Talk about guilt

I've been reading a blog by a wonderful woman struggling with MS herself and the roller coaster of emotions that come along with it.

Today my own guilt has come crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. With this flare up (worst one I've had to date) and the resulting steroids I have not been up to doing ANYTHING. It doesn't help that I had such a huge falling out with my parents at the same time either.

My son has been amazing. I can't say it enough. He has come out of his own world in ways I wasn't sure was possible. Asking to help me, asking how I feel and what I want to do. He takes my breath away.

However, today when we came home after my forth day of steroids I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up I realized as I was asked yet again "do mommy, what do you want to do now?". That I am not capable of doing much, and I haven't been able to do much of anything all week for/with my brilliant child.

This isn't fair to him. He has enough to deal with in life without a mom who can't do anything. Yes, he has come a long way and can thankfully occupy himself for periods of time. But he was looking forward to having his mommy time. He is definitely a mommas boy. He has fun with his dad, and they've been doing some really fun things lately. (I think this is part of my problem too. I'm supposed to be the fun one, but I don't have any money like dad does, and I don't have the physical capability that dad does right now. So I guess you could say I'm jealous right now.)

Talk about feeling useless and like I'm failing my child. And at the same time I feel guilty because I wish I had someone who could have taken Will this week so I could rest without pushing myself past my limits to take care of him.

I guess all this rambling is the jumble that is in my mind. I blame the steroids and MS. I will continue to breathe, do the best I can do, and love my son with every fiber of my being. Because with him in my life, how could it be anything but perfect? Have a wonderful day.