Do I set my friends up to fail?

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I have been struggling with many things for the last month: family, son struggling, ex/divorce, work, relationships, financial problems. Lots of things have had me spiraling out of control. Have I ever mentioned how much I like to be in control? I do, so having so little control over most aspects of my life has also been a huge source of anxiety.

While I have had a few friends show their love and concern on Facebook, I have felt very isolated and lonely on top of everything else. I keep coming back to a saying I read a while ago:

"One who holds your hand in your problems is a good friend, but the true friend is one who holds your hand more tightly when you tell them to leave you alone."

I have never been good at asking or accepting help. I find when I need it the most I pull away even harder. In my head I know this is crazy, I know I have been blessed with friends who would be there for me. But my heart demands that I protect myself from the disappointment of being let down by not asking.

I have come to realize over the last couple of days that subconsciously I am waiting for my friends to just know what I need and to hold my hand more tightly. In doing this I am setting my friends up to fail me. This in turn feeds the cycle of me not asking for what I need because I have been let down again. None of this is about my friends. They are some amazing people and they deserve the chance to be there for me, as I deserve the chance to be there for them.

This all comes back to me. This is about how I view myself and my worth. That is where I need to focus my time and energy so that I can trust in myself and my friends. The ones that let me down, that will be on them- but its not fair to assume it will happen before giving them the chance.

Do you ever have a hard time trusting in your self worth?

I've been the substitute person all of my life

This is a line from the movie ElizabethTown. This line also struck a chord with me. It's how I feel a lot of the time. There are quite a few people in my life who make me feel like that is my role in their life. (Correction: I ALLOW them to treat me this way)

I understand that I would be the last person someone would call about getting together to go out. I mean, unless you think that coming to my house to hang out is fun (and let's face it, it certainly could be.....I can rock it like nobody's business!) I don't have any real opportunities to go out because I have my son and can't afford a babysitter so I can go out on the town.

However, I also feel like I'm the last resort for some friends for a phone call as well. I was recently FB instant messaging with a friend who all of a sudden disappeared from the conversation. No goodbye, no explanations, just gone...... Come to find out his girlfriend just got online so he'd rather talk to her. That's fine I guess, but don't I deserve a little consideration? Why am I supposed to sit around and wait for you to decide I'm worthy of your attention only to drop me as soon as someone better comes along?

I know I've been struggling lately with my self esteem and handling all the stress that has been coming my way lately, but I still know that I am worthy. I deserve to be important to someone. I deserve to be the first person someone wants to talk to or see, not the last.

Sick day revisited

So, here we are close to the end of my day. Will and I have limped along and are almost ready for bed. He had a rough day because neither one of us was at our best. He had a few mini meltdowns, once even sobbing that he felt like he was being a jerk to me.

I found that it was helpful that I felt numb, but I also think it was detrimental. I can't be sure, but I think Will struggled more because of it. At one point mid-meltdown he told me he felt like I wasn't even his real mom. I know he's perceptive, but really? Am I that different? I didn't think so, but now I'm not so sure.

I like not feeling anything, I know it's probably not healthy, and I don't want to feel like this for any real length of time (that's what I keep telling myself) but this is a needed reprieve from the stress and heartache I've been feeling. I'm kind of scared of losing this protection, but if its hurting Will I will do what I need to do, no matter how painful.

Sick

I woke this morning feeling sick. I went downstairs to find my son had thrown up already and is sick himself. I am letting him play on the wii for much longer than I normally would. I still have to change the sheets on the beds, wash dishes and do 2-3 loads of laundry. Ugh!

I'm particularly feeling grateful for my brain having short circuited and not feeling anything. I am worried about what will happen when the numbness wears off, but for now I am grateful for the numbness as things keep piling on. I definitely needed a break.

So today we will rest, I will try to summon the energy to do all the chores I need to do and make myself some tea. (I may lose my mind if Will keeps refusing to learn to blow his nose- all the snuffling is driving me crazy!)

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." -Leo F. Buscaglia

Struggles

Yesterday Will ran away from school. This is the second time he has done this. The good news? This time it was different.

The first time he ran all the way home without the school knowing he was gone. (We live a mile away from the school with some very busy intersections). This time an Ed tech followed him. He got almost half way home before the principal and teacher caught up with them in their car. He refused to get in the car until they promised to bring him home. This is where I got a call and asked if they could bring him home.

Will was able to express his anger and frustrations with school. He told me and teachers that he has such a hard time holding it together all day at school to maintain his safety record that he falls apart at home and that is why he is so mean to me. He told us he hated not being in control at home.

