Breathe, just breathe

Well, it's been a few days.  Sunday was the last great day Will has had.  That is not to say he has had a horrible time of things, but he has had several very hard moments at school every day since.  The school photocopied some of the notes he wrote. " I feel every bad feeling mixed together.  It makes myself feel like I'm going to die."
"I hate everybody especially myself."

This just breaks my heart.  That he feels this way and I can't help him.  In home support is starting and will hopefully help.  Last night while laying in bed, he started picking at himself.  This has become quite the habit.  He has scars all over his face, his ear is particularly bad.  I asked him not to and tried to distract him.  He told me it made him feel better, but couldn't articulate why.  All he would say is that he hates himself.  He makes me want to cry.

Then when he had stopped picking he asked me how old you have to be to get a sex change operation. (his words were "how old do you have to be to have surgery to go from a boy to a girl?"  I told him that had to wait till a person was an adult.  He said "oh"  Then told me that he wanted me to fix his hair like a girl, in ponytails and braids.  I reminded him that hair had to be long enough for that and his wasn't there yet.  He does know that he is growing his hair out longer so it will just take time.

As you can see, I still think of Will as a he.  It gets difficult sometimes, when Will actively acts and addresses himself as a boy, but then sometimes will let you know that Will is Willow, a girl.  I'm trying to figure out how to address Will, how to make it right and let him/her know that I love Will for Will, not because Will is a boy or a girl.  I can only hope it helps that I support whatever Will wants (as long as it doesn't hurt Will) and that his father will be just as supportive of Wills journey of self discovery.

Life has not been easy for this little kid, and it doesn't look like it will be getting easier anytime soon.  Please pray for Will.........and I will continue to breathe.........