A New Year...

It is January 3 2013 and I finally have a moment to sit down and contemplate my last year, and really visualize this year I find myself beginning. Last year was rough in many ways, and in many more was quite a blessing.

The year started with Will in crisis, filling out paperwork and then waiting for the call from Spring Harbor (children's psychiatric hospital). The call came, none too soon, and we prepared for Will to go stay at the hospital....he was so excited to go to the hospital to stay so they would help him not hurt so much all the time. So as you can see, it was MUCH harder on me than it was for Will. February 2 was the day, his dad met me at the hospital to do the admitting paperwork/meeting. We went on a short tour showing us the ward Will would be staying, found out when we could visit etc.... Gave Will hugs and kisses and left with a broken heart. I was there visiting everyday, (except Sundays as I work all day every Sunday and his dad was there on those days) on days I had to work, I would go and have lunch with Will in the cafeteria. This was the longest six weeks of my life, but Will was thriving... I ran out of oil and spent almost a week with no heat in my house but I consoled myself that at least Will was warm at SH.

Will returned home mid March so much happier than he went into the hospital. We had services for him in the home and his classmates were happy he was back. Will had learned how to stand up for himself a little better at school, and he knew what types of behaviors he was willing to be around and what didn't serve him. This caused problems at school, his best friend still struggles and didn't like that Will didn't always choose to be around him when he was struggling. So he and another child started to bully and give Will a hard time at school.

I served my husband with divorce papers late March, which made him angry and wondering what other unpleasant surprises I had for him. (He had left me over 2 years before for a 24 year old girl, was in and out of relationships with younger women, and was finally in a relationship with an adult woman for 2-3 months- so he WASN'T alone, but all this had been his choice, not mine. I just needed to move on and if he wasn't going to file for divorce than my hand was forced so I could finally move on with my life.) It isn't final yet...... There seems to be one stumbling block after another for him, always a day or two before we have a court date to finalize. Can I say BEYOND frustrating?

Will started fifth grade this year, he asked to join the drama club at school! This is the first time he has taken an active interest in joining a club/sport/whatever....EVER! So we let him join, it quickly became apparent that it was very overwhelming for him to be in the group, so we rearranged his staffing services so that staff was able to support him during drama. Unfortunately he has since refused to continue as it is still too overwhelming for him. I am hoping that in a week or two he can be coaxed into trying again with staff providing more support for him. He continues to be bullied at school, they say they are working on it with an anti-bullying program at the school.

This summer I had my worst MS flare-up ever and was down for the count for about a month and ended up on 5 days of IV steroids. (I hate steroids!) My work has had it's ups and downs. My manager (who I enjoyed working for but who was extremely burnt out) quit, I got a new manager who was wonderful, but had come back from medical leave early and wasn't equipped to work in new houses, I tried to support him as much as I could but I felt more directionless than ever.....In October I was called into the office and told that my manager was out on medical leave again and would not be coming back. I continued the best I could with no direction at all, a week later I was told they had promoted someone else to be the manager and I was being pulled out of my homes, away from my clients, and put in new programs with 4 new clients. I was upset, I didn't want to leave my clients...I was given no reason why I had to move....had a new manager who was so busy with openings and overworked that now, on January 3 I still have not had the opportunity to sit down and talk with her about what her expectations are for me. 2 months went by at my new houses, I had a worse schedule, lots of stress about who would watch Will on Wednesday nights as his dad doesn't watch him on Wednesdays (only Sunday-Tuesday) because he is at his girlfriends. My parents offered to keep Will wednesday overnights which was wonderful and Will enjoyed it, but it messed up his routine and sleep pattern which was already in a bad cycle. Will would come home and work with his staff, at the end of her shift she would drive Will 20 minutes away to my parents. Over time my dad offered to drive Will back in the morning so I didn't have to drive out there every Thursday morning before school. Well, just as everything was falling into place and I was getting comfortable with my clients and their needs/routines I was called into the office again and pulled to 2 new houses, 4 new clients- same manager. I started 2 days ago. The schedule is minutely better, a lot more physical work, but less of the mental..... We shall see how long I am allowed to stay here before I get pulled with no explanation....

