Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Breaking my heart
I just called Spring Harbor to see how Wills first day and bedtime went. I kind of wish I hadn't.
He had a rough patch at dinner time. I believe he was upset because he had to eat on the ward and not in the cafeteria. This is standard with new patients I guess. He settled down and ate in his room.
Bedtime did not go so well, he is still awake and screaming. He is on locked seclusion for the moment because he kept going after staff and trying to bite and hit staff.
I know he's where he needs to be, but I just want to hold him and lay with him till he falls asleep. I want to hug him and tell him I understand and everything will get better, but I can't. Cause he's there and I'm here, without him.
He had a rough patch at dinner time. I believe he was upset because he had to eat on the ward and not in the cafeteria. This is standard with new patients I guess. He settled down and ate in his room.
Bedtime did not go so well, he is still awake and screaming. He is on locked seclusion for the moment because he kept going after staff and trying to bite and hit staff.
I know he's where he needs to be, but I just want to hold him and lay with him till he falls asleep. I want to hug him and tell him I understand and everything will get better, but I can't. Cause he's there and I'm here, without him.
Friday, November 25, 2011
The day after
Today is the day after Thanksgiving. I have been posting all over Facebook what I am thankful for. My family, friends and most of all my wonderful son. Now there are other things I am thankful for, such as having a job, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my belly. I know the lst could go on and on, but I will stop there.
Holidays have a way of being overwhelming to the general population. They are much more so to a child with special needs. We have now entered the most stressful time of all. Most people can handle the bombardment of sensory input with a certain amount of ease. These special children have a harder time. They can not process all the input coming at they from every direction. These children are on overload, from the word go.
My son is one of these children. I have been dreading the holidays for this reason. I have been expecting melt down after melt down. Tantrum after tantrum. As well as a few bruises along the way. I can't say what the rest of this season will bring, but so far my son has blown me away with his ability to deal with Thanksgiving. We went to my aunts house as usual, Will brought his laptop to use as a way of calming himself. He was a little withdrawn, but that's OK. With so many people there, and a TV loudly playing a football game, I'm really not surprised. When it came time to eat, he tried a few things I asked him to, (even though he didn't want them) and almost cleaned his plate. He asked to be excused, he thanked people for moving for him so he could leave the table. He thanked my aunt and uncle for the meal. When he had had enough, he quietly asked if we could leave. So we left. No dessert for us, (but then again I REALLY don't need it). We brought left overs to my parents house--my mother's on bed rest and so my parents didn't go--Will played a little there. My parents asked him questions, he told them quietly and calmly he didn't want to answer questions. When they continued, he got a little agitated, but remained in control.
We got home and had a quiet evening, with mo melt downs. This is usually the time where he falls apart. He holds it together so well for so long and then the least little thing will send him over the edge. But not tonight! Went to bed and fell asleep quickly.
We woke this morning, had a quiet morning, I put the tree together. He was patient, but told me frequently that he wanted me to take a break and play with him. When I was done with the tree, he actually helped me for a little while, I stopped and played. Then I set on the lights. Again he offered to help for a short while, encouraging me when he saw I was getting frustrated. Told me it was OK and I could stop for a while o play with him since he missed me and didn't want me to get angry. I stopped, we played, we laughed, and I got back to work.
When I was done with the lights I asked him if he was ready to help put up the decorations. He said "Not now." We waited. I asked 3 times, every time I got the same response. I finally, with a frustrated tinged voice, asked him to pick a time. The cracks appeared. He told me he didn't want to put the decorations up, he wanted to get out of the house. We went to the library. He researched hamsters, and took out three books on them to read at home. I got out the decorations, he stated he would put on the garlands, and that I could take a picture of him holding them in his hands. I must admit, I took advantage. I turned off the sound to my phone a took a few more.
The rest of the evening passed in giggles and smiles. There was no arguments over dinner, meds, bath, or brushing teeth. We went upstairs at 7pm and read the rest of a book we were already reading from the library, and he quickly fell asleep, even with protest that he was too tired to sleep.
I must admit, I was relieved. I imagined full blown melt downs last night and most of today, but my boy is growing up. This of course doesn't mean I won't get them tomorrow, or somewhere throughout the rest of the season, but for now things are good. We will keep things very low key for the next month, hoping to continue this good fortune, but there's too much out there in the world for it not to affect him. Whatever happens, he is my beautiful son, I love him more than life itself, and will always be proud of the way he manages to cope with this overwhelming, sensory saturated world we live in. He is my hope, my inspiration, and my heart.
And this is what the tree looked like when we were all done.
Holidays have a way of being overwhelming to the general population. They are much more so to a child with special needs. We have now entered the most stressful time of all. Most people can handle the bombardment of sensory input with a certain amount of ease. These special children have a harder time. They can not process all the input coming at they from every direction. These children are on overload, from the word go.
