I have spent a lot of the last week crying. Upset about my grandfather sick, my manager and the treatment I have been getting from her, and mostly about the fact that I am back on depression medication and appear to have a fairly severe case of depression and anxiety.
I find the last 2 days there has been little to no crying over these things. I'm feeling much more positive and focused. Could it be the medication I'm on? Not likely as I've only been on it a week and I've forgotten at least 2 doses, and it takes 4-6 weeks to build up in my system according to the doctors. Do I not need the medication? Have I stumbled upon the answers myself unknowingly? Probably not. This is most likely a lull in the storm that is my emotional breakdown. I'll take it though.......
I think that having more positives to focus on helps, visualizing where I want to be and steps to get me there help, hugs from my son definitely help. ;-) As for the rest.........I'll try to take it one day at a time. If I cry, I cry. I have to learn to accept those uncomfortable feelings and let them out instead of suppressing them as soon as they start. If I let it out and trust that I will stop eventually maybe I can finally really let go. Cause I keep thinking I've let go, but stuff keeps coming back. Maybe this is the key to letting go. If I ever bring myself to really sit with the pain and cry it out, I'll let you know, in the mean time I'll try.....
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
A Promise
I've talked about Oprah and watching her life classes right? Well I was catching up on my episodes and was watching the one about finding your calling in life. I had an "ah-ha" moment. I enjoy making people laugh, I enjoy writing in all my blogs. I want to be like David Sedaris. He writes about the humorous events in his life, or just finds the humor in them like I try to do in my other blog- emilysperspective.blogspot.com I would like to take some writing classes, my writing is horrendous, and write a book of all the humorous stories of my life. While sharing this idea with a friend of mine (who happens to be a life coach) she told me she thinks I should try open mike night and do some stand up comedy. I have thought about this in the past but always shy away from anything like this. The only time I feel anyway near comfortable on a stage with the attention on me is when singing or acting. This would be neither. But how do I know if my stories are really funny or my friends are just being kind? So I told my friend that if I can qualify for respite care for my son I will go with her and try my hand, voice and stories on the stage. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Isn't that the saying? I'm already nervous thinking about it, but I'll never know if I can do it and succeed without trying and if I don't try I'll never know. It may feel like I'm going to die from terror, humiliation, failure but I know that really won't happen and at least I will be able to be proud of myself that I put myself out there. So while I agreed to do it with my friend I have PROMISED myself that I will try. For this is my journey, and if I don't move forward I'll fall behind and never know what I could have been. My friend said in an off-hand way that in 10 years we will both be published authors of best selling books. I am starting right now to manifest this into my reality. I better start getting into trouble/reminiscing/writing.........These things don't just manifest themselves................
Stupidity
I want to first start off relaying my morning. I have already shared about my depression being back, anxiety rising, well, I'm realizing I'm not handling some things well. I had a really upsetting time at work over the last couple of days. My manager has not been treating me with any respect and I've been having a hard time processing and moving on. Case in point: I talked to a dear friend this morning, as I was going over everything again she stopped me and asked me "What's something positive in your life?" That was all it took, I couldn't even answer her at first I just thanked her. That was all it took to get me out of my own way. My positive was getting to put my son to bed after being at work and missing that activity for 4 days.
I'm still upset, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't seem so all-consuming when I remember that there are positives in my life. I have since found a few more, I got to work with a wonderful, insightful woman I am blessed enough to call my friend as well as co-worker, I have a home, my car is still working, I have my parents, and I have some wonderful friends who are there to help me pick up the pieces when I drop them. I am blessed.
