I'm not feeling like super woman

It is five days post steroids. I am still all over the map as far as emotions, one minute I am so angry, the next I'm sobbing as if my heart is broken. I do not do well when I'm on an emotional roller coaster. On top of this, I am still not eating and/or drinking like I should. Part of the reason is the steroids are still effecting my sense of taste, but also a lot of the time I'm too tired to get anything, and as we know, that's not a good thing when you live alone.

I went to the doctors in Wednesday because I was having a lot of bizarre symptoms: a sore throat, a site neck- really, the skin was so sensitive for 3 days that the shower hurt when it touched my neck, to tremors, weakness, vertigo, heaviness and aching in my legs.

The dr had no ideas, sent me home with instructions to take 800mg of ibuprofen every 4 hours. some of these have faded, my neck is no longer sore and my throat is more irritated then sore now. My biggest problem is the vertigo, and the heaviness/weakness and aching in my legs.

My son has been wonderful through this ordeal, he has been more understanding than I would have given him credit for if I hadn't seen it for myself. He has put up with dr appts, IV treatments, and most of all a mommy who has no energy/ and moving VERY slowly due to legs/balance issues.

Today Will and I went grocery shopping and it wiped me out. I understand that I need to be patient with my body, I need to accept the help of others (extremely difficult) and be forgiving of myself for not being able to be everything I think I should be for Will, and everyone else in my life.

On the blessings side of life: my aunt surprised me with some beautiful vegetables this week, my soon-to-be-ex floored me by mowing my lawn (it's been a month since I've been able to do this chore) and do my laundry for me. I also had a wonderful friend(s) who brought me ice cream when that was all I wanted the other night but couldn't get down to the local DQ.

This relapse has certainly brought home the fact that I am not super woman. I am in fact a human, with a human body that is fragile and needs care. I am not a super mom, I am in fact a human mom that is not perfect, but who does her best for her child. I am a woman who needs to do more for herself.

I recently talked with a friend who has anxiety/panic attacks while driving. He called to tell me he was disappointed/angry with himself because he had been doing better lately, but that this morning he had a full blown attack while driving somewhere new. My advice was to cut himself some slack. So why is it so easy to give that advice out to others but take it myself? Why do we always think we have to be perfect but accept others imperfections? We are able to love and accept others for the perfectly imperfect people they are but we hold ourselves to unattainable perfection and then beat ourselves up for not living up to the impossible.

So, I have been given this opportunity to accept the imperfections, the "weaknesses", the humanness that is me. To accept, and to love this part which isn't going away. I choose to love myself, in all my imperfections. I will always strive to be better, but I will do my best to accept that my best is good enough as long as I keep going and try as hard as I can in all things.

What will you choose?