What could I mean by this? Well, if you are squeamish this post is not for you. It really is about poo.
When my son Will and I arrived at camp all was right in my world. However the second night there Will woke up at 2:30 in the morning and told me he was going downstairs. I told him no because this has been a long standing struggle to get him to sleep through the night. When he said he had to use the bathroom I told him to get going as we've had some issues with bed wetting lately. (not very night, but enough that I have out chucks under his sheets.)
A few minutes later I heard Will outside my door telling me he had an accident and needed my help. Now, let me just take a minute to explain the layout of our camp. Upstairs is carpeted, you walk down a very narrow and steep set of wooden stairs to the carpeted living room. From there you walk into the kitchen, through a pantry area to the bathroom. The bathroom only has a chemical/compost toilet in it. We have NO running water due to our little pump burned out a couple of years ago. So, there's the set up, now on to what I came out to at 2:40 am: Will covered in poo from the waist down. I followed the "path" down the stairs, through the living room, through the kitchen and pantry area to the bathroom. Here I found poo everywhere. I don't even know how he got it in some of the places I found it. Does this happen to other parents? I didn't even know where to begin.
I have to admit, I didn't react well. I just didn't know where to start or even how to clean it all up. Partly due to the hour, partly because I was stunned. (I've seen a lot of mess's in my time as a mother and caregiver and this one had me stumped-at least for a few minutes). Well, my frustration boiled over a little. Will asked me not to be mad at him because it was an accident. This is where I took a breath and calmed myself enough to talk to him. I told him he's right, accidents happen. I said I WASN'T mad at him, I was just very tired and overwhelmed, not knowing where to start.
This helped, him and me. I jumped right in and cleaned his feet then legs. Then I got to work on the "path" and lastly the bathroom itself. It took me a full hour to clean the camp. At that point I put Will in the car, grabbed shampoo, soap, towel and clean clothes and took him to the showers. While he scrubbed himself (while singing me a silly little song) I got to work scrubbing out his clothes and the bath mat in the sink. Then cleaning the sink.
What a way to start the week. But seriously, do any other ASD parents have these issues? Where does it come from? How do they get it where they get it? I really don't get it.
Monday, July 30, 2012
We made it to camp
Here I sit on my couch at camp. It's 10 o'clock in Sunday evening. So far so good. Will is doing well so far, granted I've let him play on his electronics a lot. But a mom has to do what a mom has to do.
Tomorrow morning starts the organized portion of our vacation. This is the part I am most anxious about. There are daily activities. Some Will is expected to participate in, and some I am almost desperate to participate in..... I am trying to hold onto NO EXPECTATIONS, but it's really hard. I used to be involved in everything and for the last ten years I've been involved in almost nothing. The last three years have been spent virtually in my camp away form everyone.
So far we are holding strong. We were supposed to have smores in the ballfield tonight but it was rescheduled for later in the week because of the rain. Will was very disappointed, but did well with it. Monday and wednesday bring our in home support up here for a couple of hours both days. I am so very excited they will be here. It will help focus Will and get him out of the camp more and it will give me a much needed break as I am here with Will on my own again.
This is our weekly schedule... We'll see how we do with participation!
Tomorrow morning starts the organized portion of our vacation. This is the part I am most anxious about. There are daily activities. Some Will is expected to participate in, and some I am almost desperate to participate in..... I am trying to hold onto NO EXPECTATIONS, but it's really hard. I used to be involved in everything and for the last ten years I've been involved in almost nothing. The last three years have been spent virtually in my camp away form everyone.
So far we are holding strong. We were supposed to have smores in the ballfield tonight but it was rescheduled for later in the week because of the rain. Will was very disappointed, but did well with it. Monday and wednesday bring our in home support up here for a couple of hours both days. I am so very excited they will be here. It will help focus Will and get him out of the camp more and it will give me a much needed break as I am here with Will on my own again.
This is our weekly schedule... We'll see how we do with participation!
Monday, July 23, 2012
A good friend or too accommodating?
I've been thinking lately, and asking myself a hard question. So hard for me in fact I have opened it up to friends/family/and now everyone. Am I being a good and considerate friend or am I too accommodating?
Now for a little back story to explain.... I am a nurturer by nature. It's who I am and what I do. I will do what I can for who I can. When I am spending time with someone and I know they don't like watching comedies, we don't ever watch comedies. If they don't like kissing (I'm talking romantic relationship on this one) we won't kiss. I want the person I am with to be happy. I don't want to put them in a position where they have to do anything they don't want.
This is done to the extent that in my marriage and in some friendships throughout the years I have gone without certain things I wanted/needed. I do this happily (for the most part). I end up feeling guilty when someone offers to do something I know they don't like.
Don't get me wrong, some have happily offered to do these things for me. I just seem to be very hypocritical when it comes to this subject. It's ok for me to do things I may not enjoy to please others, but it is not acceptable to let others have that same opportunity.
Is this an ok way to go through life? Forgoing my needs and desires and making everyone else's more important? How is this mind set helping me push forward? Is this why I have such a hard time taking care of myself? Am I being a good and considerate friend? Or, am I still stuck in the mindset that I'm not worthy and not important? Told you I'm wrestling with some weighty issues.
On a side note- my self care act for the day is going out for a drink with some good friends (and letting a friend buy me a drink as sadly I can't afford it myself- normally I would just decline and stay home by myself). It's a start right?
Now for a little back story to explain.... I am a nurturer by nature. It's who I am and what I do. I will do what I can for who I can. When I am spending time with someone and I know they don't like watching comedies, we don't ever watch comedies. If they don't like kissing (I'm talking romantic relationship on this one) we won't kiss. I want the person I am with to be happy. I don't want to put them in a position where they have to do anything they don't want.
This is done to the extent that in my marriage and in some friendships throughout the years I have gone without certain things I wanted/needed. I do this happily (for the most part). I end up feeling guilty when someone offers to do something I know they don't like.
Don't get me wrong, some have happily offered to do these things for me. I just seem to be very hypocritical when it comes to this subject. It's ok for me to do things I may not enjoy to please others, but it is not acceptable to let others have that same opportunity.
Is this an ok way to go through life? Forgoing my needs and desires and making everyone else's more important? How is this mind set helping me push forward? Is this why I have such a hard time taking care of myself? Am I being a good and considerate friend? Or, am I still stuck in the mindset that I'm not worthy and not important? Told you I'm wrestling with some weighty issues.
On a side note- my self care act for the day is going out for a drink with some good friends (and letting a friend buy me a drink as sadly I can't afford it myself- normally I would just decline and stay home by myself). It's a start right?
Sunday, July 22, 2012
It's camp time again
In one week my son Will and I will be at our camp again for camp meeting. I have been going since I was 6 (33 years oh my!) and my son has been going for 10 years (since he was 1 week old!). I've written about Empire Grove before. It is the balm to my battered soul, it is where I am closest to my God and my grandfather, and where I find peace.
As my son started to grow up and struggle more and more it's been harder and harder for Will to enjoy camp. It's such a foreign environment to him now. It does not hold the same structure as home does. There is too much freedom, too many kids running and riding bikes ( Will doesn't run fast, and can't ride a bike). These kids don't understand Will, they don't want to play what he wants to play and he can't keep up with their play. Can we say beyond frustrating?
And so he struggles.... We had a couple of years that were disasters. Last year was better, and I'm hoping this year will be amazing by our standards. We have spent a couple weekends at camp since Will was in Spring Harbor and they went very well.
This year should be particularly interesting as we are putting on a musical (it's one I did 30 years ago at the Grove!- wow time flies. I'm starting to feel old lol) and I really want to be in it. I haven't sung in too many years to count and I really miss it. I'm hoping Will is able to cope with me participating. However, this means we CAN'T leave early as I will be needed for all rehearsals and for the performance. Can he handle it? Do I dare try?
