Mixed feelings

My divorce was final yesterday, I am so very happy it is done. Please, don't misunderstand, there is still sadness, no one ever gets married hoping for divorce. It is a hard and painful process for all involved. Our marriage wasn't a happy one for many years, he asked for the divorce for reasons I won't get into here....it doesn't matter anymore and I'm trying to move on, not live in the past. I have however had almost three years to gain some perspective, acceptance, and forgiveness. This was the right outcome no matter how we got here.

As I begin this new chapter in my life I have reminisced over the past. There were certainly some good times amidst the bad, but I couldn't help feel really sad (and thrilled) about today. Wills staff came over to work with Will, we had been prepping him for a few days that they would be spending part of the day outside to get some fresh air and exercise. We gave him the choice of finding a place to go sledding or building forts in the back yard. He chose forts. I have to say I was thrilled. Some of my best childhood memories are of my brother and I building snow forts and tunnels and then having snow ball fights. I hollowed out an area behind a snow bank on one side of the driveway and Will and his staff Tim did the same on their side. (Although they got fancy and made a tunnel too)

During this Will kept running in between the cars and throwing snowballs at me, he couldn't throw all the way across the double wide driveway (unfortunately I throw like a little girl and couldn't either). We had so much fun and we were laughing the while time. I had a moment of profound sadness though, this was the picture I always had in my head of Will, his dad and me playing in the snow, not with Wills staff. We don't always get everything we think we want or see for our children and ourselves. But you know what? Will is showing an interest in playing in the snow for the first time, he was laughing and smiling during a difficult period in his life. So what if it doesn't look like I had always hoped? He was happy, we shared and made a happy memory we can carry with us, he was outside and loving it. He even loved getting me in the face a couple times with the snowballs.

Things change, I have chosen to accept those changes with as much grace as possible, I'm sure I will still mourn those things that will never happen, but I will not become stuck by them. I will rejoice in the new opportunities that will come into my life because of these changes and know that I am ok. WE are ok. The possibilities are endless, and I have to believe that we have opened ourselves to even better experiences in the future.....

A New Year...

It is January 3 2013 and I finally have a moment to sit down and contemplate my last year, and really visualize this year I find myself beginning. Last year was rough in many ways, and in many more was quite a blessing.

The year started with Will in crisis, filling out paperwork and then waiting for the call from Spring Harbor (children's psychiatric hospital). The call came, none too soon, and we prepared for Will to go stay at the hospital....he was so excited to go to the hospital to stay so they would help him not hurt so much all the time. So as you can see, it was MUCH harder on me than it was for Will. February 2 was the day, his dad met me at the hospital to do the admitting paperwork/meeting. We went on a short tour showing us the ward Will would be staying, found out when we could visit etc.... Gave Will hugs and kisses and left with a broken heart. I was there visiting everyday, (except Sundays as I work all day every Sunday and his dad was there on those days) on days I had to work, I would go and have lunch with Will in the cafeteria. This was the longest six weeks of my life, but Will was thriving... I ran out of oil and spent almost a week with no heat in my house but I consoled myself that at least Will was warm at SH.

Will returned home mid March so much happier than he went into the hospital. We had services for him in the home and his classmates were happy he was back. Will had learned how to stand up for himself a little better at school, and he knew what types of behaviors he was willing to be around and what didn't serve him. This caused problems at school, his best friend still struggles and didn't like that Will didn't always choose to be around him when he was struggling. So he and another child started to bully and give Will a hard time at school.

I served my husband with divorce papers late March, which made him angry and wondering what other unpleasant surprises I had for him. (He had left me over 2 years before for a 24 year old girl, was in and out of relationships with younger women, and was finally in a relationship with an adult woman for 2-3 months- so he WASN'T alone, but all this had been his choice, not mine. I just needed to move on and if he wasn't going to file for divorce than my hand was forced so I could finally move on with my life.) It isn't final yet...... There seems to be one stumbling block after another for him, always a day or two before we have a court date to finalize. Can I say BEYOND frustrating?

Will started fifth grade this year, he asked to join the drama club at school! This is the first time he has taken an active interest in joining a club/sport/whatever....EVER! So we let him join, it quickly became apparent that it was very overwhelming for him to be in the group, so we rearranged his staffing services so that staff was able to support him during drama. Unfortunately he has since refused to continue as it is still too overwhelming for him. I am hoping that in a week or two he can be coaxed into trying again with staff providing more support for him. He continues to be bullied at school, they say they are working on it with an anti-bullying program at the school.

