A Walk.....

yesterday I decided that sitting around not eating was not helping. I have a lot to think about, I also need to be moe active. So I went for a walk.

The GreenBelt is a bike/walking path very close to my home. I haven't walked more than a mile in a very long time. Yesterday, I walked for an hour. I walked 4 miles. Not too bad.....

I got a lot of thinking done, not a lot of answers, nothing is any clearer, but I think I am on my way. I hope I am. If you read my earlier post from yesterday you know that I am kind of a bundle of insecurities and an emotional mess right now. That's ok, I know I will figure it all out, I know that I will be fine, I don't have to have all the answers, I also don't have to be happy every moment. But it sure stinks being stuck feeling so lost, emotional and insecure.

I don't think stress/life/whatever has ever affected me so strongly before. (This is where I think hormones are playing a part) I have barely eaten anything in 4&1/2 days. (I had 4 triscuits the other night, a bowl of tomato soup/ string cheese and a cup of homemade apple sauce yesterday). I just have no appetite. My stomach is telling me its hungry, but my head is saying......bleck. I'm almost nauseous looking at food. I will find myself thinking "hmm, I'm hungry" and I will go to the kitchen to get something. As soon as I start looking, I'm done. Don't want it. On top of this, I have just realized how dehydrated I am. Last night my tibialis anteriors both started cramping up on me. A sure sign of dehydration....

When a person wakes in the morning, one of the first thoughts is: I have to pee. I woke this morning without this urge. At 10:30 (while at the office) I finally felt like I had to pee. There wasn't much, and what was there was a dark orange color. I've taken enough A&P classes, and am smart enough to know that this is not good. Not at all. It is now 1:30 in the afternoon, and I still haven't been able to make myself drink. What is going on? Other than feeling a little lightheaded, tired (but I'm also not sleeping that great) and my legs being sore from all the cramping I'm feeling ok- just hope I can figure out the emotional turmoil and how to take care of myself in that respect. If I can do that, I think the rest will fall into place........

Visit

I visited Will for lunch today. It was a good visit. I watched him make his own pb & j sandwich, heard about how his day at school was going, got my new drawing assignment-- a picture of the whole Mario group-- oy vey. Should be interesting.

When he was done, he had a little time and chose to go outside and walk around the building. I was able to go with him. It was such a great time. Though all too soon it was over, I gave him a hug and a kiss as he went back upstairs to school and I came home alone.

I will be back tomorrow, and every other day (m-sat) to visit with my amazing and brave little (ok, not so little) boy. I love him so very much.

Anxiety part three

So I went to the drs today. They did an EKG. Then I talked to the dr. The good news: my heart is fine. Strong regular heart beat, not enlarged, no sign of any distress. The bad news: surprise! It's stress and depression. I am being put back on depression meds, was told to go for walks, talk to a good friend, cry, reduce the stress in my life.
Here's my problem with that: there's nothing I can really do to reduce the stress in my life, it is all out of my hands. (I am trying to work on how I deal with that stress, really I am). Going for a walk is hard but not impossible. I'm so tired all the time I just have to break this cycle and get out there and do it. Talking to a friend, well, I only have one friend that I talk to regularly, she has so much on her plate, and let's get real here- who wants to hear someone constantly talking about all the problems? I know she would get sick of me real soon if I complained any more. (I'm trying to be more positive in my thoughts and words and deeds). The last thing is crying- he thinks I should cry a lot. I hate to cry, I am so programed now that I am fighting to stop the tears as soon as they start (which is all the time now), I also can't stand being all stuffy during and after as well as my eyes hurt for hours after 2 min of crying, if I really let go they would never feel ok again!
So, this journey has thrown a few more curves into it, but who wants to walk down a straight road anyway right? Right? I know I'll be fine and will come out as a stronger, more empowered, more compassionate woman. Now if I could only learn acceptance, every time I think I've accepted and let go of my "stuff" it rises up to bite me once again. When will I learn the lessons I'm being taught?