A good friend or too accommodating?

I've been thinking lately, and asking myself a hard question. So hard for me in fact I have opened it up to friends/family/and now everyone. Am I being a good and considerate friend or am I too accommodating?

Now for a little back story to explain.... I am a nurturer by nature. It's who I am and what I do. I will do what I can for who I can. When I am spending time with someone and I know they don't like watching comedies, we don't ever watch comedies. If they don't like kissing (I'm talking romantic relationship on this one) we won't kiss. I want the person I am with to be happy. I don't want to put them in a position where they have to do anything they don't want.

This is done to the extent that in my marriage and in some friendships throughout the years I have gone without certain things I wanted/needed. I do this happily (for the most part). I end up feeling guilty when someone offers to do something I know they don't like.

Don't get me wrong, some have happily offered to do these things for me. I just seem to be very hypocritical when it comes to this subject. It's ok for me to do things I may not enjoy to please others, but it is not acceptable to let others have that same opportunity.

Is this an ok way to go through life? Forgoing my needs and desires and making everyone else's more important? How is this mind set helping me push forward? Is this why I have such a hard time taking care of myself? Am I being a good and considerate friend? Or, am I still stuck in the mindset that I'm not worthy and not important? Told you I'm wrestling with some weighty issues.

On a side note- my self care act for the day is going out for a drink with some good friends (and letting a friend buy me a drink as sadly I can't afford it myself- normally I would just decline and stay home by myself). It's a start right?

So far so good

Well, it's been over 24 hours and the only real struggle was when dad made Will go back to SH. (dad "needed" his iPod so desperately, even though he has 2 others). I was able to run his plan and help Will manage himself and his feelings. He was awesome.

Today the only blip was when he changed his mind about a shower. I made it clear that he needed to shower and wash his hair well (the night before he showered and only washed the back of his hair? What's up with that?). He wasn't happy, but didn't take it past telling me he wasn't happy. How awesome is that?

It was a great day at school, and then he had a friend come over. He's had 2 friends write/draw him cards in the last 2 days saying how glad they are to have him back and that he's their best friend.

We had dinner out with granny and papa. He has had such an awesome day that after the shower he earned a guitar (inflatable) and he rocked out for me. I feel truly blessed.

Another difficult night

So, last night I stayed on the couch till 1am. Went to bed and laid there playing on my phone till 2:30, at this time I fell into a restless sleep. Tossing and turning till 6:45-ish am. Then I refused to get out of bed till 9:30, when I had to drag my butt out of bed to make some coffee for my seriously sleep deprived brain to function. Drank a large cup, then left to have lunch with Will at SH. While there he told me he still liked being there, had a rough night and it was because he hadn't known what to expect at bedtime but he was all good now.

I called SH just a little while ago. He had a great day for the school part but then struggled of and on. Including bedtime. Where he refused to settle again, went to quiet room, started getting aggressive with staff. Had to leave quiet room as someone else needed it so he went in the sensory room and fell asleep there.

So it was still a rough day/night but it was better than night #1. So, even though I know he wants to be there, and things were better at bedtime, why do I find myself exhausted at 12:10am unable to shut my mind off and sleep? I have had way too many nights like this leading up to SH. Weds and last night were the worst. Hopefully it will get better for me too?

Mom and I are going to visit tomorrow morning. I know she's anxious to see him and his environment too.

But what to do the rest of the day? A good friend has invited me out tomorrow night, but I really am not up to a group of strangers, or anyone right now.

I did go to a friends house today for a few hours so that's good right?

Here's hoping for sleep tonight. For me and Will.

