What's in my mind

So, had mediation yesterday. It went fairly well. We haven't been able to finalize the divorce because we have a couple issues to agree on: who claims our son on their taxes. He lives with me- I feel I should get to. He thinks because he pays child support he should. He is willing to do every other year, I'm not sure yet if I am.
The other issue is his retirement fund. Originally he decided that since I never put money into it it wasn't marital property. It was explained to him that it is. He was then willing to split it up until feb 10th 2010 the day he said he wanted a divorce. My lawyer explained that the judge will almost ALWAYS split it up to the day the divorce is final. I asked him if he would consider up to July 1st (the day he moved out) he said NO. So, I said I would consider that. Otherwise we were able to agree to terms on everything else. Sigh, and so it continues......

Now on to other things.... Will has been struggling the last 2 nights at shower/bath time. He ignores my prompts to take a shower several times until I become frustrated and then he screams at me that I'm treating him like crap (his word, not mine) and being a horrible parent. Tonight it didn't end as quickly- throughout the bath he kept up trying to get me to fight. Did I take the bait? A few times. I'm not proud of it, but I'm human and the last 3 weeks have been particularly rough on me. So yeah, I took the bait. He repeatedly told me he was going to leave in the morning to walk the streets looking for another family to adopt him. Also saying that he was not the right kid for me. Now, I was irritated enough to find this making me frustrated, furious, tired and irritable. However, there was enough rational thinking to find this also amusing at the same time. It finally ended up in his bedroom, having lost his computer privileges for tomorrow and almost losing the use of my old iPhone.

He apologized, said he DID love me, but thought that he still wasn't the right kid for me, and that he really did just want to die. Well, I'm exhausted enough that I broke down crying right there in front of him. He became very upset I was hurt and tried to reassure me that it was ok for him to feel that way, it didn't mean he would actually die. Then told me he would do anything for me I needed, while rubbing my arm trying to comfort me (sweet really, and shows the tremendous growth he has had) so I told him I needed him to want to live. He gave me a kiss and laid down to sleep telling me he loved me one more time.

No parent EVER wants to hear things like this from their child. To want to die at that age, strikes terror in my heart. I would do anything for this amazing little boy, but I don't know how to ix this and make it better for him. So once again, I am going to do my best to Let go and Let GOD. Feel free to pray for him (and me) as we can use everything we can get right now.

The big "D"

Today I had a meeting with my lawyer about tomorrows upcoming mediation. If all goes well and we come to an agreement tomorrow we will then go before the judge and our divorce will be granted. I could potentially walk out of the court tomorrow a free woman.

The last 2 years have been hard I won't lie. Lots of ups and downs for me. A lot of reflection and hard work to get where I am: acceptance. But today I find myself conflicted. My lawyer herself said I was coming across as ambivalent. I am, it's true. I don't want to give up my house, but I don't want my ex to have free access to it either. I don't want him to go through my things, leave his at my house and generally take advantage of me. The only way to enforce that would be to get new locks and restrict his access to the house, (or apartment if I moved) but this isn't always going to be possible. There will be times for Wills sake he will need access to my home. The problem lies in my almost complete lack of trust in my ex and what he tells me. This is the ambivalence my lawyer sees. It's there, for anyone to see who wants to look close enough. But for me, today, I look to another ambivalence.

I look at the outcome of being divorced. Part of me is so excited, so incredibly, indescribably happy. This is the part that has felt bullied, abused, and neglected by my ex. The part that has been so beaten down, and lost most of my self esteem along the way. This part wants to run and jump and laugh with sheer joy at being free of the prison I felt I was in for so long.

Then there is the part of me that is very sad about the end of my marriage. Partly because there are some good memories there. We were happy sometimes. But it's also because if I'm honest with myself I play a role in the end of my marriage. I'm sad that I didn't do better. I closed myself off from him. I pulled away and wouldn't let him in. Again, if I'm honest, there were times he tried, tried to break down all the walls I erected. Yes, there were reasons for those walls, they were there to protect me from being hurt, but what could have happened if I had opened up and shared? Who knows..... maybe nothing different would have happened, it might have been worse for me, or, it could have ended so differently. Our lives could have been so very different. We might have been happy and still together.