The last several years I have not participated in much because Will needed me more. Don't get me wrong, I don't resent any choices I've made in regards to this. I guess I'm just leery of pushing this, because I want to spend the entire week there. In fact, I guess you could say I need this time. Yes, I'm being selfish in this but I deserve to be selfish once in a blue moon right?
So, the question is...... because Will is getting older, and doing better, do I take this experience to try and push him a little? OR Do I keep things status quo so I have a better chance of being able to have my full week at the Grove?
Do I participate in something that brings me great joy knowing it will make the week more stressful? OR Do I pass on this opportunity to keep the peace?
I'm really struggling with this. To top it all off I have to consider my MS. I've had a lot of symptoms lately and they are exacerbated by stress and heat. (always a lot hotter at camp then at home)
How much is too much? Anyone? Anyone?
As my son started to grow up and struggle more and more it's been harder and harder for Will to enjoy camp. It's such a foreign environment to him now. It does not hold the same structure as home does. There is too much freedom, too many kids running and riding bikes ( Will doesn't run fast, and can't ride a bike). These kids don't understand Will, they don't want to play what he wants to play and he can't keep up with their play. Can we say beyond frustrating?
And so he struggles.... We had a couple of years that were disasters. Last year was better, and I'm hoping this year will be amazing by our standards. We have spent a couple weekends at camp since Will was in Spring Harbor and they went very well.
This year should be particularly interesting as we are putting on a musical (it's one I did 30 years ago at the Grove!- wow time flies. I'm starting to feel old lol) and I really want to be in it. I haven't sung in too many years to count and I really miss it. I'm hoping Will is able to cope with me participating. However, this means we CAN'T leave early as I will be needed for all rehearsals and for the performance. Can he handle it? Do I dare try?
The last several years I have not participated in much because Will needed me more. Don't get me wrong, I don't resent any choices I've made in regards to this. I guess I'm just leery of pushing this, because I want to spend the entire week there. In fact, I guess you could say I need this time. Yes, I'm being selfish in this but I deserve to be selfish once in a blue moon right?
So, the question is...... because Will is getting older, and doing better, do I take this experience to try and push him a little? OR Do I keep things status quo so I have a better chance of being able to have my full week at the Grove?
Do I participate in something that brings me great joy knowing it will make the week more stressful? OR Do I pass on this opportunity to keep the peace?
I'm really struggling with this. To top it all off I have to consider my MS. I've had a lot of symptoms lately and they are exacerbated by stress and heat. (always a lot hotter at camp then at home)
How much is too much? Anyone? Anyone?
Friday, July 20, 2012
Birthday BBQ
Today my parents came over for a little birthday BBQ for my son. His birthday was Tuesday and he has hit double digits. The big 10.
My parents came over early so my father could sand my bedroom door down so it will shut all the way. The reason I need it to shut is because I want a lock installed on the door. My ex has far too much access to my house and I need to make sure I have a little privacy in my own home.
So while my dad worked on that, my mom had the pleasure of playing Mario Party 9 for wii with my son. He is super excited about his new game. When she had enough of this (not technologically inclined- with no desire to learn these new games) we went into my massage room and I worked on her back and neck for a little bit. (she suffers from horrible back and muscle problems- her pain level on a good day is a 7 on the pain scale 0-10 10 being the worst pain imaginable)
After all this was taken care of my dad offered (thankfully) to man the grill. I manned the stovetop where I sautéed some veggies. After we ate some great burgers we had some ice cream cake (Will had already had a piece the night before- he is much too good at arguments. I'm so in trouble in coming years!)
Then Will decided we should play bingo. He was the caller, we all won once and my mom won twice. We had prizes and everything. What struck me as pretty amazing throughout this was that my dad was acting very silly. This is very normal in my family but Will has a very low tolerance. However, tonight he tolerated it very well for several minutes. When he had had enough, he very nicely asked my dad to stop and told him he'd had enough. It's amazing when Will can do this, and it seems like he is able more all the time. I love looking back so I can appreciate all the growth and forward movement we have been blessed with this year.
My parents came over early so my father could sand my bedroom door down so it will shut all the way. The reason I need it to shut is because I want a lock installed on the door. My ex has far too much access to my house and I need to make sure I have a little privacy in my own home.
So while my dad worked on that, my mom had the pleasure of playing Mario Party 9 for wii with my son. He is super excited about his new game. When she had enough of this (not technologically inclined- with no desire to learn these new games) we went into my massage room and I worked on her back and neck for a little bit. (she suffers from horrible back and muscle problems- her pain level on a good day is a 7 on the pain scale 0-10 10 being the worst pain imaginable)
After all this was taken care of my dad offered (thankfully) to man the grill. I manned the stovetop where I sautéed some veggies. After we ate some great burgers we had some ice cream cake (Will had already had a piece the night before- he is much too good at arguments. I'm so in trouble in coming years!)
Then Will decided we should play bingo. He was the caller, we all won once and my mom won twice. We had prizes and everything. What struck me as pretty amazing throughout this was that my dad was acting very silly. This is very normal in my family but Will has a very low tolerance. However, tonight he tolerated it very well for several minutes. When he had had enough, he very nicely asked my dad to stop and told him he'd had enough. It's amazing when Will can do this, and it seems like he is able more all the time. I love looking back so I can appreciate all the growth and forward movement we have been blessed with this year.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Trying a little self care
I'm trying to take care of myself. At least a little bit. As most parents know, and especially those of us with special blessings for children we aren't very good at self care. However, self care is so very important. It is what helps keep us refreshed and able to take on the world for our children. It keeps us focused on the blessings, on the strides they have made and how fortunate we are to have them in our lives for us to love.
For those of you who are regularly practicing self care I take my hat off to you! You are doing your child/children a world of good (as well as yourself). I on the other hand, am not so good at this. I occasionally do something for myself. I went to the movies and dinner with a good friend last week. That was so much fun. We saw Magic Mike. What a fun movie that is, although I don't think many men would like the movie ;~}
So, last night I decided to use a mud facial mask. It felt really nice and my skin felt wonderful after. I came out of the bathroom and said hi to Will. He told me in no uncertain terms that I did not look pretty. I'm ok with that.
I also have some marble cold stones for massage. (have I mentioned that I'm a massage therapist?) I was hot and had a headache so I decided to take them out of the fridge and give myself a face massage and use these fabulous stones.
I have always wanted a hot stone massage and to learn how to give them in my practice. However, due to my MS. I am not allowed to be near hot stones. I am however allowed to use cold massage and use them I did the other night.
Well, I'm trying.....
I'll get the hang of this self care thing, the benefits are too important for me not to try. I think I'll try doing something for myself every day. Today.... I think I'll break out the massage stones again. What will you do to take care of yourself today?
For those of you who are regularly practicing self care I take my hat off to you! You are doing your child/children a world of good (as well as yourself). I on the other hand, am not so good at this. I occasionally do something for myself. I went to the movies and dinner with a good friend last week. That was so much fun. We saw Magic Mike. What a fun movie that is, although I don't think many men would like the movie ;~}
So, last night I decided to use a mud facial mask. It felt really nice and my skin felt wonderful after. I came out of the bathroom and said hi to Will. He told me in no uncertain terms that I did not look pretty. I'm ok with that.
I also have some marble cold stones for massage. (have I mentioned that I'm a massage therapist?) I was hot and had a headache so I decided to take them out of the fridge and give myself a face massage and use these fabulous stones.
I have always wanted a hot stone massage and to learn how to give them in my practice. However, due to my MS. I am not allowed to be near hot stones. I am however allowed to use cold massage and use them I did the other night.
