A true inspiration

As I have stated I am spending my weekend in the greatest place on earth (at least for me and any others who have spent their summers at the Grove). I spent my last post talking about the Grove, what it means to me and also part of the reason I am here this weekend.

I would like to take this opportunity to talk about the other reason I am here THIS weekend. I will be the first to admit that I don't attend church regularly (much). I can't attend Sunday services because I work all day every Sunday. But let's face it, that's an excuse. I wasn't attending even when I worked Saturdays instead of Sunday's. Then the excuse was my son. I I'm going to be honest- I'm full of excuses when it comes to organized religion, but more on that later.

There are very few ministers/reverends/pastors I enjoy listening to, ad most if not all array the Grove. My favorite is the Reverend Walter Webb (goes by Wally). I asked him to officiate my marriage, baptize my son, and always go to him when I have a problem I need to talk out. He is ALWAYS ready with a friendly ear, shoulder to cry on, and always with a BAD joke. In fact whenever he tells me. a bad joke he asks if it should go in "The Joke Jar". I once asked him about the jar and he said that when he dies he wants everyone who attends his funeral to pull a joke out of the jar and read it aloud so we can feel him close. I like this idea and may do something similar (if not steal his idea outright- see, I know Wally would be flattered and not offended).

Anyway, about 6 months ago Wally was in a terrible car accident which has left him if not permanently, then at least for a very long time unable to walk, and very limited control/movement of his arms. This man who has done so much for the Grove, ad his community now has to rely almost completely on everyone else now. I might also mention here that last summer he and his wife lost their only child.

I share all this because I get in here and "vent" about the struggles in my life- and while I'm doing that, this amazing man is so very positive, he is still listening to others with their small complaints, still quick to offer a shoulder, still smiling and telling his bad jokes.

Six months after his terrible, life changing accident he was back in the front of his church for the very first time, and I was there to see a d hear him. It was so very moving.

We read the 23 psalm together, as a reading and again during his sermon. He pointed out that wen we are in a good place we often don't have much use for God and he is a HE. But, when things are bad, he becomes a Thou. Then he becomes important. How interesting to see it so plainly written in the bible if we only take the time to really read the words. Reminds me of a song "Laughing With" by Regina Spector.

Wally reminds us to not forget God wen things are good, and when they are bad- know that God is close then too.

We are spending another night in this sacred place to drink up the tranquility and full my soul with peace before reentering the world, but also because Wally is preaching at Vespers tonight too. What a first day back- 2 services in one day. I am do blessed to have this positive man in my life. He reminds me to look to the positive, stay focused in the good, and always- remember God is always close.

I know I'm a work in progress, but I need to spend more time at the Grove, I forget my lessons too quickly in the outside world, and miss out in too many bad jokes. Have a blessed day.

Empire Grove

So, here I am rocking in my chair in my camp (Comfort Cottage) at Empire Grove. Being here is like coming home. God has wrapped me up in his loving arms and said "welcome back, I've missed you."

This has always been a special place for me. I have been coming here every year for 33 years. I come for every camp meeting, and whenever I can get here besides. I'll admit I haven't been here as much in the past few years outside of camp meeting, but this summer I am trying to change that.

The closer I get to the Grove, the more aware I become of the tension I have been carrying. The sorrow, anger, resentments, worries all become clearer. Not worse, not more intense, just clearer as to how much I've been carrying them and for how long. However, as soon as I see that sign coming up on my left, I turn off the music and roll down my windows (it helps when it is a nice day) and take my first deep breath of heaven. And you know what? My mind automatically quiets, my spirit is soothed and lifted. This is the only place on earth for me, it is surely magical here. My second family awaits me, to hold me in their arms, listen, laugh, cry and pray for me. Or just sit quietly out on a porch and swat mosquitos while watching the world go slowly by.