Now on to the stupid part. I work as a lead DSP. That means I am an assistant manager who works in the programs doing direct support with our consumers. There are 7 of us leads in the company. One of these women projects a lot of negativity, she has also made it her mission to make mean, spiteful comments to me and make fun of me to my face with the pretense of joking. I know what she is doing, I realized it with the first snarky comment she made. I also knew I had options as to how I wanted to deal with her. 1. I could be just as mean and snarky towards her- but I'm not like that. 2. I could confront her-but I seriously believe this would give her too much satisfaction and it would encourage her. 3. I could run to our bosses and complain- I believe this would also have negative results as I don't believe she will ever change who she is, and then I'm known as the trouble-maker with the other leads, and a pain who can't take care of herself with the management. 4. I could ignore her, and even laugh at myself once in a while. This is what I chose. Her comments and attitude doesn't affect me. Why should it, she says I act like a fool. Well, I do sometimes but I don't see that as a negative. As for her other comments-- it doesn't matter, I know who I am and that I'm great at my job, my clients like and respect me (most of the time) and I like who I am. So how can her comments bother me? They don't. Here's where the stupidity comes in---------she is best buddies with one of my staff. They like to get together and talk about how I keep getting "slammed" and I don't even get it because I'm too stupid. I found out they think this is hilarious, my staff thinks it's so funny she shared it with another staff (happens to be my friend). So what does that make them? If I know what's being done and the true intent behind the words but have chosen to just ignore it and not sink to that level, and they haven't even thought that I might be smart enough to figure it all out and take a different path then they would, and then they share the hilarity with others who actually know that I'm smart enough......What does that make them? Actually, it doesn't matter, it's not worth the time to figure it out.
Now here's another epiphany: If I can say that the above doesn't bother me, that I know my own worth, and that I'm happy with who I am, and really mean it. Why doesn't that translate into what happened with my boss? Or some other areas in my life where I don't feel good enough? Is it because I need to prove to others who are my superiors that I'm good enough and deserve to be here? Why in these circumstances do I feel so unsure of myself? Something for me to start exploring in more depth.
I'm still upset, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't seem so all-consuming when I remember that there are positives in my life. I have since found a few more, I got to work with a wonderful, insightful woman I am blessed enough to call my friend as well as co-worker, I have a home, my car is still working, I have my parents, and I have some wonderful friends who are there to help me pick up the pieces when I drop them. I am blessed.
Now on to the stupid part. I work as a lead DSP. That means I am an assistant manager who works in the programs doing direct support with our consumers. There are 7 of us leads in the company. One of these women projects a lot of negativity, she has also made it her mission to make mean, spiteful comments to me and make fun of me to my face with the pretense of joking. I know what she is doing, I realized it with the first snarky comment she made. I also knew I had options as to how I wanted to deal with her. 1. I could be just as mean and snarky towards her- but I'm not like that. 2. I could confront her-but I seriously believe this would give her too much satisfaction and it would encourage her. 3. I could run to our bosses and complain- I believe this would also have negative results as I don't believe she will ever change who she is, and then I'm known as the trouble-maker with the other leads, and a pain who can't take care of herself with the management. 4. I could ignore her, and even laugh at myself once in a while. This is what I chose. Her comments and attitude doesn't affect me. Why should it, she says I act like a fool. Well, I do sometimes but I don't see that as a negative. As for her other comments-- it doesn't matter, I know who I am and that I'm great at my job, my clients like and respect me (most of the time) and I like who I am. So how can her comments bother me? They don't. Here's where the stupidity comes in---------she is best buddies with one of my staff. They like to get together and talk about how I keep getting "slammed" and I don't even get it because I'm too stupid. I found out they think this is hilarious, my staff thinks it's so funny she shared it with another staff (happens to be my friend). So what does that make them? If I know what's being done and the true intent behind the words but have chosen to just ignore it and not sink to that level, and they haven't even thought that I might be smart enough to figure it all out and take a different path then they would, and then they share the hilarity with others who actually know that I'm smart enough......What does that make them? Actually, it doesn't matter, it's not worth the time to figure it out.
Now here's another epiphany: If I can say that the above doesn't bother me, that I know my own worth, and that I'm happy with who I am, and really mean it. Why doesn't that translate into what happened with my boss? Or some other areas in my life where I don't feel good enough? Is it because I need to prove to others who are my superiors that I'm good enough and deserve to be here? Why in these circumstances do I feel so unsure of myself? Something for me to start exploring in more depth.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Oprah
Yes, I watch Oprah's lifeclass. I haven't been able to keep up, I just finished the first week and started the second week today. I'm behind because I work when she is on, and can't find enough time in the day to watch them every day. Anyway, For the most part, what Oprah is talking about I feel is right on and touches a place deep inside of me. I need to let go of my EGO. I am being as authentic as I can be in this moment of my life, I am trying to believe in myself, think and be the person I want to be/know I am. Not all of this is perfect. This blog is part of my journey.
