I just don't know.

I have spent a lot of the last week crying.  Upset about my grandfather sick, my manager and the treatment I have been getting from her, and mostly about the fact that I am back on depression medication and appear to have a fairly severe case of depression and anxiety. 
I find the last 2 days there has been little to no crying over these things.  I'm feeling much more positive and focused.  Could it be the medication I'm on?  Not likely as I've only been on it a week and I've forgotten at least 2 doses, and it takes 4-6 weeks to build up in my system according to the doctors.  Do I not need the medication?  Have I stumbled upon the answers myself unknowingly?  Probably not.  This is most likely a lull in the storm that is my emotional breakdown.  I'll take it though.......
I think that having more positives to focus on helps, visualizing where I want to be and steps to get me there help, hugs from my son definitely help. ;-)  As for the rest.........I'll try to take it one day at a time.  If I cry, I cry.  I have to learn to accept those uncomfortable feelings and let them out instead of suppressing them as soon as they start.  If I let it out and trust that I will stop eventually maybe I can finally really let go.  Cause I keep thinking I've let go, but stuff keeps coming back.  Maybe this is the key to letting go.  If I ever bring myself to really sit with the pain and cry it out, I'll let you know, in the mean time I'll try.....

Anxiety part three

So I went to the drs today. They did an EKG. Then I talked to the dr. The good news: my heart is fine. Strong regular heart beat, not enlarged, no sign of any distress. The bad news: surprise! It's stress and depression. I am being put back on depression meds, was told to go for walks, talk to a good friend, cry, reduce the stress in my life.
Here's my problem with that: there's nothing I can really do to reduce the stress in my life, it is all out of my hands. (I am trying to work on how I deal with that stress, really I am). Going for a walk is hard but not impossible. I'm so tired all the time I just have to break this cycle and get out there and do it. Talking to a friend, well, I only have one friend that I talk to regularly, she has so much on her plate, and let's get real here- who wants to hear someone constantly talking about all the problems? I know she would get sick of me real soon if I complained any more. (I'm trying to be more positive in my thoughts and words and deeds). The last thing is crying- he thinks I should cry a lot. I hate to cry, I am so programed now that I am fighting to stop the tears as soon as they start (which is all the time now), I also can't stand being all stuffy during and after as well as my eyes hurt for hours after 2 min of crying, if I really let go they would never feel ok again!
So, this journey has thrown a few more curves into it, but who wants to walk down a straight road anyway right? Right? I know I'll be fine and will come out as a stronger, more empowered, more compassionate woman. Now if I could only learn acceptance, every time I think I've accepted and let go of my "stuff" it rises up to bite me once again. When will I learn the lessons I'm being taught?