Well, be was very argumentative about going back to school, but I told HIM that it was my expectation that he finish his school day. He finally relented and returned with the teachers. He finished on a positive note, and even had a good day today.

We have decided to lighten up on the expectations at home to give him a little more breathing room after a hard day at school. We shall see how this works....

God doesn't give more than we can handle

I've heard this for many years. It's not that I don't believe it....... I just need to stop testing the theory.

Last week my world changed when I was told my job was changing- different hours, different houses, different clients, staff and manager. This also means I have to work an extra night and have to stress about getting someone to watch my son that night every week. This also means any hope of a social life/and finding a love life is over. (At least that's how it feels right now). Then my son fell apart and attacked me and called me names. I felt like I was hanging on by a thread. Then a friend dropped a bombshell and I made snap decision, not even sure it was the right one.

Then more changes at work. An unsupportive ex. Feeling more alone than ever before.... every time something gets thrown at me I have made the mistake of thinking/saying: "I can't handle anymore" and "surely things can only get better".

When will I learn? I got calls from Wills teacher today as they were headed to my house. Will bolted again and refused to get in the car until they promised to bring him home. We then all had quite a confrontation in the driveway before I forced him to go back to finish out his day.

So, I will NOT say I can't handle anymore, or it can't get any worse. I will breathe...I will try to accept that there is a reason, and a lesson to be learned from everything that occurs in life. I may be slow, but I can learn.

Breathing...and will continue to do so through whatever I am meant to go through in life.

Depression

I have found myself suffering from a severe depression during the last couple of weeks. I have been pulling away from all my friends, and activities I enjoy. I cannot focus on anything for any length of time. All I want is to sleep, but I cannot quiet my mind to get a restful sleep.

A wise, beautiful and insightful friend recently wrote a blog post about life changing and likened it to a sandcastle. (I apologize that i do not have the capabilities to link up to her blog but it is Paradise Found. it is an inspiration. I highly recommend everyone check it out and follow her!) A sandcastle that is washed away by the ocean, this is where I find myself- without my sandcastle. I find myself having to start over and terrified. I am trying not to jump into any decisions - already made a few that I regret but cannot change- I need to take some time and figure out what I want my new sandcastle to look like.

My problem? I'm at a loss as to what I want it to be, so how can I come up with the blueprints? Well, I guess I have the rest of my life to figure things out. In the mean time, I am trying to find things to be grateful for.

1. My breath
2. My son
3. My friends
4. My home
5. My job such as it is stress and all

That's all I got for now. I am doing the best I can........and that's good enough for now.

What are you grateful for during the hard times?

Well enough about me...

What do you think about me? Just kidding, but seriously I want to talk about my amazing son.

Will has really been doing a fantastic job. He has his struggles, but overall he is doing great with all the extra demands being put on him. He spends most of his time at school up in his mainstream classroom. He is writing poetry, which his teachers like so much they have him get up in front of the classroom and read it to the class. (And he does! How freaking awesome is that!!!). He is still having a hard time with the other students. Sometimes he is bullied, other times they are just being impolite. The teachers are working with him to know the difference and how to deal with both instances.

At home he is becoming very independent. His staff is working with him on making his bed (including changing his sheets), folding and putting away clothes, cleaning bedroom, vacuuming etc. he's doing such a great job, but he struggles with the demands.

With all of this, he has added to his stressors. Although I hope it becomes a positive outlet for him: he has joined the drama club. I almost fainted when he told me he wanted to join. I got the permission slip and filled it out. He turned it in the next day. Today was his first day. Unfortunately I was not home to hear all about it and was unable to call him to hear all about it. I was told by his dad that he did well and enjoyed himself. I can't wait to hear all about it in the morning. I'm so proud of my son for taking the initiative and try new things. Who knows, he may follow in his mother and uncles footsteps and love the stage.

Let the journey begin.....

What a difference time makes

As you might be aware....last week was a hard one for me. I'm feeling so much better now.

Sometimes things change so fast, other times they are so gradual that we are unaware of the changes until we stop and look back to see the progress we've accomplished without even knowing we were accomplishing it at the time. And then there are times (at least for me) where it seems as if it happens both ways at the same time. That is what this last week has been like for me.

I met a great guy a while ago. Things took off quickly from the start. We talked till late into the night every night, laughed, learned about each other and while time was a premium, we managed to see each other fairly regularly. Then he wanted to slow things down, didn't want to follow his same old pattern. Made me feel like I was special enough to want to build a more solid relationship.

