Will I ever change?

What do I mean by that you ask? I mean, will I ever get better at accepting help. Don't even get me started on my inability to ASK for help....

I've met this really nice guy. He has treated me better than any guy I've ever known. Even though we don't have a serious "relationship",(see previous posts about how I am not in a position to have/want a serious relationship right now), he has offered to come over on his day off and mow my lawn for me. He knows I'm not supposed mow because of my MS. When I thanked him but refused he told me he wanted to help so I could spend more quality time with Will, when I'm not feeling too ill to play with him.

Really, how wonderful is this guy? So you know what I did? I mowed the lawn today and now feel horrible. Haven't eaten yet today and it's now 1pm. I have no appetite, but I do have a pounding headache.

So why do you ask did I mow my lawn when I have a very sweet and handsome man willing to do it for me? Because I stink at accepting help. Even when someone offers I feel guilty. I was told all my life that I needed to take care of myself. Don't depend on anyone else. Your responsibilities are yours and no one else's. This is what I learned, maybe too well. Plus there's the issue of my self esteem. I have come so far from where I was, but it's never clearer how far I have to go as when someone offers to help me. There is a part of me that feels like I'm not worthy of your time and efforts. I should be doing for you, NOT the other way around. Intellectually I realize this is hypocritical and nonsense, however when you lived most of your life feeling inferior, and insufficient its hard to keep those feelings from creeping back in on a too regular basis.

I NEED to change this self conception I have, not only for me, but for Will as well. He needs to know that women should be treated well, that it's ok to ask for help, and that it's always ok to accept help when offered and/or needed.

What a day

Today started off rough.....it continued to be rough. I woke at 3am to the thunder and lightening storm. It was quite amazing...saw a lot of lightening even through my eyelids. Will was in bed with me because he was scared and didn't want to sleep alone. Well, no more sleep for me.

We went out to the car to see the front windows were rolled down!!! Yikes!!! My car was soaked!! I had to run inside for towels to sit on. Everything was completely drenched. Oi vey!

Then we left for school where I had my last meeting of the year with his social worker. Upon our arrival at the school we realized Will's school bag was still at home on the kitchen table. My meeting ended at 9am. Giving me exactly 1/2 hour to drive home, get his backpack, drive back to the school to drop it off, then drive to Saco- a 25 minute drive- to get to a 9:30am staff meeting. I was only 5 minutes late- not to shabby if you ask me.

The staff meeting was very unproductive. The staff while having very valid points were so incredibly negative. Everything was so angry and just complaints. When asked for ideas they gave ideas that were not possible. Given the restrictions we have to deal with, extreme budget cuts (again) we have to be creative. We need staff to understand (even if they don't like it- I mean, I don't think there's anyone in the company who likes where we've had to go to keep our clients from feeling the extent of these cuts) we need staff to pull together and help, even if that's only by understanding and cutting the office some slack. In these times we all need to be grateful for employment right?

My day got a little better, things calmed down for a while. I went to work for reals. Picked up my client and ran errands. On our way back to my clients home I got a phone call from my mom. My parents dog had been put down. It was such a sad thing to hear. I loved this dog Chlowe with all my heart. They had 3 yorkies, and I was certainly sad when the other 2 had to be put down, but Chlowe was always my favorite. She was so timid, for most of her life I was one of the only people she would go to. As she got older she would always come over to me for some REIKI. (this is energy work performed by the laying on of hands). She was a cross between an Ewok and a bear cub. When she was just a baby puppy her ears were curled back at the tips. She looked like she had slept with curlers on her ears. My baby is gone. She is playing with Clarabelle and Rocky again, and probably eating all their food too.

So, you could probably say that I didn't have a great day, some of it was down right miserable. However, I woke this morning having decided (yes, even at 3am) the I was going to be happy today. I was going to enjoy my day. Know what? I did. That's not to say I enjoyed little sleep, a wet car, being late, or my sweet Chlowe. I didn't enjoy any of that. But I didn't let these things ruin my day either.

