My heart is heavy today

We have had a very hard week here on our jaunt...it started with probably the worst melt down in Wills history. He was to the point where I asked staff to call the police while we were at the mall. 

From there it got marginally better, but still a bad week. He had another melt down the next day, had a VERY quiet weekend at home, then Monday he bolted from the bus line refusing to come home on the bus. He hid (and well enough that the teachers jumped in cars and drove through the neighborhood)in the bushes. When he got home he had another difficult time. 

Today I took him to the psychiatrist office for a med review.  It was decided to try to up his risperidone. We will see if that helps. His dad brought up a question that I had which is:  do we have staff too many days?  Is it too much for him?  I just don't know. They are there to support him and give him the skills he needs, but is it too much all at once?  He has services 6 days a week. He has section 65 three days a week. This is the behavioral services to help with the aggression and learning to use his coping skills.  Then we have section 28 specialized coming 3 days a week as well. They help with coping skills, but are more about helping Will learn the life skills  he needs to survive in the world, such as: tying shoes, blowing nose, healthy food choices, safety in the community, learning and performing chores around the house (making bed, folding and putting away clothes, unloading dishwasher, etc...)

All of these things are so important for him. He needs all of these things...but is it too much?  Do we need to back off? Is this a case of less is more?  I don't know. All I know is that Will is REALLY having a hard time and showing many unsafe behaviors, and he has been talking about suicide more often as well. 

I feel like my heart is breaking because I am his mom. It's my job to fix this.  It's my job to support him and help him find his way, but I feel like lately I've been failing him miserably. 

I know I'm doing the best I can, but what do you do when you feel like your best isn't good enough?  What do you do when you don't have the answers to the important questions that need to be answered?

The first picture is of Wills apology letter to the school staff for running off. The second is his list of reasons why he hates riding the bus.  The third is what he wrote about me last Friday when I didn't let him do what he wanted to do.  The last is of Will relaxing on Saturday. He does great when he has no demands and can choose his activities.....

Strip search

I know I've already talked about not breaking the law and why (strip search).

I am in the middle of an investigation at work. Someone stole some money for one of my clients. (Pisses me off that someone would do this to a person with DD, let alone any one). I was the last person on record to see the money so I am under investigation as is at least one other staff. I have worked for this company for almost 13 years so it pisses me off to think they might really suspect me. However I do understand the need for the investigation.

I went in and spent almost 2 hours being interviewed and writing my statement. Then I get a call asking me to come in for another interview. When I said yes, I was told it was at the OOB police station----WHAT? Ok, kind of freaked out, went in on Monday, wrote out a statement at the police station, was asked what should happen to the person who stole (if caught). I responded they should be fired and have to make restitution. I was then asked "Is that ALL that should happen in your opinion?". I got a little confused and said I didn't know what else would be appropriate.

During the course of the interview I was told that my car was seen at the house at noon on the day in question. I almost crapped my pants right there! Even while telling the police and my manager where I was at noon-- at SH visiting my son (had to sign in so they have a record of me being there whew!) all I could think about was getting strip searched. The interview was concluded and I left. I freaked out all the way home. I know I didn't take the money. (I don't steal, especially from people who have so little and who can't protect themselves from things like this.) this did not stop my mind from spinning out of control for about an hour. I watch too many court, lawyer, cop shows. All I could imagine was how on most of my favorite shows they always start by arresting a couple innocent people. OMGoodness!!!! That's me! They are going to arrest me! I'm going to go to jail until they catch the right person! (like stealing less than $100 will land me in jail as if it was murder). It isn't the thought of sitting in a jail cell for a few hours or days that upsets me so much, might be a nice break from my crazy life. Again, it all comes down to the strip search. I can't handle the thought of a strip search.

Can you tell I'm scared of having to go through one? I still don't think they'd be happy to perform one on me. They might ask for a raise after. However, once I reeled my imagination in I realized that I AM innocent, so I really don't have to worry about the search, or jail, or being fired. Again, whew!

I REALLY REALLY would NEVER do anything that would result in a strip search. The police cant handle this much woman!