Well, I'm trying.....
I'll get the hang of this self care thing, the benefits are too important for me not to try. I think I'll try doing something for myself every day. Today.... I think I'll break out the massage stones again. What will you do to take care of yourself today?
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Children's songs and nursery rhymes
Today was another really hot day. I spent the first half in the house cleaning. Partly because I needed to and partly because my parents are coming over in Friday to have a small BBQ for my sons birthday which was yesterday. OMGoodness my beautiful baby boy is now 10 years old. He is no longer a baby and has hit double digits.
Anyway, after picking him up from school at noon we came home and I let him spend some time playing his new wii game he got the night before. As the day wore on though I could stand the heat no longer. I declared the wii to be turned off, swimsuit donned and floats grabbed. We headed off to the pool. (and by pool I mean one of those 8ft round quickset pools) we had so much fun. More interaction than usual. We talked and laughed, splashed and wrestled. The best part was when he was pretending to be a baby asleep and I sang Rock-A-Bye-Baby to him.
This prompted quite the discussion about children songs and nursery rhymes. Some of them are funny, like Georgie Porgie. Some are just straight out frightening. Like Rock-A-Bye. I mean who wants to be sung to about having your cradle fall from a tree? How is that supposed to make you feel safe? Or Little Miss Muffet, spiders are scary to most people. So why would we want to enforce that thought by telling kids a spider scared the living daylights out of poor Miss Muffet? But then tell them about the cute spider who crawled up the water spout? Make up your minds people!
My son laughed so hard he started drooling (low muscle tone in face causes him to still drool when overexcited about things). I would sing a song or say a nursery rhyme and he would laugh and point out why it was silly or strange. I was so impressed he could pick up on these things and it made for quite the delightful conversation as I got a little insight as to how that fascinating brain of his works.
Picture is from A Light In The Attic by Shel Silverstein. I always loved his version of this classic.
Anyway, after picking him up from school at noon we came home and I let him spend some time playing his new wii game he got the night before. As the day wore on though I could stand the heat no longer. I declared the wii to be turned off, swimsuit donned and floats grabbed. We headed off to the pool. (and by pool I mean one of those 8ft round quickset pools) we had so much fun. More interaction than usual. We talked and laughed, splashed and wrestled. The best part was when he was pretending to be a baby asleep and I sang Rock-A-Bye-Baby to him.
This prompted quite the discussion about children songs and nursery rhymes. Some of them are funny, like Georgie Porgie. Some are just straight out frightening. Like Rock-A-Bye. I mean who wants to be sung to about having your cradle fall from a tree? How is that supposed to make you feel safe? Or Little Miss Muffet, spiders are scary to most people. So why would we want to enforce that thought by telling kids a spider scared the living daylights out of poor Miss Muffet? But then tell them about the cute spider who crawled up the water spout? Make up your minds people!
My son laughed so hard he started drooling (low muscle tone in face causes him to still drool when overexcited about things). I would sing a song or say a nursery rhyme and he would laugh and point out why it was silly or strange. I was so impressed he could pick up on these things and it made for quite the delightful conversation as I got a little insight as to how that fascinating brain of his works.
Picture is from A Light In The Attic by Shel Silverstein. I always loved his version of this classic.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
State Health Insurance
Yesterday I was driving from one of my homes to another (no, I don't own multiple homes... I work with adults with developmental disabilities in THEIR homes) when my phone started to ring. I answered it wholly unprepared for what this one phone call would start. The person calling was the clinician giving services to my son. She comes over twice a week with a BHP and they work with my son on frustration tolerance, better choices of how to handle his anger and frustration, etc. She was calling to ask me about my sons MaineCare acct. (MaineCare is the state equivalent to Medicaid). See, we don't qualify for state insurance except through the Katie Beckett program which is for kids with all kinds of disabilities. Under Katie Beckett we qualify in spades. In the 3 years he's had it there has never been a question as to his eligibility. But because it's Katie Beckett I have to pay for the insurance. No big deal, really. When I had a husband (technically still not divorced. But very very soon!) we were paying $25 a month, now that I live on my own with our son I'm paying $14 a month. So you see, it isn't the end of the world. I only mention the money piece because I have paid through July!
Now the reason I told you about paying through July is that because of my phone call I had to make some calls about my sons insurance and wouldn't you know it? They cancelled his insurance at the end of June. So here I am sitting in a waiting room for the last 45 minutes with no end in sight at DHHS so I can straighten all this out.
I have a feeling that it was our financial review as the medical review has been done and we have been approved.
And I was right, just talked to a woman on the phone who confirmed it is the financial review that is needed. She will bring it down to me and I will take it and fill it out today as well as compile all the information that is needed so I can drop it back off at DHHS and then the waiting will begin for my son to be reinstated. Sigh..... I hate dealing with insurance. Why do they make it so very difficult?
Now the reason I told you about paying through July is that because of my phone call I had to make some calls about my sons insurance and wouldn't you know it? They cancelled his insurance at the end of June. So here I am sitting in a waiting room for the last 45 minutes with no end in sight at DHHS so I can straighten all this out.
I have a feeling that it was our financial review as the medical review has been done and we have been approved.
And I was right, just talked to a woman on the phone who confirmed it is the financial review that is needed. She will bring it down to me and I will take it and fill it out today as well as compile all the information that is needed so I can drop it back off at DHHS and then the waiting will begin for my son to be reinstated. Sigh..... I hate dealing with insurance. Why do they make it so very difficult?
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Got to beat this heat
The last few days have been rough for me. During the heat I have mowed my lawn, cleaned Wills therapy room (formerly known as my dining room) - took 3 hours of hard work and 3 trash bags full of trash. On top of that I have cleaned up around the rest of the house, done 3 loads of laundry, the dishes and a multitude of little things that always need to be done around the house.
Anyway, as anyone with MS knows that the heat is not our friend. Not only does it sap only strength all on its own, but when I add other activities that are strenuous it can be very detrimental. In fact, I am not supposed to even mow
the lawn at all because it makes me ill.
So why do I mow the lawn? Because I am now a single mom and home owner. I can't afford to pay anyone to mow for me, and my ex ( who is at my house watching our son 4 days a week, and promised to help for Wills sake) doesn't help out with that. He has since changes his mind about helping since he doesn't live here anymore. Oh well, I guess I can't complain about that as he's right he doesn't live here anymore. Would I like the help? Of course! However, I'm not good at asking and/or accepting help especially when he has never done a good job and it frustrates me to have to go back as redo what wasn't done well in the first place.
Sorry, let's get back on track. So all this heat and added activities have not been good on my feelings of well-being. I am feeling nauseous, extreme fatigue- to the point of spending hours on my couch unable to open my eyes or speak without slurring my words, my whole body is achy and I have a very small appetite (should be happy about this, but from past experience it never ends in me losing weight in a healthy long term way) and I end up not drinking enough water. I mean, I can go all day without drinking water. I'm not proud of it, and I know that it's exacerbating my symptoms but I just can't seem to make myself drink like I should.
So, what do I do to beat this heat? Well, this is what I'm doing tonight- I'm sleeping with the air conditioner on high, I'm forcing myself to drink some water and taking a cooling shower before going to bed early. And I will be using my cold marble stones on my neck and face to help cool down as well.
What I should have done this week- re-evaluated doing some of these strenuous activities. Did they REALLY need to be done or could they have waited? I could have gotten more sleep, had much more to drink then I did. And stay as cool and stress free as possible.
Hope I make better decisions next time around. How do you beat the heat? Or are you one of those people who thrive on the heat?
