Relationships are hard

Relationships are hard, and messy, and they can hurt.....a lot. They ca tie you up in knots, or give you delicious butterflies, and sometimes it's all rolled into one.

When do you know you are ready for a relationship? I don't know.... It's been so long since I've found myself feeling like this. I started dating last March/April. I spent some time with a guy who treated me well, but I knew I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. When it ended, I was ok.

At this point I was pretty sure I didn't want just a casual relationship, I am definitely a one man kind of girl. I felt ready to seek out a man to share my life with. I finally broke down and tried e-harmony and met a couple of guys. I went on a date with one....and that was it. I met the second guy and wow.

A really nice guy, we have a lot in common, I like spending time with him. Then things started to change....I don't know where I stand. I think I've been friend zoned. I've been getting very little sleep, I haven't eaten except for 4 triscuits last night. Before that....it was 3&1/2 days ago.

I don't remember ever being so tied up in knots. I know that I'm also going through a very emotional week and hormones are playing a part in how strong my feelings and insecurities are presenting themselves.

I really thought I was ready...but am I? All the insecurities from my marriage about myself and self worth are back. I know who I am, I know what I look like. Right now I'm the fat woman with "personality". The most I can hope for is to continue to work on eating healthy and exercising so I can be come the woman with "personality".

I know I am a good person. I am funny, smart (in a more common sense type), I like people, I like helping and making people smile. I just don't have the looks. Most of the time I'm absolutely fine with that. I like who I am. The question now becomes, am I ready ? I feel like I am... I want to be with the man who loves me for me. Who is my best friend, and wants to put me first,. I recently found a picture that said "Good Mood, Bad Mood, Pretty, Ugly, Handsome, What-Have-You......The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass". This is what I want. Am I asking too much? Am I just too impatient? How do I manage my feelings?

I AM trying to go with the flow... Really I am, but if I'm this tied up about it, does that mean I'm not being true to me? Is it really what will make me happy? And don't I deserve to be happy too? Others may need to "get out there" and date a lot of people. That doesn't make me happy. I need someone who wants me. This is just one of those days when I really wonder if I am just "that" person who doesn't get what she wants. I know I can be alone. I don't need anyone, but I want someone.

Just to be clear, this post is just a rant while having an off day(week) things WILL look better tomorrow. In fact, I will now force myself to eat the soup I bought when I went out to lunch with an old friend. I still have no appetite, but this has gone on long enough.

Time to put my big girl panties on, and try to find the answers to my questions so I can move forward in my life and be happy. Whether alone or with a partner in life..... I will survive.

Relationships

Well, I am definitely trying to get back in "the game". I've met a really sweet, cute, funny guy. I like him a lot.

But a relationship? I'm just not ready. While I have spent the last two years working through the "effects of my marriage" and have come such a long way as far as a acceptance and forgiveness, I'm not ready to trust another man in that way. I can't let myself depend on one for anything.

Clearly I still have a ways to go. 😌

For right now I am interested in someone who can make me laugh, Someone to keep the loneliness at bay once in a while. I admit, I miss having someone to talk to, and be silly with.

Is there really anything wrong with a woman wanting these things? Don't get me wrong, I'm happy being by myself most of the time. I like knowing that I can take care of myself and don't need a man in my life.

But needing and wanting are two VERY different things. And sometimes I want someone. So, having someone to lighten the load once in a while and make me smile isn't a bad thing.

I still have too much work to do, to much trust to build before I can even think about a real relationship with a man. I'm more confident, but does that mean I trust myself to demand what I deserve? What about putting a stop to any negative treatment? Am I strong enough to walk away if necessary? I wish I could say YES and know I meant it. Honestly, I'm not sure. I'm stronger than I was, but am I there yet? Probably not. I think I'm close...

So for now, I am so happy to just have some fun. I think with everything in the past several years I deserve some fun. I deserve to be happy. (see how far I've already come?😉)

So let's be friends and be kind to each other, and above all, let's have fun!