (apical, with a stethoscope to make sure it was accurate) it was only 74.  There's no way my heart is racing, so why does it feel like it is?  Like the other shoe is about to drop and it will be bad, really bad?  I don't know.  But maybe it has something to do with the creditors calling several times a day, my husband not being my ex yet and even though he doesn't live here he treats the house like he still does?  [I mean this morning he got here 25 minutes early.  I was eating breakfast and as soon as I heard him walk in, I had a hard time eating.  The stoma from the lap-band is small, and it gets smaller when I'm under a lot of stress.  No wonder food has been difficult for me.  Unfortunately, ice cream still goes down easy. ]  Or could it have anything to do with the fact that my son tells me on an almost daily basis that he's sad, depressed, or feels like he wants to die?  I don't know, maybe it's just stress over my Halloween costume I can't afford to buy now.......
I need to meditate, I know I do, I need to de-stress, I need to clear myself.  I can't seem to get myself to focus enough to let it all go enough to do this though.  I can still smile, that's something right?  Most days I can count my blessing, at least some of them. 1. I have a roof over my head. 2. I have a family that loves me.  3. I have my son.  4. I have a job I like mostly.  I know there are more, I'm just to tired and panicky to think of them right now.  IF I can do that, things can't be too bad right?  It will get better.  IT WILL.

I mean hey, I found 2 heart rocks today on my walk.  That has to be a sign that things will be fine.

right?

Overwhelmed

Do you ever just feel so overwhelmed that you shut down and want to hibernate?  Well, that's how I've felt for a very long time as far as my financial situation goes.  I'm in way over my head as far as debt is concerned.  Fixing it looks impossible.  I don't even want to try, I want to continue to ignore it but I can't.  Here's the frustrating part: If I wanted to I could stick my to-be ex with the bills for last years oil, cable etc because we are technically still married and he's here so often that he's using these things almost as much as me, and more importantly- they are all in his name.  I can't tell you how much I want to do that.  Then I would only have to face the debt in my name and might actually prompt Ex to finally file for divorce just to save his credit.  However, even though that was suggested to me by the oil company I talked to today to start making payments on my seriously past due account, I can't do it.  It's not right and I have to make it right. 
I find that when I'm stressed about finances ( most of the time) I end up over spending on craft things.  I've been told that crafting is my "crack".  I really need to get this under control, I mean my cars inspection expired in April and I can't afford to get it fixed and inspected.  But I have the money for paper and stickers?  Wow, I really need to start seeing a therapist again and also get spending under control.  I need to take a hard look at my expenses and make a budget and stick to it.  But what I really want to do is buy these really cute Christmas stamps I found at the craft store and then hide under my covers.  I will not buy! I will not buy!
I need a tranquilizer and a drink.........

