New perceptions

I have realized lately how negative I used to be.   Nothing ever went right for me. I had a bad marriage, I wasn't happy at work, I didn't see my friends (my husband made me feel horrible if I wanted to go out with friends-to the point that it was easier to just not go.)

See how easy it is to get trapped in these thoughts? I also was very lost in my faith. I stopped talking to GOD. I didn't stop believing exactly, I just lost my way, spent way too much time questioning rather than believing. I had turned my back on my GOD. It was a very lonely time in my life.

I knew that I had some accountability in the way my life was turning out, but everyone else got most of the blame. I mean, couldn't be me, right?

Then I had an epiphany, I decided to be positive, and I definitely became much more positive, but I still had a LONG LONG way to go. I just didn't realize it (yet).

Well, my husband left me for a 24 year old, my son fell apart and went into crisis, my mom kept getting sick, my dad was drinking heavily again, and what did I do? I held on to the anger, the hurt, and the pain.  I wrapped myself right up tight and didn't let go for anything.  I even nurtured those feelings.  I wasn't going to let go- no way, no how!  I had friends that encouraged me in their own way to keep holding onto those feelings.  I also had friends telling me to "Let go, and let GOD"  Well, how was I supposed to do that?  I was questioning my faith more than EVER.

Well, life continued on, as it usually will.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was changing my thought processes.  I was slowly pulling away from the friends who were subtly keeping me "stuck" and finding more people coming into my life who were GOD-like.  Who openly professed their love and faith in GOD, and whose messages made sense to me for the first time in so very long.  Whose messages made me feel better about myself and changed the way I think and feel.

In an earlier post I wrote about my changes in feelings towards my husband and our divorce. It's all true, it really is.  I have been awakened to the fact that even when I thought I was a much more positive person, I still had so very far to go.  This does not mean, that I am done on my journey to self discovery and the re-awakening of my faith in GOD.  Far from it.  I feel like I have just started this journey, but I am so filled with hope, happiness and peace that I am on this path and will follow it all my life.  I will strive to constantly grow in faith, love, optimism, and joy and hope that any who are interested will join me.  If not, I will still love you, but it will be from further and further away as I continue to grow.  I will not and can not let anyone stop me from my life.

This also does not mean that there won't be more posts where I need to vent, I mean hey, I'm only human and venting really helps me process my feelings and thoughts.  I hope you will understand.

I had to add this picture, owls remind me of my grandmother, one of the best women I've ever had the honor of knowing.  Her faith, love and joy were endless.

How can you not have faith in GOD, when HE gives us such beauty?

This is so true for everyone.  I am trying to live by this every day.

Again, from earlier posts, you might have heard that I've been sick for the last 2 weeks, and that I might not like being sick.  This is true, but I have come to think of it in a different way:  Every time I seem to get really sick, it is right around the time that my spirituality, faith, perceptions have changed and/or grown.  I have come to think of these episodes of being sick as a way of my body purging all the negativity from my body.  I'm getting the germs and "lack of" out of my body.  The lack of faith, love, joy, letting go of negative feelings and emotions.  So as much as I hate the feeling of being sick----I'm so excited at how amazing I will feel when I am "better".

A very long week

This week started off feeling completely hopeless. I ran out of oil Sunday, the same day my van decided to say goodbye. Now Sundays are the only days of the week I work all day and can't see Will. Every other day I can at least see him for 20 minutes while he eats lunch. Monday I was called telling me I could not come for lunch due to Will struggling. (I found out later that day that he lost my visit as punishment NOT supposed to happen!!!!!!!) I went Tuesday for lunch. I was very anxious to see him not only because of the previous day, but also because he is my only Valentine.

Again they refused to let me see him. This time because he was in the middle of a crisis. I did see his hand from behind a mat (he was trying to hit staff) I left his valentine cards
And gifts at the nurses station and cried as I left, feeling more alone than I thought possible.

However, not all was lost, I changed my way of thinking, and on Tuesday I was able to have oil delivered. (didn't have heat till Thursday as I was at work when they delivered oil so no one was there to let the guy in to bleed the line and start furnace.)

My parents let me borrow their car, and I'm still borrowing it. My father also took me out Friday to look at cars and bought me one on the spot. I can't say how appreciative and grateful I am to my parents for their help and support, but I also kind of feel like a loser for being 38 and unable to buy my own car. Oh well, I'm a work in progress and trying to not beat myself up too much for needing help. Especially since there is so much going on in my life right now.

I was also able to visit Will weds, thurs and Friday!! He has been in very good spirits all three days. Even with his med and dietary changes. I look forward to seeing him again today and enjoy music group with him. It seems to be the only place where Will can/will tolerate my singing. Then I will go pick up my mom (she's without a car since I'm borrowing hers till I pick up my new car at the beginning of the week) and we will go back to SH to visit with Will.

Then we will go visit my grandfather who is not doing well at all. He's getting more confused and depressed by the day. He is very clear (and has been all his life) that this is not how he wants to live. Although I love him dearly and want him with me for as long as possible our whole family has started to pray that he does not see his next birthday (march 2). He is an amazing man and I love him with all my heart.

As for other blessings this week: I went to pick up the van and they waived the $40 fee for looking at it. Also, I got 2 iced coffees yesterday for the price of one. May not sound like a lot, but I was grateful and that second coffee came in mighty handy. ;~). Also, at Trader Joes when explaining why I was buying so many cards (cashier asked first) she took down Wills name and said she was going to ask if TJ's could put together a package for him and send it. WOW! How amazing!!!!!!

And to top it all off, my mother connected with the wife of a Patriots football player a while back. She is sending Will cards, and has asked for a list of his favorite things so she can get a care package together for him. How blessed am I to have so many people care about my son. My faith has certainly been renewed this last week. To go from depression, fear, and such a sense of being overwhelmed to having hope, faith, acceptance, help, and love. I have a deep sense of gratitude to everyone who has and is supporting Will and myself. To everyone who has offered any and all help: thank you so very much. I feel so blessed to have you in my life. I love and appreciate you so very much.

Here are a few pictures from Will's valentine present.

His favorite reason was that he's cute. ;~)