Let me help with that

Do you have someone in your life who likes to help sometimes? And every time they "help" it makes more work for you? It would have been better if they kept their help for themselves right?

My soon-to-be-ex is like that. Sometimes he's a lot of things, helpful NOT being one of them. Sometimes he just wants to help, well at least that's what HE says. Personally I think the jury's still out on whether or not he really is trying to help or not.

Anyway, every time he decides to help its a disaster for me. I end up undoing and redoing or just plain doing more to fix what got screwed up. If you don't know me, I like to do things 1. The first time around, 2. As quickly and easily as possible. Nothing frustrates me more than having to go behind someone else because of incompetence, laziness, or just plain doing a half-assed job. (please excuse the language). Needless to say I get frustrated a lot with the soon-to-be-ex.

I would much rather do it myself in the first place, save half the energy, the frustration and the time. I have repeatedly asked him not to help. I have thanked him for wanting to help, but explained as nicely as I could that it's easier on me in many ways to just do it myself.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, I came home the other night to find twigs littering my lawn. When asked why they were there my s-t-b-ex stated that a large limb fell from one of the trees in the yard and he broke it up for me. Does he not realize that now instead of moving a limb, or a couple of manageable sized pieces of a limb to the brush pile is infinitely easier than picking up hundreds of little pieces of twigs of varying sizes and making several trips? And then having to take up the REALLY small pieces? Does he remember that most yard work is hard for me, especially in all the heat we've been having- due to it being the middle of summer- and all the stress I've been under which causes my MS to flair up!

This is just the last in a long line of "helpful acts" which cause me more work, stress, frustration, fatigue, and yes anger.

It's easier to not get upset when my son is the one "helping" because with his autism it's a miracle he wants to help in the first place and I want to encourage that behavior. But my s-t-b-ex? He's 41 now, I can't think of an excuse that would work for him. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate any person wanting to help, and let's face it, I'm not good at accepting help but appreciating the thought and appreciating the extra everything it puts on me are 2 VERY different things.

So, thank you for WANTING to help, and thank you for helping (if you do it so I'm actually helped), but PLEASE don't help if it makes it harder for me. That's not helping. Not in the least.

Back to autism

It's been a little while since I posted about my son and our life with autism, and the progress since Spring Harbor.

Overall I still am thrilled with the change I see in him. There are whole days that go by and I think.... Wow, us this the same child?

Then there are moments like the one I just experienced. It was time for a shower so I prompted Will off the computer to start the showering process. He first ignored me, then was frustrated telling me to stop trying to frustrate him and that he'd do it later, then he threw a full on melt down. Threw both sneakers AT me, and a pad of paper, then he even came after me and started hitting me with his fists.

I have to say I was very proud of myself in that I stayed present, calm, and followed the plan. This means: everything stops till he can re-group and begin his task of taking a shower. I also reminded him to remember his "safe hands and feet", "brain and body in the activity" and "kind and appropriate words".

Of course being in full blown melt down these meant nothing to him. So he proceeded to tell me how he felt like a baby who was being bullied, he was abused, and tortured. (little melodramatic?). I asked him how he could feel like a baby who was bullied when HE was the one doing the bullying? I mean I was sitting on the couch at that point, looking at a painting above the tv and not talking, while he was hitting me and screaming in my face. He did not want to hear this. Was I too harsh? Was I too blunt? I don't know, but he does NOT ever accept and/or see his responsibility in these situations. It is ALWAYS someone else's fault. I don't want him growing up like that. It's a recurring theme and it's an exhausting tightrope walk trying to teach him this concept. I can only pray one day it will come.

Anyway, whether I was too harsh or not, he had his emotional release, sobbing on the floor and even said he was sorry, "I just get too mad sometimes, I get too frustrated"

What a huge step!! Course this was after I told him I looked sad because he was sad AND because he hurt me. (he asked if I looked sad because he was sad) but at least he got it.....sort of.

There are days my heart swells with joy and pride for my beautiful wonderful son, and then I have moments like earlier when I am so emotionally drained from constantly dealing with "The Plan" and behaviors. But when I feel this way it is usually quickly followed by the the amazement of how far he has come. 6 months ago this would have been so much worse, and with his growing strength it was becoming quite a concern.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. SH was amazing and it was a jumping off point, not a cure. There is still a lot of work to do. So I'll breathe, and keep running the plan.