Friendships

I find it sad that my son doesn't have a lot of friends, but then again it keeps things kind of quiet which is nice also.

Will does have some friends. In fact he has one that has been his friend for several years, even though she has moved away and we don't keep in touch as much as we should they remain friends. He has another up to camp who he has maintained a friendship with for a number of years as well.

I was so excited yesterday when a boy his age showed up and said he would be coming over today with another boy. Yeah! Lately the children he plays with outside school are the neighbor boys who are both younger. I hope they come over more often to play/hang out with Will.

Wills dad came this morning so I could go to work. When I mentioned this new development he was not happy. He made plans to go out with his friend (she's an ex girlfriend I've always had issues with- but that's not important ;~P) and her 3 yr old son. Will has expressed many times that he doesn't want to hang out with them because they don't like the same things. While his dad did take a break from making plans (while she was unavailable anyway) he is back at it because he wants to spend time with his friend. It's frustrating when he has the opportunity to cultivate friendships for Will that are age appropriate. He had made plans to go to some other friends house for a visit, and again while the ages of the kids there are much younger (3&1/2 and 1) at least Will enjoys going to see them. The parents have been in his life since he was a baby and he feels comfortable there. So while dad goes to see his friends at least I know Will will be enjoying himself there. Even so, I would put his best interests first and cultivate the age appropriate friends since he has so few.

Anyway, that's my rant for the day....I don't want him to only play with family, adults and very small children he can boss around. I hope Will gets to see his friends today and they don't show up to an empty house so dad can see his friend. Just sayin....

How much Christmas do we give up for our children.....and is it enough?

I ask this because I have found over the years I have pared down Christmas by more than half. I used to want to join in everything! Now when someone mentions a holiday visit my first thought is: "How will this impact Will?" Will it be too overwhelming for him? How long should I stay? What have I already committed to?

I say now, but it's been a few areas since many people have even asked. Will and I have my family Christmas party a week or two before Christmas, Christmas Eve at my parents- this year Will will enjoy this without me as I have to work. :(. Then we have Christmas morning together before his dad comes to get him. This seems to be about his threshold including going to his uncles with dad on Christmas.

This year while talking to Wills dad he mentioned Christmas Day (from 11:30a on) they would stop over at a few friends homes before going to his uncles home to celebrate with his dads family. I mentioned that it sounded like a lot for Will to manage. His dad got pretty defensive, because he wants to see all his friends AND family on Christmas. He calmly explained that they had been invited and he didn't want to make multiple drives to the same area. All perfectly logical, however I have to wonder, is there a better way to plan out Christmas to have both their needs met?

I understand wanting to see your friends especially this time of year, but shouldn't Wills sensory needs be paramount in the decision process? I'm really not trying to say anything negative about his dad (I'm really not, no matter how he would read this post) all I am saying is that if Will does too much/has too much sensory input it can and usually will affect him for days. There will be an increase in meltdowns and general frustrations, exhaustion and tearfulness, and thats just Will's response -( all of which falls on my end of the week so once again I deal with fallout from dads decisions)

I will admit that I am more than a little resentful at being placed in the position of having to give up a lot for Wills well being when his dad doesn't make the same choices. Now, I understand that what I consider the "right choice" doesn't mean that others will agree and make the same choices. I also want to make it crystal clear that I DO NOT resent having to make the sacrifices and tough choices I make for Wills sake. I would and ALWAYS will do whatever it takes for my son willingly. The resentment comes from feeling like I am the only one who makes these decisions. (I also want to be clear, I haven't lived with Wills dad for 2&1/2 years so maybe there are sacrifices he is making that I just DON'T see.....see? I can try to be fair towards his dad)

While I don't resent making the decisions I've made for Will, I do feel sad sometimes that I rarely see friends I love and care about, I feel as if I've given up some friendships that are truly missed.... While I say that I have given up on friendships we must remember it is a 2 way street. I may not have made those phone calls but no one called me either. Makes me sad, makes me wonder....we're they only fair weather friends? Were/are they just going through a lot in their own lives? Or is it just that they can't handle the changes in my life? I know I have a lot on my plate...divorce, MS, work issues, and most importantly a blessing in the form of a child who has different needs/capabilities than any other child. I know it's a lot, and some can't handle it. That's why I was given this amazing gift of Will and others weren't.

So, I happily choose to decline invitations (sometimes with a sad heart) and make the tough decisions that others can't/won't make. I will continue to pick up the pieces when things have become too much for Will. If people can't or don't want to be a part of our lives and love and support us in this journey called life that's ok. I understand, because I know there are people in our lives who have been there right along, calling to make sure we are ok, listening when I need to talk, offering to bring over ginger ale, ice cream, pumpkins or whatever we might need as well as continue to nudge me- sometimes not so gently, and thanks for that, truly- to get out and take care of me sometimes. These are the other blessings in my life that I love and cherish almost as much as Will.