The holidays are always stressful, Will even threatened himself with a knife to his neck last week. I hoping this is only because of the added stress of holidays and vacations, but have no fear, I have locked up all sharps and am consulting his drs etc....

As you can see, it's been quite a year. I am not sharing this for anyone to feel bad for me. This is to show what Will and I have overcome. We survived all this, and have come out stronger. This is not to say I was grateful for the struggles while they happened, but looking back I am so grateful for everything we have gone through, struggled with, hated at the time, celebrated. Will for all his struggles lately is still solo much better than he was a year ago. He even bought me a Christmas present for the first time EVER, which makes this the best Christmas ever for me even though I had to miss my family Christmas for work on Christmas Eve and day. My divorce should be final tomorrow (fingers crossed!), and this is a new year and who knows what it will look like....personally, I am putting out the energy that it will be a great year for Will, and me. I expect struggles, grief, heartache and worry....I expect there will be much more celebrating, laughing and loving than the other stuff. I will take it all in stride (as much as I am able) and be grateful for it all. I will embrace this life of mine, and do everything in my power to make this Wills best year ever!

I had planned on no New Years resolutions this year, but as I write this I realize that I have one....to make this the best year ever for my son.... Happy New Year every one, I hope this year brings you health, happiness, peace and blessings (as much as I wish it for Will and myself ;~})

Hard lessons to learn

So I have had a roller coaster of a couple of weeks. Work has been crazy, and very overwhelming. I've worked long hours to cover other staff, I have and have not been backed up by my superiors. I have had silly, frustrating, and down right discouraging arguments with my soon-to-be-ex. I have had wonderful and trying moments with my wonderful son Will.

I have gotten to see an old friend from high school and his 2 beautiful little boys. We had a wonderful time hanging here at the house, and going to the beach. (if you follow my other blog: emilysperspective@blogspot.com then you already know the exploits of the beach, my raccoon eyes, and my very painful sunburn to shoulders and upper back. If you don't, then you can check it out there)

My parents took Will for an overnight last night so that I could have an adult overnight of my own. It was so much appreciated. I have to say, I have met an amazing man. Last night we just hung out, he helped me cook dinner- when he's cooked for me he wasn't happy with the dinner, when I've cooked for him I wasn't happy. Last night we cooked together and I think it turned out perfect. He gave me a foot massage that felt amazing and watched a movie. Then went to bed.

My overnight was just what I needed. It's amazing what having a man who cares about you, and WANTS to take care of you will do for your overall emotional well-being. I mean here is a man who was more concerned with me and my wants/needs than his own. I have to admit- I love this, but it is a little scary too. I mean, I can't remember the last time someone treated me this well.

Now, I don't want any misunderstanding, my soon-to-be-ex wasn't/isn't a bad man. He has a lot of good qualities and can be caring in his own way, when he wants to be. Also, it takes 2 people to end a marriage and I know I played my part, some of which was that I pushed him away as the years went on. See? I've grown- I can admit to my past faults (I say past-cause now I'm perfect. lol)

So, what have I learned the last 2 weeks? Well, I've learned that at work I need to put up some clear boundaries so I am not taken advantage of anymore. I also need to hold my boss, and co-workers accountable for their responsibilities. With the ex I need to work on clear communication and clearly expressing my needs and expectations no matter what he says and how he tries to make me feel so I back down. Stand strong Emily!! Don't back down! Stand up for yourself and Will. I deserve to be heard, and respected without being taken advantage of. And as for the new man, I'm working on accepting help, letting someone be there for me who wants to do things to make my life easier. This one is the most challenging, I won't lie, but I'll keep working on it.

And from Will, as always I continue to learn patience, unconditional love, acceptance, and a list too long to finish. I have managed to take time out of my crazy schedule to spend some wonderful time with Will and just have fun and be.....