My son is one of these children. I have been dreading the holidays for this reason. I have been expecting melt down after melt down. Tantrum after tantrum. As well as a few bruises along the way. I can't say what the rest of this season will bring, but so far my son has blown me away with his ability to deal with Thanksgiving. We went to my aunts house as usual, Will brought his laptop to use as a way of calming himself. He was a little withdrawn, but that's OK. With so many people there, and a TV loudly playing a football game, I'm really not surprised. When it came time to eat, he tried a few things I asked him to, (even though he didn't want them) and almost cleaned his plate. He asked to be excused, he thanked people for moving for him so he could leave the table. He thanked my aunt and uncle for the meal. When he had had enough, he quietly asked if we could leave. So we left. No dessert for us, (but then again I REALLY don't need it). We brought left overs to my parents house--my mother's on bed rest and so my parents didn't go--Will played a little there. My parents asked him questions, he told them quietly and calmly he didn't want to answer questions. When they continued, he got a little agitated, but remained in control.
We got home and had a quiet evening, with mo melt downs. This is usually the time where he falls apart. He holds it together so well for so long and then the least little thing will send him over the edge. But not tonight! Went to bed and fell asleep quickly.
We woke this morning, had a quiet morning, I put the tree together. He was patient, but told me frequently that he wanted me to take a break and play with him. When I was done with the tree, he actually helped me for a little while, I stopped and played. Then I set on the lights. Again he offered to help for a short while, encouraging me when he saw I was getting frustrated. Told me it was OK and I could stop for a while o play with him since he missed me and didn't want me to get angry. I stopped, we played, we laughed, and I got back to work.
When I was done with the lights I asked him if he was ready to help put up the decorations. He said "Not now." We waited. I asked 3 times, every time I got the same response. I finally, with a frustrated tinged voice, asked him to pick a time. The cracks appeared. He told me he didn't want to put the decorations up, he wanted to get out of the house. We went to the library. He researched hamsters, and took out three books on them to read at home. I got out the decorations, he stated he would put on the garlands, and that I could take a picture of him holding them in his hands. I must admit, I took advantage. I turned off the sound to my phone a took a few more.
The rest of the evening passed in giggles and smiles. There was no arguments over dinner, meds, bath, or brushing teeth. We went upstairs at 7pm and read the rest of a book we were already reading from the library, and he quickly fell asleep, even with protest that he was too tired to sleep.
I must admit, I was relieved. I imagined full blown melt downs last night and most of today, but my boy is growing up. This of course doesn't mean I won't get them tomorrow, or somewhere throughout the rest of the season, but for now things are good. We will keep things very low key for the next month, hoping to continue this good fortune, but there's too much out there in the world for it not to affect him. Whatever happens, he is my beautiful son, I love him more than life itself, and will always be proud of the way he manages to cope with this overwhelming, sensory saturated world we live in. He is my hope, my inspiration, and my heart.
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| This is the only authorized picture in the bunch |
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Anxiety
So I've been feeling like my heart is going to jump out of my chest, I feel all jittery without any energy (no fair) and all panicky, like I feel when I know I've screwed up and I'm about to have a confrontation about it. I called a friend since I can't afford a Dr without a real reason ( and then not even then really these days). She told me not to worry, it's probably just a panic attack. Great, this has lasted all week. Seriously it was just over a week when this started. I've tried to slow my heart but guess what? I just took my pulse tonight (apical, with a stethoscope to make sure it was accurate) it was only 74. There's no way my heart is racing, so why does it feel like it is? Like the other shoe is about to drop and it will be bad, really bad? I don't know. But maybe it has something to do with the creditors calling several times a day, my husband not being my ex yet and even though he doesn't live here he treats the house like he still does? [I mean this morning he got here 25 minutes early. I was eating breakfast and as soon as I heard him walk in, I had a hard time eating. The stoma from the lap-band is small, and it gets smaller when I'm under a lot of stress. No wonder food has been difficult for me. Unfortunately, ice cream still goes down easy. ] Or could it have anything to do with the fact that my son tells me on an almost daily basis that he's sad, depressed, or feels like he wants to die? I don't know, maybe it's just stress over my Halloween costume I can't afford to buy now.......
I need to meditate, I know I do, I need to de-stress, I need to clear myself. I can't seem to get myself to focus enough to let it all go enough to do this though. I can still smile, that's something right? Most days I can count my blessing, at least some of them. 1. I have a roof over my head. 2. I have a family that loves me. 3. I have my son. 4. I have a job I like mostly. I know there are more, I'm just to tired and panicky to think of them right now. IF I can do that, things can't be too bad right? It will get better. IT WILL.
I mean hey, I found 2 heart rocks today on my walk. That has to be a sign that things will be fine.
right?
I need to meditate, I know I do, I need to de-stress, I need to clear myself. I can't seem to get myself to focus enough to let it all go enough to do this though. I can still smile, that's something right? Most days I can count my blessing, at least some of them. 1. I have a roof over my head. 2. I have a family that loves me. 3. I have my son. 4. I have a job I like mostly. I know there are more, I'm just to tired and panicky to think of them right now. IF I can do that, things can't be too bad right? It will get better. IT WILL.
right?
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