Do I set my friends up to fail?

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I have been struggling with many things for the last month: family, son struggling, ex/divorce, work, relationships, financial problems. Lots of things have had me spiraling out of control. Have I ever mentioned how much I like to be in control? I do, so having so little control over most aspects of my life has also been a huge source of anxiety.

While I have had a few friends show their love and concern on Facebook, I have felt very isolated and lonely on top of everything else. I keep coming back to a saying I read a while ago:

"One who holds your hand in your problems is a good friend, but the true friend is one who holds your hand more tightly when you tell them to leave you alone."

I have never been good at asking or accepting help. I find when I need it the most I pull away even harder. In my head I know this is crazy, I know I have been blessed with friends who would be there for me. But my heart demands that I protect myself from the disappointment of being let down by not asking.

I have come to realize over the last couple of days that subconsciously I am waiting for my friends to just know what I need and to hold my hand more tightly. In doing this I am setting my friends up to fail me. This in turn feeds the cycle of me not asking for what I need because I have been let down again. None of this is about my friends. They are some amazing people and they deserve the chance to be there for me, as I deserve the chance to be there for them.

This all comes back to me. This is about how I view myself and my worth. That is where I need to focus my time and energy so that I can trust in myself and my friends. The ones that let me down, that will be on them- but its not fair to assume it will happen before giving them the chance.

Do you ever have a hard time trusting in your self worth?

Life is a funny thing

The last few years have had a lot of hard moments. There's been a lot on my plate. Well, this year seems to be all about change.

Change had always scared the hell out of me. I mean, the unknown can be a scary thing. There has been a lot of fear in my life lately. It was all about the unknown. My husband left me, what will happen to me now? Will I be alone the rest of my life? I really believed that one. My son has been in crisis for a long time. (almost 2 years), what would happen to him? Was I going to be able to help him? Would I fail him and therefor doom him to struggle more than he had to for the rest of his life? Was I going to loose the house? Where would I live then? How can I make it on my own?

These are the thoughts that have taken up so much of my life the last 2 years. They even had me stuck, unable to move forward, because there IS some comfort in staying where you are. At least then you know what's going on, you know what thoughts and feelings to expect. To move forward means to let go and trust that it WILL be okay. Trust that by moving into the unknown and uncomfortable we will come out the other side alive and whole. (at least okay).

It so easy to hold on to the fear, resentment, anger and loneliness. At least you know where you are. I have spent a lot of time telling others and more importantly, MYSELF I had let go of these feelings and had moved on. But you know the saying: Talk is cheap? Well, it is. Just saying it isn't enough. You need to live it and be it. You need to LET GO, you need
To TRUST that you will make it, you will SURVIVE. You may stumble and fall, but you get right back up, dust yourself off and keep going.

I finally decided to LIVE IT. I made
The decision to put my son in SH for the help I was unable to give, and look how well that worked out? I was devastated. I couldn't even sleep in my own bed the whole 6 weeks. I cried, and missed Will desperately, but I made it through, and so did Will. Looking back it was one of the best decision I've made. We came out the other side and we're stronger for it.

On a more recent note, I filed for divorce. It's been 2 years, Jason left me, under pretty crappy circumstances. I had refused to do anything about it. I decided that he left ME, he could file. Well, look how well that worked out for me. :)

Jason waited 10 months to get the papers. He waited till he had a girlfriend. He then left the papers for me to fill out for him ( to serve me, a little messed up? What do you think). When his girlfriend broke up with him the papers disappeared. My anger and feelings of hurt and resentment (already pretty strong) continued to grow. I kept telling myself "HE left ME. He can file. He can finish one thing in our marriage.". I kept telling myself that I would come to despise and hate him if I was forced to file. When Will went into SH, Jason told me he was filling out the paperwork again. (turns out he had a girlfriend, big surprise). I waited well over a month, but I was still not served.

I finally made the decision to get a lawyer with the financial help of my parents. I served HIM! I tell you what: I don't hate him, my anger, hurt, and resentment feel like they have melted away. I feel more in control of my life, more FREE.

I still don't know what the future will hold, but I know I'll be okay. I know Will will be okay. Where ever we end up, we will be OKAY. In fact, I'll go even farther--- we'll be better than okay! We'll be HAPPY!

Jason is angry with me for filing first. Is it because I took away his control? Is he scared? I don't know, and that's okay. I don't NEED to know. Thats HIS to deal with, NOT me.

Does this mean I've become this perfectly enlightened person? No, I'm sure I'll still have set backs, I'll still get angry, hurt and resentful as well as other negative feelings besides. However, I truly believe that I will be able to acknowledge these feeling and release them much, MUCH sooner.

Just remember, saying you've let go and moved on rarely means you have. You have to let yourself fall into the unknown trusting you will survive. You also have to take ACTION! You have to do something to move past these fears etc. if you can do this you can SOAR with the eagles.

Come fly with me!

I just don't know.

I have spent a lot of the last week crying.  Upset about my grandfather sick, my manager and the treatment I have been getting from her, and mostly about the fact that I am back on depression medication and appear to have a fairly severe case of depression and anxiety. 
I find the last 2 days there has been little to no crying over these things.  I'm feeling much more positive and focused.  Could it be the medication I'm on?  Not likely as I've only been on it a week and I've forgotten at least 2 doses, and it takes 4-6 weeks to build up in my system according to the doctors.  Do I not need the medication?  Have I stumbled upon the answers myself unknowingly?  Probably not.  This is most likely a lull in the storm that is my emotional breakdown.  I'll take it though.......
I think that having more positives to focus on helps, visualizing where I want to be and steps to get me there help, hugs from my son definitely help. ;-)  As for the rest.........I'll try to take it one day at a time.  If I cry, I cry.  I have to learn to accept those uncomfortable feelings and let them out instead of suppressing them as soon as they start.  If I let it out and trust that I will stop eventually maybe I can finally really let go.  Cause I keep thinking I've let go, but stuff keeps coming back.  Maybe this is the key to letting go.  If I ever bring myself to really sit with the pain and cry it out, I'll let you know, in the mean time I'll try.....