Anyway, as anyone with MS knows that the heat is not our friend. Not only does it sap only strength all on its own, but when I add other activities that are strenuous it can be very detrimental. In fact, I am not supposed to even mow
the lawn at all because it makes me ill.
So why do I mow the lawn? Because I am now a single mom and home owner. I can't afford to pay anyone to mow for me, and my ex ( who is at my house watching our son 4 days a week, and promised to help for Wills sake) doesn't help out with that. He has since changes his mind about helping since he doesn't live here anymore. Oh well, I guess I can't complain about that as he's right he doesn't live here anymore. Would I like the help? Of course! However, I'm not good at asking and/or accepting help especially when he has never done a good job and it frustrates me to have to go back as redo what wasn't done well in the first place.
Sorry, let's get back on track. So all this heat and added activities have not been good on my feelings of well-being. I am feeling nauseous, extreme fatigue- to the point of spending hours on my couch unable to open my eyes or speak without slurring my words, my whole body is achy and I have a very small appetite (should be happy about this, but from past experience it never ends in me losing weight in a healthy long term way) and I end up not drinking enough water. I mean, I can go all day without drinking water. I'm not proud of it, and I know that it's exacerbating my symptoms but I just can't seem to make myself drink like I should.
So, what do I do to beat this heat? Well, this is what I'm doing tonight- I'm sleeping with the air conditioner on high, I'm forcing myself to drink some water and taking a cooling shower before going to bed early. And I will be using my cold marble stones on my neck and face to help cool down as well.
What I should have done this week- re-evaluated doing some of these strenuous activities. Did they REALLY need to be done or could they have waited? I could have gotten more sleep, had much more to drink then I did. And stay as cool and stress free as possible.
Hope I make better decisions next time around. How do you beat the heat? Or are you one of those people who thrive on the heat?
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Aspie vs boy
As time goes by I'm having a harder and harder time distinguishing my sons behaviors. Are they aspie traits? Or is this what all little boys do?
Ever since we got the diagnosis I think I have used it to explain everything h away. I justified this because my son was not a "typical" boy. He had no interest in anything I would think of as boy stuff. In fact for the last couple of years he was adamant he was a girl. He has since told me in the last couple months that he is definitely a boy.
Do other parents do this? I had to bring Will to my office a few weeks ago. I needed to talk to my manager about work stuff. Will ended up in someone's office showing them his game on his DS. He explained the intricacies of the game. The next day my coworker said she enjoyed missing Will. I said something about his obsessive aspie trait with all things electronic. She responded with: "sounds just like a boy to me."
Huh, it does doesn't it. How often do I explain to myself and others behaviors as aspie when it most likely a boy being a boy.
I have a feeling I'm too quick to jump on the aspie train and not quick enough to realize that I have a boy, and boys will be boys.
Am I the only parent who has done this? Does it really matter if I can't tell the difference sometimes?
Ever since we got the diagnosis I think I have used it to explain everything h away. I justified this because my son was not a "typical" boy. He had no interest in anything I would think of as boy stuff. In fact for the last couple of years he was adamant he was a girl. He has since told me in the last couple months that he is definitely a boy.
Do other parents do this? I had to bring Will to my office a few weeks ago. I needed to talk to my manager about work stuff. Will ended up in someone's office showing them his game on his DS. He explained the intricacies of the game. The next day my coworker said she enjoyed missing Will. I said something about his obsessive aspie trait with all things electronic. She responded with: "sounds just like a boy to me."
Huh, it does doesn't it. How often do I explain to myself and others behaviors as aspie when it most likely a boy being a boy.
I have a feeling I'm too quick to jump on the aspie train and not quick enough to realize that I have a boy, and boys will be boys.
Am I the only parent who has done this? Does it really matter if I can't tell the difference sometimes?
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Why I blog and how I got started
I started blogging a little more than a year ago with Emily's Perspective (emilysperspective@blogspot.com) A friend of mine told me I should blog about my experiences. See I should tell you if you haven't seen that blog: I can have quite a unique outlook on things. She told me it was funny so I should record it. So I did, can't tell me I'm not my own person. I then started
This blog and one other (anartfilledlife@blogspot.com). The other was because I wanted something that would keep me on track with my arts/crafts/recipes/photos. See, I'm very inspired by crafting etc. and love to do it all (some stuff not as good as others, but I still enjoy it) and this was a way to make art a priority in my life. I have to say honestly that life has gotten in the way of keeping up with that blog as much as I would like, but I'll get there.
Then there is this blog. It started as an online journal. A place to process my life and everything in it. Now, it still is a journal, but along the way I decided I wanted to open it up for others to read and hopefully find interesting enough to follow. I decided that I wanted to share with other women my experiences and life in the hope that it might inspire as well as help them feel like they are not alone.
I still write to journal and process, and sometimes vent. But I write to inspire myself and remind myself of where we were and how far we have come too. If I can share with people who have amazing ASD children, or people with MS, or people going through divorce, or any combination then it makes this journaling/blogging even more worthwhile than it already is.
So, I hope you enjoy, learn, are inspired by what I write, but first and foremost I find that I am writing for myself. And that is good enough for me.
This blog and one other (anartfilledlife@blogspot.com). The other was because I wanted something that would keep me on track with my arts/crafts/recipes/photos. See, I'm very inspired by crafting etc. and love to do it all (some stuff not as good as others, but I still enjoy it) and this was a way to make art a priority in my life. I have to say honestly that life has gotten in the way of keeping up with that blog as much as I would like, but I'll get there.
Then there is this blog. It started as an online journal. A place to process my life and everything in it. Now, it still is a journal, but along the way I decided I wanted to open it up for others to read and hopefully find interesting enough to follow. I decided that I wanted to share with other women my experiences and life in the hope that it might inspire as well as help them feel like they are not alone.
I still write to journal and process, and sometimes vent. But I write to inspire myself and remind myself of where we were and how far we have come too. If I can share with people who have amazing ASD children, or people with MS, or people going through divorce, or any combination then it makes this journaling/blogging even more worthwhile than it already is.
So, I hope you enjoy, learn, are inspired by what I write, but first and foremost I find that I am writing for myself. And that is good enough for me.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Today started like any other day
Having a long stretch of good behavior makes me worry the longer it lasts. Why? I'm waiting for the other show to drop. Now this begs the question am I manifesting the meltdowns when they happen?
I happen to strongly believe in the idea of "thought before form" and "like attracts like". Maybe a little weird for some, I definitely think I believe this so strongly has to do with my REIKI and Polarity training. These are both forms of energy work which gently brings your body into alignment and balance as well as boosts peace and well being.
Today started out like any other day in the recent past. We had a slow morning, then I dropped Will off at school for 3 hours. When I went to pick him up he was all excited showing me a sign he made for selling seaweed at the beach. (yeah, he's brilliant, funny, inventive and a little weird sometimes. But he's mine and I wouldn't change him at all.)
When I explained that his dad would be over in an hour so I could go to work and I hadn't eaten lunch yet so going to the beach wouldn't be happening in the next hour he became upset. This lasted when I said no to a rootbeer and then told him to "take some time" to calm and let me finish a phone call to a dear friend who just got home from the hospital.
Anyway, he started screaming and swearing at me his best(worst) was calling me a "f-ing B". I took the laptop he's been borrowing from his dad and put it away. He did not take this well. This is the point he physically started attacking me. Hitting, kicking, scratching and the occasional bite. Throughout he was screaming it was all my fault, that I was making him act like this, I was making him keep being angry (I had removed myself from the room and was ignoring him at this point, but hey I guess I can see how I was continuing the escalation....)
When he realized I wasn't taking the bait he finally had his emotional release and cried. He then apologized for- get this, MY inability to take responsibility for causing and perpetuating the meltdown. (my words, he's smart but he's not using words like perpetuate quite yet.). THEN he apologized for swearing, hitting, etc. I was then told that we BOTH need to work on our tempers. This kid is too smart for my own good.
