Not the worst day, and not the best.
Had a big fight with Jason (the hopefully-soon-to-be-ex) lets just say there are many things we will NEVER agree on. Including his choices and behaviors of entitlement surrounding my house etc.
Work has helped keep my mind occupied, but in the quiet moments, I'm right back where I've been most of my time since all this started.
This panicky feeling won't go away, even when I'm busy. Will I ever be okay with him not with me? Will I ever be ok with having to let others take care of him? And I also want to know if I'll ever be okay with him being so happy without me?
Crazy I know, I should be happy that he's happy to be there. It should make me feel better right? I mean part of me does, but there's a part that hurts because he was so willing, so happy to be somewhere else without me. There was no thoughts of missing me, of wanting me over strangers. I know it's silly, but I wonder if others ever feel this way, or if I'm so very different from other parents......
Either way, I'm finding ever aspect of this harder than I realized it would be-- and I was expecting it to be hard.
I spent some time with a friend Friday and was able to enjoy myself for a couple of hours, and even though some of that time was not all about Will, some was, and driving home I felt horrible for having any fun.
I know that's silly, that I need to take this time (at least some of it) for myself and the self care I continually ignore, and I hope to get there, but I'm so not there right now.
I am sitting at work watching tv and wishing I was at SH with Will, or better yet, cuddling with him at home on the couch or playing on the wii and trying to beat him. (he finds that particularly amusing as he really is so much better than I am)
I want him with me, and I want to be able to breathe, just breathe easier.
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