Then he started talking about other women, friends, and telling me how attractive they are, how they are attracted to him. Let me tell you, this really messed me up. I have a lot of insecurities left over from my marriage. I asked where "we" were: friends or more. He said more. I told him about my insecurities, he kept talking. I ended up losing my appetite, not drinking, crying all the time and severely depressed.

I spent a lot of time deep in thought. I talked with "the guy" a lot, and really listened to him and what he was saying, and "not saying". I spent the evening/night with him Friday night. (Completely platonically) he introduced me to his parents- very lovely people, with a beautiful dog. We went to the store, went back to his place and watched a great movie- ElizabethTown. The he got a phone call from a friend- he told me he was only going to talk for a few minutes. The call lasted 1&1/2 hours. When he ended the call he immediately got another call. That lasted well over an hour.

My real epiphany came when these phone calls didn't bother me overly much. I realized that while I care for him, I wasn't devastated he didn't want me. I think we are meant to be friends. I think we would have both been settling if we forged ahead with a romantic relationship.

I deserve a man who loves me for me. Who listens when I tell him of my insecurities and does everything in his power to minimize my fears. I deserve a man who wants to put my wants/desires/needs above his own. I don't want someone who always DOES this, it should be give and take, but I want a man who WANTS to.

Do I think I'll find this man? Right now if I'm honest, no. I don't think I'll ever find him. Tomorrow is another day, and maybe I'll feel differently then, but today my answer us no, and that's ok. I know I'm going to be fine. Whether I find him or not. I can make a good life for myself and my son. I can be happy by myself. That's not to say that I won't be lonely and sad at times, but I will be happy overall.

I think I wanted a relationship so badly that I threw myself into this relationship and ignored all the signs that it wasn't going to work.

So as I look back on the last week, it seems like things happened so quickly and slowly. I may want a relationship, but I now know what I want and deserve and I won't settle for less even if that means being alone.

A Walk.....

yesterday I decided that sitting around not eating was not helping. I have a lot to think about, I also need to be moe active. So I went for a walk.

The GreenBelt is a bike/walking path very close to my home. I haven't walked more than a mile in a very long time. Yesterday, I walked for an hour. I walked 4 miles. Not too bad.....

I got a lot of thinking done, not a lot of answers, nothing is any clearer, but I think I am on my way. I hope I am. If you read my earlier post from yesterday you know that I am kind of a bundle of insecurities and an emotional mess right now. That's ok, I know I will figure it all out, I know that I will be fine, I don't have to have all the answers, I also don't have to be happy every moment. But it sure stinks being stuck feeling so lost, emotional and insecure.

I don't think stress/life/whatever has ever affected me so strongly before. (This is where I think hormones are playing a part) I have barely eaten anything in 4&1/2 days. (I had 4 triscuits the other night, a bowl of tomato soup/ string cheese and a cup of homemade apple sauce yesterday). I just have no appetite. My stomach is telling me its hungry, but my head is saying......bleck. I'm almost nauseous looking at food. I will find myself thinking "hmm, I'm hungry" and I will go to the kitchen to get something. As soon as I start looking, I'm done. Don't want it. On top of this, I have just realized how dehydrated I am. Last night my tibialis anteriors both started cramping up on me. A sure sign of dehydration....

When a person wakes in the morning, one of the first thoughts is: I have to pee. I woke this morning without this urge. At 10:30 (while at the office) I finally felt like I had to pee. There wasn't much, and what was there was a dark orange color. I've taken enough A&P classes, and am smart enough to know that this is not good. Not at all. It is now 1:30 in the afternoon, and I still haven't been able to make myself drink. What is going on? Other than feeling a little lightheaded, tired (but I'm also not sleeping that great) and my legs being sore from all the cramping I'm feeling ok- just hope I can figure out the emotional turmoil and how to take care of myself in that respect. If I can do that, I think the rest will fall into place........

Relationships are hard

Relationships are hard, and messy, and they can hurt.....a lot. They ca tie you up in knots, or give you delicious butterflies, and sometimes it's all rolled into one.

When do you know you are ready for a relationship? I don't know.... It's been so long since I've found myself feeling like this. I started dating last March/April. I spent some time with a guy who treated me well, but I knew I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. When it ended, I was ok.

At this point I was pretty sure I didn't want just a casual relationship, I am definitely a one man kind of girl. I felt ready to seek out a man to share my life with. I finally broke down and tried e-harmony and met a couple of guys. I went on a date with one....and that was it. I met the second guy and wow.