I was asked if I accepted his apology. He sat right up close to me on the couch with tears in his eyes. What could I say? "yes honey, I accept your apology. Thank you for apologizing."
From that moment on, all was right in his world again. He turned his back to me and told (not asked) me to scratch his back. Back scratching is his most used coping tool. We use it when he's upset, de-escalating, tired, etc. and sometimes just cause he has an itch.
So the question begs asking: did I manifest this meltdown because I have been thinking we were due for one anytime now? Or was it just a natural event that would have happened even if I had been thinking of puppies and kittens?
I happen to strongly believe in the idea of "thought before form" and "like attracts like". Maybe a little weird for some, I definitely think I believe this so strongly has to do with my REIKI and Polarity training. These are both forms of energy work which gently brings your body into alignment and balance as well as boosts peace and well being.
Today started out like any other day in the recent past. We had a slow morning, then I dropped Will off at school for 3 hours. When I went to pick him up he was all excited showing me a sign he made for selling seaweed at the beach. (yeah, he's brilliant, funny, inventive and a little weird sometimes. But he's mine and I wouldn't change him at all.)
When I explained that his dad would be over in an hour so I could go to work and I hadn't eaten lunch yet so going to the beach wouldn't be happening in the next hour he became upset. This lasted when I said no to a rootbeer and then told him to "take some time" to calm and let me finish a phone call to a dear friend who just got home from the hospital.
Anyway, he started screaming and swearing at me his best(worst) was calling me a "f-ing B". I took the laptop he's been borrowing from his dad and put it away. He did not take this well. This is the point he physically started attacking me. Hitting, kicking, scratching and the occasional bite. Throughout he was screaming it was all my fault, that I was making him act like this, I was making him keep being angry (I had removed myself from the room and was ignoring him at this point, but hey I guess I can see how I was continuing the escalation....)
When he realized I wasn't taking the bait he finally had his emotional release and cried. He then apologized for- get this, MY inability to take responsibility for causing and perpetuating the meltdown. (my words, he's smart but he's not using words like perpetuate quite yet.). THEN he apologized for swearing, hitting, etc. I was then told that we BOTH need to work on our tempers. This kid is too smart for my own good.
I was asked if I accepted his apology. He sat right up close to me on the couch with tears in his eyes. What could I say? "yes honey, I accept your apology. Thank you for apologizing."
From that moment on, all was right in his world again. He turned his back to me and told (not asked) me to scratch his back. Back scratching is his most used coping tool. We use it when he's upset, de-escalating, tired, etc. and sometimes just cause he has an itch.
So the question begs asking: did I manifest this meltdown because I have been thinking we were due for one anytime now? Or was it just a natural event that would have happened even if I had been thinking of puppies and kittens?
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Jeans anyone?
So my son has not worn jeans, khakis, polo shirts or button down shirts in at least 6 years. This is a VERY common theme with ASD kids. The sensitivity to fabrics and/or tags. I was cutting tags out for years until the tag less shirts etc became so popular. God bless tag less clothes!
My son has been wearing jersey shorts in the summer and sweatpants in the winter and pullover t-shirts long and short sleeve (depending on weather) for as long as I can remember. I have gotten all manner of looks and comments from family, friends and even strangers for his dress choices- especially when we are at a more "dressy" function.
It's amazing the judgments people can and often will make about my parenting and the rest of us who raise our oh-so-special children.
Anyway, back on topic Emily! So, as I was saying, my soon-to-be-ex and I had a discussion about introducing new articles of clothing while W was in Spring Harbor but neither one of us did a thing about it. Since he's been home he wears the same old clothes he's always worn with the exception of a button down shirt to a funeral (a HUGe milestone!). But the pants remain the same.
Needless to say, by little boy is quickly becoming my very big boy. His shorts from last summer don't fit anymore. In fact they look a LOT like hot pants these days. (amusing to me, but quite uncomfortable for him as well as embarrassing in public). So I went shopping, praying to find the "right kind of shorts". I was lucky and found several. I also found a great deal on some jean shorts. I bought 2 pairs, and kept the receipt knowing they would be returned shortly. Boy was I surprised! Today he put them on without a comment. OMGoodness!!! I can't use enough exclamation points on this one people. It was amazing. I hope this will open us up to a more varied wardrobe. If not, that's ok too. Wearing these shorts once in a while is more than I have dreamed of in a VERY long time. Life is good.
My son has been wearing jersey shorts in the summer and sweatpants in the winter and pullover t-shirts long and short sleeve (depending on weather) for as long as I can remember. I have gotten all manner of looks and comments from family, friends and even strangers for his dress choices- especially when we are at a more "dressy" function.
It's amazing the judgments people can and often will make about my parenting and the rest of us who raise our oh-so-special children.
Anyway, back on topic Emily! So, as I was saying, my soon-to-be-ex and I had a discussion about introducing new articles of clothing while W was in Spring Harbor but neither one of us did a thing about it. Since he's been home he wears the same old clothes he's always worn with the exception of a button down shirt to a funeral (a HUGe milestone!). But the pants remain the same.
Needless to say, by little boy is quickly becoming my very big boy. His shorts from last summer don't fit anymore. In fact they look a LOT like hot pants these days. (amusing to me, but quite uncomfortable for him as well as embarrassing in public). So I went shopping, praying to find the "right kind of shorts". I was lucky and found several. I also found a great deal on some jean shorts. I bought 2 pairs, and kept the receipt knowing they would be returned shortly. Boy was I surprised! Today he put them on without a comment. OMGoodness!!! I can't use enough exclamation points on this one people. It was amazing. I hope this will open us up to a more varied wardrobe. If not, that's ok too. Wearing these shorts once in a while is more than I have dreamed of in a VERY long time. Life is good.
Friday, July 6, 2012
My life with Autism is Different Now...
I have been spending a lot of time lately (between work-insanity, spending precious moments with my son, well, actually that's about it. No time for anything else) reading the blogs and posts of others who have ADS children. First let me say, my computer
Is down and might never get back up again so everything is being done by my smart phone---God bless smart phones. So I can't set up links to anyone, that and I'm technologically hopeless. But I do want to give shout outs to Autism Daddy, Bacon and Juice Boxes and Autism Mumma. There are more but I have to move on for now.
First let me say that each and every one of you bloggers out there who have children with autism are amazing and insightful people. I truly enjoy reading what you have to say. It helps me look at my situation in a different light, with new insights and understanding. And sometimes you just make me laugh when I need it most. So thank you for being you and sharing your journey with me.
Now on to the post. I realized while reading everyone that I have not posted a lot about my life with autism, at least not lately. My posts have been taken up with everything else going on in my life, none of which are MORE important than my son.
My life with autism is different now than it was 6 months ago, partly due to Spring Harbor, which was a blessing in our lives, but partly due to time. My son is very high functioning, he is delayed in motor skills- fine and gross, he has more sensory issues than you can shake a stick at (always wondered what that meant) and has a lot of aggressive tendencies. Meaning when the going gets tough for Will, the stuffing gets beat out of me, or his teachers. Now SH has helped with the aggressiveness, although its not gone. In fact I've seen an increase since school got out.
What does this mean in my life? Well, like a lot of you, it means a lot of planning. It means that I turn down invitations for things, or invite people over to my messy house instead for a more easily controlled environment. (I find that most people either decline to come or never even respond which can be disheartening, but that's the way the cookie crumbles)
It's all about the schedule, the routine, and the prep at my house. I'm sure most parents can agree those are key factors. I also try to find a balance with pushing Will out of his comfort zone (gently and slowly of course) to help him grow in what he will tolerate, and even enjoy. His dad recently took him to FunTown (local amusement park). I was so proud to hear he went on several rides including the Log Flume- granted that was only ONCE! But he did it and realized it could be fun in a terrifying kind of way.