As much as it may seem, I am not trying to just complain about my life, I am a person who needs to talk things through, to process. Sometimes I need to talk about it once, but more often it's several times before I can really understand what is happening and hope to find the "life lessons" in these moments of my life. I found it interesting that while watching one of the shows this morning Oprah talked about everything- even the things you don't like- are teaching moments. Well, I'm having a doozey of one today.
My boss has assigned the scheduling of 4 houses to me. However, she is constantly going behind me to change things to her liking. Am I doing it or not? I follow her rules. I call relief staff first, then regular staff from our own houses, then regular staff from other houses in the agency. So why does it seem that I always get it wrong from her point of view? Why when there is a snaffoo that other staff caused by changing their schedules for their convenience and telling me about it after the fact- and not getting confirmation it was happening. I know that there was more I could have done to make it run smoother today, I'm human and make mistakes like everyone else. Why does my manager have to call and yell at me like she does? I may make mistakes, but so does she, when I pointed out a contradiction she stated while yelling at me and then stuck to my guns she quickly said "I have to hang up before I go mental" (or something to that affect) and hung up on me. Why do I allow myself to be treated that way? Am I allowing it? What is the teachable moment? That I need to start standing p for myself more? Have more self worth? How, in this economy do I dare to stand up to her? What if I'm fired? Is the lesson that: as much as I need this job and the money I make from it, it's not worth my self esteem faltering as it has a habit of doing? Is it that I need to be able to maintain my self esteem and self worth in the midst of a manager who is borderline abusive at times? (Honestly, most of the time I really enjoy working for her and when she gets "bitchy" I can usually shrug it off- today was just particularly aggressive.) I don't know, but it's thought to ponder.........
As much as it may seem, I am not trying to just complain about my life, I am a person who needs to talk things through, to process. Sometimes I need to talk about it once, but more often it's several times before I can really understand what is happening and hope to find the "life lessons" in these moments of my life. I found it interesting that while watching one of the shows this morning Oprah talked about everything- even the things you don't like- are teaching moments. Well, I'm having a doozey of one today.
My boss has assigned the scheduling of 4 houses to me. However, she is constantly going behind me to change things to her liking. Am I doing it or not? I follow her rules. I call relief staff first, then regular staff from our own houses, then regular staff from other houses in the agency. So why does it seem that I always get it wrong from her point of view? Why when there is a snaffoo that other staff caused by changing their schedules for their convenience and telling me about it after the fact- and not getting confirmation it was happening. I know that there was more I could have done to make it run smoother today, I'm human and make mistakes like everyone else. Why does my manager have to call and yell at me like she does? I may make mistakes, but so does she, when I pointed out a contradiction she stated while yelling at me and then stuck to my guns she quickly said "I have to hang up before I go mental" (or something to that affect) and hung up on me. Why do I allow myself to be treated that way? Am I allowing it? What is the teachable moment? That I need to start standing p for myself more? Have more self worth? How, in this economy do I dare to stand up to her? What if I'm fired? Is the lesson that: as much as I need this job and the money I make from it, it's not worth my self esteem faltering as it has a habit of doing? Is it that I need to be able to maintain my self esteem and self worth in the midst of a manager who is borderline abusive at times? (Honestly, most of the time I really enjoy working for her and when she gets "bitchy" I can usually shrug it off- today was just particularly aggressive.) I don't know, but it's thought to ponder.........
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
A friend shared this with me today and I found it very apropos to my situation in life.
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
1.) I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost.... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
2.) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
3.) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
4.) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
5.) I walk down another street.
What a powerful autobiography. I am living in this same story, somewhere around chapter 2-3. I really need to get to chapter 4 at least. I know I'll get there, I know I will.
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
1.) I walk, down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost.... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
2.) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
3.) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
4.) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
5.) I walk down another street.
