New perceptions

I have realized lately how negative I used to be.   Nothing ever went right for me. I had a bad marriage, I wasn't happy at work, I didn't see my friends (my husband made me feel horrible if I wanted to go out with friends-to the point that it was easier to just not go.)

See how easy it is to get trapped in these thoughts? I also was very lost in my faith. I stopped talking to GOD. I didn't stop believing exactly, I just lost my way, spent way too much time questioning rather than believing. I had turned my back on my GOD. It was a very lonely time in my life.

I knew that I had some accountability in the way my life was turning out, but everyone else got most of the blame. I mean, couldn't be me, right?

Then I had an epiphany, I decided to be positive, and I definitely became much more positive, but I still had a LONG LONG way to go. I just didn't realize it (yet).

Well, my husband left me for a 24 year old, my son fell apart and went into crisis, my mom kept getting sick, my dad was drinking heavily again, and what did I do? I held on to the anger, the hurt, and the pain.  I wrapped myself right up tight and didn't let go for anything.  I even nurtured those feelings.  I wasn't going to let go- no way, no how!  I had friends that encouraged me in their own way to keep holding onto those feelings.  I also had friends telling me to "Let go, and let GOD"  Well, how was I supposed to do that?  I was questioning my faith more than EVER.

Well, life continued on, as it usually will.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was changing my thought processes.  I was slowly pulling away from the friends who were subtly keeping me "stuck" and finding more people coming into my life who were GOD-like.  Who openly professed their love and faith in GOD, and whose messages made sense to me for the first time in so very long.  Whose messages made me feel better about myself and changed the way I think and feel.

In an earlier post I wrote about my changes in feelings towards my husband and our divorce. It's all true, it really is.  I have been awakened to the fact that even when I thought I was a much more positive person, I still had so very far to go.  This does not mean, that I am done on my journey to self discovery and the re-awakening of my faith in GOD.  Far from it.  I feel like I have just started this journey, but I am so filled with hope, happiness and peace that I am on this path and will follow it all my life.  I will strive to constantly grow in faith, love, optimism, and joy and hope that any who are interested will join me.  If not, I will still love you, but it will be from further and further away as I continue to grow.  I will not and can not let anyone stop me from my life.

This also does not mean that there won't be more posts where I need to vent, I mean hey, I'm only human and venting really helps me process my feelings and thoughts.  I hope you will understand.

I had to add this picture, owls remind me of my grandmother, one of the best women I've ever had the honor of knowing.  Her faith, love and joy were endless.

How can you not have faith in GOD, when HE gives us such beauty?

This is so true for everyone.  I am trying to live by this every day.

Again, from earlier posts, you might have heard that I've been sick for the last 2 weeks, and that I might not like being sick.  This is true, but I have come to think of it in a different way:  Every time I seem to get really sick, it is right around the time that my spirituality, faith, perceptions have changed and/or grown.  I have come to think of these episodes of being sick as a way of my body purging all the negativity from my body.  I'm getting the germs and "lack of" out of my body.  The lack of faith, love, joy, letting go of negative feelings and emotions.  So as much as I hate the feeling of being sick----I'm so excited at how amazing I will feel when I am "better".