I am lucky in that my son is able to be pushed sometimes, unlike a lot of ASD kids. The trick is to learn when and how far. When I make a mistake the ramifications can last for hours, days and even on one occasion weeks.
When things are good, my son is the sweetest boy I know. He hugs and kisses me, tells me he loves me and tells me I'm one of the best people he knows. We're having many more good days than bad since SH and for that I am grateful. As I write he is playing with his toys on his own (has always needed an adult to play with in the past, I know quite the twist on the typical ASD kid right?) waiting patiently for me to make him lunch.
So the child I have today is different from last year, and I can't wait to see who he will become in the future.....
Is down and might never get back up again so everything is being done by my smart phone---God bless smart phones. So I can't set up links to anyone, that and I'm technologically hopeless. But I do want to give shout outs to Autism Daddy, Bacon and Juice Boxes and Autism Mumma. There are more but I have to move on for now.
First let me say that each and every one of you bloggers out there who have children with autism are amazing and insightful people. I truly enjoy reading what you have to say. It helps me look at my situation in a different light, with new insights and understanding. And sometimes you just make me laugh when I need it most. So thank you for being you and sharing your journey with me.
Now on to the post. I realized while reading everyone that I have not posted a lot about my life with autism, at least not lately. My posts have been taken up with everything else going on in my life, none of which are MORE important than my son.
My life with autism is different now than it was 6 months ago, partly due to Spring Harbor, which was a blessing in our lives, but partly due to time. My son is very high functioning, he is delayed in motor skills- fine and gross, he has more sensory issues than you can shake a stick at (always wondered what that meant) and has a lot of aggressive tendencies. Meaning when the going gets tough for Will, the stuffing gets beat out of me, or his teachers. Now SH has helped with the aggressiveness, although its not gone. In fact I've seen an increase since school got out.
What does this mean in my life? Well, like a lot of you, it means a lot of planning. It means that I turn down invitations for things, or invite people over to my messy house instead for a more easily controlled environment. (I find that most people either decline to come or never even respond which can be disheartening, but that's the way the cookie crumbles)
It's all about the schedule, the routine, and the prep at my house. I'm sure most parents can agree those are key factors. I also try to find a balance with pushing Will out of his comfort zone (gently and slowly of course) to help him grow in what he will tolerate, and even enjoy. His dad recently took him to FunTown (local amusement park). I was so proud to hear he went on several rides including the Log Flume- granted that was only ONCE! But he did it and realized it could be fun in a terrifying kind of way.
I am lucky in that my son is able to be pushed sometimes, unlike a lot of ASD kids. The trick is to learn when and how far. When I make a mistake the ramifications can last for hours, days and even on one occasion weeks.
When things are good, my son is the sweetest boy I know. He hugs and kisses me, tells me he loves me and tells me I'm one of the best people he knows. We're having many more good days than bad since SH and for that I am grateful. As I write he is playing with his toys on his own (has always needed an adult to play with in the past, I know quite the twist on the typical ASD kid right?) waiting patiently for me to make him lunch.
So the child I have today is different from last year, and I can't wait to see who he will become in the future.....
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Let me help with that
Do you have someone in your life who likes to help sometimes? And every time they "help" it makes more work for you? It would have been better if they kept their help for themselves right?
My soon-to-be-ex is like that. Sometimes he's a lot of things, helpful NOT being one of them. Sometimes he just wants to help, well at least that's what HE says. Personally I think the jury's still out on whether or not he really is trying to help or not.
Anyway, every time he decides to help its a disaster for me. I end up undoing and redoing or just plain doing more to fix what got screwed up. If you don't know me, I like to do things 1. The first time around, 2. As quickly and easily as possible. Nothing frustrates me more than having to go behind someone else because of incompetence, laziness, or just plain doing a half-assed job. (please excuse the language). Needless to say I get frustrated a lot with the soon-to-be-ex.
I would much rather do it myself in the first place, save half the energy, the frustration and the time. I have repeatedly asked him not to help. I have thanked him for wanting to help, but explained as nicely as I could that it's easier on me in many ways to just do it myself.
Why am I bringing this up? Well, I came home the other night to find twigs littering my lawn. When asked why they were there my s-t-b-ex stated that a large limb fell from one of the trees in the yard and he broke it up for me. Does he not realize that now instead of moving a limb, or a couple of manageable sized pieces of a limb to the brush pile is infinitely easier than picking up hundreds of little pieces of twigs of varying sizes and making several trips? And then having to take up the REALLY small pieces? Does he remember that most yard work is hard for me, especially in all the heat we've been having- due to it being the middle of summer- and all the stress I've been under which causes my MS to flair up!
This is just the last in a long line of "helpful acts" which cause me more work, stress, frustration, fatigue, and yes anger.
It's easier to not get upset when my son is the one "helping" because with his autism it's a miracle he wants to help in the first place and I want to encourage that behavior. But my s-t-b-ex? He's 41 now, I can't think of an excuse that would work for him. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate any person wanting to help, and let's face it, I'm not good at accepting help but appreciating the thought and appreciating the extra everything it puts on me are 2 VERY different things.
So, thank you for WANTING to help, and thank you for helping (if you do it so I'm actually helped), but PLEASE don't help if it makes it harder for me. That's not helping. Not in the least.
My soon-to-be-ex is like that. Sometimes he's a lot of things, helpful NOT being one of them. Sometimes he just wants to help, well at least that's what HE says. Personally I think the jury's still out on whether or not he really is trying to help or not.
Anyway, every time he decides to help its a disaster for me. I end up undoing and redoing or just plain doing more to fix what got screwed up. If you don't know me, I like to do things 1. The first time around, 2. As quickly and easily as possible. Nothing frustrates me more than having to go behind someone else because of incompetence, laziness, or just plain doing a half-assed job. (please excuse the language). Needless to say I get frustrated a lot with the soon-to-be-ex.
I would much rather do it myself in the first place, save half the energy, the frustration and the time. I have repeatedly asked him not to help. I have thanked him for wanting to help, but explained as nicely as I could that it's easier on me in many ways to just do it myself.
Why am I bringing this up? Well, I came home the other night to find twigs littering my lawn. When asked why they were there my s-t-b-ex stated that a large limb fell from one of the trees in the yard and he broke it up for me. Does he not realize that now instead of moving a limb, or a couple of manageable sized pieces of a limb to the brush pile is infinitely easier than picking up hundreds of little pieces of twigs of varying sizes and making several trips? And then having to take up the REALLY small pieces? Does he remember that most yard work is hard for me, especially in all the heat we've been having- due to it being the middle of summer- and all the stress I've been under which causes my MS to flair up!
This is just the last in a long line of "helpful acts" which cause me more work, stress, frustration, fatigue, and yes anger.
It's easier to not get upset when my son is the one "helping" because with his autism it's a miracle he wants to help in the first place and I want to encourage that behavior. But my s-t-b-ex? He's 41 now, I can't think of an excuse that would work for him. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate any person wanting to help, and let's face it, I'm not good at accepting help but appreciating the thought and appreciating the extra everything it puts on me are 2 VERY different things.
So, thank you for WANTING to help, and thank you for helping (if you do it so I'm actually helped), but PLEASE don't help if it makes it harder for me. That's not helping. Not in the least.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
I feel a rant coming on....