What a powerful autobiography. I am living in this same story, somewhere around chapter 2-3. I really need to get to chapter 4 at least. I know I'll get there, I know I will.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Anxiety part three
So I went to the drs today. They did an EKG. Then I talked to the dr. The good news: my heart is fine. Strong regular heart beat, not enlarged, no sign of any distress. The bad news: surprise! It's stress and depression. I am being put back on depression meds, was told to go for walks, talk to a good friend, cry, reduce the stress in my life.
Here's my problem with that: there's nothing I can really do to reduce the stress in my life, it is all out of my hands. (I am trying to work on how I deal with that stress, really I am). Going for a walk is hard but not impossible. I'm so tired all the time I just have to break this cycle and get out there and do it. Talking to a friend, well, I only have one friend that I talk to regularly, she has so much on her plate, and let's get real here- who wants to hear someone constantly talking about all the problems? I know she would get sick of me real soon if I complained any more. (I'm trying to be more positive in my thoughts and words and deeds). The last thing is crying- he thinks I should cry a lot. I hate to cry, I am so programed now that I am fighting to stop the tears as soon as they start (which is all the time now), I also can't stand being all stuffy during and after as well as my eyes hurt for hours after 2 min of crying, if I really let go they would never feel ok again!
So, this journey has thrown a few more curves into it, but who wants to walk down a straight road anyway right? Right? I know I'll be fine and will come out as a stronger, more empowered, more compassionate woman. Now if I could only learn acceptance, every time I think I've accepted and let go of my "stuff" it rises up to bite me once again. When will I learn the lessons I'm being taught?
Here's my problem with that: there's nothing I can really do to reduce the stress in my life, it is all out of my hands. (I am trying to work on how I deal with that stress, really I am). Going for a walk is hard but not impossible. I'm so tired all the time I just have to break this cycle and get out there and do it. Talking to a friend, well, I only have one friend that I talk to regularly, she has so much on her plate, and let's get real here- who wants to hear someone constantly talking about all the problems? I know she would get sick of me real soon if I complained any more. (I'm trying to be more positive in my thoughts and words and deeds). The last thing is crying- he thinks I should cry a lot. I hate to cry, I am so programed now that I am fighting to stop the tears as soon as they start (which is all the time now), I also can't stand being all stuffy during and after as well as my eyes hurt for hours after 2 min of crying, if I really let go they would never feel ok again!
So, this journey has thrown a few more curves into it, but who wants to walk down a straight road anyway right? Right? I know I'll be fine and will come out as a stronger, more empowered, more compassionate woman. Now if I could only learn acceptance, every time I think I've accepted and let go of my "stuff" it rises up to bite me once again. When will I learn the lessons I'm being taught?
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Anxiety part two
So, I finally called my doctors office today. I figured it was time, I had a friend and our case manager (also a friend) tell me I should. Also at a school meeting about my son's struggles I walked all over the school with no trouble, but when I went home I walked from the living room to the kitchen (not that far, maybe 30 steps if that) I was out of breath and my heart was racing. Well, probably not, but it felt that way. I give up. Time to make the call. As it turns out, they want to see me. Go figure.
They asked me to come in this afternoon. I explained that I was on my way to work. I was single staffed, and working with adults with disabilities. There was no way I could get there. They kept stressing that I needed to take care of myself. Isn't that what I was doing by calling? So now I have an appointment tomorrow with a doctor. They want to run some tests including an EKG and labs. Of what joy, what rapture! I don't want to go!!! I want to bury my head in the sand and ignore, ignore, ignore. But I'm an adult, I need to take care of myself, even though I'm terrible at it- see: not losing weight, depression untreated, etc. etc... I need to be here for my son. I know his dad loves him, but I really don't trust that if I was not around he would do everything necessary to give our son what he needs and deserves.
So, tomorrow morning I will get my son ready for school, on the bus, then put on my BIG GIRL PANTIES and go to the doctors office to be poked and prodded. Maybe I can get some good material for my other blog http://emilysperspective.blogspot.com/ . This is what my life has been reduced to, looking for the weird and strange things that happen to me (or at least my weird and strange way of looking at things) to be fodder for others entertainment. (ok, it entertains me too....)
Wish me luck......