Dick's Sporting Goods

Today was the day.  Will and I started getting ready to go and claim his winnings.  We discussed strategies for when he might start to feel overwhelmed.  He decided a stress ball and his DS were all he needed.  I was very proud of him.

Before we left I received a phone call from one of my relief staff.  She was concerned about when and who was coming in to relieve her.  I explained I had found coverage the day before and she would be arriving momentarily.  Well, the second staff agreed to work today, thinking she was agreeing to work next Sunday. (She works her other job today)  CRAP!  Staff that was stuck at work has a small child at home with a babysitter that can't drive and needs to get to work too.  Well, I started making calls and texts to figure out what was going on and how I could fix it.  Let me first state that I was NOT at work, and therefore not obligated to do anything, but I felt bad, and felt somewhat responsible.  While trying to figure it all out I received 2 phone calls and a text from the staff person.  I was busy so I didn't answer. ( I was working on helping her, and again, not under an obligation to talk to her using my cell(or home phone) when I don't get reimbursed for texts or phone calls from the company) When I finally was able to text her, she had sent me 4 more texts.  Each one more angry than the next.  I finally called her, she started yelling at me on the phone, I couldn't get a word in, I finally raised my voice and told her (not sure she heard me over her yelling) I was going to hang up the phone if she wouldn't calm down and listen to me.  She didn't stop, I hung up after telling her to call the emergency cell phone.  Then had 6 texts after this.  She was verbally and textally(sp?) abusive and rude to me.  This all happened as I was trying to get out the door and get to Dick's.  I still feel horrible for her and her son.  I still feel guilty that I couldn't fix it for her, and I still can't let it go.  I need to just take a deep breath and let it go.  When we got home, I called the emergency cell and explained what had happened, thinking she had called, she hadn't.  I now have to go into the office tomorrow and show all the texts between us and explain the whole interaction to the associate director.  Now I feel guilty for getting her in trouble and possibly losing her job over this, because I really do understand how angry and panicked she must have felt.  I have been stuck at work before when I needed to be somewhere else and it sucks.  However, it's the name of the game.  When anyone is hired for the company, it is explained that because our jobs are with humans, we may run into mandatory overtime.  Everyone hopes it never happens, and hates it when it does, but it's a part of the job.  Anyway, I'm sorry.

So, now on to the good part of the day.  The store!  We walked in, stood in line, signed in, Will was given a shirt and name tag.  We were paired up with a staff person, and off we went!  I'm pretty sure we walked the store at least 3 times as Will weighed his options.  He was definitely more interested in quantity over quality.  He didn't want ANYTHING that was very expensive.  He just wanted a lot of stuff.  His face lit up when he realized he could get whatever he wanted, within reason--we only had $100 to spend.  Also, we somehow didn't calculate right and when we got to the register to cash out, we had $124 dollars worth of stuff.  Uh-oh-- I figured, Will would have to put the shirt back.  But no!  They paid for the extra $24!!!!  How awesome was that?  Will was so intent on what he was doing, he didn't need his stress ball or DS.  He was great.  He was super excited when he saw free donuts from Dunkin Donuts too.  He
 had a boston cream, a boy after my own heart......

Oh goodness, where to start......

debating the virtues of basketballs, he ended up with a small ball (less expensive)

happy with his bargain ball.

wandering the store...

baseball section

A bat costs how much??????  No thanks!

This is all the loot we brought home.  WOW

Once we got home, he lost no time getting that soccer ball out and the cones.  He showed me "his skills".  He even told me he was "magnificent" really?  He is complimenting himself!!!!!! OMG!  He never says nice things about himself.  He usually gets angry if anyone compliments him, because he doesn't believe it.  I love my child!

His mad skills!

Yes, he's magnificent!

Yes, the boy has skills

But he really needs to be wearing sneakers. ;-)

dribbling...

Kick the ball mom!

So, I may have had a rough start to my day, it might have been bothering me all day, but I look at these pictures, and remember the look on his face.  Today was an awesome day!  Thank you God for blessing me and my son today.