It is well it my soul

Will and I have had a pretty rough year.  In fact, since March things have gotten really tough and extremely scary for me.  We have had more involvement with the police then I even thought possible.  2 assault charges on my sweet, not so little 11 year old child. A trip to the emergency psychiatric ward of the local hospital for observation, and denied services from the state because we clearly can handle the situation ourselves............
On top of all this, I have had many other issues come up in my life- car, financial, relationship, etc....the list goes on and on and on.  I was hanging by a thread trying to fight for my son, trying to fight for my clients, trying to pretend like everything was fine when it was in tatters on the ground around me and I felt abandoned and alone.  (Only because I'm stubborn and don't ask for help, not because I don't have family and friends who love me....just to be clear.)
Last week I packed up for a week at camp.  Empire Grove.  I have been going to this camp for 35 years.  I have not missed a camp meeting.  However, this year felt different as I was packing, as happy as I was to be going back, I was also angry and frustrated that we were going.  Will was SUPPOSED to be in a temporary out of home placement.  An intensive 2 month program where his dad and I were to be intensely involved to give him the help he so desperately needs. 

So off we went to camp, I brought everything into the camp, unpacked, opened the windows and settled in fully expecting to pack up at any given moment and head home because Will couldn't handle being there for whatever reason.  I spent the first 24 hours on edge...but gradually the peace of the grove seeped into my soul and I relaxed.  The theme of the week was wellness.  Wellness of our mind, body and soul.  Who needed that more that me?  Or Will?

First I would like to address the one negative moment in our week- it was a doozey.   Staff showed up Wednesday for his second shift at camp.  Will was a little on edge, but I decided to listen to the staff supervisor and let staff handle Will.  I went back to the carnival for a few minutes.  However, I was put in jail while there by a precocious little 4 year old boy.  While serving my time ( a whole 5 minutes) I received a call asking me to come back to the camp.  Staff had some scratches, Will was screaming and out of control, and I arrived just in time to step between the two as Will lifted a cast iron door stopper and threw it at staff.  It quickly de escalated after that.  He apologized for his behavior,  he listened, and had a great day for the rest of the day. 

Now, I have to get into the wonderful parts of the week.....as angry and frustrated as I was, I must agree that hindsight is 20/20.  While I sometimes have a hard time believing,  in this instance I wholeheartedly believe that thing have worked out as they were meant to have.  While I railed against God, and questioned Him.  While I doubted and turned my back......He was taking care of us and doing what was needed to be done.

Will is now 12 years old, he has been attending Campmeeting at the Grove since he was 1 week old.  This year while at the Range Pond picnic he played with the other boys from the camp for over an hour.  This may not sound like much to most, but to this mom who has watched him try to play with the other boys for years and be rejected time and time again, until he eventually stopped trying......it was so huge.  I stood on the beach and cried, my heart was full.  THIS is why we were supposed to be here.......

That night, after I attended vesper services I came back to the camp only to be led inside with my eyes closed.  I was told there was a surprise waiting for me.  With no small amount of worry, I let Will lead me into the camp, I opened my eyes to a beautiful note and a sandwich he made me on his own, for no other reason than to thank me for being a wonderful parent.  THIS is why we were supposed to be here........ 

Will wanted to go on the hayride, we went on one, and when we discovered it was not the "scary senior youth ride" I was told in no uncertain terms that he was going on it with HIS FRIENDS, and I could go back to camp.  THIS is why we were supposed to be here......

And towards the end of the week when he showed me a note he got from some of the other senior youth kids telling him he was the coolest kid at the Grove, they were glad he was in work group with them, and that he played with them at the pond.....the look of joy and acceptance on his face........THIS IS WHY WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE...........

As for me, I was able to nurture my body, mind and soul throughout the week through friendship, communion, worship, walking, laughter, good food, rest and song..........I am now ready to continue my journey fighting for Will and his needs, we are in the process of reapplying, I am hoping to hear in the next day or two if he was approved.....fingers crossed.......

In the meantime. .....it is well, it is well, it is well with my soul.

It's camp time again

In one week my son Will and I will be at our camp again for camp meeting. I have been going since I was 6 (33 years oh my!) and my son has been going for 10 years (since he was 1 week old!). I've written about Empire Grove before. It is the balm to my battered soul, it is where I am closest to my God and my grandfather, and where I find peace.

As my son started to grow up and struggle more and more it's been harder and harder for Will to enjoy camp. It's such a foreign environment to him now. It does not hold the same structure as home does. There is too much freedom, too many kids running and riding bikes ( Will doesn't run fast, and can't ride a bike). These kids don't understand Will, they don't want to play what he wants to play and he can't keep up with their play. Can we say beyond frustrating?

And so he struggles.... We had a couple of years that were disasters. Last year was better, and I'm hoping this year will be amazing by our standards. We have spent a couple weekends at camp since Will was in Spring Harbor and they went very well.