They asked me to come in this afternoon. I explained that I was on my way to work. I was single staffed, and working with adults with disabilities. There was no way I could get there. They kept stressing that I needed to take care of myself. Isn't that what I was doing by calling? So now I have an appointment tomorrow with a doctor. They want to run some tests including an EKG and labs. Of what joy, what rapture! I don't want to go!!! I want to bury my head in the sand and ignore, ignore, ignore. But I'm an adult, I need to take care of myself, even though I'm terrible at it- see: not losing weight, depression untreated, etc. etc... I need to be here for my son. I know his dad loves him, but I really don't trust that if I was not around he would do everything necessary to give our son what he needs and deserves.
So, tomorrow morning I will get my son ready for school, on the bus, then put on my BIG GIRL PANTIES and go to the doctors office to be poked and prodded. Maybe I can get some good material for my other blog http://emilysperspective.blogspot.com/ . This is what my life has been reduced to, looking for the weird and strange things that happen to me (or at least my weird and strange way of looking at things) to be fodder for others entertainment. (ok, it entertains me too....)
Wish me luck......
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Anxiety
So I've been feeling like my heart is going to jump out of my chest, I feel all jittery without any energy (no fair) and all panicky, like I feel when I know I've screwed up and I'm about to have a confrontation about it. I called a friend since I can't afford a Dr without a real reason ( and then not even then really these days). She told me not to worry, it's probably just a panic attack. Great, this has lasted all week. Seriously it was just over a week when this started. I've tried to slow my heart but guess what? I just took my pulse tonight (apical, with a stethoscope to make sure it was accurate) it was only 74. There's no way my heart is racing, so why does it feel like it is? Like the other shoe is about to drop and it will be bad, really bad? I don't know. But maybe it has something to do with the creditors calling several times a day, my husband not being my ex yet and even though he doesn't live here he treats the house like he still does? [I mean this morning he got here 25 minutes early. I was eating breakfast and as soon as I heard him walk in, I had a hard time eating. The stoma from the lap-band is small, and it gets smaller when I'm under a lot of stress. No wonder food has been difficult for me. Unfortunately, ice cream still goes down easy. ] Or could it have anything to do with the fact that my son tells me on an almost daily basis that he's sad, depressed, or feels like he wants to die? I don't know, maybe it's just stress over my Halloween costume I can't afford to buy now.......
I need to meditate, I know I do, I need to de-stress, I need to clear myself. I can't seem to get myself to focus enough to let it all go enough to do this though. I can still smile, that's something right? Most days I can count my blessing, at least some of them. 1. I have a roof over my head. 2. I have a family that loves me. 3. I have my son. 4. I have a job I like mostly. I know there are more, I'm just to tired and panicky to think of them right now. IF I can do that, things can't be too bad right? It will get better. IT WILL.
I mean hey, I found 2 heart rocks today on my walk. That has to be a sign that things will be fine.
right?
I need to meditate, I know I do, I need to de-stress, I need to clear myself. I can't seem to get myself to focus enough to let it all go enough to do this though. I can still smile, that's something right? Most days I can count my blessing, at least some of them. 1. I have a roof over my head. 2. I have a family that loves me. 3. I have my son. 4. I have a job I like mostly. I know there are more, I'm just to tired and panicky to think of them right now. IF I can do that, things can't be too bad right? It will get better. IT WILL.
right?
Friday, October 14, 2011
Overwhelmed
Do you ever just feel so overwhelmed that you shut down and want to hibernate? Well, that's how I've felt for a very long time as far as my financial situation goes. I'm in way over my head as far as debt is concerned. Fixing it looks impossible. I don't even want to try, I want to continue to ignore it but I can't. Here's the frustrating part: If I wanted to I could stick my to-be ex with the bills for last years oil, cable etc because we are technically still married and he's here so often that he's using these things almost as much as me, and more importantly- they are all in his name. I can't tell you how much I want to do that. Then I would only have to face the debt in my name and might actually prompt Ex to finally file for divorce just to save his credit. However, even though that was suggested to me by the oil company I talked to today to start making payments on my seriously past due account, I can't do it. It's not right and I have to make it right.