I love what I do for work (well, most of the time). I have spent a month turning myself and my schedule inside out trying to make the schedule work at all 3 programs I work in. See, my manager has happily handed over the scheduling for all 3 to me. I have been doing the schedule for the last year. Sometimes it's ok - like when no one wants time off and we are fully staffed - and other times it's a nightmare. Well, it's been a nightmare for over a month straight. We are no longer allowed to use any overtime. So finding coverage for vacations has become a much more frustrating, impossible and overwhelming ordeal.
I have been covering shifts every week and tweaking my regular hours to minimize the overtime. Well, I have had a call out for this afternoon (that's right, on the 4th of July. Cause people are just lined up to work a holiday for a company that doesn't pay holiday pay- you smelled the sarcasm right?) well, I'm covering at said house this morning because day programs are closed and now I'm stuck here with mandatory overtime. Oh well, sucks to be me right? Well, it's not just me...I'm supposed to be at my regular Wednesday shift 3-11pm at another house. See where I'm going with this? Not only am I stuck here, my other staff is stuck at the other house on his time off. No one wants to cancel their plans and help out, so my coworker and I are stuck at our respective programs.
Ok, that wasn't the rant.....really? Yes really. That was just the set up for my rant. I'll try to keep it short and sweet. Here goes:
My soon to be ex came over to watch Will this morning, saw I was upset and said to me: there's no reason to get upset, it's nothing personal right? Well, it's ALWAYS personal to someone. The company changes a schedule- its unavoidable, it needed to be done, it's nothing personal. Ok, I get that it needed to be done, but it's personal for the people who now have to rearrange their schedules and make it work for them and their families. A company has to make budget cuts and can't afford for staff to eat the food at programs, but it's nothing personal. Really? Again, I get that budget cuts have to happen and the money has to come from somewhere, but it's personal to the people who were counting on those meals when at work because they can't afford to buy more food every week. A company has mandatory overtime because life happens and sometimes people don't show for a shift or call out. We can't leave our consumers alone can we? It's nothing personal. Well, it is personal for the person who has to work a double (or in my case a triple one time) and has to cancel important plans with family, friends, other jobs.
So yes, I take it personally when I and the people I work with get stuck with the unfair changes to their lives and schedules. I understand it's unavoidable, but it doesn't mean it's not personal. So why am I supposed to harden my heart and not care? It IS personal, and someone needs to acknowledge that and feel it so that it can be handled with as much compassion and understanding as possible.
There, I'm done now. Have a wonderful day.
I have been covering shifts every week and tweaking my regular hours to minimize the overtime. Well, I have had a call out for this afternoon (that's right, on the 4th of July. Cause people are just lined up to work a holiday for a company that doesn't pay holiday pay- you smelled the sarcasm right?) well, I'm covering at said house this morning because day programs are closed and now I'm stuck here with mandatory overtime. Oh well, sucks to be me right? Well, it's not just me...I'm supposed to be at my regular Wednesday shift 3-11pm at another house. See where I'm going with this? Not only am I stuck here, my other staff is stuck at the other house on his time off. No one wants to cancel their plans and help out, so my coworker and I are stuck at our respective programs.
Ok, that wasn't the rant.....really? Yes really. That was just the set up for my rant. I'll try to keep it short and sweet. Here goes:
My soon to be ex came over to watch Will this morning, saw I was upset and said to me: there's no reason to get upset, it's nothing personal right? Well, it's ALWAYS personal to someone. The company changes a schedule- its unavoidable, it needed to be done, it's nothing personal. Ok, I get that it needed to be done, but it's personal for the people who now have to rearrange their schedules and make it work for them and their families. A company has to make budget cuts and can't afford for staff to eat the food at programs, but it's nothing personal. Really? Again, I get that budget cuts have to happen and the money has to come from somewhere, but it's personal to the people who were counting on those meals when at work because they can't afford to buy more food every week. A company has mandatory overtime because life happens and sometimes people don't show for a shift or call out. We can't leave our consumers alone can we? It's nothing personal. Well, it is personal for the person who has to work a double (or in my case a triple one time) and has to cancel important plans with family, friends, other jobs.
So yes, I take it personally when I and the people I work with get stuck with the unfair changes to their lives and schedules. I understand it's unavoidable, but it doesn't mean it's not personal. So why am I supposed to harden my heart and not care? It IS personal, and someone needs to acknowledge that and feel it so that it can be handled with as much compassion and understanding as possible.
There, I'm done now. Have a wonderful day.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Inspiration continued
As I have stated, in my last post I was able to be there to support my dear friend Wally, who is an inspiration for all who meet him. I was blessed enough to be there for his first sermon back at the pulpit (or actually, beside it in his wheelchair) he gave a VERY inspirational sermon which touched everyone in the church. He has such a unique way of looking at things and interpreting them.
I must admit, I assumed that his sermon for Vespers that night would be a modified version of the mornings message. Well, you know what they say about assuming right?
Vespers was as inspirational as the morning service. And completely different. Wally spoke of saints, during his talk I learned about his journey through the ministry and all the saints he met along the way. He reminded us that we all have saints in our lives if we only look and see them for who they really are.
Wally is certainly one of my saints, but there are many more that have left footprints in my life. I pass on Wally's challenge- sit down sometime and think back on your life, who are your saints?
I must admit, I assumed that his sermon for Vespers that night would be a modified version of the mornings message. Well, you know what they say about assuming right?
Vespers was as inspirational as the morning service. And completely different. Wally spoke of saints, during his talk I learned about his journey through the ministry and all the saints he met along the way. He reminded us that we all have saints in our lives if we only look and see them for who they really are.
Wally is certainly one of my saints, but there are many more that have left footprints in my life. I pass on Wally's challenge- sit down sometime and think back on your life, who are your saints?
Sunday, July 1, 2012
A true inspiration
As I have stated I am spending my weekend in the greatest place on earth (at least for me and any others who have spent their summers at the Grove). I spent my last post talking about the Grove, what it means to me and also part of the reason I am here this weekend.
I would like to take this opportunity to talk about the other reason I am here THIS weekend. I will be the first to admit that I don't attend church regularly (much). I can't attend Sunday services because I work all day every Sunday. But let's face it, that's an excuse. I wasn't attending even when I worked Saturdays instead of Sunday's. Then the excuse was my son. I I'm going to be honest- I'm full of excuses when it comes to organized religion, but more on that later.
There are very few ministers/reverends/pastors I enjoy listening to, ad most if not all array the Grove. My favorite is the Reverend Walter Webb (goes by Wally). I asked him to officiate my marriage, baptize my son, and always go to him when I have a problem I need to talk out. He is ALWAYS ready with a friendly ear, shoulder to cry on, and always with a BAD joke. In fact whenever he tells me. a bad joke he asks if it should go in "The Joke Jar". I once asked him about the jar and he said that when he dies he wants everyone who attends his funeral to pull a joke out of the jar and read it aloud so we can feel him close. I like this idea and may do something similar (if not steal his idea outright- see, I know Wally would be flattered and not offended).
Anyway, about 6 months ago Wally was in a terrible car accident which has left him if not permanently, then at least for a very long time unable to walk, and very limited control/movement of his arms. This man who has done so much for the Grove, ad his community now has to rely almost completely on everyone else now. I might also mention here that last summer he and his wife lost their only child.
I share all this because I get in here and "vent" about the struggles in my life- and while I'm doing that, this amazing man is so very positive, he is still listening to others with their small complaints, still quick to offer a shoulder, still smiling and telling his bad jokes.
Six months after his terrible, life changing accident he was back in the front of his church for the very first time, and I was there to see a d hear him. It was so very moving.
We read the 23 psalm together, as a reading and again during his sermon. He pointed out that wen we are in a good place we often don't have much use for God and he is a HE. But, when things are bad, he becomes a Thou. Then he becomes important. How interesting to see it so plainly written in the bible if we only take the time to really read the words. Reminds me of a song "Laughing With" by Regina Spector.