Time does not seem to move in the same way here at the Grove. It simultaneously moves slower and faster than the outside world. I have stepped back in time. I do not have access to tv shows, (I do have a tv/DVD player for movies) I do not have running water (used to have seasonal water but the pump died so we go without) or a bathroom (does a chemical toilet really count?) but have to walk to the bathrooms when in need of a toilet and/or shower. There is a washing machine but only a community line to dry from. Our children really do become "our children" here. We look out for and take care of everyone. This is a closed little community and as such, Will has the freedom to come and go as he pleases (as long as he lets me know where he's going- generally speaking) it also means that I can come and go as I please to an extent as well. Ahhh, the freedom that presents. As he has grown that freedom is expanding. The last 3 years have been hard here with Will because he was struggling, however this year he is much more apt to want to be outside and playing with his friend and being separated from me for periods of time so that I can visit with these wonderful people I call my family through God. It feels pretty miraculous this year to be here. And much more the sanctuary it has always been for me.

Part of me wishes I could afford to move here and always live in this blessed space. I truly feel that one day I will do just that, but for now I believe it is best served as the sanctuary and balm to my bruised and weary soul that it is. I will be spending as much of my summer here as is possible this year and call myself unusually blessed to have found such a place in earth that speaks to me so clearly and strongly. I truly feel closer to my God here and thank him for giving me this place to heal, replenish and pray.

What's in my mind

So, had mediation yesterday. It went fairly well. We haven't been able to finalize the divorce because we have a couple issues to agree on: who claims our son on their taxes. He lives with me- I feel I should get to. He thinks because he pays child support he should. He is willing to do every other year, I'm not sure yet if I am.
The other issue is his retirement fund. Originally he decided that since I never put money into it it wasn't marital property. It was explained to him that it is. He was then willing to split it up until feb 10th 2010 the day he said he wanted a divorce. My lawyer explained that the judge will almost ALWAYS split it up to the day the divorce is final. I asked him if he would consider up to July 1st (the day he moved out) he said NO. So, I said I would consider that. Otherwise we were able to agree to terms on everything else. Sigh, and so it continues......

Now on to other things.... Will has been struggling the last 2 nights at shower/bath time. He ignores my prompts to take a shower several times until I become frustrated and then he screams at me that I'm treating him like crap (his word, not mine) and being a horrible parent. Tonight it didn't end as quickly- throughout the bath he kept up trying to get me to fight. Did I take the bait? A few times. I'm not proud of it, but I'm human and the last 3 weeks have been particularly rough on me. So yeah, I took the bait. He repeatedly told me he was going to leave in the morning to walk the streets looking for another family to adopt him. Also saying that he was not the right kid for me. Now, I was irritated enough to find this making me frustrated, furious, tired and irritable. However, there was enough rational thinking to find this also amusing at the same time. It finally ended up in his bedroom, having lost his computer privileges for tomorrow and almost losing the use of my old iPhone.

He apologized, said he DID love me, but thought that he still wasn't the right kid for me, and that he really did just want to die. Well, I'm exhausted enough that I broke down crying right there in front of him. He became very upset I was hurt and tried to reassure me that it was ok for him to feel that way, it didn't mean he would actually die. Then told me he would do anything for me I needed, while rubbing my arm trying to comfort me (sweet really, and shows the tremendous growth he has had) so I told him I needed him to want to live. He gave me a kiss and laid down to sleep telling me he loved me one more time.

No parent EVER wants to hear things like this from their child. To want to die at that age, strikes terror in my heart. I would do anything for this amazing little boy, but I don't know how to ix this and make it better for him. So once again, I am going to do my best to Let go and Let GOD. Feel free to pray for him (and me) as we can use everything we can get right now.

Up and down

Overall things have been good lately. However, I'm feeling very unsettled. I don't know why, it's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop you know?

Will has been doing fairly well, been using a lot of profanity lately. (He's heard it all before but after an overnight with his Papa who was frustrated and swearing a LOT- can we say F-bomb anyone? He's been using said word every chance he gets when angry- even at school) He's also been getting very angry when his father and I won't buy him anything while at stores. There's been a general low level of frustration, however, overall he has done an amazing job handling himself and managing his frustrations.

