Hard lessons to learn

So I have had a roller coaster of a couple of weeks. Work has been crazy, and very overwhelming. I've worked long hours to cover other staff, I have and have not been backed up by my superiors. I have had silly, frustrating, and down right discouraging arguments with my soon-to-be-ex. I have had wonderful and trying moments with my wonderful son Will.

I have gotten to see an old friend from high school and his 2 beautiful little boys. We had a wonderful time hanging here at the house, and going to the beach. (if you follow my other blog: emilysperspective@blogspot.com then you already know the exploits of the beach, my raccoon eyes, and my very painful sunburn to shoulders and upper back. If you don't, then you can check it out there)

My parents took Will for an overnight last night so that I could have an adult overnight of my own. It was so much appreciated. I have to say, I have met an amazing man. Last night we just hung out, he helped me cook dinner- when he's cooked for me he wasn't happy with the dinner, when I've cooked for him I wasn't happy. Last night we cooked together and I think it turned out perfect. He gave me a foot massage that felt amazing and watched a movie. Then went to bed.

My overnight was just what I needed. It's amazing what having a man who cares about you, and WANTS to take care of you will do for your overall emotional well-being. I mean here is a man who was more concerned with me and my wants/needs than his own. I have to admit- I love this, but it is a little scary too. I mean, I can't remember the last time someone treated me this well.

Now, I don't want any misunderstanding, my soon-to-be-ex wasn't/isn't a bad man. He has a lot of good qualities and can be caring in his own way, when he wants to be. Also, it takes 2 people to end a marriage and I know I played my part, some of which was that I pushed him away as the years went on. See? I've grown- I can admit to my past faults (I say past-cause now I'm perfect. lol)

So, what have I learned the last 2 weeks? Well, I've learned that at work I need to put up some clear boundaries so I am not taken advantage of anymore. I also need to hold my boss, and co-workers accountable for their responsibilities. With the ex I need to work on clear communication and clearly expressing my needs and expectations no matter what he says and how he tries to make me feel so I back down. Stand strong Emily!! Don't back down! Stand up for yourself and Will. I deserve to be heard, and respected without being taken advantage of. And as for the new man, I'm working on accepting help, letting someone be there for me who wants to do things to make my life easier. This one is the most challenging, I won't lie, but I'll keep working on it.

And from Will, as always I continue to learn patience, unconditional love, acceptance, and a list too long to finish. I have managed to take time out of my crazy schedule to spend some wonderful time with Will and just have fun and be.....

A down kind of day

It's been one of those days where everything kind of hits you at once. My ex's grandmother recently passed away, then because my ex "forgot" to tell me or warn Will that the visiting hours was an open casket viewing my son Will is now traumatized (have I mentioned he's only 9?) and has been acting out all week. Two of my closest friends are struggling, one lost her father and the other got devastating news about his own health. My ex is kind of being a jerk in some aspects of our interactions. I'm trying to cut him some slack since he's dealing with the death of his grandmother, but it still doesn't feel good.

Having my personality is very difficult when people I care about are in pain, scared etc. I want to fix it and help them feel better. Especially when it comes to my son. He's been having incontinence problems either real or behavioral- haven't figured that one out yet. He had another accident at school today, I brought a change of clothes for him and as soon as I opened the door at school I could hear him screaming and crying. My heart was broken. Emotionally I want desperately to fix everything for him. Why can't I do this? I'm his MOTHER! It's my job!

I know, I know, it's irrational. But the heart wants what the heart wants. Intellectually I know it's unreasonable and I'm sure I'll feel better by tomorrow, but today I want a hug.

So, for today I will accept these feelings and sit with them, I will take a few deep breaths, a little meditation, and then I will release my unreasonable super hero expectations of myself and move forward on my path tomorrow. A little wiser, and a little more centered, and I hope a LoT more patient with myself. All I can be is me, and quite frankly, that's enough.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I have a wonderful life. God bless, and remember to breathe.

Lonely

Have you ever felt so lonely it's crushingly overwhelming? That's how I feel today.

I know I have family and friends, I'm not REALY alone. I can call and talk or visit with friends. That's not what I mean though.

I want that special someone to snuggle with, to share EVERYTHING (well, maybe not everything) with. The person whose shoulder is always there to cry on, and who will lend a sympathetic ear. The person who will rejoice in the wonderful moments with me, and hold me during the painful moments.

Now don't get me wrong. I have learned in the last 2 years that I can live on my own, I even enjoy it most of the time. I am so proud of myself for being self-sufficient. I'm not asking for another husband, not what I'm looking for right now. Who knows if I ever will?

Why is this coming up now? Well, honestly it creeps in every once in a while. But today it's because my ex's grandmother passed away and the viewing/visiting hours were today. She was a great woman and I loved her, she had been my family for more than a decade. I took the afternoon off from work to pay my respects, lend my support to my ex, ad especially my son. Knowing Will there was only so much he could handle. I didn't want the ex to have to worry about that today, and I didn't want Will forced to stay and endure what he couldn't tolerate.

I'm so glad I was able to do it, but it made me sad. I had no one to console me. I'm trying to be there for them, but there's no one special to be there for me. My ex has an ex-girlfriend and a girlfriend to take the place I used to hold in his life to console and take care of him. That's OK, I'm not saying I want or need to be that for him. I just realized he has that special someone, and that's great for him, but
I guess I'm feeling a little jealous of him. I know I shouldn't, but I'm having a moment of wanting something I don't have and won't have for the foreseeable future. I'm reminding myself that I am EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be. God has a plan for me and I WILL trust in HIM. Doesn't mean I have to like it all the time.

I really do enjoy my life and like where I am and where I'm going. But as the theme of my life goes: "I'm a work in progress" so I just keep accepting, loving, changing, and growing. Life will continue on, I'll trust in God, and follow this crazy path that I'm on living in the moment.

Good thing all my moments don't feel like this one. Namaste

Overwhelmed

Do you ever just feel so overwhelmed that you shut down and want to hibernate?  Well, that's how I've felt for a very long time as far as my financial situation goes.  I'm in way over my head as far as debt is concerned.  Fixing it looks impossible.  I don't even want to try, I want to continue to ignore it but I can't.  Here's the frustrating part: If I wanted to I could stick my to-be ex with the bills for last years oil, cable etc because we are technically still married and he's here so often that he's using these things almost as much as me, and more importantly- they are all in his name.  I can't tell you how much I want to do that.  Then I would only have to face the debt in my name and might actually prompt Ex to finally file for divorce just to save his credit.  However, even though that was suggested to me by the oil company I talked to today to start making payments on my seriously past due account, I can't do it.  It's not right and I have to make it right. 
I find that when I'm stressed about finances ( most of the time) I end up over spending on craft things.  I've been told that crafting is my "crack".  I really need to get this under control, I mean my cars inspection expired in April and I can't afford to get it fixed and inspected.  But I have the money for paper and stickers?  Wow, I really need to start seeing a therapist again and also get spending under control.  I need to take a hard look at my expenses and make a budget and stick to it.  But what I really want to do is buy these really cute Christmas stamps I found at the craft store and then hide under my covers.  I will not buy! I will not buy!
I need a tranquilizer and a drink.........