God doesn't give more than we can handle

I've heard this for many years. It's not that I don't believe it....... I just need to stop testing the theory.

Last week my world changed when I was told my job was changing- different hours, different houses, different clients, staff and manager. This also means I have to work an extra night and have to stress about getting someone to watch my son that night every week. This also means any hope of a social life/and finding a love life is over. (At least that's how it feels right now). Then my son fell apart and attacked me and called me names. I felt like I was hanging on by a thread. Then a friend dropped a bombshell and I made snap decision, not even sure it was the right one.

Then more changes at work. An unsupportive ex. Feeling more alone than ever before.... every time something gets thrown at me I have made the mistake of thinking/saying: "I can't handle anymore" and "surely things can only get better".

When will I learn? I got calls from Wills teacher today as they were headed to my house. Will bolted again and refused to get in the car until they promised to bring him home. We then all had quite a confrontation in the driveway before I forced him to go back to finish out his day.

So, I will NOT say I can't handle anymore, or it can't get any worse. I will breathe...I will try to accept that there is a reason, and a lesson to be learned from everything that occurs in life. I may be slow, but I can learn.

Breathing...and will continue to do so through whatever I am meant to go through in life.

A down kind of day

It's been one of those days where everything kind of hits you at once. My ex's grandmother recently passed away, then because my ex "forgot" to tell me or warn Will that the visiting hours was an open casket viewing my son Will is now traumatized (have I mentioned he's only 9?) and has been acting out all week. Two of my closest friends are struggling, one lost her father and the other got devastating news about his own health. My ex is kind of being a jerk in some aspects of our interactions. I'm trying to cut him some slack since he's dealing with the death of his grandmother, but it still doesn't feel good.

Having my personality is very difficult when people I care about are in pain, scared etc. I want to fix it and help them feel better. Especially when it comes to my son. He's been having incontinence problems either real or behavioral- haven't figured that one out yet. He had another accident at school today, I brought a change of clothes for him and as soon as I opened the door at school I could hear him screaming and crying. My heart was broken. Emotionally I want desperately to fix everything for him. Why can't I do this? I'm his MOTHER! It's my job!

I know, I know, it's irrational. But the heart wants what the heart wants. Intellectually I know it's unreasonable and I'm sure I'll feel better by tomorrow, but today I want a hug.

So, for today I will accept these feelings and sit with them, I will take a few deep breaths, a little meditation, and then I will release my unreasonable super hero expectations of myself and move forward on my path tomorrow. A little wiser, and a little more centered, and I hope a LoT more patient with myself. All I can be is me, and quite frankly, that's enough.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I have a wonderful life. God bless, and remember to breathe.

Weird kind of day

Not the worst day, and not the best.

Had a big fight with Jason (the hopefully-soon-to-be-ex) lets just say there are many things we will NEVER agree on. Including his choices and behaviors of entitlement surrounding my house etc.

Work has helped keep my mind occupied, but in the quiet moments, I'm right back where I've been most of my time since all this started.

This panicky feeling won't go away, even when I'm busy. Will I ever be okay with him not with me? Will I ever be ok with having to let others take care of him? And I also want to know if I'll ever be okay with him being so happy without me?

Crazy I know, I should be happy that he's happy to be there. It should make me feel better right? I mean part of me does, but there's a part that hurts because he was so willing, so happy to be somewhere else without me. There was no thoughts of missing me, of wanting me over strangers. I know it's silly, but I wonder if others ever feel this way, or if I'm so very different from other parents......

Either way, I'm finding ever aspect of this harder than I realized it would be-- and I was expecting it to be hard.

I spent some time with a friend Friday and was able to enjoy myself for a couple of hours, and even though some of that time was not all about Will, some was, and driving home I felt horrible for having any fun.

I know that's silly, that I need to take this time (at least some of it) for myself and the self care I continually ignore, and I hope to get there, but I'm so not there right now.

I am sitting at work watching tv and wishing I was at SH with Will, or better yet, cuddling with him at home on the couch or playing on the wii and trying to beat him. (he finds that particularly amusing as he really is so much better than I am)

I want him with me, and I want to be able to breathe, just breathe easier.

