Depression

I have struggled with depression for many years.  I was so happy when I was finally in therapy with an amazing counselor.  I was doing so well that I could go off my depression medication.  To finally be free, I hate taking medications, felt like I had finally conquered one of my demons.  This was also 3 weeks after I had had my lap-band surgery.  My life was on track. 
Three weeks later my husband and I sat down to talk.  We had been fighting, I can't speak for him, but for myself I was upset about his friendship with a younger woman.  So we talked.  I started by telling him I was concerned, he was taking this woman out every week for dinner ( he paid) with our son.  He took pictures and put them on the computer if her putting my son to bed.  She was doing her laundry at my house, hanging out at my house.  All of this was while I was at work.  I told him for our marriage (which had been very rocky for several years on and off) to work I needed him to back off his friendship with this other woman and go to marriage counseling with me.  His response was :"I want a divorce."
I know we had not been happy for a while, ( long while) but I was devastated.  He had told me all along while I voiced concerns over the previous months that I was crazy, he loved me, he married me, he wanted to make our marriage to work. To have it all fall apart in an instant was stunning.  He also maintained that he was only ever friends with this other woman (24 yrs old) but the next week he came clean and said that they were going to try to make their relationship work.  Wow, can we say sucker-punch?
A week after he ended our marriage ( but didn't move out for 5 months) my 7 year old son climbed into bed with me and told me "I'm mad at you."  Then proceeded to tell me that he was a girl and I wouldn't let him grow out his hair out or wear girls clothes.  Really?
I tell you this not to rehash but to share that through all this I didn't go back on depression medications!!  I was so proud of myself.  I continued with counseling and started the process of dealing with and moving forward with this new life I was given.  I was free of medications, I was a strong empowered woman.  I was a fool.
My therapist moved out of state, I couldn't afford to find a new one and was scared that I wouldn't find such a good match again.  On top of that I felt like I was abandoned by some of my good friends.  All of  "our friends" were first my husbands who I made an effort to get to know and befriend.  He always refused to put in the effort with my friends. 
My weight loss journey had been going so well up till this point.  I had lost 40 pounds.  But living with my husband who wasn't really my husband anymore, watching him get all dressed up and going out on dates with other women on the nights I didn't work or having him act like we were still married became too much.  I have since gained most of the weight back.  I have been eating my feelings.  I'm not proud of this.  I'm trying to get back on track.  I have also had some health issues during this time making working out almost impossible.
HE did move out eventually, but he is still at my house 5 days a week, using my electricity, heat, water etc.  He doesn't take our son to his house very often, or out at all, all in the name of it makes our son happier to be at the house.  More likely it's so husband can watch tv, ( records all his shows on my dvr box so he doesn't have to pay for one himself, saying he lets his dad use the tv at his place <lives with his daddy now>) and use my computer ( uses someones wifi at his place so he doesn't have to pay for internet).
Let's also be clear- it's been almost 2 years since he asked for a divorce but has not filed for one.  I realize that I will have to be the one to file, but I've been so busy dealing with everything that comes with a son with developmental disabilities.  Plus emotionally and mentally I'm not up for it right now.  He did pick up the papers last December and left them on the counter expecting me to fill out the paperwork for him.  When he asked me a week later why I hadn't done this I told him it was his job.  I'm not his mother, he can fill it out.  Yeah for me, I didn't "take care of him" like I used to throughout our marriage.  This is good right?
Sorry for all the ramblings down memory lane.  We'll skip the rest, at least for now.
Here's where I am now:  frustrated and resentful more than I can say.  Having gained most of my weight back, with no motivation to lose it again.  Will power has deserted me.  Curse you!!!!  And very depressed.  I have been in denial about my state of mind for a long time now.  I have eaten my feelings to numb myself and have that instant (short-lived) "good feeling".  I have also turned to crafts.  I have recently been told that crafts/art are my crack .  Well, If I'm going to be addicted to something, it's better than drugs or alcohol right?
An Art-filled life  is my blog about putting the art back into my life.
I didn't realize how depressed I was until my brother got married.  It was such a beautiful wedding, but I felt disassociated from it all. I didn't feel like I belonged, in the way, and useless.  That's not how it was only how I felt.  I also saw some pictures on facebook from the wedding a few days later and was so excited I copied them to my phone and re-posted them on my page.  I was not at my computer so I was unable to "share" them.  I re-tagged them with my brother and sister-in-laws names on them not even thinking about it.  Well, my brother sent me a very nice e-mail saying he was a little concerned about me tagging their photographers pictures as my own.  It was a mistake right?  No big deal.  I took the pictures down immediately and sent off an e-mail apologizing and explaining that I was also told that I was told during the reception that she was not the paid photographer.  ( I didn't realize there was 2 paid photographers)  OK, so I fixed the problem and apologized.  Then why did I feel like I was the worst person/sister in the world?  Why did I feel like I was also the stupidest person in the world.  Silly right?  That was the moment I realized I need help.  That was a week ago.  I'm trying to do the work on my own.  I'm overwhelmed, I'm tired and trying to stay positive.  This is my journey.........