Relationships

Well, I am definitely trying to get back in "the game". I've met a really sweet, cute, funny guy. I like him a lot.

But a relationship? I'm just not ready. While I have spent the last two years working through the "effects of my marriage" and have come such a long way as far as a acceptance and forgiveness, I'm not ready to trust another man in that way. I can't let myself depend on one for anything.

Clearly I still have a ways to go. 😌

For right now I am interested in someone who can make me laugh, Someone to keep the loneliness at bay once in a while. I admit, I miss having someone to talk to, and be silly with.

Is there really anything wrong with a woman wanting these things? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy being by myself most of the time. I like knowing that I can take care of myself and don't need a man in my life.

But needing and wanting are two VERY different things. And sometimes I want someone. So, having someone to lighten the load once in a while and make me smile isn't a bad thing.

I still have too much work to do, to much trust to build before I can even think about a real relationship with a man. I'm more confident, but does that mean I trust myself to demand what I deserve? What about putting a stop to any negative treatment? Am I strong enough to walk away if necessary? I wish I could say YES and know I meant it. Honestly, I'm not sure. I'm stronger than I was, but am I there yet? Probably not. I think I'm close...

So for now, I am so happy to just have some fun. I think with everything in the past several years I deserve some fun. I deserve to be happy. (see how far I've already come?😉)

So let's be friends and be kind to each other, and above all, let's have fun!

Anxiety

So I've been feeling like my heart is going to jump out of my chest, I feel all jittery without any energy (no fair) and all panicky, like I feel when I know I've screwed up and I'm about to have a confrontation about it.  I called a friend since I can't afford a Dr without a real reason ( and then not even then really these days).  She told me not to worry, it's probably just a panic attack.  Great, this has lasted all week.  Seriously it was just over a week when this started.  I've tried to slow my heart but guess what?  I just took my pulse tonight (apical, with a stethoscope to make sure it was accurate) it was only 74.  There's no way my heart is racing, so why does it feel like it is?  Like the other shoe is about to drop and it will be bad, really bad?  I don't know.  But maybe it has something to do with the creditors calling several times a day, my husband not being my ex yet and even though he doesn't live here he treats the house like he still does?  [I mean this morning he got here 25 minutes early.  I was eating breakfast and as soon as I heard him walk in, I had a hard time eating.  The stoma from the lap-band is small, and it gets smaller when I'm under a lot of stress.  No wonder food has been difficult for me.  Unfortunately, ice cream still goes down easy. ]  Or could it have anything to do with the fact that my son tells me on an almost daily basis that he's sad, depressed, or feels like he wants to die?  I don't know, maybe it's just stress over my Halloween costume I can't afford to buy now.......
I need to meditate, I know I do, I need to de-stress, I need to clear myself.  I can't seem to get myself to focus enough to let it all go enough to do this though.  I can still smile, that's something right?  Most days I can count my blessing, at least some of them. 1. I have a roof over my head. 2. I have a family that loves me.  3. I have my son.  4. I have a job I like mostly.  I know there are more, I'm just to tired and panicky to think of them right now.  IF I can do that, things can't be too bad right?  It will get better.  IT WILL.

I mean hey, I found 2 heart rocks today on my walk.  That has to be a sign that things will be fine.

right?