When will I learn?

I mean really, will I ever learn? Is it a matter of learning? Cause let's be honest. I DO know, I just refuse to listen to my body.

I have over done it again. I knew I had, I even knew it while I was doing it, and even before I started. I did it anyway. As much as I've accepted I have MS, and understand the effects on my body (to the extent that I can, it changes all the time) I still don't listen. I still joke it away to friends and family, but you know what? It really really sucks. Mowing the lawn shouldn't flatten me for days. Going for a walk with my son and trying to be active shouldn't wear me out to the point of days of exhaustion and weakness. This weekend I did both in the same day. 45 minutes of walking through the Maine Audubon in Falmouth and then mowing the lawn after 2 hours of sitting in direct sunlight (another killer for me)

How am I supposed to balance what I need vs what needs to be done? I need exercise. My son needs to exercise. He will sit and be on the computer and wii if I let him. I need to push him to be active, I can't do that if I'm not out there being active with him.

The lawn needs to be mowed, I have. no one to mow it for me, and let's be honest, I wouldn't ask anyone to do it for me. It's my responsibility and no one else's.

My son needs to socialize, he doesn't do enough of it with kids his own age, so of course I have to take him to a birthday party he's invites to....even if that means its outside in the sun with no shade.

So yes, I resent my MS. I hate it. I hate that part of me that is weakened because of it. Because of my responsibilities to my son, my home, my family, friends and myself I don't usually listen to my body. I pay for it later in the day, and for a few days after. Of course, I can not indulge my body even when it is shutting down on me. There is always a bedtime to enjoy, work to get to, and many more expectations in the coming hours and days.

Lately I am so exhausted all the time, I have aches and pains and a crushing fatigue that plague me constantly. I have moments where as much as I will my body to move it won't. How can I stop though? Where's the give? When will my body finally give up the fight and say enough is enough? How long will it take to recover then?

This is my big fear, there are too many responsibilities all the time to stop and take a couple days of doing nothing and resting. And yet, I fear if I don't I'll be useless to Will and everyone else for much longer than that.

Now, there is also an interesting twist. I have recently started to have a love life and social life. This has also put more demands on my body, and like with my son. I enjoy these demands ;). So how do I juggle these demands on top of the demands of my responsibilities. And don't I have a responsibility to do for myself and have a life too?

This is what has been on my mind today while I work. Sitting on the couch, struggling to use my hand to write my daily notes. When will I learn?