Sometimes I feel like a fraud

Do you ever feel like a fraud? I must admit that I do sometimes. Why do I feel like this you ask?

Well I'll tell you, I feel this way when people tell me what an inspiration I am, or how great I am at staying positive. (now don't misunderstand, I'm not told this all the time) Lately its been my son Will's support staff. They come in and I have a smile on my face when I greet them. Because of this they have been telling me lately how wonderful my outlook is through this MS flare up. That I am an inspiration, and such a great mom.

I have to tell you, I don't feel like any of those things. I have felt more "down" lately then positive. Just because I'm trying (and I feel like lately not that successfully) to accept the things I cannot change about my circumstances and still smile at people and not want pity doesn't mean I'm an inspiration or anything else. I am a woman who's going through a crappy time right now and struggling. I have cried more in the last 3 weeks, felt hopeless, wanted to give up, and been too tired to care about certain details in my life. Does this sound like an inspiration to you?

That is why I feel like a fraud these days, I'm just a woman, I'm not that special.

A true inspiration

As I have stated I am spending my weekend in the greatest place on earth (at least for me and any others who have spent their summers at the Grove). I spent my last post talking about the Grove, what it means to me and also part of the reason I am here this weekend.

I would like to take this opportunity to talk about the other reason I am here THIS weekend. I will be the first to admit that I don't attend church regularly (much). I can't attend Sunday services because I work all day every Sunday. But let's face it, that's an excuse. I wasn't attending even when I worked Saturdays instead of Sunday's. Then the excuse was my son. I I'm going to be honest- I'm full of excuses when it comes to organized religion, but more on that later.

There are very few ministers/reverends/pastors I enjoy listening to, ad most if not all array the Grove. My favorite is the Reverend Walter Webb (goes by Wally). I asked him to officiate my marriage, baptize my son, and always go to him when I have a problem I need to talk out. He is ALWAYS ready with a friendly ear, shoulder to cry on, and always with a BAD joke. In fact whenever he tells me. a bad joke he asks if it should go in "The Joke Jar". I once asked him about the jar and he said that when he dies he wants everyone who attends his funeral to pull a joke out of the jar and read it aloud so we can feel him close. I like this idea and may do something similar (if not steal his idea outright- see, I know Wally would be flattered and not offended).

Anyway, about 6 months ago Wally was in a terrible car accident which has left him if not permanently, then at least for a very long time unable to walk, and very limited control/movement of his arms. This man who has done so much for the Grove, ad his community now has to rely almost completely on everyone else now. I might also mention here that last summer he and his wife lost their only child.

I share all this because I get in here and "vent" about the struggles in my life- and while I'm doing that, this amazing man is so very positive, he is still listening to others with their small complaints, still quick to offer a shoulder, still smiling and telling his bad jokes.

Six months after his terrible, life changing accident he was back in the front of his church for the very first time, and I was there to see a d hear him. It was so very moving.

We read the 23 psalm together, as a reading and again during his sermon. He pointed out that wen we are in a good place we often don't have much use for God and he is a HE. But, when things are bad, he becomes a Thou. Then he becomes important. How interesting to see it so plainly written in the bible if we only take the time to really read the words. Reminds me of a song "Laughing With" by Regina Spector.

Wally reminds us to not forget God wen things are good, and when they are bad- know that God is close then too.

We are spending another night in this sacred place to drink up the tranquility and full my soul with peace before reentering the world, but also because Wally is preaching at Vespers tonight too. What a first day back- 2 services in one day. I am do blessed to have this positive man in my life. He reminds me to look to the positive, stay focused in the good, and always- remember God is always close.

I know I'm a work in progress, but I need to spend more time at the Grove, I forget my lessons too quickly in the outside world, and miss out in too many bad jokes. Have a blessed day.

Inspiration

I have to admit, my favorite place on earth is my camp. I find the most peace when I'm there, it is a balm to my soul. However, I have some wonderful friends who have been sharing inspirational quotes and pictures, and some I have found myself. I felt the need to share some of them with you. These are some of the things that inspire me to be better in all aspects of my life. Hope you enjoy.

The day after

Today is the day after Thanksgiving.  I have been posting all over Facebook what I am thankful for.  My family, friends and most of all my wonderful son.  Now there are other things I am thankful for, such as having a job, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my belly.  I know the lst could go on and on, but I will stop there. 

Holidays have a way of being overwhelming to the general population.  They are much more so to a child with special needs.  We have now entered the most stressful time of all.  Most people can handle the bombardment of sensory input with a certain amount of ease.  These special children have a harder time.  They can not process all the input coming at they from every direction.  These children are on overload, from the word go. 

My son is one of these children.  I have been dreading the holidays for this reason.  I have been expecting melt down after melt down.  Tantrum after tantrum.  As well as a few bruises along the way.  I can't say what the rest of this season will bring, but so far my son has blown me away with his ability to deal with Thanksgiving.  We went to my aunts house as usual, Will brought his laptop to use as a way of calming himself.  He was a little withdrawn, but that's OK.  With so many people there, and a TV loudly playing a football game, I'm really not surprised.  When it came time to eat, he tried a few things I asked him to, (even though he didn't want them) and almost cleaned his plate.  He asked to be excused, he thanked people for moving for him so he could leave the table.  He thanked my aunt and uncle for the meal.  When he had had enough, he quietly asked if we could leave.  So we left.  No dessert for us, (but then again I REALLY don't need it).  We brought left overs to my parents house--my mother's on bed rest and so my parents didn't go--Will played a little there.  My parents asked him questions, he told them quietly and calmly he didn't want to answer questions.  When they continued, he got a little agitated, but remained in control.

We got home and had a quiet evening, with mo melt downs.  This is usually the time where he falls apart.  He holds it together so well for so long and then the least little thing will send him over the edge.  But not tonight!  Went to bed and fell asleep quickly.

We woke this morning, had a quiet morning, I put the tree together.  He was patient, but told me frequently that he wanted me to take a break and play with him.  When I was done with the tree, he actually helped me for a little while, I stopped and played.  Then I set on the lights.  Again he offered to help for a short while, encouraging me when he saw I was getting frustrated.  Told me it was OK and I could stop for a while o play with him since he missed me and didn't want me to get angry.  I stopped, we played, we laughed, and I got back to work.

When I was done with the lights I asked him if he was ready to help put up the decorations.  He said "Not now."  We waited.  I asked 3 times, every time I got the same response.  I finally, with a frustrated tinged voice, asked him to pick a time.  The cracks appeared.  He told me he didn't want to put the decorations up, he wanted to get out of the house.  We went to the library.  He researched hamsters, and took out three books on them to read at home.  I got out the decorations, he stated he would put on the garlands, and that I could take a picture of him holding them in his hands.  I must admit, I took advantage.  I turned off the sound to my phone a took a few more.

The rest of the evening passed in giggles and smiles.  There was no arguments over dinner, meds, bath, or brushing teeth.  We went upstairs at 7pm and read the rest of a book we were already reading from the library, and he quickly fell asleep, even with protest that he was too tired to sleep.

I must admit, I was relieved.  I imagined full blown melt downs last night and most of today, but my boy is growing up.  This of course doesn't mean I won't get them tomorrow, or somewhere throughout the rest of the season, but for now things are good.  We will keep things very low key for the next month, hoping to continue this good fortune, but there's too much out there in the world for it not to affect him.  Whatever happens, he is my beautiful son, I love him more than life itself, and will always be proud of the way he manages to cope with this overwhelming, sensory saturated world we live in.  He is my hope, my inspiration, and my heart.

This is the only authorized picture in the bunch

And this is what the tree looked like when we were all done.