Happy Thoughts

Every night since Will came home from Spring Harbor I have continued with part of his nightly routine of saying three happy thoughts.... This was part of a longer routine which served him well in the hospital but not at home. I decided not to make an issue of it as he stopped doing the other parts of the routine, I mean why temp a melt down when he's happy and calm otherwise rot before bed right? (Pick your battles....isn't this something every parent instinctively knows or quickly learns?)

Anyway, the happy thought I persisted with for a couple of reasons: 1. He suffers from depression and I think it's important for everyone to end the day on a happy note with happy thoughts in their heads A they drift off to sleep. 2. It has brought us closer than before...I give him a hard time about his happy thoughts sometimes and mix up the order to make him giggle and share more of his day. 3. It reminds him (and me) that there is always something to be happy about even after a hard day. 4. They make me happy too....

There are days (more than I would like) where he can't/won't share any happy thoughts. These days make me a little sad, but on those days I tell my own happy thoughts to him so he can share in mine when he doesn't have his own. His dad doesn't maintain this part of his routine so I now call home on the nights that I work to ask him. Will has had a few days where he has really struggled with his dad lately. On these days he either refuses to talk to me or will only say "My happy thoughts are I hate myself, I hate myself and I hate myself." I think this would break any mothers heart to hear this from their child, and I am no exception.

For the last two nights his happy thoughts have been: 1. I love granny 2. I love dad 3. I love mommy. Now, I know I should be very happy about this....I should. However, I find myself very jealous that dad gets the number 2 spot two nights in a row. I want to be at least number 2 since granny has stolen the number 1 spot for the last several weeks right out from under me! I'm glad his relationship with his dad is better than it was, and I hope it continues to get better or at least is maintained. There is a little part of me (ok, a big part) that wants to be his favorite, that wants him to recognize that I am the better parent, the more involved parent, the more informed and therefore all round best parent he has. Now I don't say or do anything to or in front of Will to make him realize that I have these thoughts, but they are there....and I feel a little guilty that 2 days out of many weeks his dad actually makes the list at all and it makes me mad. There it is....does it make me a bad parent to feel this way? I don't think so, it makes me human....

(As long as I am number 1 or at least higher that dad for the rest of Wills life.....just kidding....sort of)

School update

Will has had two very successful weeks at school. He has done so much better than I could have hoped. He has spent the majority of his time in his mainstream classroom. This is amazing considering he hasn't set foot in a mainstream classroom for over 2 years.

He is still doing ok, but I do know that he is struggling this week (pretty typical for him). He has been talking about hating himself again. We are not getting his notes from school so I am not entirely sure what is going on as far as how much time mainstreaming he is capable of doing this week.

My schedule was changed on Monday to cover a call out. Because of this, I was able to be home early enough to spend time with Will. There were lots of giggles and smiles. Made my night.
When it was time for bed, we did our bedtime routine: read for 20 minutes then Will shared his 3 happy thoughts.

1. I love you
2. I'm so tired that I should get some really good zzzz's
3. I got to meet Tony today (Tony is a new staff)

Then he immediately went into his bad thoughts. (he's never done this before). He shared that he hates himself and he had a hard time at school that day. This talk breaks my heart. After he shared this with me I made him tell me his happy thoughts again. I told him we were going to go to bed with happy thoughts so we would have happy dreams. His mood quickly turned around when I asked him what his first happy thought was and he told me he loved granny. I acted all upset and he kept repeating he loved granny. He got giggling and went to sleep in a happy mood. Mission accomplished. However he is still struggling at school (again, they aren't sending the notes home so we don't have the full picture, but they did write that he has been doing a lot of negative self talk this week and they are working on strategies for positive self thinking) and I'm hoping he can turn it around and use some coping strategies.