Dating is hard

Ok, so dating itself isn't hard, it's just finding the time that's hard. The reason it is so hard is because my ex and I have made an agreement that when we start seeing someone, we won't introduce our significant other to Will for 6 months. While I'm sure this is frustrating for my ex (not anymore because he has been with the same woman for 8+ months) it is much more so for me.

The reason I say this is because my ex had 4 days a week every week in which to be with someone, getting to know her and developing a relationship. This is not the case for me. I have 3 days (the days the ex watches Will) in which I work 12+ hour days and have no time or energy to date. The other 4 days I have Will. So my only real time to spend with a guy are Wednesday and Thursday 9a-3p. I also have at most 2 Fridays a month in which my parents can take Will for a sleep over.

Are you getting the picture? It's pretty tough..... This hadn't been an issue in the past, in fact I spent 2 years convinced I would never be with another guy ever. Partly because of my schedule, largely in part because of my marriage and the scars it left, but also because (if I'm being totally, brutally honest....) I didn't think anyone would want to date me. I'm not saying that for sympathy, it's just a statement of fact. It doesn't mean that I don't think I'm worth loving, I know I am. I know I'm a good person.

However, I have met someone. Who knows where it will go, it's still very new. I find myself thinking about him throughout the day, sending silly emails throughout the day and looking forward to talking to him at night. I do wish we could spend more time together, but if we can make it through this 6 month period......well, let's not get too ahead of ourselves. One day at a time......and I'm enjoying my days, and my nights.....

Back in the dating world. Yikes!

So here we are, I've been alone for over 2 years now, I did kind of, sort of date one guy a few months ago, but that was just.....I don't even know how to categorize it honestly. I have recently put myself out there by joining eharmony. This is something I have always said I would never do. It just seems unnatural in some way. However I've been pleasantly surprised. I've met a couple of nice guys.

After about a week I was starting to feel very uncomfortable, hadn't really gotten any responses. Then I realized that that was fine. Why is that fine you ask? Because I'm not looking to have a serious relationship with 20-30 guys. I'm ultimately looking for that one special guy to spend the rest of my life with and to be my best friend.

How strange to look forward to getting an email from a special guy as we get to know each other, but that's exactly what is happening. I find myself checking my phone several times a day just so I don't miss one and can respond quickly. Is it strange that I get that "tingly" feeling when I haven't even met someone yet?

Oh well, it is what it is. I'm just taking it one day at a time, one email, and maybe soon one phone call at a time.... I may be looking for my best friend, but I have no expectations as to when that will happen. Has it already? Will it soon? I don't know, but I'm enjoying this journey and where ever it takes me is where I'm meant to be.

I hope you find the pleasure in your journey. Have a wonderful day everyone.

Tingles

Wow. I can't remember the last time I felt like this. I am daydreaming half the time when not forced to concentrate on Will or work.

Nothing has happened, all I've done is flirt when I go in for coffee. (Although I've bought a LOT more coffee than I normally would). I have not "put myself out there" as far as dating. Partly because I didn't feel it was right as I'm still married, even if it's only on paper. But I think the most important reason was I deserved to take the time to process everything that was going on with the separation, my son, my parents, my work. I also deserved to take the time to find me. I've been the model staff, daughter, sister, mother, wife and friend for so long I had lost Emily. If I was ever questioning the validity of that, I had an amazing friend to let me know I was not the same person I had been.

Now, I don't mean that she expected me to be the exact person I was in high school and college, but that I had lost such a big part of what made me me over the years.

I have spent the last 2 years sad, angry, lonely, happy, scared, tired, depressed and terrified.

I have also worked hard to find my own way. I have learned that it's ok to not have the answers, it's ok to be scared and any and all feelings. But the most important thing I've learned so far is that I'm enough, I am ok, I WILL be ok. I can be a mom, daughter, sister, staff, friend, and still be ME.

I feel like I am finally read to "put myself out there". If I find someone great! If I don't, that's ok too. I've learned I can be by myself and there's a kind of freedom and ease knowing I can be happy without someone else.

I have to say, I'm enjoying these "tingly" feelings. I feel ready to be out there. It's scary, but exciting.

I've taken the time I needed for myself. I don't feel like I NEED anyone, but I'd like to have someone. I am not looking for a serious relationship, but I'm open to one developing.

I am right where I should be. I am blessed. (Let's hope he asks me out or I get the courage to ask him out? It's been almost 18 years since I've had a date. I wonder what's changed, what's proper etiquette?)

Wish me luck!! I like the tinglies!