I find that when I'm stressed about finances ( most of the time) I end up over spending on craft things. I've been told that crafting is my "crack". I really need to get this under control, I mean my cars inspection expired in April and I can't afford to get it fixed and inspected. But I have the money for paper and stickers? Wow, I really need to start seeing a therapist again and also get spending under control. I need to take a hard look at my expenses and make a budget and stick to it. But what I really want to do is buy these really cute Christmas stamps I found at the craft store and then hide under my covers. I will not buy! I will not buy!
I need a tranquilizer and a drink.........
I find that when I'm stressed about finances ( most of the time) I end up over spending on craft things. I've been told that crafting is my "crack". I really need to get this under control, I mean my cars inspection expired in April and I can't afford to get it fixed and inspected. But I have the money for paper and stickers? Wow, I really need to start seeing a therapist again and also get spending under control. I need to take a hard look at my expenses and make a budget and stick to it. But what I really want to do is buy these really cute Christmas stamps I found at the craft store and then hide under my covers. I will not buy! I will not buy!
I need a tranquilizer and a drink.........
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Depression
I have struggled with depression for many years. I was so happy when I was finally in therapy with an amazing counselor. I was doing so well that I could go off my depression medication. To finally be free, I hate taking medications, felt like I had finally conquered one of my demons. This was also 3 weeks after I had had my lap-band surgery. My life was on track.
Three weeks later my husband and I sat down to talk. We had been fighting, I can't speak for him, but for myself I was upset about his friendship with a younger woman. So we talked. I started by telling him I was concerned, he was taking this woman out every week for dinner ( he paid) with our son. He took pictures and put them on the computer if her putting my son to bed. She was doing her laundry at my house, hanging out at my house. All of this was while I was at work. I told him for our marriage (which had been very rocky for several years on and off) to work I needed him to back off his friendship with this other woman and go to marriage counseling with me. His response was :"I want a divorce."
I know we had not been happy for a while, ( long while) but I was devastated. He had told me all along while I voiced concerns over the previous months that I was crazy, he loved me, he married me, he wanted to make our marriage to work. To have it all fall apart in an instant was stunning. He also maintained that he was only ever friends with this other woman (24 yrs old) but the next week he came clean and said that they were going to try to make their relationship work. Wow, can we say sucker-punch?
A week after he ended our marriage ( but didn't move out for 5 months) my 7 year old son climbed into bed with me and told me "I'm mad at you." Then proceeded to tell me that he was a girl and I wouldn't let him grow out his hair out or wear girls clothes. Really?
I tell you this not to rehash but to share that through all this I didn't go back on depression medications!! I was so proud of myself. I continued with counseling and started the process of dealing with and moving forward with this new life I was given. I was free of medications, I was a strong empowered woman. I was a fool.
My therapist moved out of state, I couldn't afford to find a new one and was scared that I wouldn't find such a good match again. On top of that I felt like I was abandoned by some of my good friends. All of "our friends" were first my husbands who I made an effort to get to know and befriend. He always refused to put in the effort with my friends.
My weight loss journey had been going so well up till this point. I had lost 40 pounds. But living with my husband who wasn't really my husband anymore, watching him get all dressed up and going out on dates with other women on the nights I didn't work or having him act like we were still married became too much. I have since gained most of the weight back. I have been eating my feelings. I'm not proud of this. I'm trying to get back on track. I have also had some health issues during this time making working out almost impossible.
HE did move out eventually, but he is still at my house 5 days a week, using my electricity, heat, water etc. He doesn't take our son to his house very often, or out at all, all in the name of it makes our son happier to be at the house. More likely it's so husband can watch tv, ( records all his shows on my dvr box so he doesn't have to pay for one himself, saying he lets his dad use the tv at his place <lives with his daddy now>) and use my computer ( uses someones wifi at his place so he doesn't have to pay for internet).
Let's also be clear- it's been almost 2 years since he asked for a divorce but has not filed for one. I realize that I will have to be the one to file, but I've been so busy dealing with everything that comes with a son with developmental disabilities. Plus emotionally and mentally I'm not up for it right now. He did pick up the papers last December and left them on the counter expecting me to fill out the paperwork for him. When he asked me a week later why I hadn't done this I told him it was his job. I'm not his mother, he can fill it out. Yeah for me, I didn't "take care of him" like I used to throughout our marriage. This is good right?
