Anxiety part three

So I went to the drs today. They did an EKG. Then I talked to the dr. The good news: my heart is fine. Strong regular heart beat, not enlarged, no sign of any distress. The bad news: surprise! It's stress and depression. I am being put back on depression meds, was told to go for walks, talk to a good friend, cry, reduce the stress in my life.
Here's my problem with that: there's nothing I can really do to reduce the stress in my life, it is all out of my hands. (I am trying to work on how I deal with that stress, really I am). Going for a walk is hard but not impossible. I'm so tired all the time I just have to break this cycle and get out there and do it. Talking to a friend, well, I only have one friend that I talk to regularly, she has so much on her plate, and let's get real here- who wants to hear someone constantly talking about all the problems? I know she would get sick of me real soon if I complained any more. (I'm trying to be more positive in my thoughts and words and deeds). The last thing is crying- he thinks I should cry a lot. I hate to cry, I am so programed now that I am fighting to stop the tears as soon as they start (which is all the time now), I also can't stand being all stuffy during and after as well as my eyes hurt for hours after 2 min of crying, if I really let go they would never feel ok again!
So, this journey has thrown a few more curves into it, but who wants to walk down a straight road anyway right? Right? I know I'll be fine and will come out as a stronger, more empowered, more compassionate woman. Now if I could only learn acceptance, every time I think I've accepted and let go of my "stuff" it rises up to bite me once again. When will I learn the lessons I'm being taught?

Anxiety part two

So, I finally called my doctors office today.  I figured it was time, I had a friend and our case manager (also a friend) tell me I should.  Also at a school meeting about my son's struggles I walked all over the school with no trouble, but when I went home I walked from the living room to the kitchen (not that far, maybe 30 steps if that) I was out of breath and my heart was racing.  Well, probably not, but it felt that way.  I give up.  Time to make the call.  As it turns out, they want to see me.  Go figure.
They asked me to come in this afternoon.  I explained that I was on my way to work.  I was single staffed, and working with adults with disabilities.  There was no way I could get there.  They kept stressing that I needed to take care of myself.  Isn't that what I was doing by calling?  So now I have an appointment tomorrow with a doctor.  They want to run some tests including an EKG and labs.  Of what joy, what rapture!  I don't want to go!!!  I want to bury my head in the sand and ignore, ignore, ignore.  But I'm an adult, I need to take care of myself, even though I'm terrible at it- see: not losing weight, depression untreated, etc. etc...  I need to be here for my son.  I know his dad loves him, but I really don't trust that if I was not around he would do everything necessary to give our son what he needs and deserves.
So, tomorrow morning I will get my son ready for school, on the bus, then put on my BIG GIRL PANTIES and go to the doctors office to be poked and prodded.  Maybe I can get some good material for my other blog   http://emilysperspective.blogspot.com/ .  This is what my life has been reduced to, looking for the weird and strange things that happen to me (or at least my weird and strange way of looking at things) to be fodder for others entertainment.  (ok, it entertains me too....)
Wish me luck......

Anxiety

So I've been feeling like my heart is going to jump out of my chest, I feel all jittery without any energy (no fair) and all panicky, like I feel when I know I've screwed up and I'm about to have a confrontation about it.  I called a friend since I can't afford a Dr without a real reason ( and then not even then really these days).  She told me not to worry, it's probably just a panic attack.  Great, this has lasted all week.  Seriously it was just over a week when this started.  I've tried to slow my heart but guess what?  I just took my pulse tonight (apical, with a stethoscope to make sure it was accurate) it was only 74.  There's no way my heart is racing, so why does it feel like it is?  Like the other shoe is about to drop and it will be bad, really bad?  I don't know.  But maybe it has something to do with the creditors calling several times a day, my husband not being my ex yet and even though he doesn't live here he treats the house like he still does?  [I mean this morning he got here 25 minutes early.  I was eating breakfast and as soon as I heard him walk in, I had a hard time eating.  The stoma from the lap-band is small, and it gets smaller when I'm under a lot of stress.  No wonder food has been difficult for me.  Unfortunately, ice cream still goes down easy. ]  Or could it have anything to do with the fact that my son tells me on an almost daily basis that he's sad, depressed, or feels like he wants to die?  I don't know, maybe it's just stress over my Halloween costume I can't afford to buy now.......
I need to meditate, I know I do, I need to de-stress, I need to clear myself.  I can't seem to get myself to focus enough to let it all go enough to do this though.  I can still smile, that's something right?  Most days I can count my blessing, at least some of them. 1. I have a roof over my head. 2. I have a family that loves me.  3. I have my son.  4. I have a job I like mostly.  I know there are more, I'm just to tired and panicky to think of them right now.  IF I can do that, things can't be too bad right?  It will get better.  IT WILL.

I mean hey, I found 2 heart rocks today on my walk.  That has to be a sign that things will be fine.

right?