Breathe

So, here I am 6 hours and way too much junk food later. My heart is racing, it's hard to breathe occasionally, and I'm lost without my heart. I'm ok when stuffing my face and/or watching mindless tv, but as soon as the commercials come on is when it's hard to breathe and my heart races even more.

I look around my house and its so quiet, and he's not here. This does get easier right?

Is it sad that I'm counting the minutes until lunch tomorrow with Will?

I'm assuming that this will get easier as time goes on, but right now this REALLY, REALLY sucks!

Don't mind my rant, this is the best thing for Will. I know that. I do. It's just an adjustment period I'm sure.

For now I will just breathe........

Spring Harbor

I dreaded telling Will about the hospital. I didn't know how or when, so I gave it up to God to decide the when and how. When the time came he was all for it as long as they helped him to not hurt all the time. He's actually been bugging me about when.

We got the call Monday that today was the day. Will could barely sleep last night he was so excited. He helped pack his bag last night. He can take only a limited amount of stuff, but he didn't mind.

I let Will sleep with me last night. (Pretty sure it was more for me than him). It took forever for him to fall asleep, then I spent the night cuddling and listening to him breathe (and snore). We played this morning then left the house. We went to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast with his dad. (thought Will might enjoy it, even though I'm having a hard time being around "dad" lately). I know Will has a tendency to eat fast, but wow! He inhaled that donut and chocolate milk! Then wiped his mouth on the bag!

I spent 4+ hours being bombarded with questioned by the team at the hospital so they can start his behavioral plan. After I went in search of my son, he was hanging in the sensory room having fun. He gave me a hug and told me he loved me and sent me on my way.

I was quite proud of myself. I was upbeat and smiling and joking before and during the meeting. Walking out the door is when I started falling apart. I am now home, and have been for 1&1/2 hrs now. I don't want to be here! I don't want to be anywhere. I want my son back with me.

I guess it's easier knowing he wants to be there, and is getting the help he needs. I can't imagine how I'd feel if he didn't want to be there. So now it's dealing with my own feelings on the matter, however, I'm not real good with that. Guess I better get better at it huh?

That's it for now, I'm going to hibernate for a while, visit Will tomorrow and breathe, just breathe........

Breathe, just breathe

Well, it's been a few days.  Sunday was the last great day Will has had.  That is not to say he has had a horrible time of things, but he has had several very hard moments at school every day since.  The school photocopied some of the notes he wrote. " I feel every bad feeling mixed together.  It makes myself feel like I'm going to die."
"I hate everybody especially myself."

This just breaks my heart.  That he feels this way and I can't help him.  In home support is starting and will hopefully help.  Last night while laying in bed, he started picking at himself.  This has become quite the habit.  He has scars all over his face, his ear is particularly bad.  I asked him not to and tried to distract him.  He told me it made him feel better, but couldn't articulate why.  All he would say is that he hates himself.  He makes me want to cry.

Then when he had stopped picking he asked me how old you have to be to get a sex change operation. (his words were "how old do you have to be to have surgery to go from a boy to a girl?"  I told him that had to wait till a person was an adult.  He said "oh"  Then told me that he wanted me to fix his hair like a girl, in ponytails and braids.  I reminded him that hair had to be long enough for that and his wasn't there yet.  He does know that he is growing his hair out longer so it will just take time.

As you can see, I still think of Will as a he.  It gets difficult sometimes, when Will actively acts and addresses himself as a boy, but then sometimes will let you know that Will is Willow, a girl.  I'm trying to figure out how to address Will, how to make it right and let him/her know that I love Will for Will, not because Will is a boy or a girl.  I can only hope it helps that I support whatever Will wants (as long as it doesn't hurt Will) and that his father will be just as supportive of Wills journey of self discovery.

Life has not been easy for this little kid, and it doesn't look like it will be getting easier anytime soon.  Please pray for Will.........and I will continue to breathe.........

