Very rough week

This last week has certainly been rough. It felt like I was being kicked in the teeth at every turn. My ex continues to anger and frustrate me due to his taking advantage of me and my home as often as possible. Work has been more stressful than usual with a lot of call outs, people threatening to quit, lack of support from my superiors, and filling in on multiple shifts beyond my regular shift. Then there is my son who is now lying and stealing from me. On top of all this, I've had 2 tire blow outs in 3 days, replaced them and then went for an alignment only to be told that I needed 2 ball joints as well. Can we say expenses I can't afford?

So yes, there has been a lot more stress than usual. I haven't been as positive as I could and should be this week. But you know what? That's ok, I think I'm allowed a little melt down or 2 (or 4-10) whatever.

But you know what? Through all this my ex was supportive in some ways, my boss gave me a break at the end of the week and even ran the errands I was supposed to. My son gave me hugs, giggles and a wonderful weekend devoid of a lot of stress.

While picking up my car ---cost way more than I originally thought---I got to see an old friend, and now my car is safe (well, at least safer), my mechanic is letting me make payments, my parents have the cutest little puppy (which I want to steal!) and I've been able to sit outside and read while listening to my son play with the neighbor kids and laugh.

So did I have a bad week? Yes, I absolutely did. Did I have some amazing moments this week? Yes, I absolutely did. Did my week end on a good note? Yes, yes it did.

Life isn't always perfect, in fact there are times we want to run away and quit our lives (or at least take a month long vacation from it) but if you hang in there, it is all good in the end and worth all the stress and heartache.

My life is good. Now for that vacation......

Anxiety

So I've been feeling like my heart is going to jump out of my chest, I feel all jittery without any energy (no fair) and all panicky, like I feel when I know I've screwed up and I'm about to have a confrontation about it.  I called a friend since I can't afford a Dr without a real reason ( and then not even then really these days).  She told me not to worry, it's probably just a panic attack.  Great, this has lasted all week.  Seriously it was just over a week when this started.  I've tried to slow my heart but guess what?  I just took my pulse tonight (apical, with a stethoscope to make sure it was accurate) it was only 74.  There's no way my heart is racing, so why does it feel like it is?  Like the other shoe is about to drop and it will be bad, really bad?  I don't know.  But maybe it has something to do with the creditors calling several times a day, my husband not being my ex yet and even though he doesn't live here he treats the house like he still does?  [I mean this morning he got here 25 minutes early.  I was eating breakfast and as soon as I heard him walk in, I had a hard time eating.  The stoma from the lap-band is small, and it gets smaller when I'm under a lot of stress.  No wonder food has been difficult for me.  Unfortunately, ice cream still goes down easy. ]  Or could it have anything to do with the fact that my son tells me on an almost daily basis that he's sad, depressed, or feels like he wants to die?  I don't know, maybe it's just stress over my Halloween costume I can't afford to buy now.......
I need to meditate, I know I do, I need to de-stress, I need to clear myself.  I can't seem to get myself to focus enough to let it all go enough to do this though.  I can still smile, that's something right?  Most days I can count my blessing, at least some of them. 1. I have a roof over my head. 2. I have a family that loves me.  3. I have my son.  4. I have a job I like mostly.  I know there are more, I'm just to tired and panicky to think of them right now.  IF I can do that, things can't be too bad right?  It will get better.  IT WILL.

I mean hey, I found 2 heart rocks today on my walk.  That has to be a sign that things will be fine.

right?