This summer I had my worst MS flare-up ever and was down for the count for about a month and ended up on 5 days of IV steroids. (I hate steroids!) My work has had it's ups and downs. My manager (who I enjoyed working for but who was extremely burnt out) quit, I got a new manager who was wonderful, but had come back from medical leave early and wasn't equipped to work in new houses, I tried to support him as much as I could but I felt more directionless than ever.....In October I was called into the office and told that my manager was out on medical leave again and would not be coming back. I continued the best I could with no direction at all, a week later I was told they had promoted someone else to be the manager and I was being pulled out of my homes, away from my clients, and put in new programs with 4 new clients. I was upset, I didn't want to leave my clients...I was given no reason why I had to move....had a new manager who was so busy with openings and overworked that now, on January 3 I still have not had the opportunity to sit down and talk with her about what her expectations are for me. 2 months went by at my new houses, I had a worse schedule, lots of stress about who would watch Will on Wednesday nights as his dad doesn't watch him on Wednesdays (only Sunday-Tuesday) because he is at his girlfriends. My parents offered to keep Will wednesday overnights which was wonderful and Will enjoyed it, but it messed up his routine and sleep pattern which was already in a bad cycle. Will would come home and work with his staff, at the end of her shift she would drive Will 20 minutes away to my parents. Over time my dad offered to drive Will back in the morning so I didn't have to drive out there every Thursday morning before school. Well, just as everything was falling into place and I was getting comfortable with my clients and their needs/routines I was called into the office again and pulled to 2 new houses, 4 new clients- same manager. I started 2 days ago. The schedule is minutely better, a lot more physical work, but less of the mental..... We shall see how long I am allowed to stay here before I get pulled with no explanation....

The holidays are always stressful, Will even threatened himself with a knife to his neck last week. I hoping this is only because of the added stress of holidays and vacations, but have no fear, I have locked up all sharps and am consulting his drs etc....

As you can see, it's been quite a year. I am not sharing this for anyone to feel bad for me. This is to show what Will and I have overcome. We survived all this, and have come out stronger. This is not to say I was grateful for the struggles while they happened, but looking back I am so grateful for everything we have gone through, struggled with, hated at the time, celebrated. Will for all his struggles lately is still solo much better than he was a year ago. He even bought me a Christmas present for the first time EVER, which makes this the best Christmas ever for me even though I had to miss my family Christmas for work on Christmas Eve and day. My divorce should be final tomorrow (fingers crossed!), and this is a new year and who knows what it will look like....personally, I am putting out the energy that it will be a great year for Will, and me. I expect struggles, grief, heartache and worry....I expect there will be much more celebrating, laughing and loving than the other stuff. I will take it all in stride (as much as I am able) and be grateful for it all. I will embrace this life of mine, and do everything in my power to make this Wills best year ever!

I had planned on no New Years resolutions this year, but as I write this I realize that I have one....to make this the best year ever for my son.... Happy New Year every one, I hope this year brings you health, happiness, peace and blessings (as much as I wish it for Will and myself ;~})

School shopping and Meltdowns

I took my son school shopping yesterday. It went very well, I bought the obligatory sweatpants (all he has worn for 3 years +) but I was able to sneak in a pair of jeans and a pair of cargo pants as well. Now we will see if he will wear them when the weather cools off enough. Just the fact I was able to buy them with Will with me is amazing to me, growth is possible people. Trust me, if Will can grow as much as he has I the last 6 months, almost anything is possible.

We also bought sneakers, I was getting frustrated because I couldn't find his size in the store, he became adamant about the style sneaker he wanted (they light up when he walks). I was so pleased that the last pair I spied were in his size. He willingly tried them on and announced they were perfect. He even put them on later that day when he went to play with the neighbor kids. This is huge as sneakers have been a major battle in this house. He loves his crocks and hates tying laces because it is so difficult for him. Every day last year was a battle of wills as he tried to convince me he could wear his crocks to school and I patiently explain that "this year the rule is you have to wear sneakers to school.". This is because he has OT at school and recess. He has tripped wearing crocks and has therefor refused to participate in recess as well as struggled in OT. We found once we implemented this rule he was more successful in OT as well as more active at recess.

We also picked up socks and undertheres as he badly needed both. We got the obligatory school supplies as well, the pencil case, the pencils, markers, crayons, glue sticks notebook and binder. He did so well at the store.

And then we came home......

The melt downs started. None of them lasted overly long, but there were a LOT of them. Everything set him off. Today has been no different. He did get to meet his new teachers last night at the open house and have ice cream. The new teacher in the day treatment room pointed out a third computer which interested Will, but the changes were many. Maybe too many? I don't know, only time will tell.

