The big "D"

Today I had a meeting with my lawyer about tomorrows upcoming mediation. If all goes well and we come to an agreement tomorrow we will then go before the judge and our divorce will be granted. I could potentially walk out of the court tomorrow a free woman.

The last 2 years have been hard I won't lie. Lots of ups and downs for me. A lot of reflection and hard work to get where I am: acceptance. But today I find myself conflicted. My lawyer herself said I was coming across as ambivalent. I am, it's true. I don't want to give up my house, but I don't want my ex to have free access to it either. I don't want him to go through my things, leave his at my house and generally take advantage of me. The only way to enforce that would be to get new locks and restrict his access to the house, (or apartment if I moved) but this isn't always going to be possible. There will be times for Wills sake he will need access to my home. The problem lies in my almost complete lack of trust in my ex and what he tells me. This is the ambivalence my lawyer sees. It's there, for anyone to see who wants to look close enough. But for me, today, I look to another ambivalence.

I look at the outcome of being divorced. Part of me is so excited, so incredibly, indescribably happy. This is the part that has felt bullied, abused, and neglected by my ex. The part that has been so beaten down, and lost most of my self esteem along the way. This part wants to run and jump and laugh with sheer joy at being free of the prison I felt I was in for so long.

Then there is the part of me that is very sad about the end of my marriage. Partly because there are some good memories there. We were happy sometimes. But it's also because if I'm honest with myself I play a role in the end of my marriage. I'm sad that I didn't do better. I closed myself off from him. I pulled away and wouldn't let him in. Again, if I'm honest, there were times he tried, tried to break down all the walls I erected. Yes, there were reasons for those walls, they were there to protect me from being hurt, but what could have happened if I had opened up and shared? Who knows..... maybe nothing different would have happened, it might have been worse for me, or, it could have ended so differently. Our lives could have been so very different. We might have been happy and still together.

So who's to say if he would have been a better person if I had been. Life has a funny way of working out. I can play the what-if game all day long, it doesn't change what has come to pass. I just hope that we can both learn from it, grow, and have better/happier relationships in the future.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring..... for me, I hope it's a divorce. We shall see, we shall see.