Good night

I just called SH and was told that Will settled right down tonight and went to sleep easily. I guess third times a charm......

He had had a rough time in the morning, but was doing well by the time my mom and I got there and the rest of his day went great!

It does make me feel better that his bedtime was better, but I still feel panicky and can't sleep ( although I'm exhausted and REALLY need to sleep) this will get easier right? Because its bee three days and it's not easier yet.

I go back to work tomorrow, I'm hoping that spending the day with my clients, throwing a birthday/super bowl party for one and then watching the super bowl (ok, the commercials) will help. I mean it can't hurt right? Now if I could just get a good night sleep, remember to take my depression mess
In the morning {forgot them the last three days} and remember to eat regularly throughout the day and drink my water ( or any ) I'll be doing better.

And people say this is the time I should be focusing on taking care of me...........silly people.

Another visit

My mother and I visited Will this morning, we stayed for almost 45 minutes. He showed us his new room. (was moved this morning) read us a book, and gave us a tour of the ward. Then we were ignored as he happily played with his new roommate and friend. After watching for a little, we said our goodbyes and left.

My mother was so relieved that he was happy to be there. She was imagining him miserable and begging to come home. Now her worry is if he'll want to come home at all.

We stopped and got some lunch then went back to her house to eat. I visited for a short while then headed home.

Well, we will see what this night brings. Hoping since I have to work in am that I can get to sleep earlier and actually get sleep that is restful tonight. Only time will tell.

Another difficult night

So, last night I stayed on the couch till 1am. Went to bed and laid there playing on my phone till 2:30, at this time I fell into a restless sleep. Tossing and turning till 6:45-ish am. Then I refused to get out of bed till 9:30, when I had to drag my butt out of bed to make some coffee for my seriously sleep deprived brain to function. Drank a large cup, then left to have lunch with Will at SH. While there he told me he still liked being there, had a rough night and it was because he hadn't known what to expect at bedtime but he was all good now.

I called SH just a little while ago. He had a great day for the school part but then struggled of and on. Including bedtime. Where he refused to settle again, went to quiet room, started getting aggressive with staff. Had to leave quiet room as someone else needed it so he went in the sensory room and fell asleep there.

So it was still a rough day/night but it was better than night #1. So, even though I know he wants to be there, and things were better at bedtime, why do I find myself exhausted at 12:10am unable to shut my mind off and sleep? I have had way too many nights like this leading up to SH. Weds and last night were the worst. Hopefully it will get better for me too?

Mom and I are going to visit tomorrow morning. I know she's anxious to see him and his environment too.

But what to do the rest of the day? A good friend has invited me out tomorrow night, but I really am not up to a group of strangers, or anyone right now.

I did go to a friends house today for a few hours so that's good right?

Here's hoping for sleep tonight. For me and Will.

Will

So I had yesterday after school and all day today with Will.  Yesterday I was able to forget all the worry while we had fun.  It was such a great day.  Today was a little different.  We started by him crawling into bed with me at 4:45am.  We slept till 7:45 which was a first I think.  We played a little, had a snack and a mini meltdown because I wouldn't let him have what he wanted for morning snack, went to the library, then to the Children's Museum where Will actually put his hand in the tide pool tank and touched everything from a real live crab to a sea star, to a sea urchin and other things besides.  I was very proud of him for being so adventurous.  May not be a big deal for most kids, but for Will it was huge.  We've gone many times when it was open and this was the first time he willingly wanted to do it.  He wasn't sure about the crab at first, but when the lady in charge picked it up and it didn't "get her" he got more bold.  He also asked the face painter if she would paint stars on one hand and a rainbow on the other.  He got me to get a dragonfly and then decided it would go right on my forehead for all to see.  Yeah me.
We then came home for lunch, played a little more, then went grocery shopping. Had a larger meltdown while there- growling at me, very rude, stamping his feet- got home and continued the meltdown telling me I was mean to him= rushing him in the store, asking him too many questions ( i asked him what he wanted me to get for his lunches- that's it!)  I pointed out that I got him a dress-up outfit for him and a snack he wanted, but these did not prove that I am not mean to him.  His grandfather came over and played with him.  He had dinner, played on the computer too much, short bath and then bed.  We are pretty sure he's coming down with a cold which means a runny nose, a lot less sleep for both of us, and a cranky demeanor.
As you can see, I had a lot of moments throughout the day that were a lot of fun, and I did my best to enjoy them without holding on to the worry.  But those moments of meltdowns were terrifying to me.  Not because they were big (they weren't) but because now all I can wonder is "Is this the one that turns explosive and damages him psychologically?  Will his self-esteem be permanently damaged by this?  Should he already be in SP?  Am I making the right decision?  Am I being selfish?
How am I supposed to know what the best decision for Will is?  I'm terrified that whatever I do will be the catalyst for him being forever damaged.  Is this how any mom would feel faced with this situation?  Am I just completely over-reacting?  Am I putting off what needs to be done immediately?  Or am I putting myself and more importantly Will through something he should never go through?  I know parenting wouldn't be easy, but this is killing me.  Now that I've basically made the decision that he will eventually go to SH I keep second guessing myself about if it's right or if the timing is right.
I think I might be slightly neurotic.  You think?????