This year should be particularly interesting as we are putting on a musical (it's one I did 30 years ago at the Grove!- wow time flies. I'm starting to feel old lol) and I really want to be in it. I haven't sung in too many years to count and I really miss it. I'm hoping Will is able to cope with me participating. However, this means we CAN'T leave early as I will be needed for all rehearsals and for the performance. Can he handle it? Do I dare try?

The last several years I have not participated in much because Will needed me more. Don't get me wrong, I don't resent any choices I've made in regards to this. I guess I'm just leery of pushing this, because I want to spend the entire week there. In fact, I guess you could say I need this time. Yes, I'm being selfish in this but I deserve to be selfish once in a blue moon right?

So, the question is...... because Will is getting older, and doing better, do I take this experience to try and push him a little? OR Do I keep things status quo so I have a better chance of being able to have my full week at the Grove?

Do I participate in something that brings me great joy knowing it will make the week more stressful? OR Do I pass on this opportunity to keep the peace?

I'm really struggling with this. To top it all off I have to consider my MS. I've had a lot of symptoms lately and they are exacerbated by stress and heat. (always a lot hotter at camp then at home)

How much is too much? Anyone? Anyone?

Empire Grove

So, here I am rocking in my chair in my camp (Comfort Cottage) at Empire Grove. Being here is like coming home. God has wrapped me up in his loving arms and said "welcome back, I've missed you."

This has always been a special place for me. I have been coming here every year for 33 years. I come for every camp meeting, and whenever I can get here besides. I'll admit I haven't been here as much in the past few years outside of camp meeting, but this summer I am trying to change that.

The closer I get to the Grove, the more aware I become of the tension I have been carrying. The sorrow, anger, resentments, worries all become clearer. Not worse, not more intense, just clearer as to how much I've been carrying them and for how long. However, as soon as I see that sign coming up on my left, I turn off the music and roll down my windows (it helps when it is a nice day) and take my first deep breath of heaven. And you know what? My mind automatically quiets, my spirit is soothed and lifted. This is the only place on earth for me, it is surely magical here. My second family awaits me, to hold me in their arms, listen, laugh, cry and pray for me. Or just sit quietly out on a porch and swat mosquitos while watching the world go slowly by.

Time does not seem to move in the same way here at the Grove. It simultaneously moves slower and faster than the outside world. I have stepped back in time. I do not have access to tv shows, (I do have a tv/DVD player for movies) I do not have running water (used to have seasonal water but the pump died so we go without) or a bathroom (does a chemical toilet really count?) but have to walk to the bathrooms when in need of a toilet and/or shower. There is a washing machine but only a community line to dry from. Our children really do become "our children" here. We look out for and take care of everyone. This is a closed little community and as such, Will has the freedom to come and go as he pleases (as long as he lets me know where he's going- generally speaking) it also means that I can come and go as I please to an extent as well. Ahhh, the freedom that presents. As he has grown that freedom is expanding. The last 3 years have been hard here with Will because he was struggling, however this year he is much more apt to want to be outside and playing with his friend and being separated from me for periods of time so that I can visit with these wonderful people I call my family through God. It feels pretty miraculous this year to be here. And much more the sanctuary it has always been for me.

Part of me wishes I could afford to move here and always live in this blessed space. I truly feel that one day I will do just that, but for now I believe it is best served as the sanctuary and balm to my bruised and weary soul that it is. I will be spending as much of my summer here as is possible this year and call myself unusually blessed to have found such a place in earth that speaks to me so clearly and strongly. I truly feel closer to my God here and thank him for giving me this place to heal, replenish and pray.

A little piece of heaven

This would be my camp. I have been going there since I was 6 years old, that's.........a long time. My phone doesn't work there, I have no Internet or tv. It is bliss. It is quiet. It is where I go to rejuvenate my soul and fill myself with peace and love. I also feel closest with God there. For me it is the most God-like place on earth. I don't need a church I only need Empire Grove.

If you've been reading my blog then you know that I have been all over the place emotionally lately. My MS has been flaring up causing a lot pain, fatigue and stress. My son has been up and down lately, and I have been getting back into the dating scene. I have had other ups and downs as well lately, but I don't need to go into it all here.

None of these things have gone away, they are still there and will be, if not always then at least for some time to come. So why do I feel calmer? More at peace with my lot in life and myself? Because I just spent 17 hours at my camp. It wasn't long enough for me, but then it never really is.

I saw some wonderful friends, ate some wonderful food at the pot luck dinner and got to sleep in the best place on earth. To top it all off: Will did amazingly well while there. Nothing like the last 2 years. He was outside playing and letting me visit, he even offered to help set up for the dinner: OMGoodness!!!

I also got to see an amazing man who is finally home after a horrific accident this summer. His circumstances have drastically changed, but his positive attitude knows no bounds and he hasn't lost his sense of humor. He is and will always be my favorite dirty old
Man.

I am hoping to spend A LOT more time there this summer as it always has such a calming, centering effect on me. I came home from such a short visit feeling more rested, calmer, and happier than before I left.

I am so blessed to have my own little piece of heaven I can visit whenever I can get there. Again, it's about finding the balance and making the time to get to heaven.... And this time of year the lady slippers are EVERYWHERE!