What's in my mind

So, had mediation yesterday. It went fairly well. We haven't been able to finalize the divorce because we have a couple issues to agree on: who claims our son on their taxes. He lives with me- I feel I should get to. He thinks because he pays child support he should. He is willing to do every other year, I'm not sure yet if I am.
The other issue is his retirement fund. Originally he decided that since I never put money into it it wasn't marital property. It was explained to him that it is. He was then willing to split it up until feb 10th 2010 the day he said he wanted a divorce. My lawyer explained that the judge will almost ALWAYS split it up to the day the divorce is final. I asked him if he would consider up to July 1st (the day he moved out) he said NO. So, I said I would consider that. Otherwise we were able to agree to terms on everything else. Sigh, and so it continues......

Now on to other things.... Will has been struggling the last 2 nights at shower/bath time. He ignores my prompts to take a shower several times until I become frustrated and then he screams at me that I'm treating him like crap (his word, not mine) and being a horrible parent. Tonight it didn't end as quickly- throughout the bath he kept up trying to get me to fight. Did I take the bait? A few times. I'm not proud of it, but I'm human and the last 3 weeks have been particularly rough on me. So yeah, I took the bait. He repeatedly told me he was going to leave in the morning to walk the streets looking for another family to adopt him. Also saying that he was not the right kid for me. Now, I was irritated enough to find this making me frustrated, furious, tired and irritable. However, there was enough rational thinking to find this also amusing at the same time. It finally ended up in his bedroom, having lost his computer privileges for tomorrow and almost losing the use of my old iPhone.

He apologized, said he DID love me, but thought that he still wasn't the right kid for me, and that he really did just want to die. Well, I'm exhausted enough that I broke down crying right there in front of him. He became very upset I was hurt and tried to reassure me that it was ok for him to feel that way, it didn't mean he would actually die. Then told me he would do anything for me I needed, while rubbing my arm trying to comfort me (sweet really, and shows the tremendous growth he has had) so I told him I needed him to want to live. He gave me a kiss and laid down to sleep telling me he loved me one more time.

No parent EVER wants to hear things like this from their child. To want to die at that age, strikes terror in my heart. I would do anything for this amazing little boy, but I don't know how to ix this and make it better for him. So once again, I am going to do my best to Let go and Let GOD. Feel free to pray for him (and me) as we can use everything we can get right now.

The time is fast approaching.

I know I told you about our Christmas vacation, but did I tell you why we spent such a quiet week?

Well, I know I've told you we have been discussing having Will go to Spring Harbor after the new year. Guess what? The new year has come and gone. I have been panicking since Christmas about this day.

I went to a meeting at Spring Harbor on the 11th. Our case manager Jen and I put in the referral that day. 5 days later we were told he was accepted and put on the wait list. Well, we just got the call Friday saying that while we don't have the exact date, it will be the week of the 30th.

I can't convey the feelings going through me any more. I'm hopeful, worried, terrified, and have a hole in my heart that's so large I can't explain it. I feel like I've failed my child. I can't fix this for him!!! That's my job. I'm supposed to fix it for him.

Now, I don't need anyone to tell me it's not true. Intellectually I know this. But whether it's a "mom" thing or just the impossibly high standards I have set for myself, I still feel like a failure.

The panic is setting in as the time draws closer. What do I do when I'm all alone in my house? No one to come home to and cuddle in bed with. I know I can visit him, but they made it quite clear they don't want me to visit too much. I've never been away from Will for more than less than 48 hours. How do I make it for up to 2 months? How do I keep from falling apart when I do see him? When I drop him off?

I guess it helps that when I brought up the subject he got excited and told me he wants to go. Now I don't have to worry about how he'll react when he goes, although I'm pretty sure it won't be what he thinks it will be.

As much as I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix everything for Will, I know it's not within my ability. This is why as painful as it is I decided this is where he needs to be for now.

When your child watches a commercial for St Jude's hospital and tells you he wouldn't mind having cancer because he wants to die anyway, what else can you do but go to the extreme.

But what do I do if they can't help him either? Where will I go then to keep him safe and give him the happy childhood he so deserves. I know, I know. I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to think positively. I need to believe they can help because the alternative is too scary to contemplate.

If anyone is actually read this..... Please pray for my child. He needs everything everyone can give him. He deserves so much more than I have been able to do for him. I want him to want to live. Cause if ANYTHING were to happen to this miracle of mine I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to carry on. So please pray.

I'm trying to stay positive, but it's been hard lately and will only be getting harder for a while. The light at the end of the tunnel is that this will help and put us on track.