I had a wonderful day, the only part of my day that really stunk was Chlowe's passing. Even that is a blessing. She had been suffering for a while and today was particularly bad, so the blessing is that she is no longer suffering and is at peace.

Plus I was able to visit with a very dear friend this evening before going home. So I will leave you this evening counting my blessings and falling asleep with a smile on my face this evening despite the roughness in my day. As a wonderful woman I know likes to say: peace and blessings ❤

A little piece of heaven

This would be my camp. I have been going there since I was 6 years old, that's.........a long time. My phone doesn't work there, I have no Internet or tv. It is bliss. It is quiet. It is where I go to rejuvenate my soul and fill myself with peace and love. I also feel closest with God there. For me it is the most God-like place on earth. I don't need a church I only need Empire Grove.

If you've been reading my blog then you know that I have been all over the place emotionally lately. My MS has been flaring up causing a lot pain, fatigue and stress. My son has been up and down lately, and I have been getting back into the dating scene. I have had other ups and downs as well lately, but I don't need to go into it all here.

None of these things have gone away, they are still there and will be, if not always then at least for some time to come. So why do I feel calmer? More at peace with my lot in life and myself? Because I just spent 17 hours at my camp. It wasn't long enough for me, but then it never really is.

I saw some wonderful friends, ate some wonderful food at the pot luck dinner and got to sleep in the best place on earth. To top it all off: Will did amazingly well while there. Nothing like the last 2 years. He was outside playing and letting me visit, he even offered to help set up for the dinner: OMGoodness!!!

I also got to see an amazing man who is finally home after a horrific accident this summer. His circumstances have drastically changed, but his positive attitude knows no bounds and he hasn't lost his sense of humor. He is and will always be my favorite dirty old
Man.

I am hoping to spend A LOT more time there this summer as it always has such a calming, centering effect on me. I came home from such a short visit feeling more rested, calmer, and happier than before I left.

I am so blessed to have my own little piece of heaven I can visit whenever I can get there. Again, it's about finding the balance and making the time to get to heaven.... And this time of year the lady slippers are EVERYWHERE!

Inspiration

I have to admit, my favorite place on earth is my camp. I find the most peace when I'm there, it is a balm to my soul. However, I have some wonderful friends who have been sharing inspirational quotes and pictures, and some I have found myself. I felt the need to share some of them with you. These are some of the things that inspire me to be better in all aspects of my life. Hope you enjoy.

Mixed feelings kind of day

So, I just finished my previous post about how grateful I am to be exactly where I am and am supposed to be. I decided to write this in a different post because it just doesn't "go with" what I just wrote. Although I still even in this moment believe and stand by my last post.

Again, I'm sitting on my couch although the ice pack is now back in the freezer until I need it later in the day. I find in my self reflective kind of mood that I'm finding it very difficult finding the balance in my life. I find myself more and more spending any down time stuck on the couch recovering.

There is so much to do every day. I don't have the time to rest as often as I should. I have staff who have all the excuses in the world as to why they can't mow the lawn. Some are valid I know, but some just don't want to work. In the last 2 weeks I have had to mow my lawn each week and a lawn for one of my homes. I understand having to mow my lawn. I own a house and only live with my 9 year old son. I get it. I accept that it is my reality. But to have to mow at work when my neurologist doesn't want me to mow ANY lawn it gets frustrating. I physically pay for it for days, but can't take the time I need to recuperate. There is always something else that needs doing.