So yes, for those kids who need less, most of us will gladly (if not also sometimes sadly) give up more especially during these crazy sensory overloaded holidays. For those who don't, I will try not to judge, I will keep doing me and you can keep doing you.

Do I set my friends up to fail?

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I have been struggling with many things for the last month: family, son struggling, ex/divorce, work, relationships, financial problems. Lots of things have had me spiraling out of control. Have I ever mentioned how much I like to be in control? I do, so having so little control over most aspects of my life has also been a huge source of anxiety.

While I have had a few friends show their love and concern on Facebook, I have felt very isolated and lonely on top of everything else. I keep coming back to a saying I read a while ago:

"One who holds your hand in your problems is a good friend, but the true friend is one who holds your hand more tightly when you tell them to leave you alone."

I have never been good at asking or accepting help. I find when I need it the most I pull away even harder. In my head I know this is crazy, I know I have been blessed with friends who would be there for me. But my heart demands that I protect myself from the disappointment of being let down by not asking.

I have come to realize over the last couple of days that subconsciously I am waiting for my friends to just know what I need and to hold my hand more tightly. In doing this I am setting my friends up to fail me. This in turn feeds the cycle of me not asking for what I need because I have been let down again. None of this is about my friends. They are some amazing people and they deserve the chance to be there for me, as I deserve the chance to be there for them.

This all comes back to me. This is about how I view myself and my worth. That is where I need to focus my time and energy so that I can trust in myself and my friends. The ones that let me down, that will be on them- but its not fair to assume it will happen before giving them the chance.

Do you ever have a hard time trusting in your self worth?

Finally home

So, as you can guess, Will came home today. The smile on his face when we left SH was so wonderful to see. We went to lunch at Friendly's where he made great choices on food.

We then picked up his meds and went to school. His friends came right over and gave him hugs when they saw him. I picked him up 2 hours later to hear how awesome his time there had been.

He was doing great. He made a great choice to play with Legos so he could use earned time later playing webkinz with his granny on the computer. His dad came over to take him out for a while and stated they were going back to SH because dad wanted to get his iPod which was left there. Will really didn't want to go, he became upset but was able to stay safe. I jumped in and helped Will use his helping board and make safe choices. He left with dad (not happy in the least) but he went calmly and hopefully was able to turn it around quickly. I am so proud of him. I love the plan that SH has set up for him. I think we will have a lot of success if the school and dad can follow through and implement the plan throughout the day, EVERY day. I hope they can, but if I'm really honest, I'm really afraid that dad can't/won't do it. He only implemented a few elements of it in front of me, and not even the most important parts.

Well, it's out of my hands. I can't control others, only myself. I will pray and do everything I need to do to make Wills transition home a great one, where he feels safe and happy. Please God, hold him in your handstand take care of him.

These pictures show how one bag of clothes/items goes into the hospital and comes out with 4 more bags. Then a picture of Will showing me how Ted he was to leave SH. Then a picture of him tying his shoe in front of Friendly's. Then drawing on his placemat inside Friendly's. What an amazing little (or not so little) child of mine. I love him so.

Couch

My couch is my new best friend.  We have spent the last 2 days together.  I have slept, cried, zoned out watching tv, and eaten (things I shouldn't have) on my couch.  I don't want to move, I want to quit work and hide on my couch forever.  However, I realize that this is not an option for me.  I am off the couch at the moment (the only way I could blog about my beloved couch) getting ready to pick up my beautiful child from school in just under an hour.  Then we will have the rest of the day and all day tomorrow together.  I know he will want to do many things during this time, play games, we've already discussed going to the library and children's museum tomorrow, and maybe seeing Granny and Papa today.  We also have to go grocery shopping today too, as I was too busy being one with my couch all morning.  But all I really want to do is lay on the couch and snuggle/hug/kiss/ and be with my son.  I want to just be with him, but I know that, not only will he not want to do that because it's boring, but we  would both be missing out on all the great things we can be doing together.  He hasn't gone to SH yet, it hopefully won't be until the first of the year (if at all, a girl can hope can't she?) So why do I feel as if I'm losing him already?
Snap out of it already!  He's here, let's build memories that will hopefully get us both through the tough times ahead.  These are the words I'm trying to live by now, in this moment......

I also need to try to stop shutting my friends out.  I find that when in this depressive state I shut down, as I'm sure a lot pf people do when feeling this way.  I don't want to always complain when talking to friends, so I stop talking, I get very quiet when on the phone.  I need to find a way to be able to open my life up to people again without making it all about me and my problems.  I'm trying.....I'm a work in progress.......