Fear less, hope more

Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and all good things will be yours. ~Swedish proverb

 I found this proverb this morning while looking for my inspirational quote for today on Facebook.  It really spoke to me.  I really need to take this quote in and immerse myself in its meaning.  I fear way too much in my life.  I fear the future.  I fear failure.  I live in fear.  I need to learn to let go of that.  I need to learn to live in the present, not in the future where fear lives.  I need to be thankful for everything I have.  Not fearful that it's not enough.  I AM enough.  What I have IS enough.  My life is plentiful.  I may not have everything I "think I should have" but I have everything I need and truly want. 1. I have myself, and I am happy with being with myself.  I do not feel the need to fill every moment I am on my own with others and things.  I am content. 2. I have my wonderful challenging son.  He is my everything.  As long as I have him, my life is complete.  3. I have my family.  As crazy and challenging as my family is, they are always there supporting me in every way, cheering me on when I need it, and celebrating right along side me when I achieve something.  That's all I really need.  I mean having my house, clothes and food help too, as does a job that is fulfilling where I am truly helping others that can pay for said food, clothes and home.  But everything else is just stuff.  It's dust-catchers, nice things to have, but nothing I really need.

I need to hope more.  Hope is something that helps us get through life a little easier.  I'm not talking about  hoping to win the lottery (although it would be nice) I mean hope for a better future for my son.  Hope that tomorrow will bring more blessings than yesterday.  And hope that tomorrow I will choose to be content and at peace with my life and the abundance in it.

I need to eat less.  Yes, I really do for many reasons.  Let's leave it at that for the moment shall we?

I need to chew more.  I think it is important to remember this.  All the time but especially now as we move into the holiday season.  Chew more, take the time to enjoy, savor, and experience the food that nourishes our bodies.  And as important if not more so, the food that nourishes our soul and spirit.  I think I (we as a world) overlook that.  I am always rushing around going from one crisis to the next, or one appointment to the next.  I rush through my meals, I barely taste what I am putting in my body, and often I an feeding myself crap.  I need to take time to sit without the TV or other distractions and truly experience my nourishment, and give thanks for it.  Again also experience and give thanks for the food of my soul and spirit.  Again, I find that I am finding quotes that speak to me, inspire me and I put them up on Facebook, hoping they will inspire others as well.  But do I really sit and dwell on them?  Do I really take the time to appreciate them and experience what they mean to me and how I can incorporate them into my daily life?  Unfortunately not very often, or at all if I am really being honest.  And really, why write this blog if I can't be honest with myself? 

I need to whine less. I find myself , more often than I care to admit even to myself that I am complaining about things in my life I don't like.  Instead of complaining I need to be rejoicing all the positives in my life.  I recently found myself on the phone whining to a friend.  She stopped me and asked me to tell her a positive.  Halleluiah!  That was just what I needed for a reality check.  Now, that's not to say I won't be sharing some of the harder things in my life, but I need to start doing more sharing of the positives.  NO EXCUSES! 

I need to breathe more.  I think that goes without saying.  I need to stop and just breathe.  More than that, I need to be grateful for my breath.  It means I am alive!  That is a joyous thing!  I am grateful for my breath, and I will take the time to just breathe.

I need to talk less.  That one's a hard one for me. (Aren't they all though?)  Often I find myself talking just to fill up the empty spaces in a conversation, or if there is someone else in the room I talk just to talk and not feel awkward.  Why?  Why do I (we) feel the need to do that?  I am enough.  There is a serenity in quiet times.  Sitting in a room with another, doing our own thing- reading, crafting, etc and just being.  Being with someone is enough sometimes.  I don't need to talk about useless things just to fill the spaces.  I give myself permission to be quiet and enjoy others in silence.  Lending my support and love through quietness.

I need to say more.  When I do talk, I need to be more mindful about what I am saying.  Am I being a force of negativity or positivity?  IS what I'm saying making a difference or just needless chatter?  I need to think before I speak and make it count!

I need to hate less.  I think overall I'm pretty good with this one, however we all have room for improvement.  I try not to judge people, I may not like a person or their actions, but I don't generally hate others or things.  When said I'm usually just very hurt in that moment and it is a "go to" phrase.  However, even this is putting more negativity and hate into the world.  Even if when I take some time I can honestly say I don't hate someone, I was just hurt by them.  Words can hurt, even if only said to ourselves.  If they are repeated enough they take on enough energy to make it real.

I need to love more.  No matter how much I love, I can love more.  I need to continually open my heart up to more love, reach out and share that love so maybe someone else will pass on love and people will love, not hate, accept, not reject, praise, not criticize.  All we need is love.

 It's a dawn of a new day.  What will you choose?