A really nice guy, we have a lot in common, I like spending time with him. Then things started to change....I don't know where I stand. I think I've been friend zoned. I've been getting very little sleep, I haven't eaten except for 4 triscuits last night. Before that....it was 3&1/2 days ago.

I don't remember ever being so tied up in knots. I know that I'm also going through a very emotional week and hormones are playing a part in how strong my feelings and insecurities are presenting themselves.

I really thought I was ready...but am I? All the insecurities from my marriage about myself and self worth are back. I know who I am, I know what I look like. Right now I'm the fat woman with "personality". The most I can hope for is to continue to work on eating healthy and exercising so I can be come the woman with "personality".

I know I am a good person. I am funny, smart (in a more common sense type), I like people, I like helping and making people smile. I just don't have the looks. Most of the time I'm absolutely fine with that. I like who I am. The question now becomes, am I ready ? I feel like I am... I want to be with the man who loves me for me. Who is my best friend, and wants to put me first,. I recently found a picture that said "Good Mood, Bad Mood, Pretty, Ugly, Handsome, What-Have-You......The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass". This is what I want. Am I asking too much? Am I just too impatient? How do I manage my feelings?

I AM trying to go with the flow... Really I am, but if I'm this tied up about it, does that mean I'm not being true to me? Is it really what will make me happy? And don't I deserve to be happy too? Others may need to "get out there" and date a lot of people. That doesn't make me happy. I need someone who wants me. This is just one of those days when I really wonder if I am just "that" person who doesn't get what she wants. I know I can be alone. I don't need anyone, but I want someone.

Just to be clear, this post is just a rant while having an off day(week) things WILL look better tomorrow. In fact, I will now force myself to eat the soup I bought when I went out to lunch with an old friend. I still have no appetite, but this has gone on long enough.

Time to put my big girl panties on, and try to find the answers to my questions so I can move forward in my life and be happy. Whether alone or with a partner in life..... I will survive.

What a weekend

My weekend started with me packing the car so when Will got off the bus we were able to jump in the car and take off. We stopped at my parents house because Will wanted to visit with granny and papa. Then off we went to camp. As you may remember from previous posts: camp is my special place. It is my peace, my safe place where I can go to recoup, hide, refill my soul, find peace and joy.

I was home.

We unpacked and then headed out to dinner. I promised Will we would go to Dairy Queen for dinner. After we came back and settled for the night. We read A Giraffe And A Half by Shel Silverstein. Will always giggles throughout the story and keeps score over how many times I mess up while reading.

Saturday was spent at Pumpkinland. Here we wandered, petted/looked at the animals, went through all the free attractions, paid for a few extra - the bouncy pad, the mining experience, and the haunted day ride. We had food and drinks. When we were done, we went back to camp, walked the labyrinth which is supposed to be for meditation and inner reflection. However, it's hard to be in a contemplative mood when your son is urging you to race to the middle with him. We went around to different camps to talk to owners about their pets. He has decided he is running the PPVC (Pet Palace Veterinary Clinic) at camp. He feels its good practice for when he becomes a vet. That night we again read the same book and there were giggles, and quick to point out my mistakes.

We spent a little time this morning, playing, and walking around the circle. Then I drove him to a meeting place and handed my baby over to his father and girlfriend. They are taking Will to Storyland in NH. I'm not sure how I feel about Will staying in the same hotel room overnight with dad and girlfriend sharing a bed next to him, but I have no control over the situation so: so be it. Hope he has a great time.

I drove back to the camp, and I didn't know what to do with myself. I ended up taking a walk up to Sunset Hill. It's a beautiful little walk and we have a memorial garden at the top with two very beautiful souls who are buried there. (That's where I plan to end up myself.). Visited with some amazing friends, had a lot of great food at the turkey fry potluck. Then I helped with the clean up by washing all the dishes. I have to say: if I never see another piece of flatware it will be too soon..... I washed enough for 120 people at least.... (Not all was used) when I was done I said goodbye to everyone until next spring, closed up the camp and packed up my car for the drive home. Now, I could have stayed another night, and part of me wanted to, but I have to make some important calls in the morning then go and see a wonderful man who I like a lot.

I've had such a wonderful weekend, one that I desperately needed. I'm grateful I was able to enjoy it, and a little sad that camp is closed for the year. As I sit here on my couch and catch up on tv shows I have recorded I feel strangely melancholy. I don't know why....... I wish I was able to just bask in this time alone instead of stress about my financial "stuff", or feel so alone. I usually can enjoy being by myself. I certainly can entertain myself. So I don't fully understand why I feel like I do. I do know that I am grateful for this.....even this feeling of being unsettled.