Soon-to-be-ex is being himself- great in some aspects and irritating in other aspects. He still acts like he still lives at my house when there, shows up early to "hang out" on his own, still leaves his stuff in the basement and garage. Does his laundry every week at my house, records his tv shows on my DVR do he doesn't have to pay for one. Uses my Internet so he doesn't have to pay for his own etc, etc, etc. he agreed to watch Will yesterday but then let his dad watch him instead so he could stay with his girlfriend, but when he takes a trip I have to take vacation time from work or bring Will to work with me without being asked. It's just an expectation he has. Ok, so I went off on a tangent... Can you blame me for needing to vent from time to time? Like how he promised to help with the lawn (dr says I shouldn't do it) and he hasn't helped in 2 years. The only help he offers on that front is when he tells me how to do it. Again, off topic.... Sorry

My parents are my parents. They never change, I worry about them constantly, I won't get into all the issues out of respect for their privacy, but I worry a lot.

Then there's my health, as you know there have been a lot of MS symptoms lately which have been frustrating but tolerable. I've been keeping kind of quiet the last couple of days and things are feeling better.

So, I find myself having moments where I feel great, and moments where I'm unsettled. When I saw my dr the other day he was pleased at how I seem to be doing and took me off my depression and anxiety meds. Could that be the problem? Am I having anxiety over trying to maintain my happy place without medicinal help? Hard to believe but could be possible I guess. I hate taking and being dependent on medication, but on the other hand I've been doing very well (despite the frustrations and set backs)

I guess I can only go forward and hope, and pray that I continue to work on myself and move forward. If I have set backs I need to learn to ask for help, and there's no shame in going back on medications if I need to.

Let go and let God!

Me and my MS

I try to be positive in everything I do, think and be. I know I have my moments, and honestly, this is one of them. So please forgive me for taking tonight to vent (again) I promise I will be positive again tomorrow.

I have MS. I was diagnosed 7 years ago and overall I think I have accepted it pretty well. Then there are days like today, I resent my MS! I hate that I am not able to do things I should be. I have days like today when I get so discouraged. I live every day with the silent symptoms. The tingling, the random joint pains, the pins and needles feelings, and the worst: FATIGUE. Of course, no one can see my symptoms, so I look fine. That's a good thing, but can also hurt me at times. Of course, I usually hurt myself.

I get so frustrated with my limitations that I push myself much further than my body can actually handle. Sometimes it's accidentally, I feel absolutely fine until I've gone too far and it hits me like a ton of bricks. Then there are days like yesterday when I do something I KNOW I shouldn't. I mowed the lawn at work. Now, that doesn't sound so bad right? For a normal person it's not. For me? I get sick, and have major fatigue for days. The day after (today) is always the worst. I can barely move my arms. My legs aren't quite as bad. I am having to really push myself to move at all, as soon as I sit it feels like I'm paralyzed (even though I know I'm not) but to get moving again is a Herculean effort.

It doesn't help that I also have a new symptom: tremors, yeah me! So my hands are shaking slightly and between that and the lack of strength writing this is an effort- auto correct is my friend tonight.

I will be fine in a few days, by the end of the week for sure. And my wonderful optimistic sense will be restored by tomorrow. Thank you for letting me rant about the stupidity of MS, but at times like these when I'm reminded of my imposed limitations that it gets a little overwhelming.

Life is great.....This is Gods way of telling me to take care of myself right?

When it rains

When it rains, sometimes it pours. If you don't know who and WHOSE YOU ARE, you will find yourself caught up in a storm. Always remember sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes He allows the storms to rage and calms HIS child.

We are called to HELP people, not judge them. Mercy is greater than judgement. James 2:13

This was the post I read on Facebook from an amazing, beautiful and grace-filled woman.

It really struck a cord with me. I mean deep down in my soul. How profound are these words?

I know I have struggled in the past and questioned my faith. Wondering where was GOD when the storms were raging all around me. And they have been raging.

Once I stopped putting up roadblocks in my relationship with GOD my whole perspective changed. Storms still raged around me, but I found a quiet place whenever it was really needed. I now recognize that this is where GOD has always been waiting for me. Ready to calm HIS child.

Now I am confident in myself and in my GOD. I am never truly alone. HE is with me ALWAYS.

I have found that the more I accept this and believe, the better my life is becoming. My attitude is different, my perspective, I feel "grace-filled".

