Again, I'm sitting on my couch although the ice pack is now back in the freezer until I need it later in the day. I find in my self reflective kind of mood that I'm finding it very difficult finding the balance in my life. I find myself more and more spending any down time stuck on the couch recovering.
There is so much to do every day. I don't have the time to rest as often as I should. I have staff who have all the excuses in the world as to why they can't mow the lawn. Some are valid I know, but some just don't want to work. In the last 2 weeks I have had to mow my lawn each week and a lawn for one of my homes. I understand having to mow my lawn. I own a house and only live with my 9 year old son. I get it. I accept that it is my reality. But to have to mow at work when my neurologist doesn't want me to mow ANY lawn it gets frustrating. I physically pay for it for days, but can't take the time I need to recuperate. There is always something else that needs doing.
I'll admit, my housework suffers for it on a weekly basis. I don't clean as often as I probably should. I have been saying for weeks I need to go through Wills stuff in the dining/play/therapy room and purge/organize. Still hasn't happened. Ok, so I cut myself a break and try not to stress too much about it. But I still have to get laundry done-- we both need to be clothed (no one wants to see me walking around naked I promise you that) I still need to go grocery shopping (btw, just found out that due to budget cuts at work I will be taking over the grocery shopping for all three homes and will have to make myself start doing the coupon/somewhat extreme couponing thing for all of them. I'd rather be tortured then have to spend that kind of time on flyers/coupon clipping). I still have to be physically active with my clients AND my son. And then there's all the little extras like the art show at Wills school last night which also included a scavenger hunt, frisbee golf, and a couple other activities.
I had to force my son to leave early, even though he was enjoying himself and socializing, because my legs weren't working right. They were aching so badly and I couldn't lift them. I was walking so slowly and stumbling over the uneven ground because I couldn't pick up my feet. When Will went to bed I had to go to bed too. There was no way I was going to be able to walk down those stairs and then back up them. I slept almost 12 hours last night and my legs are still aching and like lead.
So what am I saying? I'm still resentful of my MS. I feel like I am getting weaker with every day that passes lately. My stamina is decreasing, and with no significant time to rest I don't see how this will change. But it's imperative it changes! If I don't have the time now, what makes my body think I'll have the time when it shuts down on me? I'm caught in a vicious cycle and I can't seem to get off the damn ride.
So again, it comes down to balance. How do I find the balance to do everything that needs doing and taking care of and listening to my body the way it needs to be taken care of? Is there an answer? Maybe I need to continue the self reflection and learn to ask for help, hold others accountable for promises made and their responsibilities, and put myself first once in a while. What a foreign concept ;~}. Maybe, just maybe this is what is needed to be incorporated in my life......
Maybe.....
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