So who's to say if he would have been a better person if I had been. Life has a funny way of working out. I can play the what-if game all day long, it doesn't change what has come to pass. I just hope that we can both learn from it, grow, and have better/happier relationships in the future.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring..... for me, I hope it's a divorce. We shall see, we shall see.

Self Reflection

I will start by apologizing for this post. My head is so full tonight and random thoughts keep popping in that I might make little to no sense at times. I will try to keep his to a minimum, but you
Have been warned.......

I believe I've talked before about my struggle with accepting help, well, I still struggle. I've had a really bad day today, from working overtime to having a client swear at me and tell me why everybody hates me, to literally getting punched in the heart (really hard) by my son.

Anyway, the man I've been seeing invited me to stop in tonight on my way home from work. I will admit, this kept me going throughout the day. Just thinking of seeing his smile, and who knows..... :~}. Well, as I left work I gave him a call asking if he still wanted a visit. He said "No, not really." Well hell, "ok" I say. "Sorry" he says. "that's ok" I say.

Well you know what? It wasn't ok. I needed to see a friendly face. I needed a hug and a smile. I needed someone who cared enough to want to make me smile. But what are those lyrics again? Oh yeah..... You can't always get what you want..... Ain't that the truth.

Well, he asked how my day was, I told him it had been a rough day and that I would just go home and go to bed. He then offered for me to come over and vent. He asked me if I needed a hug, and told me he wanted to see me. So what did I do?

What I always do. I said no. Told him "I'm fine.", because he had already told me he didn't want to see me tonight. Didn't matter that he wanted to see me because I had a hard day, he originally told me no, so I wasn't going to force myself on him and make him feel obligated to see me when he didn't want to.

Was this the right thing to do? It's what I always do..... I think it's one of the reasons my marriage started to fail. There were certain things that I really liked/enjoyed/needed that my ex told me he didn't particularly like, that he only did cause I liked them. So I stopped letting him do them for me. I went without because I couldn't let him do things he didn't enjoy. I felt like it was unfair of me to expect him to do things when I was the only one happy about it. I thought that's what made me a good wife. I did a lot for him I didn't enjoy, but never voiced my dislike over them. (well, I say never, but a couple of times I did, hmmm, never bothered him.)

When I was growing up, and especially after I got pregnant my mother would tell me often that when I had a child I needed to remember that child was MY responsibility. MINE. No one elses. I was not to expect help from anyone. I took this lesson in, I took it to the extreme. So much so that I let my ex dictate his level of help raising our son. I very rarely ever asked my family to help, and even more rarely asked friends if they could help watch him- and only when I had no other recourse than to do so. I mean, he wasn't their responsibility right? Why would they want to help.

This trait of mine can be seen in almost every aspect of my life from home to work I have always accepted that I am not good enough and/or worthy enough of other peoples time. I think I'm getting better, that my self esteem is getting higher but this lesson keeps showing up to kick me in the solar plexus and remind me I'm not where I think I am. I still have such a long way to go.

Intellectually I know that I am worthy enough, that my friends care about me and think I'm worthy of their time and effort (at least the important ones who really count) but in that small {ok, maybe not as small as I thought} part of my heart I'm still an unworthy person who has to go it all alone all the time.

How do I change this? Cause every time I think I have, it's right there again, in my face saying "helloooo". Maybe I need to continue on this path of self reflection and figure out where and when I started feeling unworthy. Why do I almost never call people on the phone? Because I don't want to bother them, I figure they must be doing something more important than talking to me. Why? Why do automatically go to that thought? Hmmmm, I guess it's time to really ponder these thoughts and work on figuring out how to change them.

Maybe I should use a rubber band.......

Hard lessons to learn

So I have had a roller coaster of a couple of weeks. Work has been crazy, and very overwhelming. I've worked long hours to cover other staff, I have and have not been backed up by my superiors. I have had silly, frustrating, and down right discouraging arguments with my soon-to-be-ex. I have had wonderful and trying moments with my wonderful son Will.

I have gotten to see an old friend from high school and his 2 beautiful little boys. We had a wonderful time hanging here at the house, and going to the beach. (if you follow my other blog: emilysperspective@blogspot.com then you already know the exploits of the beach, my raccoon eyes, and my very painful sunburn to shoulders and upper back. If you don't, then you can check it out there)

My parents took Will for an overnight last night so that I could have an adult overnight of my own. It was so much appreciated. I have to say, I have met an amazing man. Last night we just hung out, he helped me cook dinner- when he's cooked for me he wasn't happy with the dinner, when I've cooked for him I wasn't happy. Last night we cooked together and I think it turned out perfect. He gave me a foot massage that felt amazing and watched a movie. Then went to bed.