The start of school is definitely causing much anxiety for Will, and it doesn't help that his sleeping cycle has finally taken a dive. We have been in such a good sleeping pattern for so long I almost thought he had outgrown "the cycle". How foolish am I? I am so excited for the rest of my weekend.

On a completely unrelated note: tomorrow is my court date for my divorce. I'm hoping this is it and I can begin my life as a single woman. Here's hoping?

What's in my mind

So, had mediation yesterday. It went fairly well. We haven't been able to finalize the divorce because we have a couple issues to agree on: who claims our son on their taxes. He lives with me- I feel I should get to. He thinks because he pays child support he should. He is willing to do every other year, I'm not sure yet if I am.
The other issue is his retirement fund. Originally he decided that since I never put money into it it wasn't marital property. It was explained to him that it is. He was then willing to split it up until feb 10th 2010 the day he said he wanted a divorce. My lawyer explained that the judge will almost ALWAYS split it up to the day the divorce is final. I asked him if he would consider up to July 1st (the day he moved out) he said NO. So, I said I would consider that. Otherwise we were able to agree to terms on everything else. Sigh, and so it continues......

Now on to other things.... Will has been struggling the last 2 nights at shower/bath time. He ignores my prompts to take a shower several times until I become frustrated and then he screams at me that I'm treating him like crap (his word, not mine) and being a horrible parent. Tonight it didn't end as quickly- throughout the bath he kept up trying to get me to fight. Did I take the bait? A few times. I'm not proud of it, but I'm human and the last 3 weeks have been particularly rough on me. So yeah, I took the bait. He repeatedly told me he was going to leave in the morning to walk the streets looking for another family to adopt him. Also saying that he was not the right kid for me. Now, I was irritated enough to find this making me frustrated, furious, tired and irritable. However, there was enough rational thinking to find this also amusing at the same time. It finally ended up in his bedroom, having lost his computer privileges for tomorrow and almost losing the use of my old iPhone.

He apologized, said he DID love me, but thought that he still wasn't the right kid for me, and that he really did just want to die. Well, I'm exhausted enough that I broke down crying right there in front of him. He became very upset I was hurt and tried to reassure me that it was ok for him to feel that way, it didn't mean he would actually die. Then told me he would do anything for me I needed, while rubbing my arm trying to comfort me (sweet really, and shows the tremendous growth he has had) so I told him I needed him to want to live. He gave me a kiss and laid down to sleep telling me he loved me one more time.

No parent EVER wants to hear things like this from their child. To want to die at that age, strikes terror in my heart. I would do anything for this amazing little boy, but I don't know how to ix this and make it better for him. So once again, I am going to do my best to Let go and Let GOD. Feel free to pray for him (and me) as we can use everything we can get right now.

The big "D"

Today I had a meeting with my lawyer about tomorrows upcoming mediation. If all goes well and we come to an agreement tomorrow we will then go before the judge and our divorce will be granted. I could potentially walk out of the court tomorrow a free woman.

The last 2 years have been hard I won't lie. Lots of ups and downs for me. A lot of reflection and hard work to get where I am: acceptance. But today I find myself conflicted. My lawyer herself said I was coming across as ambivalent. I am, it's true. I don't want to give up my house, but I don't want my ex to have free access to it either. I don't want him to go through my things, leave his at my house and generally take advantage of me. The only way to enforce that would be to get new locks and restrict his access to the house, (or apartment if I moved) but this isn't always going to be possible. There will be times for Wills sake he will need access to my home. The problem lies in my almost complete lack of trust in my ex and what he tells me. This is the ambivalence my lawyer sees. It's there, for anyone to see who wants to look close enough. But for me, today, I look to another ambivalence.

I look at the outcome of being divorced. Part of me is so excited, so incredibly, indescribably happy. This is the part that has felt bullied, abused, and neglected by my ex. The part that has been so beaten down, and lost most of my self esteem along the way. This part wants to run and jump and laugh with sheer joy at being free of the prison I felt I was in for so long.

Then there is the part of me that is very sad about the end of my marriage. Partly because there are some good memories there. We were happy sometimes. But it's also because if I'm honest with myself I play a role in the end of my marriage. I'm sad that I didn't do better. I closed myself off from him. I pulled away and wouldn't let him in. Again, if I'm honest, there were times he tried, tried to break down all the walls I erected. Yes, there were reasons for those walls, they were there to protect me from being hurt, but what could have happened if I had opened up and shared? Who knows..... maybe nothing different would have happened, it might have been worse for me, or, it could have ended so differently. Our lives could have been so very different. We might have been happy and still together.

