Lonely

Have you ever felt so lonely it's crushingly overwhelming? That's how I feel today.

I know I have family and friends, I'm not REALY alone. I can call and talk or visit with friends. That's not what I mean though.

I want that special someone to snuggle with, to share EVERYTHING (well, maybe not everything) with. The person whose shoulder is always there to cry on, and who will lend a sympathetic ear. The person who will rejoice in the wonderful moments with me, and hold me during the painful moments.

Now don't get me wrong. I have learned in the last 2 years that I can live on my own, I even enjoy it most of the time. I am so proud of myself for being self-sufficient. I'm not asking for another husband, not what I'm looking for right now. Who knows if I ever will?

Why is this coming up now? Well, honestly it creeps in every once in a while. But today it's because my ex's grandmother passed away and the viewing/visiting hours were today. She was a great woman and I loved her, she had been my family for more than a decade. I took the afternoon off from work to pay my respects, lend my support to my ex, ad especially my son. Knowing Will there was only so much he could handle. I didn't want the ex to have to worry about that today, and I didn't want Will forced to stay and endure what he couldn't tolerate.

I'm so glad I was able to do it, but it made me sad. I had no one to console me. I'm trying to be there for them, but there's no one special to be there for me. My ex has an ex-girlfriend and a girlfriend to take the place I used to hold in his life to console and take care of him. That's OK, I'm not saying I want or need to be that for him. I just realized he has that special someone, and that's great for him, but
I guess I'm feeling a little jealous of him. I know I shouldn't, but I'm having a moment of wanting something I don't have and won't have for the foreseeable future. I'm reminding myself that I am EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be. God has a plan for me and I WILL trust in HIM. Doesn't mean I have to like it all the time.

I really do enjoy my life and like where I am and where I'm going. But as the theme of my life goes: "I'm a work in progress" so I just keep accepting, loving, changing, and growing. Life will continue on, I'll trust in God, and follow this crazy path that I'm on living in the moment.

Good thing all my moments don't feel like this one. Namaste

Lonely

First I have a disclaimer--- this is not a pity party, this isn't to make others feel bad for me, and it isn't to make others feel bad or guilty.

I am feeling very lonely. It's not the type of lonely which can be fixed by being with friends or family. I need Will. I was up till 3:30 this morning and awake by 7:15. This is not because I wasn't tired, I was exhausted. I just can't turn off my brain. It also isn't right to go to bed without being able to hear his soft snores coming from his room, or looking forward to his waking me in the morning--or better yet, climbing in and snuggling. Even his giggles over my reactions to his ice cold feet is missing from my life.

I know it's temporary, and I hope that it gets easier until he comes home. Cause right now, I'm not getting anything done outside of work.

I had lots of plans to clean my house top to bottom and purge unused toys and papers, but as of now, I can't even concentrate on reading more than a page in a book or watch a 1/2 hr sit com and pay attention. I know it's only been a few days so I'm cutting myself some slack. I need to start eating regular meals and drink more than coffee. My pee is now orange which I'm sure isn't all that healthy. At least I've remembered to take my mess the last 3 days. That's a step right?