I spent a long time thinking I needed to be so strong and do everything myself. I was even told many times that I can't count on anyone else to help me.

They were so WRONG! And I was too stubborn to see it. If I can count on no one else, I can ALWAYS count on GOD. HE is always with me.

As far as the verse goes, I think I've always done a good job trying to help others and to not judge others. I mean, who am I to judge you? I haven't lived your life, I haven't seen, felt, experienced what you have..... I don't have the right. I'm not perfect. I won't even pretend to be. Is it fair to judge me for my weight or my decisions when you don't live my life.

It's simple. Don't judge me please, because I wouldn't even think of judging you. That's not my job.

Have a wonderful night everyone.

Lonely

Have you ever felt so lonely it's crushingly overwhelming? That's how I feel today.

I know I have family and friends, I'm not REALY alone. I can call and talk or visit with friends. That's not what I mean though.

I want that special someone to snuggle with, to share EVERYTHING (well, maybe not everything) with. The person whose shoulder is always there to cry on, and who will lend a sympathetic ear. The person who will rejoice in the wonderful moments with me, and hold me during the painful moments.

Now don't get me wrong. I have learned in the last 2 years that I can live on my own, I even enjoy it most of the time. I am so proud of myself for being self-sufficient. I'm not asking for another husband, not what I'm looking for right now. Who knows if I ever will?

Why is this coming up now? Well, honestly it creeps in every once in a while. But today it's because my ex's grandmother passed away and the viewing/visiting hours were today. She was a great woman and I loved her, she had been my family for more than a decade. I took the afternoon off from work to pay my respects, lend my support to my ex, ad especially my son. Knowing Will there was only so much he could handle. I didn't want the ex to have to worry about that today, and I didn't want Will forced to stay and endure what he couldn't tolerate.

I'm so glad I was able to do it, but it made me sad. I had no one to console me. I'm trying to be there for them, but there's no one special to be there for me. My ex has an ex-girlfriend and a girlfriend to take the place I used to hold in his life to console and take care of him. That's OK, I'm not saying I want or need to be that for him. I just realized he has that special someone, and that's great for him, but
I guess I'm feeling a little jealous of him. I know I shouldn't, but I'm having a moment of wanting something I don't have and won't have for the foreseeable future. I'm reminding myself that I am EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be. God has a plan for me and I WILL trust in HIM. Doesn't mean I have to like it all the time.

I really do enjoy my life and like where I am and where I'm going. But as the theme of my life goes: "I'm a work in progress" so I just keep accepting, loving, changing, and growing. Life will continue on, I'll trust in God, and follow this crazy path that I'm on living in the moment.

Good thing all my moments don't feel like this one. Namaste

Forward two steps backwards one

Well, from my last post, you can tell we had a wonderful weekend, a few glitches along the way, but Will held it together very well for such a busy and overwhelming weekend. Today, he did well in the morning, had a play date with the neighbor kids. After lunch it got a little more tense. When I asked him to get his deodorant, that was our undoing.

I say our, because we both struggled. Shocked to hear me talk about my short comings? You shouldn't be, I am certainly not perfect, and I'm not afraid to admit it. I did NOT run his plan when he started struggling. He hit, I swatted his hands away, I yelled, I even swore. I'm not proud, but there it is.

We got to a point where he wouldn't stop coming after me, I sent him upstairs, he threw toys down the stairs. I went after him.....as I was lunging for him I realized I felt out of control. I wanted to hit him, like he had been hitting me. It was then that I regained control of myself with Gods help. I grabbed Will, hugged him to me tight as he fought me and started kissing him, all over his face. When he realized what I was doing he had his emotional release and just started crying.

We talked a little when he calmed down, but he's a clever boy, and likes to twist everything so it's not his fault. I was told he was hitting me out of self defense. Really? He was defending himself from deodorant? Anyway, without getting into specifics (as it would take WAY too long) we talked, we were both exhausted and he fell asleep for almost 2 hours. I woke him when his grampy came for a visit, and I'm hoping he sleeps tonight!!

Why am I sharing all this? Because I can, because other parents NEED to hear that we screw up. We make mistakes. I totally didn't run Wills plan today, for a little while, but I was able to regroup and get back on track- pretty quickly in the grand scheme of things.

