Will I ever change?

What do I mean by that you ask? I mean, will I ever get better at accepting help. Don't even get me started on my inability to ASK for help....

I've met this really nice guy. He has treated me better than any guy I've ever known. Even though we don't have a serious "relationship",(see previous posts about how I am not in a position to have/want a serious relationship right now), he has offered to come over on his day off and mow my lawn for me. He knows I'm not supposed mow because of my MS. When I thanked him but refused he told me he wanted to help so I could spend more quality time with Will, when I'm not feeling too ill to play with him.

Really, how wonderful is this guy? So you know what I did? I mowed the lawn today and now feel horrible. Haven't eaten yet today and it's now 1pm. I have no appetite, but I do have a pounding headache.

So why do you ask did I mow my lawn when I have a very sweet and handsome man willing to do it for me? Because I stink at accepting help. Even when someone offers I feel guilty. I was told all my life that I needed to take care of myself. Don't depend on anyone else. Your responsibilities are yours and no one else's. This is what I learned, maybe too well. Plus there's the issue of my self esteem. I have come so far from where I was, but it's never clearer how far I have to go as when someone offers to help me. There is a part of me that feels like I'm not worthy of your time and efforts. I should be doing for you, NOT the other way around. Intellectually I realize this is hypocritical and nonsense, however when you lived most of your life feeling inferior, and insufficient its hard to keep those feelings from creeping back in on a too regular basis.

I NEED to change this self conception I have, not only for me, but for Will as well. He needs to know that women should be treated well, that it's ok to ask for help, and that it's always ok to accept help when offered and/or needed.