What a wonderful Christmas

Even though I had to work last night while my family had their Christmas Eve together....family, fun, laughter, love (and Wills favorite....presents). Even though I am at work now and have been since noon today (at a new house- and certainly not a favorite one). Even though Will threw up last night and had diarrhea last night and this morning.....

This has been a wonderful Christmas. My son earned money and bought me a present for the first time ever, my family was more generous than I deserve, I watched my so write a note to Santa last night that asked for his granny's back to be better and the excitement in his eyes when he came down the stairs and saw that Santa HAD come, brought presents, filled his stocking, eaten the cookies, drank the nog, and left him a note in return. All these things make this the best Christmas EVER!!! Just like Will said- this Christmas is OUT OF THIS WORLD!!!

I don't need things to be perfect, or even close....all I need isn't family and friends to know that I love and treasure them all year long. Will, my family and my friends are what makes Christmas wonderful- whether we are together or apart...you all have a very special place in my heart. I love you all and feel very blessed tonight.

So far so good

Well, it's been over 24 hours and the only real struggle was when dad made Will go back to SH. (dad "needed" his iPod so desperately, even though he has 2 others). I was able to run his plan and help Will manage himself and his feelings. He was awesome.

Today the only blip was when he changed his mind about a shower. I made it clear that he needed to shower and wash his hair well (the night before he showered and only washed the back of his hair? What's up with that?). He wasn't happy, but didn't take it past telling me he wasn't happy. How awesome is that?

It was a great day at school, and then he had a friend come over. He's had 2 friends write/draw him cards in the last 2 days saying how glad they are to have him back and that he's their best friend.

We had dinner out with granny and papa. He has had such an awesome day that after the shower he earned a guitar (inflatable) and he rocked out for me. I feel truly blessed.

A very long week

This week started off feeling completely hopeless. I ran out of oil Sunday, the same day my van decided to say goodbye. Now Sundays are the only days of the week I work all day and can't see Will. Every other day I can at least see him for 20 minutes while he eats lunch. Monday I was called telling me I could not come for lunch due to Will struggling. (I found out later that day that he lost my visit as punishment NOT supposed to happen!!!!!!!) I went Tuesday for lunch. I was very anxious to see him not only because of the previous day, but also because he is my only Valentine.

Again they refused to let me see him. This time because he was in the middle of a crisis. I did see his hand from behind a mat (he was trying to hit staff) I left his valentine cards
And gifts at the nurses station and cried as I left, feeling more alone than I thought possible.

However, not all was lost, I changed my way of thinking, and on Tuesday I was able to have oil delivered. (didn't have heat till Thursday as I was at work when they delivered oil so no one was there to let the guy in to bleed the line and start furnace.)

My parents let me borrow their car, and I'm still borrowing it. My father also took me out Friday to look at cars and bought me one on the spot. I can't say how appreciative and grateful I am to my parents for their help and support, but I also kind of feel like a loser for being 38 and unable to buy my own car. Oh well, I'm a work in progress and trying to not beat myself up too much for needing help. Especially since there is so much going on in my life right now.

I was also able to visit Will weds, thurs and Friday!! He has been in very good spirits all three days. Even with his med and dietary changes. I look forward to seeing him again today and enjoy music group with him. It seems to be the only place where Will can/will tolerate my singing. Then I will go pick up my mom (she's without a car since I'm borrowing hers till I pick up my new car at the beginning of the week) and we will go back to SH to visit with Will.

Then we will go visit my grandfather who is not doing well at all. He's getting more confused and depressed by the day. He is very clear (and has been all his life) that this is not how he wants to live. Although I love him dearly and want him with me for as long as possible our whole family has started to pray that he does not see his next birthday (march 2). He is an amazing man and I love him with all my heart.

As for other blessings this week: I went to pick up the van and they waived the $40 fee for looking at it. Also, I got 2 iced coffees yesterday for the price of one. May not sound like a lot, but I was grateful and that second coffee came in mighty handy. ;~). Also, at Trader Joes when explaining why I was buying so many cards (cashier asked first) she took down Wills name and said she was going to ask if TJ's could put together a package for him and send it. WOW! How amazing!!!!!!

And to top it all off, my mother connected with the wife of a Patriots football player a while back. She is sending Will cards, and has asked for a list of his favorite things so she can get a care package together for him. How blessed am I to have so many people care about my son. My faith has certainly been renewed this last week. To go from depression, fear, and such a sense of being overwhelmed to having hope, faith, acceptance, help, and love. I have a deep sense of gratitude to everyone who has and is supporting Will and myself. To everyone who has offered any and all help: thank you so very much. I feel so blessed to have you in my life. I love and appreciate you so very much.

Here are a few pictures from Will's valentine present.

His favorite reason was that he's cute. ;~)

William

I have spent A LOT of time thinking, worrying, praying over my son.  Wishing I could make it right for him.  Make his journey a little easier.  Fix all his problems, and feeling incredibly guilty that I can't.  I mean, I'm his mom, I should be fixing this stuff.  

I know, I know, this is very unrealistic of me.  No one has the power to do what I feel I should except God, and He has his reasons for everything he does.  I know in my head that I am doing all I can, and I'm doing enough, I really do.  The problem is my heart just won't acknowledge this information.  My heart refuses to accept that I am not a super hero with the ability to make everything right.

I don't know if my heart will ever catch up to my brain, or if this is really just a "mom thing".  Are we mothers destined to always feel like a failure with our children?  Or am I just overly hard on myself as an individual?  I really don't know the answer to this question, and doubt I ever will.

Anyway, As I've been pondering and worrying, I had my mother fill out a form to nominate Will for a $100 gift card to DICK'S SPORTING GOODS.  I had mom do this because she is the most eloquent person I know with the written word.  I am not a writer, no mater how much I pretend to be on my blog. But then again, I am a work in progress, so I guess I am a writer in progress too?  Ha!

I received a phone call from my mom today telling me that she got a phone call about the gift card.  They want Will at the store Sunday at 10am.  I don't know if he won, but I think it's a good guess!  I got the morning off from work to take him.  Yeah!  Like I'd miss that opportunity!  Tomorrow I am going to meet a new person who will be working with Will every week in the home.  This will be on things like tying his shoes, safety and appropriateness in the community, and other life skills.  Yeah!  We have been without anyone for 2 months!  So excited!

So, not only are we getting section 28 (the in home support mentioned above) and most likely a gift card for Will, all this is more than I ever hoped for for Will, but I received a call saying that he has been picked up for section 65 again!  This means we will have behavioral supports in the home!  I meet with the woman Thursday.  What a week.  This unfortunately does not mean anything will change as far as Spring Harbor, but it does mean that we have more help and support until this happens, and hopefully when he comes home as well.

I am so full of gratitude today I could just burst!  May not seem like too much to most people, but all these things are huge to me.  I started out the week very depressed thinking I could not afford to get Will Christmas presents, and stressed and guilty over this.  I still can't afford Christmas presents, but so what?  We will have the support he needs to get through this very stressful time.  I will be there with all the love I can give, and it will be a great Christmas anyway.  I am truly blessed this holiday season.