I'll admit, my housework suffers for it on a weekly basis. I don't clean as often as I probably should. I have been saying for weeks I need to go through Wills stuff in the dining/play/therapy room and purge/organize. Still hasn't happened. Ok, so I cut myself a break and try not to stress too much about it. But I still have to get laundry done-- we both need to be clothed (no one wants to see me walking around naked I promise you that) I still need to go grocery shopping (btw, just found out that due to budget cuts at work I will be taking over the grocery shopping for all three homes and will have to make myself start doing the coupon/somewhat extreme couponing thing for all of them. I'd rather be tortured then have to spend that kind of time on flyers/coupon clipping). I still have to be physically active with my clients AND my son. And then there's all the little extras like the art show at Wills school last night which also included a scavenger hunt, frisbee golf, and a couple other activities.

I had to force my son to leave early, even though he was enjoying himself and socializing, because my legs weren't working right. They were aching so badly and I couldn't lift them. I was walking so slowly and stumbling over the uneven ground because I couldn't pick up my feet. When Will went to bed I had to go to bed too. There was no way I was going to be able to walk down those stairs and then back up them. I slept almost 12 hours last night and my legs are still aching and like lead.

So what am I saying? I'm still resentful of my MS. I feel like I am getting weaker with every day that passes lately. My stamina is decreasing, and with no significant time to rest I don't see how this will change. But it's imperative it changes! If I don't have the time now, what makes my body think I'll have the time when it shuts down on me? I'm caught in a vicious cycle and I can't seem to get off the damn ride.

So again, it comes down to balance. How do I find the balance to do everything that needs doing and taking care of and listening to my body the way it needs to be taken care of? Is there an answer? Maybe I need to continue the self reflection and learn to ask for help, hold others accountable for promises made and their responsibilities, and put myself first once in a while. What a foreign concept ;~}. Maybe, just maybe this is what is needed to be incorporated in my life......

Maybe.....

Self reflection

As I sit on my couch this morning icing my still swollen and slightly sore ankle I am taking this time to self reflect on where I am in life.

If you had asked me 10 years ago where I would be now, it would NOT have been here. I'm still overweight, I'm in the final stages of getting a divorce, I have a special needs son, I have MS and I have a great job but it doesn't pay enough to live comfortably at all.

However, I'm not all that unhappy wit where I am. I am out (almost completely) of an unhappy and dysfunctional marriage- wont go into any details as he's not a bad guy but..... Anyway, my job is still one I enjoy and I'm good at it, and I get to help people everyday.

My son is the light of my life. He brings me joy even on his roughest days. It doesn't matter how dark it gets, whatever the struggles are. My son is my world and it will always be a good day if I can see his face.

So really I have a pretty good life. It may not be where I had envisioned myself to be, but I'm happy where I am. This new life promises to be better than I could have imagined.

From pain and fear to love

This is so true, and I strive to be better at this every day.

What would the world be like if we all chose to live and love others like this?

Reminiscing and voodoo dolls

Did I get your attention at voodoo dolls? Well, my ankle is a little messed up and I don't know why. I'd call the dr but can't afford it. Anyway, I've been given a couple of possible explanations as to what could have happened. My explanation was that I made a mistake in my sleep. My favorite? Someone used a voodoo doll. ;~}

Who knows what the real answer is, maybe the doctors are right and I'm "at that age" (hush your mouth!). Anyway, it's just one more thing to add to the ever growing list of issues to accept and deal with.

But you know what? I'm ok with that. Today, I'm in a pretty good space. My son is doing well, some bumps along the road sure, but overall he is amazing. My MS is maddening for sure, depressing sometimes and overwhelming occasionally, but I'm very lucky that it really IS a quiet case. So for today, on this wet and dreary day, I'm feeling pretty good about things. Gimpiness and all, it's a good day.

When will I learn?

I mean really, will I ever learn? Is it a matter of learning? Cause let's be honest. I DO know, I just refuse to listen to my body.