So who's to say if he would have been a better person if I had been. Life has a funny way of working out. I can play the what-if game all day long, it doesn't change what has come to pass. I just hope that we can both learn from it, grow, and have better/happier relationships in the future.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring..... for me, I hope it's a divorce. We shall see, we shall see.

Life is a funny thing

The last few years have had a lot of hard moments. There's been a lot on my plate. Well, this year seems to be all about change.

Change had always scared the hell out of me. I mean, the unknown can be a scary thing. There has been a lot of fear in my life lately. It was all about the unknown. My husband left me, what will happen to me now? Will I be alone the rest of my life? I really believed that one. My son has been in crisis for a long time. (almost 2 years), what would happen to him? Was I going to be able to help him? Would I fail him and therefor doom him to struggle more than he had to for the rest of his life? Was I going to loose the house? Where would I live then? How can I make it on my own?

These are the thoughts that have taken up so much of my life the last 2 years. They even had me stuck, unable to move forward, because there IS some comfort in staying where you are. At least then you know what's going on, you know what thoughts and feelings to expect. To move forward means to let go and trust that it WILL be okay. Trust that by moving into the unknown and uncomfortable we will come out the other side alive and whole. (at least okay).

It so easy to hold on to the fear, resentment, anger and loneliness. At least you know where you are. I have spent a lot of time telling others and more importantly, MYSELF I had let go of these feelings and had moved on. But you know the saying: Talk is cheap? Well, it is. Just saying it isn't enough. You need to live it and be it. You need to LET GO, you need
To TRUST that you will make it, you will SURVIVE. You may stumble and fall, but you get right back up, dust yourself off and keep going.

I finally decided to LIVE IT. I made
The decision to put my son in SH for the help I was unable to give, and look how well that worked out? I was devastated. I couldn't even sleep in my own bed the whole 6 weeks. I cried, and missed Will desperately, but I made it through, and so did Will. Looking back it was one of the best decision I've made. We came out the other side and we're stronger for it.

On a more recent note, I filed for divorce. It's been 2 years, Jason left me, under pretty crappy circumstances. I had refused to do anything about it. I decided that he left ME, he could file. Well, look how well that worked out for me. :)

Jason waited 10 months to get the papers. He waited till he had a girlfriend. He then left the papers for me to fill out for him ( to serve me, a little messed up? What do you think). When his girlfriend broke up with him the papers disappeared. My anger and feelings of hurt and resentment (already pretty strong) continued to grow. I kept telling myself "HE left ME. He can file. He can finish one thing in our marriage.". I kept telling myself that I would come to despise and hate him if I was forced to file. When Will went into SH, Jason told me he was filling out the paperwork again. (turns out he had a girlfriend, big surprise). I waited well over a month, but I was still not served.

I finally made the decision to get a lawyer with the financial help of my parents. I served HIM! I tell you what: I don't hate him, my anger, hurt, and resentment feel like they have melted away. I feel more in control of my life, more FREE.

I still don't know what the future will hold, but I know I'll be okay. I know Will will be okay. Where ever we end up, we will be OKAY. In fact, I'll go even farther--- we'll be better than okay! We'll be HAPPY!

Jason is angry with me for filing first. Is it because I took away his control? Is he scared? I don't know, and that's okay. I don't NEED to know. Thats HIS to deal with, NOT me.

Does this mean I've become this perfectly enlightened person? No, I'm sure I'll still have set backs, I'll still get angry, hurt and resentful as well as other negative feelings besides. However, I truly believe that I will be able to acknowledge these feeling and release them much, MUCH sooner.

Just remember, saying you've let go and moved on rarely means you have. You have to let yourself fall into the unknown trusting you will survive. You also have to take ACTION! You have to do something to move past these fears etc. if you can do this you can SOAR with the eagles.

Come fly with me!

