My heart is heavy today

We have had a very hard week here on our jaunt...it started with probably the worst melt down in Wills history. He was to the point where I asked staff to call the police while we were at the mall. 

From there it got marginally better, but still a bad week. He had another melt down the next day, had a VERY quiet weekend at home, then Monday he bolted from the bus line refusing to come home on the bus. He hid (and well enough that the teachers jumped in cars and drove through the neighborhood)in the bushes. When he got home he had another difficult time. 

Today I took him to the psychiatrist office for a med review.  It was decided to try to up his risperidone. We will see if that helps. His dad brought up a question that I had which is:  do we have staff too many days?  Is it too much for him?  I just don't know. They are there to support him and give him the skills he needs, but is it too much all at once?  He has services 6 days a week. He has section 65 three days a week. This is the behavioral services to help with the aggression and learning to use his coping skills.  Then we have section 28 specialized coming 3 days a week as well. They help with coping skills, but are more about helping Will learn the life skills  he needs to survive in the world, such as: tying shoes, blowing nose, healthy food choices, safety in the community, learning and performing chores around the house (making bed, folding and putting away clothes, unloading dishwasher, etc...)

All of these things are so important for him. He needs all of these things...but is it too much?  Do we need to back off? Is this a case of less is more?  I don't know. All I know is that Will is REALLY having a hard time and showing many unsafe behaviors, and he has been talking about suicide more often as well. 

I feel like my heart is breaking because I am his mom. It's my job to fix this.  It's my job to support him and help him find his way, but I feel like lately I've been failing him miserably. 

I know I'm doing the best I can, but what do you do when you feel like your best isn't good enough?  What do you do when you don't have the answers to the important questions that need to be answered?

The first picture is of Wills apology letter to the school staff for running off. The second is his list of reasons why he hates riding the bus.  The third is what he wrote about me last Friday when I didn't let him do what he wanted to do.  The last is of Will relaxing on Saturday. He does great when he has no demands and can choose his activities.....

Sometimes you just need to vent

I have been pretty busy lately, plus Will has been doing really well. Yes, there are always ups and downs, but overall, there have been more ups then downs. This coupled with lots of dr appointments and tests for me lately make it very easy to find excuses not to write. However, like the title says: Sometimes you have to vent!

I am really having a hard time with Wills dad. He is house/dog sitting for his girlfriend this weekend. He will be coming to Portland Saturday for something and has asked if he can take Will Saturday night to stay with him at his girlfriends house.  He says its so he doesn't have to drive back and forth so many times to let the dog out. If I didn't agree he wanted to know how far north I was willing to drive to meet him so he didn't have to drive so far. 

Really?  First I will admit, I don't want my son sleeping over at her house. I don't like her. (To be fair, I don't know her, Will likes her and says she's nice so that's all I need to know I guess...). Anyway, I told him my gut reaction was "HELL NO!" But that I realized that was a reactionary answer so I would think about it to make a more reasonable decision. I still came to the same decision. I explained that I didn't want to give up my night with Will. (I'm very protective of my Will time, and feel very guilty when I do let him sleep over at my parents so I can go out) I love the bedtime routine, I love waking to him in the morning. I don't want to give that up. I also explained that I wouldn't be driving to meet him half way (or anywhere in between).  I explained calmly that I shouldn't have to be put out and waste my gas for him and his girlfriend. Dog sitting is very nice of him, but why does it have to impact me?  He said it didn't, he could take Will Saturday night instead. Why should I have to give up my time with my son because its convenient for him, and saves him gas?  I don't agree to help friends/loved ones and expect him to be impacted negatively by it. This is his responsibility and he knew the implications when he agreed/offered. I'm not upset he asked, there is never any harm in asking. What upsets and offends me is his response. He seems to think my answer is only a personal attack against him, to which he responded with anger, bullying and threatening language. This was nothing personal towards him and solely personal in how it impacted me and my time with my son and financially when things are already tight without spending more money for an ex husband who left me under less than auspicious circumstances and his girlfriend. 

Tonight Will told me his dad has been asking Will all about my boyfriend. I will admit to A LOT of curiosity about his girlfriend. The only questions I have EVER asked Will are general questions I would ask no matter where he had gone. "Did you have fun?"  "Is she nice?"  "Do you like her?"   Having asked those questions (the second and third questions were only asked after the first time they met)

As far as I'm concerned I have no right to grill Will about his fathers girlfriend. He should NOT be put in that position. However, if others want to offer up their insights: please private message me and feel free to dish! lol

Why then does his dad feel its ok to ask Will on multiple occasions about my boyfriend(s)?  Is it because he doesn't trust me to honor the 6 month agreement we made?  Is he just too nosy he doesn't care about the position that puts his son in?  He has never even asked me if I was seeing anyone. 

Well, for those of you who have read this far, thank you for letting me vent. I don't know what retribution there will be for not making life as easy as possible for my EX husband, but from his parting words last night I know there will be in some form or another. Time will tell.....have a great night everyone.