What a difference time makes

As you might be aware....last week was a hard one for me. I'm feeling so much better now.

Sometimes things change so fast, other times they are so gradual that we are unaware of the changes until we stop and look back to see the progress we've accomplished without even knowing we were accomplishing it at the time. And then there are times (at least for me) where it seems as if it happens both ways at the same time. That is what this last week has been like for me.

I met a great guy a while ago. Things took off quickly from the start. We talked till late into the night every night, laughed, learned about each other and while time was a premium, we managed to see each other fairly regularly. Then he wanted to slow things down, didn't want to follow his same old pattern. Made me feel like I was special enough to want to build a more solid relationship.

Then he started talking about other women, friends, and telling me how attractive they are, how they are attracted to him. Let me tell you, this really messed me up. I have a lot of insecurities left over from my marriage. I asked where "we" were: friends or more. He said more. I told him about my insecurities, he kept talking. I ended up losing my appetite, not drinking, crying all the time and severely depressed.

I spent a lot of time deep in thought. I talked with "the guy" a lot, and really listened to him and what he was saying, and "not saying". I spent the evening/night with him Friday night. (Completely platonically) he introduced me to his parents- very lovely people, with a beautiful dog. We went to the store, went back to his place and watched a great movie- ElizabethTown. The he got a phone call from a friend- he told me he was only going to talk for a few minutes. The call lasted 1&1/2 hours. When he ended the call he immediately got another call. That lasted well over an hour.

My real epiphany came when these phone calls didn't bother me overly much. I realized that while I care for him, I wasn't devastated he didn't want me. I think we are meant to be friends. I think we would have both been settling if we forged ahead with a romantic relationship.

I deserve a man who loves me for me. Who listens when I tell him of my insecurities and does everything in his power to minimize my fears. I deserve a man who wants to put my wants/desires/needs above his own. I don't want someone who always DOES this, it should be give and take, but I want a man who WANTS to.

Do I think I'll find this man? Right now if I'm honest, no. I don't think I'll ever find him. Tomorrow is another day, and maybe I'll feel differently then, but today my answer us no, and that's ok. I know I'm going to be fine. Whether I find him or not. I can make a good life for myself and my son. I can be happy by myself. That's not to say that I won't be lonely and sad at times, but I will be happy overall.

I think I wanted a relationship so badly that I threw myself into this relationship and ignored all the signs that it wasn't going to work.

So as I look back on the last week, it seems like things happened so quickly and slowly. I may want a relationship, but I now know what I want and deserve and I won't settle for less even if that means being alone.