Depression

I have struggled with depression for many years.  I was so happy when I was finally in therapy with an amazing counselor.  I was doing so well that I could go off my depression medication.  To finally be free, I hate taking medications, felt like I had finally conquered one of my demons.  This was also 3 weeks after I had had my lap-band surgery.  My life was on track. 
Three weeks later my husband and I sat down to talk.  We had been fighting, I can't speak for him, but for myself I was upset about his friendship with a younger woman.  So we talked.  I started by telling him I was concerned, he was taking this woman out every week for dinner ( he paid) with our son.  He took pictures and put them on the computer if her putting my son to bed.  She was doing her laundry at my house, hanging out at my house.  All of this was while I was at work.  I told him for our marriage (which had been very rocky for several years on and off) to work I needed him to back off his friendship with this other woman and go to marriage counseling with me.  His response was :"I want a divorce."
I know we had not been happy for a while, ( long while) but I was devastated.  He had told me all along while I voiced concerns over the previous months that I was crazy, he loved me, he married me, he wanted to make our marriage to work. To have it all fall apart in an instant was stunning.  He also maintained that he was only ever friends with this other woman (24 yrs old) but the next week he came clean and said that they were going to try to make their relationship work.  Wow, can we say sucker-punch?
A week after he ended our marriage ( but didn't move out for 5 months) my 7 year old son climbed into bed with me and told me "I'm mad at you."  Then proceeded to tell me that he was a girl and I wouldn't let him grow out his hair out or wear girls clothes.  Really?
I tell you this not to rehash but to share that through all this I didn't go back on depression medications!!  I was so proud of myself.  I continued with counseling and started the process of dealing with and moving forward with this new life I was given.  I was free of medications, I was a strong empowered woman.  I was a fool.
My therapist moved out of state, I couldn't afford to find a new one and was scared that I wouldn't find such a good match again.  On top of that I felt like I was abandoned by some of my good friends.  All of  "our friends" were first my husbands who I made an effort to get to know and befriend.  He always refused to put in the effort with my friends. 
My weight loss journey had been going so well up till this point.  I had lost 40 pounds.  But living with my husband who wasn't really my husband anymore, watching him get all dressed up and going out on dates with other women on the nights I didn't work or having him act like we were still married became too much.  I have since gained most of the weight back.  I have been eating my feelings.  I'm not proud of this.  I'm trying to get back on track.  I have also had some health issues during this time making working out almost impossible.
HE did move out eventually, but he is still at my house 5 days a week, using my electricity, heat, water etc.  He doesn't take our son to his house very often, or out at all, all in the name of it makes our son happier to be at the house.  More likely it's so husband can watch tv, ( records all his shows on my dvr box so he doesn't have to pay for one himself, saying he lets his dad use the tv at his place <lives with his daddy now>) and use my computer ( uses someones wifi at his place so he doesn't have to pay for internet).
Let's also be clear- it's been almost 2 years since he asked for a divorce but has not filed for one.  I realize that I will have to be the one to file, but I've been so busy dealing with everything that comes with a son with developmental disabilities.  Plus emotionally and mentally I'm not up for it right now.  He did pick up the papers last December and left them on the counter expecting me to fill out the paperwork for him.  When he asked me a week later why I hadn't done this I told him it was his job.  I'm not his mother, he can fill it out.  Yeah for me, I didn't "take care of him" like I used to throughout our marriage.  This is good right?
Sorry for all the ramblings down memory lane.  We'll skip the rest, at least for now.
Here's where I am now:  frustrated and resentful more than I can say.  Having gained most of my weight back, with no motivation to lose it again.  Will power has deserted me.  Curse you!!!!  And very depressed.  I have been in denial about my state of mind for a long time now.  I have eaten my feelings to numb myself and have that instant (short-lived) "good feeling".  I have also turned to crafts.  I have recently been told that crafts/art are my crack .  Well, If I'm going to be addicted to something, it's better than drugs or alcohol right?
An Art-filled life  is my blog about putting the art back into my life.
I didn't realize how depressed I was until my brother got married.  It was such a beautiful wedding, but I felt disassociated from it all. I didn't feel like I belonged, in the way, and useless.  That's not how it was only how I felt.  I also saw some pictures on facebook from the wedding a few days later and was so excited I copied them to my phone and re-posted them on my page.  I was not at my computer so I was unable to "share" them.  I re-tagged them with my brother and sister-in-laws names on them not even thinking about it.  Well, my brother sent me a very nice e-mail saying he was a little concerned about me tagging their photographers pictures as my own.  It was a mistake right?  No big deal.  I took the pictures down immediately and sent off an e-mail apologizing and explaining that I was also told that I was told during the reception that she was not the paid photographer.  ( I didn't realize there was 2 paid photographers)  OK, so I fixed the problem and apologized.  Then why did I feel like I was the worst person/sister in the world?  Why did I feel like I was also the stupidest person in the world.  Silly right?  That was the moment I realized I need help.  That was a week ago.  I'm trying to do the work on my own.  I'm overwhelmed, I'm tired and trying to stay positive.  This is my journey.........   

A new start.....

I've now officially started my third blog. What am I thinking? Am I crazy? Why three?
Well, I can at least answer the last question. The reason for three blogs, is that they are all for different reasons.
An art-filled life is for the creative side to be expressed. I've missed that side for too long, therefor I now have a forum to share it, to continue to be inspired and maybe inspire someone else.
Emily's perspective is a unique take on some of the experiences I have in life and how I look at them with humor.
This blog is because I need a place to process that which is my life. It is not meant to be looked at as a pity party, or for people to think my life is hard, or that I think it is harder than anyone else's. It is simply a place for me to talk, in writing form, about my life. To travel down a path of acceptance, learn to love myself as I should and start again in living a joy-filled life. If anyone decides to read and follow this blog I hope it helps, knowing that you are not alone, and I hope I feel less lonely in the process. I hope there will be some insight, wisdom and even humor at times.
I'm not the best writer, so here's hoping.