Mixed feelings

My divorce was final yesterday, I am so very happy it is done. Please, don't misunderstand, there is still sadness, no one ever gets married hoping for divorce. It is a hard and painful process for all involved. Our marriage wasn't a happy one for many years, he asked for the divorce for reasons I won't get into here....it doesn't matter anymore and I'm trying to move on, not live in the past. I have however had almost three years to gain some perspective, acceptance, and forgiveness. This was the right outcome no matter how we got here.

As I begin this new chapter in my life I have reminisced over the past. There were certainly some good times amidst the bad, but I couldn't help feel really sad (and thrilled) about today. Wills staff came over to work with Will, we had been prepping him for a few days that they would be spending part of the day outside to get some fresh air and exercise. We gave him the choice of finding a place to go sledding or building forts in the back yard. He chose forts. I have to say I was thrilled. Some of my best childhood memories are of my brother and I building snow forts and tunnels and then having snow ball fights. I hollowed out an area behind a snow bank on one side of the driveway and Will and his staff Tim did the same on their side. (Although they got fancy and made a tunnel too)

During this Will kept running in between the cars and throwing snowballs at me, he couldn't throw all the way across the double wide driveway (unfortunately I throw like a little girl and couldn't either). We had so much fun and we were laughing the while time. I had a moment of profound sadness though, this was the picture I always had in my head of Will, his dad and me playing in the snow, not with Wills staff. We don't always get everything we think we want or see for our children and ourselves. But you know what? Will is showing an interest in playing in the snow for the first time, he was laughing and smiling during a difficult period in his life. So what if it doesn't look like I had always hoped? He was happy, we shared and made a happy memory we can carry with us, he was outside and loving it. He even loved getting me in the face a couple times with the snowballs.

Things change, I have chosen to accept those changes with as much grace as possible, I'm sure I will still mourn those things that will never happen, but I will not become stuck by them. I will rejoice in the new opportunities that will come into my life because of these changes and know that I am ok. WE are ok. The possibilities are endless, and I have to believe that we have opened ourselves to even better experiences in the future.....

First day of school

Today is the first day of fifth grade. I'm so excited for Will, and so very nervous too. I believe I've already talked about all the changes in his classroom. (he is in a contained classroom with the other children who struggle). There is a new head teacher in the room, all but one of the Ed techs in the room are different. There is a new social worker, the room is set up differently, the board for the "level system" which has been so very successful the last 2 years is gone. And last Friday I got the bus schedule. Will has been put back on the regular bus in the morning. (he has been on the small "special Ed" bus for the kiddos in his classroom for the last 2 years because the noise etc on the regular bus was way too much for him.) Don't get me wrong, this schedule works best for me, I'm just not so sure about Will, and it would have been nice if they had discussed this change before they implemented it. The communication from the school has been sorely lacking since the end of last year. Making me worry and giving me a sense of deja vu. (the first 3 years at this school was a battle, the school not doing what they should and lying, covering up and down playing. Sound familiar to all you parents of special needs? Just hoping they are not regressing!)

Will woke up VERY early again this morning. While getting ready this morning he put on his shorts backwards. Unfortunately they were jean shorts so I made him change because it was so noticeable. This started a mini meltdown. We regrouped fairly quickly and moved on.

It didn't help that when we first came downstairs and checked on the rescued bird it was alive and well, but an hour later had died. Will was not happy. He handled it better than I thought which was good, but we shall see if it affects his day. Although there are so many triggers today who really knows what might be the cause of a difficult day. Hopefully it is a wonderful day though.....

So it begins again....school starts and I start jumping when the phone rings because I expect it's the school telling me about the struggle of the moment. Or that he's so out of control I have to come pick him up. Now, I haven't had more than one call since he came home from Spring Harbor last march. I'm also terrified to look in "the notebook". Which will outline every struggle, but also highlights every achievement.

So, we will see how today goes and we will hope for the best. Good luck Will. Study hard, you'll need to if you want to be a veterinarian. I love you and I'm so proud!