A Walk.....

yesterday I decided that sitting around not eating was not helping. I have a lot to think about, I also need to be moe active. So I went for a walk.

The GreenBelt is a bike/walking path very close to my home. I haven't walked more than a mile in a very long time. Yesterday, I walked for an hour. I walked 4 miles. Not too bad.....

I got a lot of thinking done, not a lot of answers, nothing is any clearer, but I think I am on my way. I hope I am. If you read my earlier post from yesterday you know that I am kind of a bundle of insecurities and an emotional mess right now. That's ok, I know I will figure it all out, I know that I will be fine, I don't have to have all the answers, I also don't have to be happy every moment. But it sure stinks being stuck feeling so lost, emotional and insecure.

I don't think stress/life/whatever has ever affected me so strongly before. (This is where I think hormones are playing a part) I have barely eaten anything in 4&1/2 days. (I had 4 triscuits the other night, a bowl of tomato soup/ string cheese and a cup of homemade apple sauce yesterday). I just have no appetite. My stomach is telling me its hungry, but my head is saying......bleck. I'm almost nauseous looking at food. I will find myself thinking "hmm, I'm hungry" and I will go to the kitchen to get something. As soon as I start looking, I'm done. Don't want it. On top of this, I have just realized how dehydrated I am. Last night my tibialis anteriors both started cramping up on me. A sure sign of dehydration....

When a person wakes in the morning, one of the first thoughts is: I have to pee. I woke this morning without this urge. At 10:30 (while at the office) I finally felt like I had to pee. There wasn't much, and what was there was a dark orange color. I've taken enough A&P classes, and am smart enough to know that this is not good. Not at all. It is now 1:30 in the afternoon, and I still haven't been able to make myself drink. What is going on? Other than feeling a little lightheaded, tired (but I'm also not sleeping that great) and my legs being sore from all the cramping I'm feeling ok- just hope I can figure out the emotional turmoil and how to take care of myself in that respect. If I can do that, I think the rest will fall into place........

Relationships are hard

Relationships are hard, and messy, and they can hurt.....a lot. They ca tie you up in knots, or give you delicious butterflies, and sometimes it's all rolled into one.

When do you know you are ready for a relationship? I don't know.... It's been so long since I've found myself feeling like this. I started dating last March/April. I spent some time with a guy who treated me well, but I knew I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. When it ended, I was ok.

At this point I was pretty sure I didn't want just a casual relationship, I am definitely a one man kind of girl. I felt ready to seek out a man to share my life with. I finally broke down and tried e-harmony and met a couple of guys. I went on a date with one....and that was it. I met the second guy and wow.

A really nice guy, we have a lot in common, I like spending time with him. Then things started to change....I don't know where I stand. I think I've been friend zoned. I've been getting very little sleep, I haven't eaten except for 4 triscuits last night. Before that....it was 3&1/2 days ago.

I don't remember ever being so tied up in knots. I know that I'm also going through a very emotional week and hormones are playing a part in how strong my feelings and insecurities are presenting themselves.

I really thought I was ready...but am I? All the insecurities from my marriage about myself and self worth are back. I know who I am, I know what I look like. Right now I'm the fat woman with "personality". The most I can hope for is to continue to work on eating healthy and exercising so I can be come the woman with "personality".

I know I am a good person. I am funny, smart (in a more common sense type), I like people, I like helping and making people smile. I just don't have the looks. Most of the time I'm absolutely fine with that. I like who I am. The question now becomes, am I ready ? I feel like I am... I want to be with the man who loves me for me. Who is my best friend, and wants to put me first,. I recently found a picture that said "Good Mood, Bad Mood, Pretty, Ugly, Handsome, What-Have-You......The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass". This is what I want. Am I asking too much? Am I just too impatient? How do I manage my feelings?

I AM trying to go with the flow... Really I am, but if I'm this tied up about it, does that mean I'm not being true to me? Is it really what will make me happy? And don't I deserve to be happy too? Others may need to "get out there" and date a lot of people. That doesn't make me happy. I need someone who wants me. This is just one of those days when I really wonder if I am just "that" person who doesn't get what she wants. I know I can be alone. I don't need anyone, but I want someone.

Just to be clear, this post is just a rant while having an off day(week) things WILL look better tomorrow. In fact, I will now force myself to eat the soup I bought when I went out to lunch with an old friend. I still have no appetite, but this has gone on long enough.

Time to put my big girl panties on, and try to find the answers to my questions so I can move forward in my life and be happy. Whether alone or with a partner in life..... I will survive.