A wonderful day

I have had 2 1/2 uninterrupted days with my wonderful son.  Yesterday we had a few bumps in the road, but that's not surprising when you consider, there was no school, went out to lunch with my wonderfully generous aunt, spent a lovely hour with my bestest friend and her one year old son, Will was amazing with him, sharing toys and helping Maggie and I with him.  Then went to my parents home for dinner.  So after such a long day of unusual activities I wasn't surprised to have a rough end of the day.  However he made up for it by calling me upstairs asking me to lay with him after he had calmed down.  I went upstairs and as soon as I climbed into bed he said  "I love you so much."  Well, I can tell you my heart just melted.  So glad we ended on such a sweet note.
Today was even better.  We went to the library, he's getting better at picking out books and trying them.  We've already taken a couple of books out last week.  He let me read a couple of chapters before he decided he didn't like them.  So proud!!  Well, we returned the books today and he picked out 2 more and some cd's all about soccer and the world cups.  Then we went to A.C. Moore where we picked out a couple of inexpensive crafts to do together. (Mario inspired)
Then we spent a quiet day at home putting his Mario stuff together and playing.  His grampy came over to play for an hour or so.  We had dinner, played some more, had a bath- didn't even fight me about washing his hair!!!!- then brushed teeth and went to bed. 
I have to say, as much as I love spending time with Will playing and listening to him, my favorite time of the day is bedtime.  We read some and then we snuggle until he's almost asleep.  I'd stay there forever if I could, listening to him breathe and watching his face relax while he fights sleep.  He often tells me he's too tired to sleep. Isn't it funny that those are the nights he's asleep almost before the lights go out?  I love him with all my heart.  I will do anything for this sweet child who struggles so much with things that most take for granted as easy.
I love my son, difficulties and all...............................

Stupidity

I want to first start off relaying my morning.  I have already shared about my depression being back, anxiety rising, well, I'm realizing I'm not handling some things well.  I had a really upsetting time at work over the last couple of days.  My manager has not been treating me with any respect and I've been having a hard time processing and moving on.  Case in point: I talked to a dear friend this morning, as I was going over everything again she stopped me and asked me "What's something positive in your life?"  That was all it took, I couldn't even answer her at first I just thanked her.  That was all it took to get me out of my own way.  My positive was getting to put my son to bed after being at work and missing that activity for 4 days. 
I'm still upset, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't seem so all-consuming when I remember that there are positives in my life.  I have since found a few more, I got to work with a wonderful, insightful woman I am blessed enough to call my friend as well as co-worker, I have a home, my car is still working, I have my parents, and I have some wonderful friends who are there to help me pick up the pieces when I drop them.  I am blessed.
Now on to the stupid part.  I work as a lead DSP.  That means I am an assistant manager who works in the programs doing direct support with our consumers.  There are 7 of us leads in the company.  One of these women projects a lot of negativity, she has also made it her mission to make mean, spiteful comments to me and make fun of me to my face with the pretense of joking.  I know what she is doing, I realized it with the first snarky  comment she made.  I also knew I had options as to how I wanted to deal with her.  1. I could be just as mean and snarky towards her- but I'm not like that.  2. I could confront her-but I seriously believe this would give her too much satisfaction and it would encourage her. 3. I could run to our bosses and complain- I believe this would also have negative results as I don't believe she will ever change who she is, and then I'm known as the trouble-maker with the other leads, and a pain who can't take care of herself with the management. 4. I could ignore her, and even laugh at myself once in a while.  This is what I chose.  Her comments and attitude doesn't affect me.  Why should it, she says I act like a fool.  Well, I do sometimes but I don't see that as a negative.  As for her other comments-- it doesn't matter, I know who I am and that I'm great at my job, my clients like and respect me (most of the time) and I like who I am.  So how can her comments bother me?  They don't.   Here's where the stupidity comes in---------she is best buddies with one of my staff.  They like to get together and talk about how I keep getting "slammed" and I don't even get it because I'm too stupid.  I found out they think this is hilarious, my staff thinks it's so funny she shared it with another staff (happens to be my friend).  So what does that make them?  If I know what's being done and the true intent behind the words but have chosen to just ignore it and not sink to that level, and they haven't even thought that I might be smart enough to figure it all out and take a different path then they would, and then they share the hilarity with others who actually know that I'm smart enough......What does that make them?  Actually, it doesn't matter, it's not worth the time to figure it out.
Now here's another epiphany: If I can say that the above doesn't bother me, that I know my own worth, and that I'm happy with who I am,  and really mean it.  Why doesn't that translate into what happened with my boss?  Or some other areas in my life where I don't feel good enough?  Is it because I need to prove to others who are my superiors that I'm good enough and deserve to be here?  Why in these circumstances do I feel so unsure of myself?  Something for me to start exploring in more depth.