Depression

I have struggled with depression for many years.  I was so happy when I was finally in therapy with an amazing counselor.  I was doing so well that I could go off my depression medication.  To finally be free, I hate taking medications, felt like I had finally conquered one of my demons.  This was also 3 weeks after I had had my lap-band surgery.  My life was on track. 
Three weeks later my husband and I sat down to talk.  We had been fighting, I can't speak for him, but for myself I was upset about his friendship with a younger woman.  So we talked.  I started by telling him I was concerned, he was taking this woman out every week for dinner ( he paid) with our son.  He took pictures and put them on the computer if her putting my son to bed.  She was doing her laundry at my house, hanging out at my house.  All of this was while I was at work.  I told him for our marriage (which had been very rocky for several years on and off) to work I needed him to back off his friendship with this other woman and go to marriage counseling with me.  His response was :"I want a divorce."
I know we had not been happy for a while, ( long while) but I was devastated.  He had told me all along while I voiced concerns over the previous months that I was crazy, he loved me, he married me, he wanted to make our marriage to work. To have it all fall apart in an instant was stunning.  He also maintained that he was only ever friends with this other woman (24 yrs old) but the next week he came clean and said that they were going to try to make their relationship work.  Wow, can we say sucker-punch?
A week after he ended our marriage ( but didn't move out for 5 months) my 7 year old son climbed into bed with me and told me "I'm mad at you."  Then proceeded to tell me that he was a girl and I wouldn't let him grow out his hair out or wear girls clothes.  Really?
I tell you this not to rehash but to share that through all this I didn't go back on depression medications!!  I was so proud of myself.  I continued with counseling and started the process of dealing with and moving forward with this new life I was given.  I was free of medications, I was a strong empowered woman.  I was a fool.
My therapist moved out of state, I couldn't afford to find a new one and was scared that I wouldn't find such a good match again.  On top of that I felt like I was abandoned by some of my good friends.  All of  "our friends" were first my husbands who I made an effort to get to know and befriend.  He always refused to put in the effort with my friends. 
My weight loss journey had been going so well up till this point.  I had lost 40 pounds.  But living with my husband who wasn't really my husband anymore, watching him get all dressed up and going out on dates with other women on the nights I didn't work or having him act like we were still married became too much.  I have since gained most of the weight back.  I have been eating my feelings.  I'm not proud of this.  I'm trying to get back on track.  I have also had some health issues during this time making working out almost impossible.
HE did move out eventually, but he is still at my house 5 days a week, using my electricity, heat, water etc.  He doesn't take our son to his house very often, or out at all, all in the name of it makes our son happier to be at the house.  More likely it's so husband can watch tv, ( records all his shows on my dvr box so he doesn't have to pay for one himself, saying he lets his dad use the tv at his place <lives with his daddy now>) and use my computer ( uses someones wifi at his place so he doesn't have to pay for internet).
Let's also be clear- it's been almost 2 years since he asked for a divorce but has not filed for one.  I realize that I will have to be the one to file, but I've been so busy dealing with everything that comes with a son with developmental disabilities.  Plus emotionally and mentally I'm not up for it right now.  He did pick up the papers last December and left them on the counter expecting me to fill out the paperwork for him.  When he asked me a week later why I hadn't done this I told him it was his job.  I'm not his mother, he can fill it out.  Yeah for me, I didn't "take care of him" like I used to throughout our marriage.  This is good right?
Sorry for all the ramblings down memory lane.  We'll skip the rest, at least for now.
Here's where I am now:  frustrated and resentful more than I can say.  Having gained most of my weight back, with no motivation to lose it again.  Will power has deserted me.  Curse you!!!!  And very depressed.  I have been in denial about my state of mind for a long time now.  I have eaten my feelings to numb myself and have that instant (short-lived) "good feeling".  I have also turned to crafts.  I have recently been told that crafts/art are my crack .  Well, If I'm going to be addicted to something, it's better than drugs or alcohol right?
An Art-filled life  is my blog about putting the art back into my life.
I didn't realize how depressed I was until my brother got married.  It was such a beautiful wedding, but I felt disassociated from it all. I didn't feel like I belonged, in the way, and useless.  That's not how it was only how I felt.  I also saw some pictures on facebook from the wedding a few days later and was so excited I copied them to my phone and re-posted them on my page.  I was not at my computer so I was unable to "share" them.  I re-tagged them with my brother and sister-in-laws names on them not even thinking about it.  Well, my brother sent me a very nice e-mail saying he was a little concerned about me tagging their photographers pictures as my own.  It was a mistake right?  No big deal.  I took the pictures down immediately and sent off an e-mail apologizing and explaining that I was also told that I was told during the reception that she was not the paid photographer.  ( I didn't realize there was 2 paid photographers)  OK, so I fixed the problem and apologized.  Then why did I feel like I was the worst person/sister in the world?  Why did I feel like I was also the stupidest person in the world.  Silly right?  That was the moment I realized I need help.  That was a week ago.  I'm trying to do the work on my own.  I'm overwhelmed, I'm tired and trying to stay positive.  This is my journey.........