I have over done it again. I knew I had, I even knew it while I was doing it, and even before I started. I did it anyway. As much as I've accepted I have MS, and understand the effects on my body (to the extent that I can, it changes all the time) I still don't listen. I still joke it away to friends and family, but you know what? It really really sucks. Mowing the lawn shouldn't flatten me for days. Going for a walk with my son and trying to be active shouldn't wear me out to the point of days of exhaustion and weakness. This weekend I did both in the same day. 45 minutes of walking through the Maine Audubon in Falmouth and then mowing the lawn after 2 hours of sitting in direct sunlight (another killer for me)

How am I supposed to balance what I need vs what needs to be done? I need exercise. My son needs to exercise. He will sit and be on the computer and wii if I let him. I need to push him to be active, I can't do that if I'm not out there being active with him.

The lawn needs to be mowed, I have. no one to mow it for me, and let's be honest, I wouldn't ask anyone to do it for me. It's my responsibility and no one else's.

My son needs to socialize, he doesn't do enough of it with kids his own age, so of course I have to take him to a birthday party he's invites to....even if that means its outside in the sun with no shade.

So yes, I resent my MS. I hate it. I hate that part of me that is weakened because of it. Because of my responsibilities to my son, my home, my family, friends and myself I don't usually listen to my body. I pay for it later in the day, and for a few days after. Of course, I can not indulge my body even when it is shutting down on me. There is always a bedtime to enjoy, work to get to, and many more expectations in the coming hours and days.

Lately I am so exhausted all the time, I have aches and pains and a crushing fatigue that plague me constantly. I have moments where as much as I will my body to move it won't. How can I stop though? Where's the give? When will my body finally give up the fight and say enough is enough? How long will it take to recover then?

This is my big fear, there are too many responsibilities all the time to stop and take a couple days of doing nothing and resting. And yet, I fear if I don't I'll be useless to Will and everyone else for much longer than that.

Now, there is also an interesting twist. I have recently started to have a love life and social life. This has also put more demands on my body, and like with my son. I enjoy these demands ;). So how do I juggle these demands on top of the demands of my responsibilities. And don't I have a responsibility to do for myself and have a life too?

This is what has been on my mind today while I work. Sitting on the couch, struggling to use my hand to write my daily notes. When will I learn?

Me and my MS

I try to be positive in everything I do, think and be. I know I have my moments, and honestly, this is one of them. So please forgive me for taking tonight to vent (again) I promise I will be positive again tomorrow.

I have MS. I was diagnosed 7 years ago and overall I think I have accepted it pretty well. Then there are days like today, I resent my MS! I hate that I am not able to do things I should be. I have days like today when I get so discouraged. I live every day with the silent symptoms. The tingling, the random joint pains, the pins and needles feelings, and the worst: FATIGUE. Of course, no one can see my symptoms, so I look fine. That's a good thing, but can also hurt me at times. Of course, I usually hurt myself.

I get so frustrated with my limitations that I push myself much further than my body can actually handle. Sometimes it's accidentally, I feel absolutely fine until I've gone too far and it hits me like a ton of bricks. Then there are days like yesterday when I do something I KNOW I shouldn't. I mowed the lawn at work. Now, that doesn't sound so bad right? For a normal person it's not. For me? I get sick, and have major fatigue for days. The day after (today) is always the worst. I can barely move my arms. My legs aren't quite as bad. I am having to really push myself to move at all, as soon as I sit it feels like I'm paralyzed (even though I know I'm not) but to get moving again is a Herculean effort.

It doesn't help that I also have a new symptom: tremors, yeah me! So my hands are shaking slightly and between that and the lack of strength writing this is an effort- auto correct is my friend tonight.

I will be fine in a few days, by the end of the week for sure. And my wonderful optimistic sense will be restored by tomorrow. Thank you for letting me rant about the stupidity of MS, but at times like these when I'm reminded of my imposed limitations that it gets a little overwhelming.

Life is great.....This is Gods way of telling me to take care of myself right?

My weekend

Will was invited to a birthday party yesterday. This is so very exciting because he isn't invited to parties. We have another party next week too! Yeah Will!