Wally reminds us to not forget God wen things are good, and when they are bad- know that God is close then too.
We are spending another night in this sacred place to drink up the tranquility and full my soul with peace before reentering the world, but also because Wally is preaching at Vespers tonight too. What a first day back- 2 services in one day. I am do blessed to have this positive man in my life. He reminds me to look to the positive, stay focused in the good, and always- remember God is always close.
I know I'm a work in progress, but I need to spend more time at the Grove, I forget my lessons too quickly in the outside world, and miss out in too many bad jokes. Have a blessed day.
I would like to take this opportunity to talk about the other reason I am here THIS weekend. I will be the first to admit that I don't attend church regularly (much). I can't attend Sunday services because I work all day every Sunday. But let's face it, that's an excuse. I wasn't attending even when I worked Saturdays instead of Sunday's. Then the excuse was my son. I I'm going to be honest- I'm full of excuses when it comes to organized religion, but more on that later.
There are very few ministers/reverends/pastors I enjoy listening to, ad most if not all array the Grove. My favorite is the Reverend Walter Webb (goes by Wally). I asked him to officiate my marriage, baptize my son, and always go to him when I have a problem I need to talk out. He is ALWAYS ready with a friendly ear, shoulder to cry on, and always with a BAD joke. In fact whenever he tells me. a bad joke he asks if it should go in "The Joke Jar". I once asked him about the jar and he said that when he dies he wants everyone who attends his funeral to pull a joke out of the jar and read it aloud so we can feel him close. I like this idea and may do something similar (if not steal his idea outright- see, I know Wally would be flattered and not offended).
Anyway, about 6 months ago Wally was in a terrible car accident which has left him if not permanently, then at least for a very long time unable to walk, and very limited control/movement of his arms. This man who has done so much for the Grove, ad his community now has to rely almost completely on everyone else now. I might also mention here that last summer he and his wife lost their only child.
I share all this because I get in here and "vent" about the struggles in my life- and while I'm doing that, this amazing man is so very positive, he is still listening to others with their small complaints, still quick to offer a shoulder, still smiling and telling his bad jokes.
Six months after his terrible, life changing accident he was back in the front of his church for the very first time, and I was there to see a d hear him. It was so very moving.
We read the 23 psalm together, as a reading and again during his sermon. He pointed out that wen we are in a good place we often don't have much use for God and he is a HE. But, when things are bad, he becomes a Thou. Then he becomes important. How interesting to see it so plainly written in the bible if we only take the time to really read the words. Reminds me of a song "Laughing With" by Regina Spector.
Wally reminds us to not forget God wen things are good, and when they are bad- know that God is close then too.
We are spending another night in this sacred place to drink up the tranquility and full my soul with peace before reentering the world, but also because Wally is preaching at Vespers tonight too. What a first day back- 2 services in one day. I am do blessed to have this positive man in my life. He reminds me to look to the positive, stay focused in the good, and always- remember God is always close.
I know I'm a work in progress, but I need to spend more time at the Grove, I forget my lessons too quickly in the outside world, and miss out in too many bad jokes. Have a blessed day.
Empire Grove
So, here I am rocking in my chair in my camp (Comfort Cottage) at Empire Grove. Being here is like coming home. God has wrapped me up in his loving arms and said "welcome back, I've missed you."
This has always been a special place for me. I have been coming here every year for 33 years. I come for every camp meeting, and whenever I can get here besides. I'll admit I haven't been here as much in the past few years outside of camp meeting, but this summer I am trying to change that.
The closer I get to the Grove, the more aware I become of the tension I have been carrying. The sorrow, anger, resentments, worries all become clearer. Not worse, not more intense, just clearer as to how much I've been carrying them and for how long. However, as soon as I see that sign coming up on my left, I turn off the music and roll down my windows (it helps when it is a nice day) and take my first deep breath of heaven. And you know what? My mind automatically quiets, my spirit is soothed and lifted. This is the only place on earth for me, it is surely magical here. My second family awaits me, to hold me in their arms, listen, laugh, cry and pray for me. Or just sit quietly out on a porch and swat mosquitos while watching the world go slowly by.
Time does not seem to move in the same way here at the Grove. It simultaneously moves slower and faster than the outside world. I have stepped back in time. I do not have access to tv shows, (I do have a tv/DVD player for movies) I do not have running water (used to have seasonal water but the pump died so we go without) or a bathroom (does a chemical toilet really count?) but have to walk to the bathrooms when in need of a toilet and/or shower. There is a washing machine but only a community line to dry from. Our children really do become "our children" here. We look out for and take care of everyone. This is a closed little community and as such, Will has the freedom to come and go as he pleases (as long as he lets me know where he's going- generally speaking) it also means that I can come and go as I please to an extent as well. Ahhh, the freedom that presents. As he has grown that freedom is expanding. The last 3 years have been hard here with Will because he was struggling, however this year he is much more apt to want to be outside and playing with his friend and being separated from me for periods of time so that I can visit with these wonderful people I call my family through God. It feels pretty miraculous this year to be here. And much more the sanctuary it has always been for me.
Part of me wishes I could afford to move here and always live in this blessed space. I truly feel that one day I will do just that, but for now I believe it is best served as the sanctuary and balm to my bruised and weary soul that it is. I will be spending as much of my summer here as is possible this year and call myself unusually blessed to have found such a place in earth that speaks to me so clearly and strongly. I truly feel closer to my God here and thank him for giving me this place to heal, replenish and pray.
This has always been a special place for me. I have been coming here every year for 33 years. I come for every camp meeting, and whenever I can get here besides. I'll admit I haven't been here as much in the past few years outside of camp meeting, but this summer I am trying to change that.
The closer I get to the Grove, the more aware I become of the tension I have been carrying. The sorrow, anger, resentments, worries all become clearer. Not worse, not more intense, just clearer as to how much I've been carrying them and for how long. However, as soon as I see that sign coming up on my left, I turn off the music and roll down my windows (it helps when it is a nice day) and take my first deep breath of heaven. And you know what? My mind automatically quiets, my spirit is soothed and lifted. This is the only place on earth for me, it is surely magical here. My second family awaits me, to hold me in their arms, listen, laugh, cry and pray for me. Or just sit quietly out on a porch and swat mosquitos while watching the world go slowly by.
Time does not seem to move in the same way here at the Grove. It simultaneously moves slower and faster than the outside world. I have stepped back in time. I do not have access to tv shows, (I do have a tv/DVD player for movies) I do not have running water (used to have seasonal water but the pump died so we go without) or a bathroom (does a chemical toilet really count?) but have to walk to the bathrooms when in need of a toilet and/or shower. There is a washing machine but only a community line to dry from. Our children really do become "our children" here. We look out for and take care of everyone. This is a closed little community and as such, Will has the freedom to come and go as he pleases (as long as he lets me know where he's going- generally speaking) it also means that I can come and go as I please to an extent as well. Ahhh, the freedom that presents. As he has grown that freedom is expanding. The last 3 years have been hard here with Will because he was struggling, however this year he is much more apt to want to be outside and playing with his friend and being separated from me for periods of time so that I can visit with these wonderful people I call my family through God. It feels pretty miraculous this year to be here. And much more the sanctuary it has always been for me.
Part of me wishes I could afford to move here and always live in this blessed space. I truly feel that one day I will do just that, but for now I believe it is best served as the sanctuary and balm to my bruised and weary soul that it is. I will be spending as much of my summer here as is possible this year and call myself unusually blessed to have found such a place in earth that speaks to me so clearly and strongly. I truly feel closer to my God here and thank him for giving me this place to heal, replenish and pray.
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