Will, will be ok. He'll get through this, just as I will. Just as everyone will. We are not perfect, and that's ok. We don't need to be. We just need to be the best we can be, when we make a mistake (and we will) we need to move on and not get stuck in the blame game. It gets you NO WHERE!!

We are where we are supposed to be. There is always room to grow and be better. Give yourself a break, move on and keep striving to be better.

I am finally in a place where I accept that I'm not a perfect person, mother, daughter, sister, friend. This is ok. I'm happy with who I am. I am the best I can be, I make mistakes, I stumble, I pick myself up, grow and learn so I will be better tomorrow than I am today.

I took today's experience to show Will how we need to accept responsibility for our actions, apologize, then learn from them.

Who says parents can't admit when we are wrong? Why do I keep hearing that it's not ok to apologize to our children? I apologized for yelling, putting my hands on him in anger, and using "adult language". I feel this teaches our children that NO ONE is perfect, and no one is expected to be. But we are expected to take responsibility for our actions, and that no matter WHO we are, we are NEVER too good to apologize for bad behavior.

So yes, it may not be the most acceptable thing for a parent to do, but I do apologize to my son when it's appropriate. (and I won't apologize for it either)

New perceptions

I have realized lately how negative I used to be.   Nothing ever went right for me. I had a bad marriage, I wasn't happy at work, I didn't see my friends (my husband made me feel horrible if I wanted to go out with friends-to the point that it was easier to just not go.)

See how easy it is to get trapped in these thoughts? I also was very lost in my faith. I stopped talking to GOD. I didn't stop believing exactly, I just lost my way, spent way too much time questioning rather than believing. I had turned my back on my GOD. It was a very lonely time in my life.

I knew that I had some accountability in the way my life was turning out, but everyone else got most of the blame. I mean, couldn't be me, right?

Then I had an epiphany, I decided to be positive, and I definitely became much more positive, but I still had a LONG LONG way to go. I just didn't realize it (yet).

Well, my husband left me for a 24 year old, my son fell apart and went into crisis, my mom kept getting sick, my dad was drinking heavily again, and what did I do? I held on to the anger, the hurt, and the pain.  I wrapped myself right up tight and didn't let go for anything.  I even nurtured those feelings.  I wasn't going to let go- no way, no how!  I had friends that encouraged me in their own way to keep holding onto those feelings.  I also had friends telling me to "Let go, and let GOD"  Well, how was I supposed to do that?  I was questioning my faith more than EVER.

Well, life continued on, as it usually will.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was changing my thought processes.  I was slowly pulling away from the friends who were subtly keeping me "stuck" and finding more people coming into my life who were GOD-like.  Who openly professed their love and faith in GOD, and whose messages made sense to me for the first time in so very long.  Whose messages made me feel better about myself and changed the way I think and feel.

In an earlier post I wrote about my changes in feelings towards my husband and our divorce. It's all true, it really is.  I have been awakened to the fact that even when I thought I was a much more positive person, I still had so very far to go.  This does not mean, that I am done on my journey to self discovery and the re-awakening of my faith in GOD.  Far from it.  I feel like I have just started this journey, but I am so filled with hope, happiness and peace that I am on this path and will follow it all my life.  I will strive to constantly grow in faith, love, optimism, and joy and hope that any who are interested will join me.  If not, I will still love you, but it will be from further and further away as I continue to grow.  I will not and can not let anyone stop me from my life.

This also does not mean that there won't be more posts where I need to vent, I mean hey, I'm only human and venting really helps me process my feelings and thoughts.  I hope you will understand.

I had to add this picture, owls remind me of my grandmother, one of the best women I've ever had the honor of knowing.  Her faith, love and joy were endless.

How can you not have faith in GOD, when HE gives us such beauty?

This is so true for everyone.  I am trying to live by this every day.

Again, from earlier posts, you might have heard that I've been sick for the last 2 weeks, and that I might not like being sick.  This is true, but I have come to think of it in a different way:  Every time I seem to get really sick, it is right around the time that my spirituality, faith, perceptions have changed and/or grown.  I have come to think of these episodes of being sick as a way of my body purging all the negativity from my body.  I'm getting the germs and "lack of" out of my body.  The lack of faith, love, joy, letting go of negative feelings and emotions.  So as much as I hate the feeling of being sick----I'm so excited at how amazing I will feel when I am "better".