Depression

I have struggled with depression for many years.  I was so happy when I was finally in therapy with an amazing counselor.  I was doing so well that I could go off my depression medication.  To finally be free, I hate taking medications, felt like I had finally conquered one of my demons.  This was also 3 weeks after I had had my lap-band surgery.  My life was on track. 
Three weeks later my husband and I sat down to talk.  We had been fighting, I can't speak for him, but for myself I was upset about his friendship with a younger woman.  So we talked.  I started by telling him I was concerned, he was taking this woman out every week for dinner ( he paid) with our son.  He took pictures and put them on the computer if her putting my son to bed.  She was doing her laundry at my house, hanging out at my house.  All of this was while I was at work.  I told him for our marriage (which had been very rocky for several years on and off) to work I needed him to back off his friendship with this other woman and go to marriage counseling with me.  His response was :"I want a divorce."
I know we had not been happy for a while, ( long while) but I was devastated.  He had told me all along while I voiced concerns over the previous months that I was crazy, he loved me, he married me, he wanted to make our marriage to work. To have it all fall apart in an instant was stunning.  He also maintained that he was only ever friends with this other woman (24 yrs old) but the next week he came clean and said that they were going to try to make their relationship work.  Wow, can we say sucker-punch?
A week after he ended our marriage ( but didn't move out for 5 months) my 7 year old son climbed into bed with me and told me "I'm mad at you."  Then proceeded to tell me that he was a girl and I wouldn't let him grow out his hair out or wear girls clothes.  Really?
I tell you this not to rehash but to share that through all this I didn't go back on depression medications!!  I was so proud of myself.  I continued with counseling and started the process of dealing with and moving forward with this new life I was given.  I was free of medications, I was a strong empowered woman.  I was a fool.
My therapist moved out of state, I couldn't afford to find a new one and was scared that I wouldn't find such a good match again.  On top of that I felt like I was abandoned by some of my good friends.  All of  "our friends" were first my husbands who I made an effort to get to know and befriend.  He always refused to put in the effort with my friends. 
My weight loss journey had been going so well up till this point.  I had lost 40 pounds.  But living with my husband who wasn't really my husband anymore, watching him get all dressed up and going out on dates with other women on the nights I didn't work or having him act like we were still married became too much.  I have since gained most of the weight back.  I have been eating my feelings.  I'm not proud of this.  I'm trying to get back on track.  I have also had some health issues during this time making working out almost impossible.
HE did move out eventually, but he is still at my house 5 days a week, using my electricity, heat, water etc.  He doesn't take our son to his house very often, or out at all, all in the name of it makes our son happier to be at the house.  More likely it's so husband can watch tv, ( records all his shows on my dvr box so he doesn't have to pay for one himself, saying he lets his dad use the tv at his place <lives with his daddy now>) and use my computer ( uses someones wifi at his place so he doesn't have to pay for internet).
Let's also be clear- it's been almost 2 years since he asked for a divorce but has not filed for one.  I realize that I will have to be the one to file, but I've been so busy dealing with everything that comes with a son with developmental disabilities.  Plus emotionally and mentally I'm not up for it right now.  He did pick up the papers last December and left them on the counter expecting me to fill out the paperwork for him.  When he asked me a week later why I hadn't done this I told him it was his job.  I'm not his mother, he can fill it out.  Yeah for me, I didn't "take care of him" like I used to throughout our marriage.  This is good right?
Sorry for all the ramblings down memory lane.  We'll skip the rest, at least for now.
Here's where I am now:  frustrated and resentful more than I can say.  Having gained most of my weight back, with no motivation to lose it again.  Will power has deserted me.  Curse you!!!!  And very depressed.  I have been in denial about my state of mind for a long time now.  I have eaten my feelings to numb myself and have that instant (short-lived) "good feeling".  I have also turned to crafts.  I have recently been told that crafts/art are my crack .  Well, If I'm going to be addicted to something, it's better than drugs or alcohol right?
An Art-filled life  is my blog about putting the art back into my life.
I didn't realize how depressed I was until my brother got married.  It was such a beautiful wedding, but I felt disassociated from it all. I didn't feel like I belonged, in the way, and useless.  That's not how it was only how I felt.  I also saw some pictures on facebook from the wedding a few days later and was so excited I copied them to my phone and re-posted them on my page.  I was not at my computer so I was unable to "share" them.  I re-tagged them with my brother and sister-in-laws names on them not even thinking about it.  Well, my brother sent me a very nice e-mail saying he was a little concerned about me tagging their photographers pictures as my own.  It was a mistake right?  No big deal.  I took the pictures down immediately and sent off an e-mail apologizing and explaining that I was also told that I was told during the reception that she was not the paid photographer.  ( I didn't realize there was 2 paid photographers)  OK, so I fixed the problem and apologized.  Then why did I feel like I was the worst person/sister in the world?  Why did I feel like I was also the stupidest person in the world.  Silly right?  That was the moment I realized I need help.  That was a week ago.  I'm trying to do the work on my own.  I'm overwhelmed, I'm tired and trying to stay positive.  This is my journey.........