Sorry for all the ramblings down memory lane. We'll skip the rest, at least for now.
Here's where I am now: frustrated and resentful more than I can say. Having gained most of my weight back, with no motivation to lose it again. Will power has deserted me. Curse you!!!! And very depressed. I have been in denial about my state of mind for a long time now. I have eaten my feelings to numb myself and have that instant (short-lived) "good feeling". I have also turned to crafts. I have recently been told that crafts/art are my crack . Well, If I'm going to be addicted to something, it's better than drugs or alcohol right?
An Art-filled life is my blog about putting the art back into my life.
I didn't realize how depressed I was until my brother got married. It was such a beautiful wedding, but I felt disassociated from it all. I didn't feel like I belonged, in the way, and useless. That's not how it was only how I felt. I also saw some pictures on facebook from the wedding a few days later and was so excited I copied them to my phone and re-posted them on my page. I was not at my computer so I was unable to "share" them. I re-tagged them with my brother and sister-in-laws names on them not even thinking about it. Well, my brother sent me a very nice e-mail saying he was a little concerned about me tagging their photographers pictures as my own. It was a mistake right? No big deal. I took the pictures down immediately and sent off an e-mail apologizing and explaining that I was also told that I was told during the reception that she was not the paid photographer. ( I didn't realize there was 2 paid photographers) OK, so I fixed the problem and apologized. Then why did I feel like I was the worst person/sister in the world? Why did I feel like I was also the stupidest person in the world. Silly right? That was the moment I realized I need help. That was a week ago. I'm trying to do the work on my own. I'm overwhelmed, I'm tired and trying to stay positive. This is my journey.........
Three weeks later my husband and I sat down to talk. We had been fighting, I can't speak for him, but for myself I was upset about his friendship with a younger woman. So we talked. I started by telling him I was concerned, he was taking this woman out every week for dinner ( he paid) with our son. He took pictures and put them on the computer if her putting my son to bed. She was doing her laundry at my house, hanging out at my house. All of this was while I was at work. I told him for our marriage (which had been very rocky for several years on and off) to work I needed him to back off his friendship with this other woman and go to marriage counseling with me. His response was :"I want a divorce."
I know we had not been happy for a while, ( long while) but I was devastated. He had told me all along while I voiced concerns over the previous months that I was crazy, he loved me, he married me, he wanted to make our marriage to work. To have it all fall apart in an instant was stunning. He also maintained that he was only ever friends with this other woman (24 yrs old) but the next week he came clean and said that they were going to try to make their relationship work. Wow, can we say sucker-punch?
A week after he ended our marriage ( but didn't move out for 5 months) my 7 year old son climbed into bed with me and told me "I'm mad at you." Then proceeded to tell me that he was a girl and I wouldn't let him grow out his hair out or wear girls clothes. Really?
I tell you this not to rehash but to share that through all this I didn't go back on depression medications!! I was so proud of myself. I continued with counseling and started the process of dealing with and moving forward with this new life I was given. I was free of medications, I was a strong empowered woman. I was a fool.
My therapist moved out of state, I couldn't afford to find a new one and was scared that I wouldn't find such a good match again. On top of that I felt like I was abandoned by some of my good friends. All of "our friends" were first my husbands who I made an effort to get to know and befriend. He always refused to put in the effort with my friends.
My weight loss journey had been going so well up till this point. I had lost 40 pounds. But living with my husband who wasn't really my husband anymore, watching him get all dressed up and going out on dates with other women on the nights I didn't work or having him act like we were still married became too much. I have since gained most of the weight back. I have been eating my feelings. I'm not proud of this. I'm trying to get back on track. I have also had some health issues during this time making working out almost impossible.
HE did move out eventually, but he is still at my house 5 days a week, using my electricity, heat, water etc. He doesn't take our son to his house very often, or out at all, all in the name of it makes our son happier to be at the house. More likely it's so husband can watch tv, ( records all his shows on my dvr box so he doesn't have to pay for one himself, saying he lets his dad use the tv at his place <lives with his daddy now>) and use my computer ( uses someones wifi at his place so he doesn't have to pay for internet).