Spring Harbor

Well, as hard as it is not having Will with me, I have to admit that he has been transformed while at SH. He now tells me he likes himself, he thinks he's smart, funny, and creative. Wow!

Now, this doesn't mean that things are magically fixed and we will have a "typical child" when he comes home next week. Because the hard work is still ahead, it's just wonderful to start from such a positive place and know he can feel so good about himself.

He has become such a happy, smiling , confident child in the last couple of weeks it is truly astounding. There is also a quiet confidence in him about his gender identity. He was asked what his life would look like in 20 years and he said that he will have had a sex change operation and will be a good parent. Willow it is.......

I guess this means I get the boy and girl that I always wanted in one amazing child. Will is definitely one of a kind, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am truly blessed. Thank you God.

Wills classmates

This week as you know started off rough. One of the things that lifted my spirits was Wills classmates from Kaler elementary.

Will was having a rough start to his week as well. In talking to his drs I decided to call his school and asked to pick up a book he had left at school called "Meet Mr. Thotso Your Thought Maker". This was on Wednesday. The day after Valentines day. When I drove to the school to pick up the book, his teachers asked after him and then have us a bag full of Valentines cards and treats that his teachers and classmates made for Will.

His eyes lit right up when he saw what his friends and classmates had done for him.

It's people like this, these kids who have befriended my son, and the amazing teachers who have taught these children how to be non-judgmental and accepting of all people no matter how different they may be. These people show us just how beautiful humanity can be.

God works in beautiful and wonderful ways.

Another sleepless night....

Will had a rough night last night. Then he had a great day today.

I, on the other hand, had a migraine today. I had lunch with Will then met with the psychiatric resident. She wanted some more info on family psychiatric history. I told her everything I knew, most I had shared last Thursday at the intake meeting.

I went to work, came home, figured I'd actually get some sleep tonight because of this headache. I was actually almost happy about the headache. It felt like because of it I had an excuse to let myself get a good night sleep. I was confident my brain was going to let me sleep tonight.......

Then the phone rang....

It was Spring Harbor calling to let me know he had been in locked seclusion again tonight. I have just received another call telling me he is finally asleep after 2 more lock downs.

He's talking about robots being in the room with him. This is new, I don't know what this means. The dr already told me today they were no closer to figuring him out then they were on day one.

What the hell does that mean? This sounds like one of my worst fears realized. But I have to stop, I have to put my faith in God, in this hospital, in these wonderful group of doctors, nurses, and staff. I have to believe that I'm living this for a reason and things will get better for him. They have to.

Which means: let go and let God

I can do this, right?

Spring Harbor

I dreaded telling Will about the hospital. I didn't know how or when, so I gave it up to God to decide the when and how. When the time came he was all for it as long as they helped him to not hurt all the time. He's actually been bugging me about when.

We got the call Monday that today was the day. Will could barely sleep last night he was so excited. He helped pack his bag last night. He can take only a limited amount of stuff, but he didn't mind.

I let Will sleep with me last night. (Pretty sure it was more for me than him). It took forever for him to fall asleep, then I spent the night cuddling and listening to him breathe (and snore). We played this morning then left the house. We went to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast with his dad. (thought Will might enjoy it, even though I'm having a hard time being around "dad" lately). I know Will has a tendency to eat fast, but wow! He inhaled that donut and chocolate milk! Then wiped his mouth on the bag!

I spent 4+ hours being bombarded with questioned by the team at the hospital so they can start his behavioral plan. After I went in search of my son, he was hanging in the sensory room having fun. He gave me a hug and told me he loved me and sent me on my way.

I was quite proud of myself. I was upbeat and smiling and joking before and during the meeting. Walking out the door is when I started falling apart. I am now home, and have been for 1&1/2 hrs now. I don't want to be here! I don't want to be anywhere. I want my son back with me.

