When do you know you are ready for a relationship? I don't know.... It's been so long since I've found myself feeling like this. I started dating last March/April. I spent some time with a guy who treated me well, but I knew I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. When it ended, I was ok.
At this point I was pretty sure I didn't want just a casual relationship, I am definitely a one man kind of girl. I felt ready to seek out a man to share my life with. I finally broke down and tried e-harmony and met a couple of guys. I went on a date with one....and that was it. I met the second guy and wow.
A really nice guy, we have a lot in common, I like spending time with him. Then things started to change....I don't know where I stand. I think I've been friend zoned. I've been getting very little sleep, I haven't eaten except for 4 triscuits last night. Before that....it was 3&1/2 days ago.
I don't remember ever being so tied up in knots. I know that I'm also going through a very emotional week and hormones are playing a part in how strong my feelings and insecurities are presenting themselves.
I really thought I was ready...but am I? All the insecurities from my marriage about myself and self worth are back. I know who I am, I know what I look like. Right now I'm the fat woman with "personality". The most I can hope for is to continue to work on eating healthy and exercising so I can be come the woman with "personality".
I know I am a good person. I am funny, smart (in a more common sense type), I like people, I like helping and making people smile. I just don't have the looks. Most of the time I'm absolutely fine with that. I like who I am. The question now becomes, am I ready ? I feel like I am... I want to be with the man who loves me for me. Who is my best friend, and wants to put me first,. I recently found a picture that said "Good Mood, Bad Mood, Pretty, Ugly, Handsome, What-Have-You......The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass". This is what I want. Am I asking too much? Am I just too impatient? How do I manage my feelings?
I AM trying to go with the flow... Really I am, but if I'm this tied up about it, does that mean I'm not being true to me? Is it really what will make me happy? And don't I deserve to be happy too? Others may need to "get out there" and date a lot of people. That doesn't make me happy. I need someone who wants me. This is just one of those days when I really wonder if I am just "that" person who doesn't get what she wants. I know I can be alone. I don't need anyone, but I want someone.
Just to be clear, this post is just a rant while having an off day(week) things WILL look better tomorrow. In fact, I will now force myself to eat the soup I bought when I went out to lunch with an old friend. I still have no appetite, but this has gone on long enough.
Time to put my big girl panties on, and try to find the answers to my questions so I can move forward in my life and be happy. Whether alone or with a partner in life..... I will survive.
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