Change had always scared the hell out of me. I mean, the unknown can be a scary thing. There has been a lot of fear in my life lately. It was all about the unknown. My husband left me, what will happen to me now? Will I be alone the rest of my life? I really believed that one. My son has been in crisis for a long time. (almost 2 years), what would happen to him? Was I going to be able to help him? Would I fail him and therefor doom him to struggle more than he had to for the rest of his life? Was I going to loose the house? Where would I live then? How can I make it on my own?
These are the thoughts that have taken up so much of my life the last 2 years. They even had me stuck, unable to move forward, because there IS some comfort in staying where you are. At least then you know what's going on, you know what thoughts and feelings to expect. To move forward means to let go and trust that it WILL be okay. Trust that by moving into the unknown and uncomfortable we will come out the other side alive and whole. (at least okay).
It so easy to hold on to the fear, resentment, anger and loneliness. At least you know where you are. I have spent a lot of time telling others and more importantly, MYSELF I had let go of these feelings and had moved on. But you know the saying: Talk is cheap? Well, it is. Just saying it isn't enough. You need to live it and be it. You need to LET GO, you need
To TRUST that you will make it, you will SURVIVE. You may stumble and fall, but you get right back up, dust yourself off and keep going.
I finally decided to LIVE IT. I made
The decision to put my son in SH for the help I was unable to give, and look how well that worked out? I was devastated. I couldn't even sleep in my own bed the whole 6 weeks. I cried, and missed Will desperately, but I made it through, and so did Will. Looking back it was one of the best decision I've made. We came out the other side and we're stronger for it.
On a more recent note, I filed for divorce. It's been 2 years, Jason left me, under pretty crappy circumstances. I had refused to do anything about it. I decided that he left ME, he could file. Well, look how well that worked out for me. :)
Jason waited 10 months to get the papers. He waited till he had a girlfriend. He then left the papers for me to fill out for him ( to serve me, a little messed up? What do you think). When his girlfriend broke up with him the papers disappeared. My anger and feelings of hurt and resentment (already pretty strong) continued to grow. I kept telling myself "HE left ME. He can file. He can finish one thing in our marriage.". I kept telling myself that I would come to despise and hate him if I was forced to file. When Will went into SH, Jason told me he was filling out the paperwork again. (turns out he had a girlfriend, big surprise). I waited well over a month, but I was still not served.
I finally made the decision to get a lawyer with the financial help of my parents. I served HIM! I tell you what: I don't hate him, my anger, hurt, and resentment feel like they have melted away. I feel more in control of my life, more FREE.
I still don't know what the future will hold, but I know I'll be okay. I know Will will be okay. Where ever we end up, we will be OKAY. In fact, I'll go even farther--- we'll be better than okay! We'll be HAPPY!
Jason is angry with me for filing first. Is it because I took away his control? Is he scared? I don't know, and that's okay. I don't NEED to know. Thats HIS to deal with, NOT me.
Does this mean I've become this perfectly enlightened person? No, I'm sure I'll still have set backs, I'll still get angry, hurt and resentful as well as other negative feelings besides. However, I truly believe that I will be able to acknowledge these feeling and release them much, MUCH sooner.
Just remember, saying you've let go and moved on rarely means you have. You have to let yourself fall into the unknown trusting you will survive. You also have to take ACTION! You have to do something to move past these fears etc. if you can do this you can SOAR with the eagles.
Come fly with me!
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