I guess it's easier knowing he wants to be there, and is getting the help he needs. I can't imagine how I'd feel if he didn't want to be there. So now it's dealing with my own feelings on the matter, however, I'm not real good with that. Guess I better get better at it huh?

That's it for now, I'm going to hibernate for a while, visit Will tomorrow and breathe, just breathe........

Dick's Sporting Goods

Today was the day.  Will and I started getting ready to go and claim his winnings.  We discussed strategies for when he might start to feel overwhelmed.  He decided a stress ball and his DS were all he needed.  I was very proud of him.

Before we left I received a phone call from one of my relief staff.  She was concerned about when and who was coming in to relieve her.  I explained I had found coverage the day before and she would be arriving momentarily.  Well, the second staff agreed to work today, thinking she was agreeing to work next Sunday. (She works her other job today)  CRAP!  Staff that was stuck at work has a small child at home with a babysitter that can't drive and needs to get to work too.  Well, I started making calls and texts to figure out what was going on and how I could fix it.  Let me first state that I was NOT at work, and therefore not obligated to do anything, but I felt bad, and felt somewhat responsible.  While trying to figure it all out I received 2 phone calls and a text from the staff person.  I was busy so I didn't answer. ( I was working on helping her, and again, not under an obligation to talk to her using my cell(or home phone) when I don't get reimbursed for texts or phone calls from the company) When I finally was able to text her, she had sent me 4 more texts.  Each one more angry than the next.  I finally called her, she started yelling at me on the phone, I couldn't get a word in, I finally raised my voice and told her (not sure she heard me over her yelling) I was going to hang up the phone if she wouldn't calm down and listen to me.  She didn't stop, I hung up after telling her to call the emergency cell phone.  Then had 6 texts after this.  She was verbally and textally(sp?) abusive and rude to me.  This all happened as I was trying to get out the door and get to Dick's.  I still feel horrible for her and her son.  I still feel guilty that I couldn't fix it for her, and I still can't let it go.  I need to just take a deep breath and let it go.  When we got home, I called the emergency cell and explained what had happened, thinking she had called, she hadn't.  I now have to go into the office tomorrow and show all the texts between us and explain the whole interaction to the associate director.  Now I feel guilty for getting her in trouble and possibly losing her job over this, because I really do understand how angry and panicked she must have felt.  I have been stuck at work before when I needed to be somewhere else and it sucks.  However, it's the name of the game.  When anyone is hired for the company, it is explained that because our jobs are with humans, we may run into mandatory overtime.  Everyone hopes it never happens, and hates it when it does, but it's a part of the job.  Anyway, I'm sorry.

So, now on to the good part of the day.  The store!  We walked in, stood in line, signed in, Will was given a shirt and name tag.  We were paired up with a staff person, and off we went!  I'm pretty sure we walked the store at least 3 times as Will weighed his options.  He was definitely more interested in quantity over quality.  He didn't want ANYTHING that was very expensive.  He just wanted a lot of stuff.  His face lit up when he realized he could get whatever he wanted, within reason--we only had $100 to spend.  Also, we somehow didn't calculate right and when we got to the register to cash out, we had $124 dollars worth of stuff.  Uh-oh-- I figured, Will would have to put the shirt back.  But no!  They paid for the extra $24!!!!  How awesome was that?  Will was so intent on what he was doing, he didn't need his stress ball or DS.  He was great.  He was super excited when he saw free donuts from Dunkin Donuts too.  He
 had a boston cream, a boy after my own heart......

Oh goodness, where to start......

debating the virtues of basketballs, he ended up with a small ball (less expensive)

happy with his bargain ball.

wandering the store...

baseball section

A bat costs how much??????  No thanks!

This is all the loot we brought home.  WOW

Once we got home, he lost no time getting that soccer ball out and the cones.  He showed me "his skills".  He even told me he was "magnificent" really?  He is complimenting himself!!!!!! OMG!  He never says nice things about himself.  He usually gets angry if anyone compliments him, because he doesn't believe it.  I love my child!

His mad skills!

Yes, he's magnificent!

Yes, the boy has skills

But he really needs to be wearing sneakers. ;-)

dribbling...

Kick the ball mom!