So, the party was at Yankee Lanes 2 hours of fun, bowling, yelling, pizza, cake and most of all fun with friends.

I was so proud of him. The entire party was loud, with flashing strobe lights. That's a lot of sensory input for anyone, let alone for these kiddos who have a harder time than most. While some of the kiddos were letting off a lot of steam and getting a little unruly (everyone did a great job overall though) Will was able to let loose and be a bit silly while staying in control.

Now, I have to say that he won the first game and was coming in second in the second game before time ran out. Way to go Will! He's so much better than I am at ten pin bowling.

Anyway, while he had fun and I thoroughly enjoyed watching him, it was also agony. All those lights, all that noise and me with a migraine. Ugh. Not what I would call a great pairing. We both made it through and Will was able to enjoy the rest of his day and maintain control. YEAH!!! (I must admit, I was really expecting a horrible evening, and even worse than usual with the migraine) he so surprised me and made me so proud.

I went to bed early- for obvious reasons- woke this morning with a down graded headache, although I still have a swollen lymph node on the back of my neck. So here I am, at work, loaded up on ibuprofen and making it through my Mothers Day with my client. I'm hoping Will has another great day today with his dad.

Back to autism

It's been a little while since I posted about my son and our life with autism, and the progress since Spring Harbor.

Overall I still am thrilled with the change I see in him. There are whole days that go by and I think.... Wow, us this the same child?

Then there are moments like the one I just experienced. It was time for a shower so I prompted Will off the computer to start the showering process. He first ignored me, then was frustrated telling me to stop trying to frustrate him and that he'd do it later, then he threw a full on melt down. Threw both sneakers AT me, and a pad of paper, then he even came after me and started hitting me with his fists.

I have to say I was very proud of myself in that I stayed present, calm, and followed the plan. This means: everything stops till he can re-group and begin his task of taking a shower. I also reminded him to remember his "safe hands and feet", "brain and body in the activity" and "kind and appropriate words".

Of course being in full blown melt down these meant nothing to him. So he proceeded to tell me how he felt like a baby who was being bullied, he was abused, and tortured. (little melodramatic?). I asked him how he could feel like a baby who was bullied when HE was the one doing the bullying? I mean I was sitting on the couch at that point, looking at a painting above the tv and not talking, while he was hitting me and screaming in my face. He did not want to hear this. Was I too harsh? Was I too blunt? I don't know, but he does NOT ever accept and/or see his responsibility in these situations. It is ALWAYS someone else's fault. I don't want him growing up like that. It's a recurring theme and it's an exhausting tightrope walk trying to teach him this concept. I can only pray one day it will come.

Anyway, whether I was too harsh or not, he had his emotional release, sobbing on the floor and even said he was sorry, "I just get too mad sometimes, I get too frustrated"

What a huge step!! Course this was after I told him I looked sad because he was sad AND because he hurt me. (he asked if I looked sad because he was sad) but at least he got it.....sort of.

There are days my heart swells with joy and pride for my beautiful wonderful son, and then I have moments like earlier when I am so emotionally drained from constantly dealing with "The Plan" and behaviors. But when I feel this way it is usually quickly followed by the the amazement of how far he has come. 6 months ago this would have been so much worse, and with his growing strength it was becoming quite a concern.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. SH was amazing and it was a jumping off point, not a cure. There is still a lot of work to do. So I'll breathe, and keep running the plan.

Relationships

Well, I am definitely trying to get back in "the game". I've met a really sweet, cute, funny guy. I like him a lot.

But a relationship? I'm just not ready. While I have spent the last two years working through the "effects of my marriage" and have come such a long way as far as a acceptance and forgiveness, I'm not ready to trust another man in that way. I can't let myself depend on one for anything.

Clearly I still have a ways to go. 😌

For right now I am interested in someone who can make me laugh, Someone to keep the loneliness at bay once in a while. I admit, I miss having someone to talk to, and be silly with.