My overnight was just what I needed. It's amazing what having a man who cares about you, and WANTS to take care of you will do for your overall emotional well-being. I mean here is a man who was more concerned with me and my wants/needs than his own. I have to admit- I love this, but it is a little scary too. I mean, I can't remember the last time someone treated me this well.

Now, I don't want any misunderstanding, my soon-to-be-ex wasn't/isn't a bad man. He has a lot of good qualities and can be caring in his own way, when he wants to be. Also, it takes 2 people to end a marriage and I know I played my part, some of which was that I pushed him away as the years went on. See? I've grown- I can admit to my past faults (I say past-cause now I'm perfect. lol)

So, what have I learned the last 2 weeks? Well, I've learned that at work I need to put up some clear boundaries so I am not taken advantage of anymore. I also need to hold my boss, and co-workers accountable for their responsibilities. With the ex I need to work on clear communication and clearly expressing my needs and expectations no matter what he says and how he tries to make me feel so I back down. Stand strong Emily!! Don't back down! Stand up for yourself and Will. I deserve to be heard, and respected without being taken advantage of. And as for the new man, I'm working on accepting help, letting someone be there for me who wants to do things to make my life easier. This one is the most challenging, I won't lie, but I'll keep working on it.

And from Will, as always I continue to learn patience, unconditional love, acceptance, and a list too long to finish. I have managed to take time out of my crazy schedule to spend some wonderful time with Will and just have fun and be.....

Very rough week

This last week has certainly been rough. It felt like I was being kicked in the teeth at every turn. My ex continues to anger and frustrate me due to his taking advantage of me and my home as often as possible. Work has been more stressful than usual with a lot of call outs, people threatening to quit, lack of support from my superiors, and filling in on multiple shifts beyond my regular shift. Then there is my son who is now lying and stealing from me. On top of all this, I've had 2 tire blow outs in 3 days, replaced them and then went for an alignment only to be told that I needed 2 ball joints as well. Can we say expenses I can't afford?

So yes, there has been a lot more stress than usual. I haven't been as positive as I could and should be this week. But you know what? That's ok, I think I'm allowed a little melt down or 2 (or 4-10) whatever.

But you know what? Through all this my ex was supportive in some ways, my boss gave me a break at the end of the week and even ran the errands I was supposed to. My son gave me hugs, giggles and a wonderful weekend devoid of a lot of stress.

While picking up my car ---cost way more than I originally thought---I got to see an old friend, and now my car is safe (well, at least safer), my mechanic is letting me make payments, my parents have the cutest little puppy (which I want to steal!) and I've been able to sit outside and read while listening to my son play with the neighbor kids and laugh.

So did I have a bad week? Yes, I absolutely did. Did I have some amazing moments this week? Yes, I absolutely did. Did my week end on a good note? Yes, yes it did.

Life isn't always perfect, in fact there are times we want to run away and quit our lives (or at least take a month long vacation from it) but if you hang in there, it is all good in the end and worth all the stress and heartache.

My life is good. Now for that vacation......

Is it my hormones?

Is it? I don't know. I do know that my emotions have been all over the place lately. One minute I'm happy, enjoying everything that is going well in my life. The next- I'm emotional, wanting to cry and feeling very unsettled. I don't get it, yes there's stress in my life, but everyone has stress. So many things are going well in my life too. More so than in the recent past. So why do I feel like I'm on a yo-yo?

I swear if I wasn't sure it was an impossibility I would say I was pregnant. However, with no uterus that really isn't an option.

Could I be peri-menopausal? I guess I could be..... If that's what's going on then hold on world, we're in for a bumpy ride. Good luck handling me and my mood swings.

The only other thought I can come up with is my depression/anxiety meds. I went to the dr a week ago and we decided I can stop taking them. Now I have to be honest here- I have not been great about taking them as it is, I missed them more than I took them. It wasn't on purpose (although I hate being dependent on them) but yeah, I wasn't good this time around on my meds so I was thrilled when he recognized that I even looked much happier then he's seen me in a long time. However, could the fact that I didn't take them consistently and now am totally off them have effected my mood to this extent? Hmmm, could be.

