Sick day revisited

So, here we are close to the end of my day. Will and I have limped along and are almost ready for bed. He had a rough day because neither one of us was at our best. He had a few mini meltdowns, once even sobbing that he felt like he was being a jerk to me.

I found that it was helpful that I felt numb, but I also think it was detrimental. I can't be sure, but I think Will struggled more because of it. At one point mid-meltdown he told me he felt like I wasn't even his real mom. I know he's perceptive, but really? Am I that different? I didn't think so, but now I'm not so sure.

I like not feeling anything, I know it's probably not healthy, and I don't want to feel like this for any real length of time (that's what I keep telling myself) but this is a needed reprieve from the stress and heartache I've been feeling. I'm kind of scared of losing this protection, but if its hurting Will I will do what I need to do, no matter how painful.

Sick

I woke this morning feeling sick. I went downstairs to find my son had thrown up already and is sick himself. I am letting him play on the wii for much longer than I normally would. I still have to change the sheets on the beds, wash dishes and do 2-3 loads of laundry. Ugh!

I'm particularly feeling grateful for my brain having short circuited and not feeling anything. I am worried about what will happen when the numbness wears off, but for now I am grateful for the numbness as things keep piling on. I definitely needed a break.

So today we will rest, I will try to summon the energy to do all the chores I need to do and make myself some tea. (I may lose my mind if Will keeps refusing to learn to blow his nose- all the snuffling is driving me crazy!)

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." -Leo F. Buscaglia

Still numb

So back to the meeting this morning:  When our case manager and the school social worker were talking about my son going to Spring Harbor for at least 50 days my whole body went numb and tingly.   I know they only have his best interests at heart and are concerned about him.  I really get that.  I do.
I am stuck, I don't know which way to go, and if I were to decide not to put him there for evaluation and to figure out what's going on- would I be doing that for selfish reasons?  I mean I really don't know how I'd be able to handle him not with me for so long.  I recently went to my brothers wedding, it was the longest I've ever been away from him.  I saw him Friday morning, and then again Sunday about noon.  Seriously that's the longest I've gone without seeing, kissing and/or hugging my son.  Will gives the best hugs.  And has the most beautiful personality and smile.  How can I go with not seeing that?  And how selfish am I for thinking that?
I don't trust others to watch my son, not even family completely.  IS this what it means to be a mother?  Or am I just that controlling? I still feel numb and tingly and it's over 13 hours after our appointment.  Part of it is that panicky fight or flight feeling too. Today I've come as close as I ever have to having a full blown panic attack.  It hits me when I least expect it, and all of a sudden I can't breathe or I am hyperventilating and cease to be able to function.  I need to sit down and talk with our case manager and go to Spring Harbor to meet some of the staff and have my questions answered.  Maybe then I will be able to figure out what's best for Will, without putting "my stuff" in the mix.  Dear God, please help me make the right decision for him, and please make it clearer for me.  Cause right now, I don't trust "them" to do right by my son.  Amen