Is there really anything wrong with a woman wanting these things? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy being by myself most of the time. I like knowing that I can take care of myself and don't need a man in my life.

But needing and wanting are two VERY different things. And sometimes I want someone. So, having someone to lighten the load once in a while and make me smile isn't a bad thing.

I still have too much work to do, to much trust to build before I can even think about a real relationship with a man. I'm more confident, but does that mean I trust myself to demand what I deserve? What about putting a stop to any negative treatment? Am I strong enough to walk away if necessary? I wish I could say YES and know I meant it. Honestly, I'm not sure. I'm stronger than I was, but am I there yet? Probably not. I think I'm close...

So for now, I am so happy to just have some fun. I think with everything in the past several years I deserve some fun. I deserve to be happy. (see how far I've already come?😉)

So let's be friends and be kind to each other, and above all, let's have fun!

When it rains

When it rains, sometimes it pours. If you don't know who and WHOSE YOU ARE, you will find yourself caught up in a storm. Always remember sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes He allows the storms to rage and calms HIS child.

We are called to HELP people, not judge them. Mercy is greater than judgement. James 2:13

This was the post I read on Facebook from an amazing, beautiful and grace-filled woman.

It really struck a cord with me. I mean deep down in my soul. How profound are these words?

I know I have struggled in the past and questioned my faith. Wondering where was GOD when the storms were raging all around me. And they have been raging.

Once I stopped putting up roadblocks in my relationship with GOD my whole perspective changed. Storms still raged around me, but I found a quiet place whenever it was really needed. I now recognize that this is where GOD has always been waiting for me. Ready to calm HIS child.

Now I am confident in myself and in my GOD. I am never truly alone. HE is with me ALWAYS.

I have found that the more I accept this and believe, the better my life is becoming. My attitude is different, my perspective, I feel "grace-filled".

I spent a long time thinking I needed to be so strong and do everything myself. I was even told many times that I can't count on anyone else to help me.

They were so WRONG! And I was too stubborn to see it. If I can count on no one else, I can ALWAYS count on GOD. HE is always with me.

As far as the verse goes, I think I've always done a good job trying to help others and to not judge others. I mean, who am I to judge you? I haven't lived your life, I haven't seen, felt, experienced what you have..... I don't have the right. I'm not perfect. I won't even pretend to be. Is it fair to judge me for my weight or my decisions when you don't live my life.

It's simple. Don't judge me please, because I wouldn't even think of judging you. That's not my job.

Have a wonderful night everyone.

Things are good

So, throughout all the drama in my life I have met a man. I've known him for almost 5 months, when I go into his place of business (almost every day now) we have been slowly getting to know each other and flirting.

I really assumed this was as far as it would go, hoping for more, but certainly not expecting it. Well, things got a little more exciting/involved this week. (ok, A LOT!). We've talked on the phone almost every night, we've gotten together 3 days this week to spend time together. While I won't go into a lot of details, I'm having a wonderful time. He takes my breath away, how did I (middle aged single mother of a special needs child, overweight, and average looking) get a really good looking and extremely kind, nice man interested in me?

This is not me putting myself down, honest PH it isn't. This is me being realistic. I know I'm a great person, I'm funny, talented, kind and loving. Anyone would be lucky to be with me. I get it, but I also can look in a mirror and objectively see a woman who is not all that attractive. That's ok, not everyone can be hot. Really. My astonishment is that he seemed to be interested in me before he got to know me. I don't get it. (mind you, I'm. OT complaining)

Now back to my week: how often do you find a man that in the first week you spend time together will offer and then give you a nice foot massage, offer a back massage and cook a really good dinner? Well, I can tell you, he is a first for me, and he still wants to see me! Wow

Remember my "day" on wednesday? I saw him that morning, well he didn't call me that night for whatever reason but when I saw him the next day the first thing out of his mouth was an apology for not calling me the night before and then asked me if I wanted/needed to vent. Again, I have to say it: Wow!