I guess what I need to do is remind myself of everything good when I'm riding the roller coaster of emotions. I think I'll also be keeping an eye on all of this stuff and if it doesn't even out I will have to call my dr and discuss it with him and work on a strategy.

Maybe I need to make some time in my daily life to meditate and work on relaxation as well as visualization techniques to get me through all this crazy that has become my life.

Well, whatever the reason, this has become my life and I'll figure it out. I usually do, and things are going to be fine......peace and blessings

Getting what you want

I had a conversation the other day with a good friend. We got laughing over the fact that most women we know, want a man who wants to give us a foot rub, or a back/shoulder massage just because.

I've found this mythological creature. We have spent several evenings/days together now, and he has offered to give me some form of massage every time, just because he wants to make me feel good/better. How wonderful is that? I didn't think such a man existed and I'm very grateful that he does. But what do you do when you actually have what you want, and find out that this wonderful, thoughtful man doesn't give a relaxing feel good massage? Don't get me wrong, the foot rub is ok, but the back/shoulder massage just wasn't enjoyable and he broke me (although to be honest and fair that was mostly my fault for not remembering I need a lighter massage) my massage was on Tuesday and here it is Saturday and I'm finally feeling better, although still slightly sore.

So what do you do when you get what you want? I guess it means it's time for a talk with my friend. Maybe I can teach h how to give a back rub, and if not I guess I have to learn to "Just Say NO."

My heart

Dinner

I forgot how much I enjoy cooking, and not throwing food into a crock pot. I know chicken fajitas is still simple, but there is a pleasure in the act of cooking good food.

I think I stopped cooking because it was easy to make excuses that I was too busy. At the time my marriage wasn't going well and I'd rather not put in the effort. Then he left and I was alone, and cooking for one can be depressing. But tonight I cooked for one, and I found comfort in cooking healthy for myself, and I have leftovers for tomorrow night at work. Yeah! I'm going to have to cook for myself more. Even if it's just for the simple pleasure of creating something wonderful.

Up and down

Overall things have been good lately. However, I'm feeling very unsettled. I don't know why, it's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop you know?

Will has been doing fairly well, been using a lot of profanity lately. (He's heard it all before but after an overnight with his Papa who was frustrated and swearing a LOT- can we say F-bomb anyone? He's been using said word every chance he gets when angry- even at school) He's also been getting very angry when his father and I won't buy him anything while at stores. There's been a general low level of frustration, however, overall he has done an amazing job handling himself and managing his frustrations.

Soon-to-be-ex is being himself- great in some aspects and irritating in other aspects. He still acts like he still lives at my house when there, shows up early to "hang out" on his own, still leaves his stuff in the basement and garage. Does his laundry every week at my house, records his tv shows on my DVR do he doesn't have to pay for one. Uses my Internet so he doesn't have to pay for his own etc, etc, etc. he agreed to watch Will yesterday but then let his dad watch him instead so he could stay with his girlfriend, but when he takes a trip I have to take vacation time from work or bring Will to work with me without being asked. It's just an expectation he has. Ok, so I went off on a tangent... Can you blame me for needing to vent from time to time? Like how he promised to help with the lawn (dr says I shouldn't do it) and he hasn't helped in 2 years. The only help he offers on that front is when he tells me how to do it. Again, off topic.... Sorry

My parents are my parents. They never change, I worry about them constantly, I won't get into all the issues out of respect for their privacy, but I worry a lot.

Then there's my health, as you know there have been a lot of MS symptoms lately which have been frustrating but tolerable. I've been keeping kind of quiet the last couple of days and things are feeling better.

So, I find myself having moments where I feel great, and moments where I'm unsettled. When I saw my dr the other day he was pleased at how I seem to be doing and took me off my depression and anxiety meds. Could that be the problem? Am I having anxiety over trying to maintain my happy place without medicinal help? Hard to believe but could be possible I guess. I hate taking and being dependent on medication, but on the other hand I've been doing very well (despite the frustrations and set backs)

I guess I can only go forward and hope, and pray that I continue to work on myself and move forward. If I have set backs I need to learn to ask for help, and there's no shame in going back on medications if I need to.

Let go and let God!