Let's also be clear- it's been almost 2 years since he asked for a divorce but has not filed for one. I realize that I will have to be the one to file, but I've been so busy dealing with everything that comes with a son with developmental disabilities. Plus emotionally and mentally I'm not up for it right now. He did pick up the papers last December and left them on the counter expecting me to fill out the paperwork for him. When he asked me a week later why I hadn't done this I told him it was his job. I'm not his mother, he can fill it out. Yeah for me, I didn't "take care of him" like I used to throughout our marriage. This is good right?
Sorry for all the ramblings down memory lane. We'll skip the rest, at least for now.
Here's where I am now: frustrated and resentful more than I can say. Having gained most of my weight back, with no motivation to lose it again. Will power has deserted me. Curse you!!!! And very depressed. I have been in denial about my state of mind for a long time now. I have eaten my feelings to numb myself and have that instant (short-lived) "good feeling". I have also turned to crafts. I have recently been told that crafts/art are my crack . Well, If I'm going to be addicted to something, it's better than drugs or alcohol right?
An Art-filled life is my blog about putting the art back into my life.
I didn't realize how depressed I was until my brother got married. It was such a beautiful wedding, but I felt disassociated from it all. I didn't feel like I belonged, in the way, and useless. That's not how it was only how I felt. I also saw some pictures on facebook from the wedding a few days later and was so excited I copied them to my phone and re-posted them on my page. I was not at my computer so I was unable to "share" them. I re-tagged them with my brother and sister-in-laws names on them not even thinking about it. Well, my brother sent me a very nice e-mail saying he was a little concerned about me tagging their photographers pictures as my own. It was a mistake right? No big deal. I took the pictures down immediately and sent off an e-mail apologizing and explaining that I was also told that I was told during the reception that she was not the paid photographer. ( I didn't realize there was 2 paid photographers) OK, so I fixed the problem and apologized. Then why did I feel like I was the worst person/sister in the world? Why did I feel like I was also the stupidest person in the world. Silly right? That was the moment I realized I need help. That was a week ago. I'm trying to do the work on my own. I'm overwhelmed, I'm tired and trying to stay positive. This is my journey.........
Sunday, October 9, 2011
A new start.....
I've now officially started my third blog. What am I thinking? Am I crazy? Why three?
Well, I can at least answer the last question. The reason for three blogs, is that they are all for different reasons.
An art-filled life is for the creative side to be expressed. I've missed that side for too long, therefor I now have a forum to share it, to continue to be inspired and maybe inspire someone else.
Emily's perspective is a unique take on some of the experiences I have in life and how I look at them with humor.
This blog is because I need a place to process that which is my life. It is not meant to be looked at as a pity party, or for people to think my life is hard, or that I think it is harder than anyone else's. It is simply a place for me to talk, in writing form, about my life. To travel down a path of acceptance, learn to love myself as I should and start again in living a joy-filled life. If anyone decides to read and follow this blog I hope it helps, knowing that you are not alone, and I hope I feel less lonely in the process. I hope there will be some insight, wisdom and even humor at times.
I'm not the best writer, so here's hoping.
Well, I can at least answer the last question. The reason for three blogs, is that they are all for different reasons.
An art-filled life is for the creative side to be expressed. I've missed that side for too long, therefor I now have a forum to share it, to continue to be inspired and maybe inspire someone else.
Emily's perspective is a unique take on some of the experiences I have in life and how I look at them with humor.
This blog is because I need a place to process that which is my life. It is not meant to be looked at as a pity party, or for people to think my life is hard, or that I think it is harder than anyone else's. It is simply a place for me to talk, in writing form, about my life. To travel down a path of acceptance, learn to love myself as I should and start again in living a joy-filled life. If anyone decides to read and follow this blog I hope it helps, knowing that you are not alone, and I hope I feel less lonely in the process. I hope there will be some insight, wisdom and even humor at times.
I'm not the best writer, so here's hoping.
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