One of the great things about this is I'm going into it with no expectations. I've spent the time working on myself, I'm ready to get back out there, it's a bit exciting and a lot terrifying. What I do know is that I'm not looking for anything other than someone to spend time with and enjoy our time together. Whatever comes will come.

When I'm ready for a serious relationship, then that will be the time for that. Right now, I'm enjoying myself immensely, and love the feeling of no pressure. I'm letting myself enjoy the now, and the journey. It feels good to be this excited about something that is for myself and not for someone else. I don't do enough of that.

Hmmmm, I think it's time to do something about that...... ;~}

And then you regroup

So yesterday was a hard day. But I woke this morning, took a deep breath and was ready for a good day.

I Have learned just how important our thoughts really mold us and our lives. I know that we all have bad days, I had one yesterday. However, I also spent the day with the understanding that I would let myself have the day to live in the moment and feelings, but that tomorrow (today) was a new day and I would live it like a brand new day.

So today I took that deep breath and envisioned a better day, and you know what? It was a better day in so many ways. That's not to say I didn't have stress- I did. I went to the dentist (I am terribly, irrationally terrified of the dentist) to get a cavity taken care of. I dealt with staff demanding I find coverage for them at the last minute. My manager not supporting me and helping. Yes, I had stress. But it was my attitude and my thoughts that shaped my day.

We all have choices, we all have the responsibility for how we live our lives. We are all entitled to a bad day, but it is our choices that shape our lives. Do we want a life full of bad days? Or good days? Personally I choose good.

With my decision made to have a good day firmly in my mind all the stressful bits were handled more easily, and there were so many more good parts, and they felt so much better. I was able to celebrate them instead of minimizing them. Will had a perfect day- the first one this week! Yeah! I also got to see the guy I like, he was having "a day". Not quite as upsetting as mine yesterday, but still frustrating. I was able to give him some time to vent, and I was told that his day got better just for seeing me. Now tell me that wouldn't make your day? I also went to a meeting about a client and got to tell and hear from others about the incredible growth he has shown in the last 6 months. These are all awesome things!

If I had not chosen to have a good day would these things still have happened? Very possibly, but would I have recognized them for the wonderful events that they were? Most likely NOT.

I've always heard that like attracts like. That what you put out into the world is what you get back. This has never been more clear to me than today.

I am a work in progress, God is good. Be careful of your thoughts, they hold more power than you can ever imagine. God bless

A down kind of day

It's been one of those days where everything kind of hits you at once. My ex's grandmother recently passed away, then because my ex "forgot" to tell me or warn Will that the visiting hours was an open casket viewing my son Will is now traumatized (have I mentioned he's only 9?) and has been acting out all week. Two of my closest friends are struggling, one lost her father and the other got devastating news about his own health. My ex is kind of being a jerk in some aspects of our interactions. I'm trying to cut him some slack since he's dealing with the death of his grandmother, but it still doesn't feel good.

Having my personality is very difficult when people I care about are in pain, scared etc. I want to fix it and help them feel better. Especially when it comes to my son. He's been having incontinence problems either real or behavioral- haven't figured that one out yet. He had another accident at school today, I brought a change of clothes for him and as soon as I opened the door at school I could hear him screaming and crying. My heart was broken. Emotionally I want desperately to fix everything for him. Why can't I do this? I'm his MOTHER! It's my job!

I know, I know, it's irrational. But the heart wants what the heart wants. Intellectually I know it's unreasonable and I'm sure I'll feel better by tomorrow, but today I want a hug.

So, for today I will accept these feelings and sit with them, I will take a few deep breaths, a little meditation, and then I will release my unreasonable super hero expectations of myself and move forward on my path tomorrow. A little wiser, and a little more centered, and I hope a LoT more patient with myself. All I can be is me, and quite frankly, that's enough.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I have a wonderful life. God bless, and remember to breathe.