What a difference a minute makes

Will started out this morning with minimal struggles, just the usual...

He came home from school with reports of an awesome day. Yeah Will! Woot woot! Staff came 20 minutes later and Will excelled at using his words and doing everything that was asked of him. He chose to go support his classmates in the cabaret. We made his schedule, when it came time to leave for the cabaret everything changed in an instant.

He wanted to get there late so he could play for 10 minutes before. Staff deferred to me to take the lead with Will. We sat down and talked. I explained that we needed to leave on time to find parking, find our seats, and because its kind of rude to arrive late. Will can be so empathetic at times, and at others.....well....not so much. He started screaming about how he didn't care about the other kids because they all bully him. My heart broke right them and there, however, by talking quietly and calmly we were able to figure out the REAL reason for the melt down: he desperately wanted to play 3 person minecraft while Tim was there working with him and he hadn't been able to play it today with staff/me. We came to a compromise and just like that, in another instant he was fine.

We went to the cabaret, came home early and played minecraft. When it was time to move on to other things (meds/shower) we turned in another instant! What a crazy night tonight has turned out to be. I let him hit me with a pillow to get out the frustration. It worked quickly, then he got hurt, and knocked off the wii sensor bar off the tv. Another melt down....more hitting me with a pillow which didn't work quite so well the second time around. Sigh...

We (by that I mean I) decided that an early bedtime was warranted. So we went upstairs, used our new sensory light, read a little from our new book, did a blanket wrap and got through our happy thoughts.

May have been quite a roller coaster of a day, but we ended it well....and isn't that all that REALLY matters?

Today started like any other day

Having a long stretch of good behavior makes me worry the longer it lasts. Why? I'm waiting for the other show to drop. Now this begs the question am I manifesting the meltdowns when they happen?

I happen to strongly believe in the idea of "thought before form" and "like attracts like". Maybe a little weird for some, I definitely think I believe this so strongly has to do with my REIKI and Polarity training. These are both forms of energy work which gently brings your body into alignment and balance as well as boosts peace and well being.

Today started out like any other day in the recent past. We had a slow morning, then I dropped Will off at school for 3 hours. When I went to pick him up he was all excited showing me a sign he made for selling seaweed at the beach. (yeah, he's brilliant, funny, inventive and a little weird sometimes. But he's mine and I wouldn't change him at all.)

When I explained that his dad would be over in an hour so I could go to work and I hadn't eaten lunch yet so going to the beach wouldn't be happening in the next hour he became upset. This lasted when I said no to a rootbeer and then told him to "take some time" to calm and let me finish a phone call to a dear friend who just got home from the hospital.

Anyway, he started screaming and swearing at me his best(worst) was calling me a "f-ing B". I took the laptop he's been borrowing from his dad and put it away. He did not take this well. This is the point he physically started attacking me. Hitting, kicking, scratching and the occasional bite. Throughout he was screaming it was all my fault, that I was making him act like this, I was making him keep being angry (I had removed myself from the room and was ignoring him at this point, but hey I guess I can see how I was continuing the escalation....)

When he realized I wasn't taking the bait he finally had his emotional release and cried. He then apologized for- get this, MY inability to take responsibility for causing and perpetuating the meltdown. (my words, he's smart but he's not using words like perpetuate quite yet.). THEN he apologized for swearing, hitting, etc. I was then told that we BOTH need to work on our tempers. This kid is too smart for my own good.

I was asked if I accepted his apology. He sat right up close to me on the couch with tears in his eyes. What could I say? "yes honey, I accept your apology. Thank you for apologizing."

From that moment on, all was right in his world again. He turned his back to me and told (not asked) me to scratch his back. Back scratching is his most used coping tool. We use it when he's upset, de-escalating, tired, etc. and sometimes just cause he has an itch.

So the question begs asking: did I manifest this meltdown because I have been thinking we were due for one anytime now? Or was it just a natural event that would have happened even if I had been thinking of puppies and kittens?

Will

So I had yesterday after school and all day today with Will.  Yesterday I was able to forget all the worry while we had fun.  It was such a great day.  Today was a little different.  We started by him crawling into bed with me at 4:45am.  We slept till 7:45 which was a first I think.  We played a little, had a snack and a mini meltdown because I wouldn't let him have what he wanted for morning snack, went to the library, then to the Children's Museum where Will actually put his hand in the tide pool tank and touched everything from a real live crab to a sea star, to a sea urchin and other things besides.  I was very proud of him for being so adventurous.  May not be a big deal for most kids, but for Will it was huge.  We've gone many times when it was open and this was the first time he willingly wanted to do it.  He wasn't sure about the crab at first, but when the lady in charge picked it up and it didn't "get her" he got more bold.  He also asked the face painter if she would paint stars on one hand and a rainbow on the other.  He got me to get a dragonfly and then decided it would go right on my forehead for all to see.  Yeah me.
We then came home for lunch, played a little more, then went grocery shopping. Had a larger meltdown while there- growling at me, very rude, stamping his feet- got home and continued the meltdown telling me I was mean to him= rushing him in the store, asking him too many questions ( i asked him what he wanted me to get for his lunches- that's it!)  I pointed out that I got him a dress-up outfit for him and a snack he wanted, but these did not prove that I am not mean to him.  His grandfather came over and played with him.  He had dinner, played on the computer too much, short bath and then bed.  We are pretty sure he's coming down with a cold which means a runny nose, a lot less sleep for both of us, and a cranky demeanor.
As you can see, I had a lot of moments throughout the day that were a lot of fun, and I did my best to enjoy them without holding on to the worry.  But those moments of meltdowns were terrifying to me.  Not because they were big (they weren't) but because now all I can wonder is "Is this the one that turns explosive and damages him psychologically?  Will his self-esteem be permanently damaged by this?  Should he already be in SP?  Am I making the right decision?  Am I being selfish?
How am I supposed to know what the best decision for Will is?  I'm terrified that whatever I do will be the catalyst for him being forever damaged.  Is this how any mom would feel faced with this situation?  Am I just completely over-reacting?  Am I putting off what needs to be done immediately?  Or am I putting myself and more importantly Will through something he should never go through?  I know parenting wouldn't be easy, but this is killing me.  Now that I've basically made the decision that he will eventually go to SH I keep second guessing myself about if it's right or if the timing is right.
I think I might be slightly neurotic.  You think?????