So, I may have had a rough start to my day, it might have been bothering me all day, but I look at these pictures, and remember the look on his face.  Today was an awesome day!  Thank you God for blessing me and my son today.

Better

So, I got off the comfy couch, I picked up my son from school.  This is the first time since the meeting I was able to spend any quality time with him.  I was worried that I wouldn't be able to appreciate the time.  I am so happy I was wrong.  We laughed, we giggled, we played together, went to Granny and Papa's and giggled there.  At least while I am falling apart on my own time I am able to enjoy the time I have with my son.  For that I am eternally grateful.  Thank you God.

Slept

I slept OK-ish last night, haven't been sleeping well for a while and with all this stuff with my anxiety and depression and then this decision about Will, it's been worse.  I got up in time to be dressed for Will to be dropped off after his overnight with his dad.  I got him off to school, then I laid down on the couch and rested/slept the day away until I had to get up for work at 2pm.
Is this bone-crushing fatigue I'm feeling from my MS?  Depression?  Total exhaustion? or a combination of any/all of them?  I don't know, probably a combination, just my luck.
I know that in some ways it feels like the decision about Will is already made.  We've done everything we can think of to keep him out of Spring Harbor and it's only scratching at the surface and dealing with the behaviors without teasing out the root cause/s.  So that means going there and having 24 hour care to help figure this out.  But every time I think about it, I start hyperventilating, I feel numb and tingly, and my vision blurs (and that's before I start crying, so I can't blame it on the tears).  Here's my problem, I don't trust anyone but me to truly take care of my son.  I know, I'm a bit of a control freak.  I have trust issues.  OK, I'm just plain messed up.  They don't love him, he's a job to them.  Let's be honest, it's a job.  Are they going to lay with him till he falls asleep?  Will they let him rub their fingernails as a way to self-soothe?  I doubt it.  And what if after the 50 days they don't have any answers?  Will they keep him longer?  How much longer?  Or even worse, what if they don't find the answers and then send him home and he went through that traumatizing experience for nothing?  How do I begin to get over that guilt?  I know, I know, I'm getting so far ahead of myself I can't even remember where I am.  But there it is.  I'm so afraid to have to put him in someone else s care and not have any control over what's being done to/for him.  Or who's working with him.  Is it someone who hates their job?  Only there for a paycheck? Burnt out and taking it out on the children?  Or will he get someone who genuinely cares for him and his well being?  I don't know, am I willing to take that risk?  I think I have to.  Then there's the question of how will I survive 50+ days without waking to see his beautiful face in the morning?  How will I go to bed without a smile, a hug, a giggle to get me through the lonely nights?
God, please give me the strength to do what is right for Will............please?

Still numb

So back to the meeting this morning:  When our case manager and the school social worker were talking about my son going to Spring Harbor for at least 50 days my whole body went numb and tingly.   I know they only have his best interests at heart and are concerned about him.  I really get that.  I do.
I am stuck, I don't know which way to go, and if I were to decide not to put him there for evaluation and to figure out what's going on- would I be doing that for selfish reasons?  I mean I really don't know how I'd be able to handle him not with me for so long.  I recently went to my brothers wedding, it was the longest I've ever been away from him.  I saw him Friday morning, and then again Sunday about noon.  Seriously that's the longest I've gone without seeing, kissing and/or hugging my son.  Will gives the best hugs.  And has the most beautiful personality and smile.  How can I go with not seeing that?  And how selfish am I for thinking that?
I don't trust others to watch my son, not even family completely.  IS this what it means to be a mother?  Or am I just that controlling? I still feel numb and tingly and it's over 13 hours after our appointment.  Part of it is that panicky fight or flight feeling too. Today I've come as close as I ever have to having a full blown panic attack.  It hits me when I least expect it, and all of a sudden I can't breathe or I am hyperventilating and cease to be able to function.  I need to sit down and talk with our case manager and go to Spring Harbor to meet some of the staff and have my questions answered.  Maybe then I will be able to figure out what's best for Will, without putting "my stuff" in the mix.  Dear God, please help me make the right decision for him, and please make it clearer for me.  Cause right now, I don't trust "them" to do right by my son.  Amen